Marina Collins #8 - How To Manage Anxiety In You And Your Children

00:00 In this episode of Team Super Dad I speak to Marina Collins, hypnotherapist, firewall constructor, anxiety expert and a mum. It's great to have a mum on Team Super Dad! Enjoy this Roll Theme Welcome to Team Super Dad. Real dads creating their best lives ever, more time, more money, more fun! You are not alone you're on team super dad Hello and welcome to the Team Super Dad podcast. My name's Jonnie Jensen, founder and creator of the Team Super Dad community and program. The program for single dads kick-starting their life and recovering creating their best life ever really a fresh start time to have more time more fun more money and create magical memories with their children

00:54 If it's your first time here, welcome and if you're coming back then it is a real pleasure to have you. As always, as often as possible in our weekly podcast we speak to dads with success stories, entrepreneurs, property people health experts nutritionists coaches and this week is also an anxiety specialist I've known Marina for a good while now, probably four or five years. We learnt...I did my Firewall Constructor Training weekend and her husband and her...Barry's her husband they were part of the crew running the weekend that's the weekend with Firewalking UK and Steve Consolvis so if you are

01:42 And if you are new to the podcast then, like I said welcome. We talk about just how to kickstart your life how to put it all back together You know so many dads they're just getting on with things and for you that might be the reality of keeping a brave face like carrying on doing everything you're doing but maybe inside you're feeling just a little bit Shellshocked, a little bit hollow. Perhaps you just want to have more fun in life? Well I was thinking the same thing and that's really how my inspiration for Team Super Dad came about If you do enjoy the podcast then please go and like us on iTunes or wherever you listen if you're on YouTube or Facebook then like and share away as much as you can My light just went out on the other side there so

02:27 If you're watching this on Facebook and YouTube, then you can watch this. I guess just taking some stress off more financially than anything else as I launch Team Super Dad and get the rebuild program running, getting you know groups of dad coming into that. That's you know the rebuild program runs in three sections that's reconnecting then the building blocks then the living life fully it's a five-week program and just leads into the ongoing work that is coming down the line in Team Super Dad HQ which is the 12 month Team Super Dad course

03:18 But you don't have to be on one of those courses. We've got the Facebook group which is growing week by week and I'd love for you to come over there and join us! Simply search Team Super Dad on Facebook, and you will see that come up There's a few more different types of podcasts coming down the line. I've just been trying some walk and talk podcasts to, you know, just to make the most of some of my time and get some of those thoughts that i'm having on my walks out to you if you're a dad... If you're even a mum as you'll see from today's interview uh..and you think you've got something that's really empowering for other parents then I love to hear from you come on the podcast If you search up bit.ly, that's b-i-t dot l-y forward slash t-s-d briefing exactly as it sounds thats bit.ly b-i-t dot l-y forwardslash t-s-d briefing You'll see a full sheet of all the information about the podcast and how you can come on an be a guest So without further ado I could warble on forever as you know in these little intros Going to kick into today's show It's with Marina Collins I know your going to love it Ill see you on the other side Enjoy

04:28 Hello, good afternoon. Good morning. Welcome wherever you are in the world whatever time it is this is the Team Super Dad podcast and I am thrilled to be here with Marina Collins who Is a wonderful woman It's so great to have mums on the podcast as I say to all of the team super dad members This is not about creating a world where we don't have strong relationships with awesome women And in fact that's everything this is about its there's so much Joy to be had in life by hanging out with like-minded, positive people and creating both powerful friendships and then obviously possible relationships and falling back in love. And Marina's got all that in her story so it's great to have you here! Why don't you take a moment to introduce yourself? Then we'll crack on with the chit chat. Cool okay so I'm Marina Collins obviously. I am a hip and therapist and a firework instructor

05:25 I'm mother of two, grandmother of three. And as I was just saying, you know what? Was a single mum for awhile. Married your single dad so I've got the experience from both sides and it's just something actually that you said in the intro as well that sprung to mind but hopefully we'll get chance to clear up as well and chat on. So yeah, hypnotherapists are specialised in anxiety male or female men need to be able find someone to talk to as well

06:03 And so I'm here for anyone who needs that help. That's brilliant and that's actually how I came to tee this conversation up today, so you know this really is a podcaster episode on Team Super Dad about coping moving beyond anxiety but also for me I was chatting...I always liked when A subject kind of hit me square in the face two or three times in quick succession. I like to think that's a sign that I need to dig into it and I was chatting with someone and she was talking about her anxiety, and I just found myself thinking quite like get over it! Or you know how can be that bad? And then I thought about how I thought to myself about being depressed and saying get over it doesn't matter actually

06:56 The last thing you can do when you're that person is just forget about it and get over it. And the worst thing you can do, if we relate it to depression, is try and do on your own anyway! Yes. It's just going to get worse. Yeah And then one of your posts popped up in my feed. So let's go back a bit and that's actually how we know is through the Firewalking community, you and Barry are integral to the firewalking We're Phoenix Firewalk, but Barry is part of the training with Firewalking UK and I go along for the fun. Because it's very Monty Python like you can get it slightly wrong and you're either The People's Front of Judea or The Judea's People's Front of Splitters! So how did you, was fire walking just...I mean well just for everyone listening fire walking wasn't something

