The Science Of Creating Happiness with Scott Crabtree

00:00 Creating happiness. It is scientifically proven to make you healthier and it certainly makes you a better person to be around, what's more it can make your business thrive! So how do we do it? Today I talked to happiness expert Scott Crabtree. Roll theme... Welcome to Team Super Dad. Real dads creating their best lives ever, more time, more money, more fun! You are not alone you're on team super dad. Hey welcome to the Team Super Dad podcast we are live live on a what day are we on here Wednesday night in the UK it is

00:40 A new year 2021. So thank you for being here, I've just timestamped a podcast which some people don't say you should never do but i don't care that's over that's absolutely fine if you've had a great start to the year then brilliant! If it's been a challenging start of the year then well...I hope you're in a good place uh..you're in a right place You are here with me tonight on Team Super Dad Podcast we are dads creating our best life ever there's some mums listening as well and you are totally welcome because relationships The power of our family, whether you're still together or whether you're co-parenting equally important. And that's an essence of Team Super Dad and our F5 Focus Fitness Finance Family & Fun. You can read in here more about all of that on the team super dad website but tonight is all about happiness it's all about happiness a subject dear to my heart as we will get into with Scott Crabtree I have just been looking at my Audible account like couple of books with the title Happiness In

01:35 Tony Hsieh sadly died recently and his Zappos ethos of delivering happiness, and the Happiness Advantage as well which Scott was familiar with as soon I mentioned it. Um, without more of the, without further ado I'm going to bring Scott in to the Team Super Dad podcast. Thanks for having me on. Oh and by the way if you are listening live then we are on um, we are on StreamYard across all the socials so you can comment and I'll see those come up. We can even bring you into the conversation if you're watching on the replay or listen to the podcast then uh, would love it if you comment leave a review basically do what you can to spread

02:12 is always appreciated. So let's, let's crack on Scott Crabtree Awesome to have you here all the way from America. It's a tricky day in America as we will touch on in a minute, but before we get into that let's do the introductions. Scott I came across you because of your other podcast that you've been on basically and The Subject Of Happiness and how it fits into Team Super Dad ethos and values particularly around work there is fun in the F5 but also the work side of it finances

02:50 And your focus on, on happiness inside of the workplace was something that instantly attracted me to having you on here. And you said yes! So that's even better so great to see you please feel free introduce yourself can't wait to get stuck into this conversation Thank you so much, Jonnie. I'm so happy to be here with you and all of your listeners. Keep in mind that I basically speak for a living – so you can interrupt me anytime if I go on too long! Long story short, I had a pretty successful career in software and in particular making video games, ended up at Intel, and almost literally stumbled into the science of happiness – randomly saw a book about it in a bookstore

03:32 In fact, one of these books back here, The How of Happiness by Sonja Lepomirsky. I discovered there was a solid peer-reviewed science of choices we can make that lead to more happiness for ourselves, more joy for ourselves – whichever word you want to use. Scientists use subjective well being and I learned that not only do we feel better when we're happier but we perform better when we're happier And I thought, boy, I need this. It was not terribly happy in my time at Intel—great company but I was not very happy there—and I thought boy, I need this and the world needs this so I dove deep into it without the slightest idea that I would end up quitting Intel to found Happy Brain Science so that I could share that science with the world and in particular be a translator between scientists and the working world and help people apply it so they could thrive more at work

04:28 Yeah, totally. Because it's really easy for people to put happiness into the realms of it's a bit woo-woo and you can't just create that or I've got every right to be sad like this suits me to be this way. Oh loads of bad things have happened to me Of course I'm going to be sad and forgetting or ignoring the fact that we can just choose it let alone all the benefits that come with Exactly. This is actually one of the main objections I get in my work, as I repeatedly see this theme of like happiness is elusive you can't define happiness, you can't hold on to happiness it's counterproductive to do that... You know? You've got your wonderful F5 and fitnesses in there right? No! I am not a psychologist psychiatrist etc but that said I ground everything I do in peer-reviewed research