07:57 I saw it on Tony Robbins, in fact far from it. It was...I only came to later find out that was a key part of Tony Robbins stuff and I randomly met Steve when he reached out to me and I was asking about social media help and thought he'd met me at a networking event. And me in my way just carried on talking thinking, in a minute I'm going to remember how I know this bloke! It got the point where I had say hi! But thankfully the conversation has progressed so far that we ended up becoming friends and that was my introduction to firewalking A transformational element of my life over the last five years which has been quite turbulent so it's been a real high point. How did you get into firewalking? Well, Barry and I are both hypnotherapists and we were doing our mentorship program up here in Scotland and some of the other guys that were doing it as well had mentioned fire walking

08:54 So he explained what it was and I thought, oh that might like to do that. And a friend of mine was actually fundraising at the time and we'd done charity nights, quizzes, all the usual kind of things. And I said, Do you want to do a firework? He's like, Oh couldn't ask people to get sponsored money, don't wanna do that. Let me organise it! And it just so happened another friend I know had just recently done one. So, I got in touch with her and asked her who did it. Set all up, got it all arranged and in March we did our first firewalk! People are doing that whole you're crazy? You want what? Yeah here's extra money but don't involve me!

09:45 So we got such a buzz out of it. We'd raised so much money for her, she smashed our target there's 20 odd of us and it was a fantastic experience and then the next day I was still on high! I need this feeling all the time! Being the kind caring compassionate wife that I am, I suggested Barry go learn Because I thought, well if he goes on the way out of Mersin then I get to walk him through. So we phoned up the guy and the guy says, Ask for Steve. Yeah, okay and that's Steve Kinselvis? Steve Kinselvis yes so you phone Steve and he was like yeah there has to be a place on the next course this was obviously in March which is in May and Barry said oh I'm thinking more September I noticed you do one then well yeah but you know Steve's charm! So Barry ended up going on the course of me

10:50 Every day he was phoning, and he would tell me all about it. And I'm like oh my god! It's nuts and it's amazing and it's just everything. Then when he came back he says you really need to do that? No, that's way out of my comfort zone. I had a lot in my own stuff to deal with because I had depression Things like that. I don't know, recently that I used to have anxiety and so I had my own stuff to deal with and why would I do that? Just to be clear for someone listening in that is a firewall instructor training weekend right yes yes it's instructor training but is more than that isn't as you know well it's so much more than that yeah so much more than that and it's about getting to who you are

11:35 I'm Because I knew some of the stuff like The Trustful. I knew about The Trustful and things like that, and I'm thinking there's no way I could let anybody do that! Yeah, I don't trust anyone enough. So listen so let me just give some context for people listening okay? The Firewall Constructor Training Weekend right it's called the FIT And it stems back to a guy called Tolly Buchan who is out in California. He's an American guy, if you want to read more about him then his book was called Dying 2 Live and Let It Be Easy

12:25 And extreme spirituality. Yeah, so he's just an amazing bloke and his story is really accessible from attempting suicide to failing twice! Like seriously attempting suicide and failing twice. Surviving a horrific car crash as well. Yes that car crash, blimey getting flung 20 meters down the road, hit by a taxi in New York or something. I can't remember! The car is an absolute wreck. So what Tolley's done and you can find his videos on YouTube it's... Some people don't like the idea of personal development and firewalking in itself so that you don't naturally put their subject into personal development but for Dads listening in particular

13:12 And if you want to find a way to access a breakthrough, in your confidence or breakthrough in your ability to say yes or believe in yourself like self-belief let alone a breakthrough in personal development. Firewalking gives you an access to that and it bypasses some of the The Jonnie Jensen Show, Jonnie Jensen, Team Super Dad, Marina Collins, Fife, Scotland, Barry NLP, It's

14:04 I was, I was post. I was out of the drama of the divorce but still in the pain of it and I didn't know...I'd lost track of who I really was like I couldn't get an access to it It was about a month after the FIT weekend and bearing in mind you do lots of firewalks, The Trust Fall that Marina just mentioned is literally... And other stuff! ...falling off a platform and having people catch you. And definitely other stuff that's fair to say there are surprises in the weekend and it's fully appropriate they're surprises because that's where you get confronted and that's where you break through but it was about a month afterwards I was pretty much looking at myself in the mirror going

14:48 Something's different. I'm not quite back, but I feel myself again. And that was one of the most powerful aspects of The Fit Weekend for me was it was like a shedding, like a shedding off the drama and I believe that fire walking is so much part of that. So when people say to me, bit like they said to you with the charity thing or there's no blooming way I'm doing that are you mad? Yeah! And then I say to them guys or gals it's It's not about the walk, it's not about how hot the coals are. It's about so much more than that and I'm sure that's why it's part of your work now? Yeah well that said... because I see clients on a one-to-one basis for anxiety and other issues but if I feel the need I'll bring out my glasswork

15:45 You know, because it's as you say it's not about walking on coals and glass isn't about walking on glass. By the way that's broken glass! Yeah broken glass. That is like two meters of broken glass which you are actually able to walk across yeah and when they do that they're like okay I get what you're saying I can do this because part And Your kids and Barry's kids, and your experiences of all that at the end. So what is anxiety? Why do people get anxious like what... What's the difference between someone just feeling a bit worried about something and someone who's got anxiety? Okay, we're born with two fears sudden loud noises and fear of falling okay everybody has that Anxiety is when

17:02 The amygdala gets stuck in fight or flight. Obviously we needed to fight or flight back in the olden days, to fight off the woolly mammoths and sabre-toothed tigers you know? And what happens is when it goes into that state... We do still need some of that obviously but when it gets stuck in there that's when it becomes anxiety so what happens is when you go into fight or flight All the other organs start to shut down and the adrenaline goes to your legs, arms and legs so you're either ready to fight or ready to flee. Okay, I'll show you my little gadget. So for those on the podcast Marina is holding up like a coloured spiky ball. It's an expandable! We'll put some pictures in the show notes. It's an expandable so what happens is your you've got your amygdala and you get a little frightened it goes well it expands and then resets okay yeah so with someone with a phobia for example it will expand and they'll be stuck

18:02 Because they are now like, oh I can't see spiders. I can do this but you know whatever Right so Maria's got this little ball when she pulls it open it gets really big and so yeah I mean asthmatics have this in their lungs the oxygen thing that helps us normally breathe expands and then it cramps and gets stuck outwards and that's what an asthma pump will do is relax that And allow them to breathe again So when people get and

18:47 Or, what happens with phobia is it gets stuck. With anxiety what it does and its very hard to see this obviously, it just pumps constantly but it pumps fast. People with anxiety they do things really fast you know it's like oh I've got to rush about and everywhere their hands are going faster talking faster moving really really fast And your amygdalas kind of like that It just...you hear that So, frantic panic. Yeah you know so with anxiety it gets stuck in that fight or flight and it's like but what if this happens and what if that happens? And I can't do this and I can't do that! You start then getting all those negative thoughts and worrying about the future and what if happens...you think about the comfort zone pictures that you see. You've got a circle which is

19:39 The Little One, which is your comfort zone and then the big wide world out there that you're frightened to go into. So you're stuck in that comfort zone because you're afraid to go out into that big wild world because your anxiety might kick in and you won't be able to go into a shop Social anxiety, can't go to pubs. Can you stop going out with friends? That's what happened to me I stopped going out with friends! Yeah You know people love and care for you most look forward to seeing you and you find reasons to fear seeing them Why is Anxiety seemingly more prevalent now why do more people seem to be talking about I suffer from anxiety? I think two things

20:23 People are more aware of it now because of social media and before, way back in the olden days before we had internet. We couldn't find these things out and weren't sure... The doctor which has got all your depressors. But with social media you're more aware of it and people are more open to talking about it now as well Is there a danger that people talk themselves into having an anxiety problem? So they're a bit of a worrier. Then they meet someone who's got anxiety issues and then they decide that they've got anxiety issues, which makes it worse. Is that possible? Yes it is very much possible. How does someone distinguish between whether they really have... I heard the other day right this was good thing as this guy was talking about depression

21:03 Before you go on antidepressants, check you're not spending too much time with arseholes. You're not actually depressed! You just hanging around really crappy people. But I think that's an important distinction actually there is funny but there's also some reality in that like yeah and so as far as anxiousness versus anxiety how does someone do a little check with themselves I think if you're constantly worried about what the future holds and you've got all these negative thoughts going on, then you'll also have other symptoms like palpitations

21:46 You know, whatever feelings you get in your stomach. Butterflies, churning... Whatever goes with that! Sweat, insomnia and all the other symptoms that go with it because it's not just a case of going, oh frightened! There is everything there are breathing changes where you can sweat There's so many symptoms and you're checking off that, well yeah I'm constantly thinking about the future. And I've got all these other ones then yeah I started stopping going out or not doing this. When I go into a supermarket my heart races and I can't breathe you're having a panic attack

22:28 So when I, in the early part of my personal development journey and it was during a relationship that wasn't going very well. And I was trying to look at myself and what I could do and I ended up...I channeled my attention on something called CBT Cognitive Behavioural Therapy. That's the first time I really got an understanding about how the mind works Thought coupling. So having one simple thought like, oh I've got to pick the kids up and then another one comes along like what about the traffic? And then you start worrying about the car and the MOT The

23:21 I was panicking and freaking out and locking myself in the cupboard about it, but I was ending up making poor decisions or sort of shutting down more inside myself than externally. But I was definitely shutting down. What... you know someone who's experiencing anxiety as something new and then you've got someone who has been putting up with or experiencing anxiety for a long time what are some of the day-to-day steps they can take to really manage that? It's exactly what you said, it's the thoughts. We have no control over the thoughts that pop into our heads however we have a choice whether to react to them or not How you react and how you feel to a thought, to a situation is a choice

24:09 You know, like if you imagine flicking through the television. You're just flicking through the channels and if you see a program that you quite fancy, you'll stop and watch it yeah? And it's like your thoughts all those thoughts keep flicking through and I'll say to clients If it's not useful or if it's not kind and it's not true then recognize it as one of those things See for what is it's a thought and then move on to another though Consciously make the choice to think of something else. Do you think it helps to relate a scenario where you make choices quite easily?