05:21 And that peer-reviewed experimental scientific data is abundantly clear. You absolutely can make choices that will result in you being happier! Is it easy? No. Will it last without you continuing to invest and work on it? No, but you can absolutely make choices that will lead to more or less happiness in your life. And kids know that, don't they? Yeah. They do! What age do we forget that?! That's a very good question Jonnie I love that fun is one of your other F5 because i'm all about fun again I had a career in game development and got a closet full games just off camera here We love to have fun as kids you know I'm dad before go any further this is a little bit

06:12 I'll just quickly show you my two adorable daughters. Two daughters, huh? What age are they? Althea is 12 and Zinnia is 8. 11 and 9, my guys! Jago the boy is 11 and Rosie is nine so very similar age. Nice. So as you said kids have a natural sense of joy happiness playfulness fun And then somewhere along the way, as you know all too well from your own story. We get distracted we lose our way we get burdened we focus on the wrong things it's so easy because the message from the world is

06:56 It's fame that'll make you happy. It's good looks that will make you happy, it's money that will make you happy and maybe those things help a little but according to the scientific research they don't help nearly as much as other things we could pursue now I'm in the United States obviously various listeners are in different cultures and subcultures but there is this overwhelming And science says that doesn't work very well. We adapt to whatever level of success we have, so a lot more money makes a little difference in our happiness and it dissipates quite quickly

07:41 So, the message from the world is chase the fame, chase the money, chase the success and then you'll be happy. And science is...eh! Works a little? Not very well not very lasting If you'd like to be happy and successful, the data suggests work on being happy first because happiness brings success better than success brings happines Yeah, and that's a bit like there is a Tolly Burke Hans in his firewalking. There is a phrase that comes up a lot of with wherever I go here I am. Yes! And so if you're taking

08:22 It's like people move countries in the hope of finding happiness for failing to realise that the very person who was unhappy has gone with them, i.e., themselves! You know human beings can be so smart and creative and wonderful and we can also just mess up our lives and not realise some obvious stuff. So Jonnie I moved from the United States to New Zealand Thinking, this will help my marriage. This will help my life. You actually did this? Brilliant! Tell the story. Come on tell the story. Well whatever level you want to but it's a real-life experience right? Yeah I thought well my marriage isn't so great but maybe a fresh start in New Zealand will help

09:09 There's not a lot of game development going on in Portland, Oregon USA where I live. There is a game company in Wellington New Zealand and maybe I can keep rebooting my game career over there." And as you said wherever you go there you are so My wife and I went over there and discovered, shocker! We still didn't have a great marriage. I still wasn't terribly happy. That's one of the things that the science can help us get more clear on. This is a blanket statement and there's way, way more subtlety than it's about to come across in a short soundbite but the science says that on the whole for most of us most of the time

09:52 All of our life circumstances, where we live what car we're driving whether we have a house or apartment etc. etc. etc all those life circumstances end up having a pretty small impact on our happiness because again We adapt to whatever those circumstances are so I get a new Nissan Leaf and i'm like wow! I'm driving an electric car never thought this would happen that's so awesome And in under a month flipping somebody off on the highway, saying you cut me off you jerk and I'm just miserable driving a long car. We adapt so it's not where we are it's not what car were driving that really makes a lasting difference in our happiness. And I know obviously from from from our previous conversations and preparing for this your work focuses on the happiness

10:46 around work, you know and creating that happiness in work. Tony Hsieh sadly died recently his book had a real impact on me one of the first books I read on business culture anyone's not read that or listened to it Delivering Happiness Tony Hsieh he is founder of Zappos Yeah, great book. Happy in work but not happy at home or can you be happy at home but not happy in work? Which impacts people's happiness most, their home or their work. Great question Jonnie. You just said a minute ago wherever you go there you are so we're walking around with our brains wherever we go, work, home etc and largely were going to feel similarly