24:50 Let's say I was in a pub and someone says to you, what do you want to drink? If if you can make that decision quite easily does that get... Someone should say oh I do have the ability and the confidence to make decisions in this scenario so just make one here. Yeah and people will be saying but what'll I do when I don't know what to do? And I'll sit down well you know they're not sure what to do always always acknowledge their thought! Then what happens is, if you imagine that you're a bit like a bottle. You know, okay and something happens, you pop it in the bottle and you pop the lid on, you're not dealing with it Eventually that bottle's going to get too full and it'll explode Yeah So you always acknowledge their thoughts And as I say see them for what they are and if it's not kind or true then decide to move onto something else If you can't think of anything else then move onto sing a song Perfect so without skimming past that

25:44 It's not kind, it's not true and it's not helpful. So when someone has that thought the subconscious mind is popping that thought in there or the other being inside us is popping that in there and then you, the conscious person gets to say hello thought yeah nice to see you yep are you kind truthful or helpful? Yeah And if you can say... If you decide no to each of those then what do you just wave on so Bob on Because an anxious person will do what? Start to interrogate you and look at you. Yeah, start questioning it! You know, why am I thinking like that? Oh well. It happened to me just a few weeks ago actually and I was just in the kitchen plotting about it and thought popped into my head then I started thinking okay where did that come from? Why is that? And then I started thinking what am i doing?! I'm giving too much time! Too much energy you know because of I was starting to focus on that and then not meet the palpitations working as like no go away yeah and so someone who's listening insane yeah but I can't do that

26:48 You must experience that in your coaching because they're very right that they stuck in that, whereas this obvious way of dealing with it but they're like well I couldn't possibly do that. That's like have you got a different solution? But are they just gonna literally test it try and practice pick an easy one and test it gain confidence with the process and then be able to use it on a more regular basis than some of the big scary hairy ones The more you do that Acknowledge it, thank it for popping in. Whatever you know give gratitude to it Thank you for being there that's fine But you know you're not helpful I don't need to deal with ya the more you practice doing that easier It becomes however if there's that moment where you like oh? Don't know what else do think of a simple thing to do would be to stick your tongue at the back of your teeth Up up the back of your teeth right and when you do that You can't think of anything negative

27:42 Can't think of anything. Okay, so this is like an interruption basically? Yeah yeah like a pattern interrupts so you're focusing on your tongue being up the back it just behind your teeth because it's not a feeling you normally experience right and then it's kind of like oh look at that what am I doing but also because you have to focus on what you're doing And the great thing about that is it's a little secret. It's not like you're having to suddenly do a can-can, you're just quietly in the supermarket tapping the top of your mouth with your tongue as they interrupt. Someone said to me the other day they've been told they should hug themselves would that work? Hugging, as you know, is good

28:32 I get clients that, now hugging is a good one. There's also what's called a bilateral simulation which is where you're activating the left brain and right brain so logical side creative side I've got a little beanbag here, which for those who obviously are only listening have a little bean bag. You can use anything you can use your glasses something that passes between your hands quite easily like a squidgy or a small ball or a juggling ball or even just a softball and you want to pass it from side-to-side but you want to pass it from side-to-side what you're doing is when you're thinking about whatever it is that makes you feel anxious and you're watching that go from side to side

29:15 Yeah, again because it's doing that whole crossover. Yep. That causes a confusion in the brain so it's kind of like what was I thinking about? Oh God! But not only that because you're focusing on something else It takes away from the thought yeah So for me one thing we were chatting about before we pressed record was My attitude towards anxiety quite often can be, well just stop it. You know like come on and I really respect to know that it's real but as someone who is

29:53 I've done work and personal development, other coaching and stuff. And there's that Bob Newhart video on YouTube Stop It! If anyone has not seen that just search YouTube for Stop It!, it is hilarious. I think it was a Saturday Night Live sketch or something from the 70s? He had a show in the 70s. So this lady comes in with all her...I can't stop thinking about this and I'm worrying about that. And you know what gets hilarious he said okay well this is going to take five minutes so I'm gonna charge you ten bucks And he just keeps telling her to stop it. It's hilarious, it really is hilarious but its so true as well! Its so true absolutely true but you only know what you know and if you don't

30:37 How to stop it. You don't know where the switch is to flick the switch, then you don't know! So you can then internally answer that question. Then you've got the tapping your tongue on the back of your mouth, or possibly hugging yourself. Yeah, hugging! The bilateral simulation. Throwing something from side to side yeah? But not with a bilateral simulation it doesn't have to be throwing something You don't even need anything in your hand. You're just watching your hand go backwards and forwards but you can also

31:16 Put your hands together. It's terrible for audio! No, it's fine but the video is on YouTube anyway so you can search up Team Super Dad on YouTube and this video is here with Marina Collins the interviewer You can put your hands together and put them on your collarbone And it's like a butterfly So it's called Butterfly Hug And you tap one side slowly at a time And again, that gives you that bilateral stimulation. They used that for tsunamis with kids caught up in tsunamis and there was so much going on in their little minds they did this what they call the butterfly hug. Again Google that!

31:57 So, thinking about what I was saying. My attitude towards anxiety and I've learned so much about it today. What if a dad is one of their children could be What's the word? Expressing or showing signs of anxiety. Maybe you've met someone new and they're great, but they seem to have anxiety stuff going on. What can a dad do if people around them are showing signs of anxiety? What is the best way to help people around you?

32:44 You can't control other people. Do you mean like if their kids are showing it, is that what you're meaning? Obviously you could share everything that we've just talked about so that's great to be able to share those things but As a support, as someone who... let's say someone was almost like having the most extreme. Someone is having a panic attack and you're there with them? Yeah! Just being there for them and getting them to breathe. Breathe slowly now again I'm going to show another thing for breathing because when you go into state of panic you take a sharp intake of breath, you know like when you've got frightened you tend to then hold it in for awhile

33:24 The Jonnie Jensen Show, Jonnie Jensen, Team Super Dad, Marina Collins, Fife, Scotland, Barry NLP Slow it back down, get it back to normal. Now just asking people to focus on their breathing can sometimes be a bit... you know my mind's not there I can't really do that I can't focus on trying and trying and then its no working so what I do is I get them to trace around their hand So we start at the thumb and they would breathe in And then out Then keep going round with your fingers In Out It'll do it slowly obviously, in out and as they've done that one is help them to regulate their breathing. It's also giving them something else to focus on so just with one hand you hold your hand out like a spider and literally run your finger of your other hand around the outline of your fingers and thumbs in-out

34:20 Because the common thing between all of these things is focus. When you're giving focus to something that makes you anxious, there's a part your brain called the reticular activating system. I call it the thinker and approver. I seem to be the only one that has ever heard this what they think or thinks and proves. So when you're thinking of something or giving focus to something yeah your approver has to prove it So when you're focusing on things that make you feel anxious, what are you going to get? More anxious because your prover has to prove it. If anybody's ever done that thing of buying a new car so they've gone into the garage and picked their car and they got to go back a week or so later to pick it up then all of sudden everywhere they'll say oh there is this car like me I have white Kia. There's one here, everybody has a white Kia

35:16 It's not that everybody has suddenly went, oh Marina's got a new cast. You know it's just that my focus had changed Yeah, so my prover had to prove it. Totally and for anyone doubting that this thing exists It does exist and the reason it exists is that if it wasn't there we'd all go mad because we would notice millions of things constantly And so the reticular activating system helps us focus on things that matter to us at that time So he's actually a survival instinct really? Yes! Now in this modern age that we live in When we're aware of it and have got control of it, we can actually start to draw things towards us by I'm focused on kick-starting my life. I'm focused on finding a new relationship. I'm focused on transforming my experience at work or even finding a new work. We literally get what we think about or we get what we focus on

36:03 When it's out of control though, just like you're saying I focus on am i anxious? Yes! I am anxious. Is there any reason to be anxious? Yes all these anxious things yeah exactly oh every time I think about this happens we don't think about it which is the stuffy thing. It sounds like easy and as I say you'll know what you know when I point a lot of this out to clients they are kind Oh yeah, get it now. Yeah and that's straight away we go back into what you said you start tapping your tongue and you think hello thought is that helpful? Is that true? Is that happy? Okay great none of it was brilliant then I can let that thought go by. I said to my boy today at school he keeps getting in trouble for overreacting about situations and I said look imagine those things are waves on the beach. The waves going

36:59 There's going to be another wave straight after it. Now you can choose to just stand there and let the wave go past, you could choose to jump over it like really take control of the situation or you could let the tiny wave knock you over and then flail around in the shallow waters like the world is ending only then to stand up two minutes later and realize that it wasn't that bad and there's another way of coming." And I said to him, look buddy You know, pick your waves. But don't allow each and every one to knock you over for no reason. And for me when talking to my kids trying to make some real simple analogies like that so he can picture it in his mind... Yeah! ...I'm on the beach it's nice I'm enjoying it let the waves come through me. There are some great books for kids because like kids chew anxiety out of you in different ways they end up with upset stomachs and things like that

37:45 And you know, a lot of these techniques that I've done can be used with kids as well. But there's some great books called NLP for Teens and NLP for Kids. I remember who does them! I was looking to see if i had one handy. NLP being Neuro Linguistic Programming and it's about how you do your thinking. The books are brilliant. It's little exercises for them to get them to see how they do their thinking so that they can change their Yeah, that's so powerful and we haven't really spoken about that but in a divorced or separated situation kids very young could express anxiety. Teens especially girl teens you know boys could go off and get quite reckless girls self-harming and stuff like that. My youngest when I was going through... When i was going through stuff with my previous marriage

38:48 The And so they were witnessing him throwing things at me, punching me. Things like that you know? So that messed them up! As they got older one of them dealt with it her way and the other one dealt with it as she got older was like well I need a drink You know before she was 14 She was just drinking