11:41 It's very difficult to be overjoyed at work and miserable at home or vice versa. But certainly it has happened for some of us, right? Part of why I focused on work was that it was part of the reason that made me unhappy but the other reason I chose to focus on work is exactly what you said We spend so much time at work. I mean, like it or not if we're working on a normal full-time work schedule we spend more time at work than any other segment of our life if you ignore sleeping, of course. We spend more time with our colleagues than our families and too many of us think well yeah get paid to work so I go to work It's miserable, I hate it but that's what I have to do I'm grinding out so that I can make money and then when I'm done work then I get to be happy

12:31 Ah, life's too short to be miserable for the thing you're doing with most more hours than you're doing anything else. So The data is clear if correlational. I don't mean to be too nerdy on you and your... No, please. It's nice to hear nerdy stuff. Go on, yeah! Be real whatever comes natural. Careful encouraging me here because quite a nerd, quite a geek but I try to ground everything i do in scientific data because I trust the scientific process more than I trust any single person's opinion including my own so I try to be clear about how high quality that data is. And as, I'm sure most of your listeners immediately understand there's a difference between clearly causal evidence and correlational evidence. Two things happen to go together – is there causality there or not? Let's be clear about that. So this is correlational data but the correlational data is that a dad or mom

13:32 But a dad who is more engaged at work has kids who behave better in school. So the connections between what we're doing and how we feel at work, and the way we show up for our families, and the kind of dads we are – therefore, the kinds of kids that we have to bring into the world – it's very strong. Again, I'm not claiming a lot of causality here but it's clear that what we're doing at work affects what we're doing at home. The quality of our life at home affects what we're doing at work. And is that because you come in home So, let's

14:30 It's not much fun for an hour or something like that. That can create anxiety in kids, which I guess they then take into school? Absolutely! Part of why I fell in love with the science of happiness so much is so much of it is win-win. Basically there's a virtuous circle The kinder we are, the happier we are. The happier we are, the kinder we are. The more generous we are, the happier we are. The happier we are, the better citizens we are! Fundamentally, Jonnie, the science says and this is a bit oversimplified for brevity. We can dive in deep wherever you like but a bit oversimplified science basically tells us when we're stressed when we're afraid we go toward fight or flight. Fight or flight is not a switch it's a continuum right? You can be a bit guarded or full-on panicked but to whatever degree you are toward fight or flight your brain is figuratively shrinking

15:32 These wonderfully human, uniquely human layers of neocortex loosely speaking just under our skull largely go to the back burner. And the limbic system and the brainstem which together look like the brains of most other mammals your cat or your dog for example those go to the front burner they get all the oxygen glucose etc And when you're in fight or flight, you see three and only three solutions to problems. Fight – which could be yelling at your kids by the way Run – which could mean I'm going golfing all weekend instead of being with you Although you hear about it less, your number one default response is just freeze because if you shut up and stay still the mountain lion might not see and you might get away Which is a great way of surviving an encounter with a mountain lion but no such great way as being a great dad

16:25 So, if you find joy and happiness – we can get into definitions later if you want to. But whatever word people want, we're talking about lasting meaningful sense of well-being and positive emotions To whatever extent you come home happy, you come home with a fully human working brain that's ready to be a great dad. And if you come home when your boss has just been yelling at you and you're miserable about what you're doing and you don't have any meaning in it... If work is misery, you're likely to come home ready to fight runaway or just freeze and not be there for your family. Yeah which alarmingly we just mentioned about the impact on kids but

17:09 So this is what I'm about to say now, it seems to be lost in so much commentary about relationships and separation and stuff. But women are attracted to masculinity they want us to not dominate dominating and controlling in their way but they want us to be strong and show up as leaders in our family co-leaders at the very least when we show up withdrawn and detached The very thing that our partners fell in love with, that shine starts to fade. Men have to take responsibility for their masculinity

17:52 And how they show it and how they let it out. So happiness, lightness vulnerability are all parts of things which are present in the early stages of a relationship and what you just shared there about coming home fight flight or panic It's not very attractive really, and it's not a great way to foster connection at all. So that quickly impacted the love and joy in a relationship as well. Exactly! And science is very clear

18:30 Everyone is different and anybody listening to this may not fit the following, but for the vast majority of us – most of us most of the time – the single most important factor in our happiness and well-being is the quality of our relationships with other people. So again there's this virtuous cycle right? If I have good relationships at work I can have good relationships at home and that will lead to more happiness and more effectiveness both at work, and at home. And if i'm miserable... If I come home and fight flight or freeze, I'm probably not going to be a good relater with my kids with my wife

19:13 So, investing in our happiness helps us have better relationships which helps us get more happiness. Which helps us get more relationships which by the way helps us be more successful at work as well. Creativity, leadership confidence money Yeah and I'm more about meaning and lasting impact than the surface things but there's this quote that i like uh... Happiness is the ultimate accessory Meaning, you know the thing that can make you most attractive is not a great watch or a great hat. Or a great earring it's being happy I mean i want to be with happy people yeah people talk about uh...

20:00 Relief projects or they visit third world countries for the first time and quite often I hear, I've not done it myself but you know you hear how their what's startling at first. What was immediately noticeable is how happy Children seem to be happy with virtually nothing. They're playing with a flipping old tire and they're laughing and joking, and the people are welcoming and they'll have you into your home even though they've got nothing to offer you. And it just seems at ease about it which clearly highlights that as humans its not about what we've got, it's about who were being. Yes!

20:40 It's not about what we've got, it's about who we're being. It's about how we're relating. It's about wanting what we have. So look finance is one of your F5 and I'm all for strong finances right? Nobody wants or needs to go through life stressed about being in massive debt for example that's very bad for happiness I'm not anti-money at all. I have a for profit company, Happy Brain Science makes money and charges a lot of money for workshops and stuff. You know, I am not anti-money in any way shape or form but the data is clear if your basic needs are not met, if you cannot afford healthcare and shelter and food on a regular basis more money will make a massive difference to your happiness

21:26 Once your basic needs are met, once you have a place to live some food on the table You can go to see the doctor. A lot more money makes a tiny difference in your happiness The latest data again not claiming causality here But the correlational data is that at least in the United States Once you're making $70,000 dollars a year More money will not get you more happiness Now it might lead to higher life satisfaction You might ride the bus home with your head a little higher saying, whoa I just got a promotion. I'm making over 100 grand a year! That's awesome and more power to anyone who wants to be successful and make more money but again let's be clear on what's most important in life and the data suggests once you have enough money

22:15 Sure, I'm all for more money. I hope to make more money in 2021 than I did in 2020 but that's not what I'm focused on. What I'm focused on is connecting with people, helping people getting into that focus zone that scientists call flow having a positive attitude as challenging as that has been throughout 2020 and unfortunately in my country today as well Let's focus on the right things. And if we focus on the right things, the money will come because science says our brains fundamentally work better when we're happier.

22:55 I'm just letting that settle in for a second there. Cause when you hear, when you know this is what I love about the podcast and the conversations is that inside of the general conversation certain things get said and you just have to... And I encourage listeners to do this sometimes just press pause and take in that last sentence so it doesn't just hit like words actually can just take on board and consider okay So where Where have I got happiness in my life? Where have I let happiness slip, where am I not choosing happiness and then what are the impact in some of those areas is it's a self audit but its also about taking some responsibility in those areas because its very easy. I know I've done it myself but its very easy to blame other people or our own state of happiness when actually has to start from inside

23:47 And that's about choice, right? I saw one of your tweets from today about choosing happiness. What can you tell us about that? Yeah well first of all just a super quick story...I had the great pleasure to do a semester abroad at the University of Sussex in Brighton in your wonderful country so... Oh yeah! I used to live in Brighton. Did ya?! Great town. I loved my time there. Anyway, it was during my time in England when I was riding along on a train and reading a self-help book. This book basically said if your life is a play what is your role? Are you thinking of yourself as a victim or are you thinking about yourself as an actor who takes action?