39:32 Well she doesn't now. She drinks occasionally but not a lot, you know? She's a mum now, single mum herself now! But yeah it just affects kids So a parent could, so a dad like obviously we're talking to dads but this I hope this gets does get shared with mums and stuff. They could sit their kid down and say if you said them are you having anxious thoughts they're not really gonna answer that are they? But do you worry about stuff or did you get a bit panicky is that the kind of question you could ask them yeah because they may not know what anxiety is, they may not know what feelings are,

40:09 My granddaughter gets anxious and at first she didn't know what it was either. It often shows upset stomachs, so if they're constantly taking time off school because of their tummy then ask them what they're thinking you know? What's happening in the little world that is causing talk that it's so important to talk to them and understand what they are going through It's reframing it, you know so you don't want to say well will you stop thinking like that. You don't want to do that because you wanna... Like you've done, reframing it with the whole waves and everything. We wanna reframe into something more positive for them, you know? So I'm getting them to focus on something good so that they're not then focusing on those feelings

40:59 And is that, so it's kind of normalizing it for them. Then do what? Do we go into some of the tips that we've talked about and have you know because even at the youngest age someone can know how to tap their tongue on their mouth. That's fine. Yeah and I guess there's the final part of that would be The talking up front, the practical steps when it's happening and then encouraging them what to share. If like at the end of the day you don't say did you have any anxiety today? You want to say I always ask my kids what was the best bit of your day absolutely and then they get... And that opens up the space then to say oh was there any bad bits yeah yeah and actually they're quite open about it. I read something I think it was this morning someone had spoken to their kid

41:43 I had said, how was school? And they went oh it was rubbish. They counted how many bad bits of the day there were and there were just three! And then they went well what good happened? Nothing so then they started to talk about what happened in their day and then they outweighed We found that there was like, say six for example good things that happened that day. You know and then they're saying well six is a bigger number than you know... Yeah we won the game 6-3! Absolutely you know that focus on the six good things And that's habits for life basically yeah we're talking about Positive thinking, getting into the realms of law of attraction and vibrations and psycho cybernetics but just allowing kids. Just having read Ask And It Shall Be Given I've actually listened to it twice this week. I was thinking about my kids money boxes and i'm going off a bit on off tangent here but I said to them don't ever... when we go to the shops or whatever and when we put money into your bank account I never want you to empty your piggy bank

42:45 I always want you to feel, I've got money. Yeah! Because i'm just looking at my own financial situation and some of the stuff... Some of my like pre-programmed thoughts there yeah um and it's like wow okay so they'll never think I've got no money they'll always think if I'm saving more or I'm growing my money is such a powerful path for life. It is because if you're focusing on I've got no money what are you going to have? You know as you say that's how manifestation works as well I listen to manifestation things in the morning and often my three-year old grandson is there, and i can hear him repeating it. You know like I am an abundant being and you know listening to him and I'm thinking that's good because he's going

43:27 To normalize that and have that be something he wants to do because his grandma does. So again, I know a couple of different mums who've seemingly got some anxiety stuff with their daughters, mainly daughters actually. These are all great tips that they can actually do with them as practical activities. One thing I want to say as well, is as I said earlier we're all never born with two fears. Sun loud noises and fear of falling. Anxiety is either something that you learn as a child because you had an anxious parent so it's being mindful that if you are anxious then your passing that on or its something that can be caught. So something happens and creates that anxiety

44:14 So if you've got a kid that's quite anxious, it's important actually to have a look at yourself. Yeah yeah totally I totally get that. Wow awesome You mentioned before, you know I mean, before we sort of start tipping into your family and those experiences. What sort of resources do you have or where should someone go to have a look at managing their anxiety or moving past their anxiety? I have a Transformations YouTube channel which has lots of videos on it. Obviously, I've done a lot of training and constantly doing training just to learn more tips so that I can take that forward and help my clients but I have a YouTube channel that's got lots of videos on it with different tips as well.

45:12 NLP Transformations, I think it is on YouTube. And my Facebook page is Transformations as well and I post videos and tips on there as well you know... Well I'll put all that in the show notes so people can read to easily. Yeah! I'm a great believer in giving, why should people keep it to myself and not share? Yeah totally, totally. So listen let's get onto the family stuff. You've got one daughter or two daughters? I have two daughters. One is thirty, oh God wait till I say it out of my head, thirty-six this year and the other one's 33 I think it was! Yeah yeah and how old were they when you split up? So the youngest would have been

46:02 Goodness, I'm trying to think. I've been on roughly four or five? About five and six or seven because there's two years between them. Yeah and you know in so many of the parent forums and stuff i see both mums and dads single mums and single dads kind of bleating on about how Men are crap or women are crap, and it doesn't actually help move things on. What was that like for you in those early stages? Were you upset? Did it take a long time to really start to pull yourself back together? Well because I had decided to leave an abusive marriage for my safety and kids

46:50 Yeah, it's still upsetting and when the divorce came through was so upsetting you know because you think marriage is forever don't ya? However doing the right thing for my kids is important. And he got to see the kids, he'd see them every weekend And then he, one of the reasons that we split up was because he was constantly seeing other people. Then you see someone else and it'd be like well I don't have time for the kids so I'm doing this or I'm doing that and he started pushing them aside. They would get upset, the little one which cause she was little she wet her bed and things like that every time she was there but when she was here signs of anxiety that I now know but didn't know then