24:40 Long story short, I don't want to ask for people's sympathy but my childhood was not exactly a delightful walk in the park. I had it easier than many, I'm sure but there were some challenges there and when I was younger – when I was a teenager – I thought stuff is happening to me that stinks blah-blah-blah… And yeah, things do happen to us and those things can affect our happiness and our well-being. And you're focused on exactly the right issue Jonnie. Can we become not passive but active? Can we realize that happiness is a choice? It's easier said than done, right? I had a very unhappy 2020 on the whole as a lot of people did. The world circumstances have been very challenging for awhile now

25:31 But how do we show up to that? How do we respond to that? Do we just say, oh my goodness I used to get to travel and do all these workshops with live audiences and now i don't. Or do we say, Oh my goodness! I live in a time of the internet and I can connect to audiences all over the world despite there being a pandemic Wow, Boeing called me and asked if I could do more virtual workshops right when the pandemic started. How lucky am I? Am I going to focus on the fact that I can't go outside and hug random strangers anymore in a pandemic or am I going to focus on what is still good?

26:07 The data is clear. Again, this is not just my opinion. I spent many years at Intel as you heard and the former CEO of Intel Andy Grove had a quote that we often repeated in meetings and hallways at Intel. That quote was everyone has an opinion some people have data So again, I try to trust the scientific data and the data suggests if you choose different things you will be happier. Very very simple example to make sure this is clear to everybody... You've got fitness in your F5! Yay hooray because the data is abundantly clear. If you're getting regular exercise you will be happier

26:54 The data is clear. If you watch a lot of TV, you'll not end up as happy. If you spend a lot of time on social media, you'll get less happy. Now let me be clear – a little bit of good educational TV and engaging TV? Totally fine! Social media? Wonderful! That's how we're going to reach some people right?! But if you are going to choose between going on a run or watching your seventh TV show, science is abundantly clear that you are going to end up happier if you go on that run So there are choices we can make, there are lots of them. But we're not passive actors in our own happiness and well-being. We're the person in charge of our own lives so let's make them better! That's what Team Super Dad is all about. We can turn things around for ourselves by taking action. Yeah totally

27:45 I was on a landmark education course once and this woman was sharing about her partner had died and it was hell. And, you know, to really, she was stuck in her sadness and the course leader said to her so how long are you going to be like this for? Almost like a Tony Robbins kind of moment. So yeah. How long are you gonna be like that? Until I'm not sad. And he's like, well no how long? Like a week 10 days? She goes, I guess I don't mind how long you're going to say but let's just all be clear now there's 150 people in here let's just choose how long you're gonna be like this because then then then your know your know like you won't be wondering how long are we stuck with this you could just choose how long are you gonna be stuck by this and and i'll share a little story on the train ride home that night on the tube right in London Underground

28:41 I was a bit confused about what was going on and trying to work through stuff that had come up during the day. And, I could see my reflection in the window and i was looking pretty fed-up as we came out of the underground into open air on the edge of London, my cell phone rang And it was my family calling from Chicago and they'd just been to the cinema, to the movies we normally go to. They were like, Oh Jonnie its us! We know you're always with us and we've been thinking of you so we decided to call. As I'm having this conversation I see my same reflection obviously in the window and just two minutes later i've gone from being confused miserable like oh so much crap's happened to me to laughing and joking feeling utterly loved

29:26 Because of what I'd heard that day, it was like oh wow. I could choose this whenever, right? Whenever I want. And that moment with that lady sharing about her loss and her sorrow and the coach saying well how long are you going to be like this for all just like keys in a door it all just fitted together. And I can't say that I can pick that up every day and just make it happen but but you know in times of feeling a little bit low I can go back to that and say okay well what is going wrong here I haven't been running, I haven't been doing my meditating. I haven't been doing my journaling. I haven't spoken to any of my sisters. I sent my sister a message today just telling her that I love her basically and that's about that generosity you were talking about passing it on as well so particularly in this time when we're all stuck indoors

30:18 If you're having a cup of coffee, I'll stop prattling on in the second. But if i'm having a cup of coffee and think well I'm going to sit there and drink this anyway so I go and knock on one of my neighbor's doors and say I'm having a cup of coffee like should we have one together? And they probably laugh about me when I'm not there but but I do that regularly with my neighbors and sometimes it's on the doorstep now and sometimes indoors It's about reaching out and connecting with people. Yes, yes more than anything else it is about reaching out and connecting to other people. And again there are lots of factors, lots of choices we can make to be happier but you've hit the nail on the head Jonnie first and foremost is that its about connecting with other people

31:03 Daniel Gilbert, Harvard professor said if you had to summarize all the science of happiness in one word which thankfully we don't I'd be out of a job but if you did... Or get really well paid for doing it. Ladies and gentlemen Scott Crabtree! Social. Thank you very much, goodbye! Yeah so he says if you had to summarize the science of happiness in one word it would be social The late great positive psychologist which is basically the science I have been as Chris Peterson summarized the science of happiness positive psychology as other people matter If you look at the very sad journals of people who take their own lives You find the word I mean mine a lot

31:52 And if you look at journals of people who are thriving, you see far less of those references to self and more focus on others. There's so much subtlety here because We're responsible for ourselves. We're the only ones, you know? I'm talking about what's going on between your ears and the choices you make and you've got to be in charge of your own life and you-you-you but when you're thinking about all those choices and how you're gonna be a super dad... The most important choice you can make for your happiness therefore brain function success and so much more in life is to connect with other people in an authentic way

32:35 If I'm not talking too long, I just want to say that your neighbors love you. And I bet there are introverts listening to this call saying like, Oh my goodness! I don't want somebody knocking on my door asking for a cup of coffee or like wow how weird is that? Like...I had the great pleasure of having dinner with Sonja Libomirsky who I mentioned earlier who wrote my introduction in The Science Of Happiness book I highly recommend called The How Of Happiness And there were four of us at the table and a fellow researcher asked, Sonya, so what's the most exciting research that hasn't been published yet of yours? And Sonya said – sorry Professor Lubomirsky said we're doing a study right now that says – has found the biggest happiness boost in anything we've studied so far. And that is act like an extrovert whether you're an extrovert or an introvert

33:29 Act a bit more outgoing. Treat an elevator ride as a social experience, go knock on your neighbor's door and say hey you want to have coffee? Now I know there are introverts listening to this saying like no you don't understand Crabtree! You're an extrovert i'm an introvert that's going to make me miserable and exhausts me according to the peer-reviewed data introverts want social contact less it will tire them more but and Both introverts and extroverts get a massive boost in well-being from reaching out and connecting to other people. And by the way, that research just completed peer review and got published in 2020! So solid science suggests reach out connect

34:17 And don't overthink it, I guess. Like as human, a lot of, I often mention this right? Dogs just walk up to each other and sniff their arse. There's no airs and graces there. There's no like, Oh my God, what are you going to think? Oh no, maybe I haven't done my hair today or It's so true, Jonnie. There is a wonderful article on psychology today and I hope your listeners and watchers will forgive me that I can't remember the author but

34:58 I believe it's a female psychologist who is writing about why are dogs so popular? Why do so many people love dogs, spend thousands of dollars to get a purebreed dog or whatever. Why are dogs so popular and she says here is what dogs do they're always happy to see you they always bring energy they always accept you just as you are And I think the last one was they're always ready to play and have fun. I'm not exactly sure on that last one, I should look it up. Yeah yeah whatever. Exactly so honestly this has changed how i relate to my wonderful daughters

35:37 I think, I want to be like our dog, Mopin. We have a dog named Mopin and Mopins always happy to see any member of the family wag their tail and oh it's so good to see you if i haven't seen you in hours! I'm overjoyed to see you! I try to be more like my dog If I haven't seen my kids in awhile I'm like Althea great to see you how are you? Zinnia what's going on I haven't seen you know what so Dogs are popular because of just what you said. They don't overthink it, they just connect and they connect with energy and acceptance and joy. And they're choosing it like a dog doesn't choose it right? They don't realize their choosing but its... A dog just thinks well why wouldn't I wag my tail and jump up and be happy like that's what there is to do! You know we pick this kid up from school whatever there has been going on in your day It doesn't matter because your kids walking out of school Why wouldn't you run up to them hugged him