47:35 And you know, so and then they made the decision that he'd gone away on holiday. He said he was in hospital but he had actually gone away on holiday with his latest girlfriend and her kids. They made a decision that they didn't want to see him and I thought do you know what? That's their choice! How old were they roughly then? By then they were probably The It was too upsetting for them and he wasn't bothering about that. In fact, at one stage he was with a girl who had kidnapped my youngest which is why she ended up the worst. The pair of them had kidnapped her and taken her into the house and refused to let me have her back I was out with my friends next door and they refused to let me have her back. Had to get police involved So i can understand you know why she would

48:40 I read and hear so much of Parents not letting the other parents see their kids. And I think that, you know firmly in my heart and as a Team Super Dad value equal shared co-parenting is where everything should come from and then after that comes are they okay? Is there any issues here? As both parents give them the time and focus they deserve but it seems obviously the problem we have in the UK still is the other way around right now

49:36 One parent can state how it's going to be and the other parent then has to sort of prove that it shouldn't be that way. But, you know I hope that's a message for anyone listening what you've just shared about the impact on our children when either parent doesn't really give them the love and attention that any child deserves really. So how did you go about... Go on sorry! As she got older she became overprotective of me and And that is the long term impact. Yes, and everybody in a divorced or broken relationship situation has to realize that even if they have to pretend to get along I mean different if someone's been raped or thrown down the stairs or things like that but

50:36 Work out a way that the children can see you being cordial and, are you well? Yes I am. Great! Enjoy the sunshine. I'll see you next time. He is divorced from his first wife as well. When I first got together with him he had a two-year old and you know, he didn't get to see them for awhile she would stop him seeing them and then he did get to see her and things happened and she stopped him seeing So that's why I'm saying, I've seen it from both sides and the hurt it caused him. What freaked me out though was Barry has a mum and had a dad and stepdad And when I first got together with Barry he said you need to come meet my parents! And I thought okay so we'll go there then we'll go there and meet the parents of three of them

51:33 All sat together and I'm like, right so tell us about you. And they're like oh my god that scares me! So what year was this? Oh my god um the girls must have been So we're talking like 20 years ago. Yeah, straight away my kind of stereotypical, like we got a room full of Scottish people right? This is tough Scottish kinda everything's just straight down the line and actually you've got a blended family interested in meeting the woman particularly So, let's get started.

52:28 You know, it's sitting down. That was really strange because in my mind when you split up with something that was it! You had nothing more to do with them and...you never saw them again but they would often come the three of them would come together to visit They'd come for Christmas dinner The three of them did so much together It was just nice and strange That's totally it. Nice, strange and normal? Absolutely yeah! In a world of what is bad and wrong also what is more normal than we're human beings can we find the reason to get along? Yeah actually that reason was a shared reason and it was Barry's well-being and happiness. Absolutely yeah

53:10 You know, so as I say, I've seen it from his side where Barry didn't get to see them. She used them as a weapon kind of thing which some parents do. From my side where it's like well it was my choice because My kids health and safety was more important. Yeah, and being confronted by you know mom dad stepdad You know it's just I've had it all and my youngest daughter is a single parent And she co-parents you know she wants that for her child okay There's a lot of times they don't get on and they'll argue but she's like no no

53:48 You want to co-parent with me, then you will see him however many days a week it takes and that you'll do this and you'll do that. That's what she wants because she knows that it is important for her kid to have a dad in his life. The long term impact on the spectrum? Yes! That's why I think all parents need to realise on a co-parenting spectrum is how do my kids experience of this And I think that's where the legacy aspect comes in for our children to grow up

54:34 Confident in the opportunity to fall in love and create their own family. And secure, in the knowledge that if it doesn't work out they'll do some... They'll be okay, they'll do the right thing Yeah I mean I'd like to think obviously she's learned from everything you know from what I've been through From what Barry has been through and to see that It is okay to work things out and everybody being happy and involved You know so which is why she's taken up that route And you know, I think it's the perfect way to sort of get towards the end here is what advice can you give? I mean, I don't mean like advice but more like from your own experience. You had to... there was a breakthrough moment for you when you went from basically an abused woman, abused wife through to dating, the experience of dating as a single parent,

55:27 Choice and sort of feeling I think I'm falling in love here. Like what could you say about that whole period of time that would be a motivation or reassurance to single parents? I went through so much in that time because going through from divorce, I so much hated myself. I didn't want to be here but then had kids and needed to be here And you're dating and it was like just dating for... Because you don't want to be on your own I actually worked with Barry. Barry was a work colleague and we became friends, and then it grew from there

56:06 It's knowing that, you know what? Maybe the first time wasn't right. The second time wasn't right but there is someone out there There is someone out there that can be kind to you That can give everything that you want That show you love that you need You know like I said earlier I didn't have trust in men and it took me a long time To be with Barry before I actually did I decided that, you know what? I'll actually trust this guy. After maybe 10 years or something and I thought, oh I should do trust this guy! We've been together for so long and it's just knowing there is somebody out there who will help you when it happens. Just be yourself and the right person will be there for you Is there something that you had to give up for that to become possible

57:00 Yeah, I think I had to just maybe not give up but I had to just... Or let go. Yeah you know I had to let go of an idea of the fact that I needed someone and decide which is why Barry and I were just friends it's like he was there with me, I would go to him with men problems do you know what i mean? You know because I was too focused on feeling that I needed something and then when I decided I don't, i've got my kids and it happened. But there was an openness in your heart for it to happen? Yes. So letting the intention and focus go but still there was an openness in your heart to actually create a friendship with a man which then step by step allowed love to come in Yeah and obviously as I said you know it took a few years or two before I learned how to trust him but this whole journey

57:56 And with the fire walking and the hypnotherapy, everything has been well I've been with him. He's helped me through that he's helped guide me through that and help me deal with issues that i've had to deal with and be there to support me through them You know, and it's nice to know that there are kind people out there that can do that for you. And believe in it! Which actually comes back to the anxiety subject... If you believe there is no one out there guess what? Crappy people are going to keep showing up! Absolutely! Many times how we heard it all was why do I always keep picking on the wrong people?!

58:36 Yeah, your clearing is for those kind of people to walk into your life. Wow Marina this has been an absolutely wonderful conversation and I really appreciate it and hope anyone listening does. Your willingness to share aspects of your story and your family that's very generous of you and obviously I know that's who you are to the world Seeing how you've supported the firework, the Firewalking community. I now get a real sense of that's who you are to Barry and your family and everyone you serve as well so thank you for that. It is that hole behind every good man! No! Well no do you know what? That's what really annoys me in this whole equality conversation right now is most people aren't talking about equality they're talking about winning still

59:24 Yeah. And when you can realize that in it, and I think in this PC world we live in today you have to accept that a couple could be any gender but there is a more masculine role and there is a more feminine role and when those two things can work together And actually can appreciate the differences. There's a reason that they're different, it's because it's like a key and lock if we're supposed to go together and produce a powerful team. Absolutely! So many times Barry an I have been or I've been to see like...I go to psychics sometimes like that kind of thing and people have said that we are like yin and yang you know? We just complement each other so well. We were the sad couple who finishes each other sentences You know but as much as I push him towards his dream he pushes me towards mine

1:00:10 Yeah. Oh, gosh that's sparking off another whole load of conversation! You know what we should do? We'll get you and Barry on together and actually have a conversation about some of that like how you're pushing your life forward some of the decisions you're taking to grow both your business and the stuff you doing in the community That would be really interesting as well because Team Super Dad is also very much It's about the kickstart, it's about rebuilding and having more fun, more time, more money. And obviously about the memories we create with our kids. You've got to believe in yourself to be able to do things and as you said earlier about personal development unlike the Fife instructor training is more than personal development

1:00:59 There are no words to describe what I got from that. You know, what? I thought I was over stuff you know and then it's like there are just no words to describe what you could get from that! You've gotta push yourself... To be the best version of you have to push yourself and to be the best version And Firewalking and all the various empowerment exercises. And some talks around it in the key areas of Team Super Dad, so health wealth happiness faith fun and personal power.

1:01:52 You mentioned earlier where people can connect with you, basically Transformations on Facebook? On Facebook. NLPtransformations.org.uk and I'm sure on YouTube it's NLP transformations as well. Okay great! And if anyone is stuck they can come over to the Team Super Dad community and just ask me Jonnie Jensen and i'll send them in your direction If anyone's got any questions or anything, please feel free to message me. I also do the Skype, FaceTime, Zoom whatever needed as well. Epic! So they can come to Fife if they want too but they can also see you from around the world Brilliant give my best to Barry. I can't wait to see you soon Marina it has been a real pleasure having you on Pleasure thankyou take care

1:02:46 The Jonnie Jensen Show, Jonnie Jensen, Team Super Dad, Marina Collins, Fife, Scotland, You know, I just was thinking about that as...as I went through the...that week that day and you know creating a new life kickstarting our life really feeling complete and happy inside and both outside as well in who we are to our friends and our colleagues and especially our children. It isn't about staying on our own all the time

1:03:23 Having fallen back in love, getting it right the next time round seems to me to be possibly the best outcome we could all work towards. And if I think about myself that's certainly the best outcome is what i'm working towards so I have no desire to carry on being a single dad this is like not like a badge of honor in any way It really is just an experience and stepping stone in the journey to future happiness and success So I hope you've enjoyed today's show. If you haven't subscribed, then how the hell are you going to know when the next one comes out? So please go away and subscribe on whatever channel you're listening to YouTube it's The Bell iTunes it's just... Subscribe. Breaker is my favourite on the iPhone that's B-R-E-A-K-E-R And of course we're on Spotify and Stitcher and all the normal places where you hear podcasts

1:04:17 Share it, love it. I can't wait to see you on the next episode. Come over... Oh don't forget come and join us on the Team Super Dad community on Facebook My name's Jonnie Jensen. Team Super Dad out! This has been Team Super Dad Find us at teamsuperdad.com Join the Rebuild Programme and create the best life ever for you and your children You are not alone. Your're on Team Super Dad