36:35 I, I try as much as possible. It's not always about saying yes to my kids but if they say can we go to the park or can we get a tree? Or like what is the natural instinct of the parent is to say no, I've got this planned with busy and actually if you stop yourself think hang on a minute Really, what reason do I have to say no? And how magical or conversely on the opposite side of that conversation. How magical is it for a kid to come out at school with like this wild idea and then be told okay let's Yeah, absolutely. There's a wonderful technique – I know we're all busy and I'm as guilty of it as anybody – like no kiddo, I can't play game right now, I gotta work. And sometimes I do! Sometimes I'm scheduled for a live podcast with Jonnie and I gotta do that, I can't go play a game right now but way too often, as you said, I'm like no, I've gotta get through my email.

37:38 Really? Are the people in my email more important than my daughters?! So there's this wonderful research, and again I'm going to have to ask forgiveness for not having all the details right at tip of my tongue here. But you may know The Heath Brothers – they are both professors. They write wonderful research-based books such as Switch, Made To Stick, Decisive…and I believe it is in Switch How To Change When Change Is Hard They talk about script the critical move, which basically is don't overthink it. Focus on the one thing that's going to make the biggest difference. So they cited research that said for struggling families, for people who are going through hard times, The single most effective difference in the quality of that family life was for parents to have a time-in strategy

38:32 That is, most of us are familiar with timeouts. You've been a bad girl and you go sit by yourself for five minutes or whatever. This is the opposite. It's only five minutes Althea or Zinnia but I am going to focus completely on you for five minutes and just five minutes of really focused parent-to-kid connection That can fuel hours of independent play for that kid while I do a podcast or present to DreamWorks, or whatever it is I'm doing. So it's more about quality than quantity

39:11 And let's not overthink it. Let's choose happiness by choosing relationships, by choosing our kids over that last email etc. Yeah yeah hey kid um I've got 10 minutes what would you like to do? Yeah just do it and whatever it is right! I mean you talk about people want dads To lead, and generally speaking I think that's true. I don't think it's 100% true for everybody but in general speaking it is true right? But maybe for just those 10 minutes your kid is leading you know if you're asked to be an arctic fox or put on a tutu or be a martian for ten minutes alright! You are in charge let's do it! Oh totally

39:57 Oh, I love this subject. So I can just riff on this for hours but my son and I we've been desperate to play some football and so I arranged it the other day that is that my daughter stayed with her mum for the day so they could do some mom-daughter stuff when we had a dad Sunday and we played football soccer three hours Three hours in the park and it rained, and then it stopped raining. And the sun came out and then it rained again. And when we left he absolutely hammered it down right? So so was there was three hours that it was kind of getting dark but but that time just flew by and it was freezing cold. It's like a million and one reasons why we couldn't do it just like you say He looks calmer, he's happier

40:42 Just making that time is magical. Absolutely, hey Jonnie if it's okay I want to go back to something we touched on earlier about choosing happiness because I want to give that a little more subtlety to it. Yeah please! I absolutely believe everything we've both said so far. Happiness IS A CHOICE and trying to prevent yourself from ever having negative emotions is a fool's errand right? It has been a tough year or so for the world. I don't mean to go dark in the middle of this very positive talk, but it's a dark day in my country – the United States of America. A mob has stormed our capital, right? Scientists like to coin words. A word they've coined recently is emo-diversity

41:40 What emo diversity gets at is those who feel all of life's emotions actually end up thriving the most. So, you talked about that workshop where the person said how long are you going to be sad in your grief? Note that it was not hey snap out of it right now sure you lost a loved one but let's put on a smile and be happy! I mean sadly you and I have both lost siblings in our lives if I remember your story correctly And to be candid with you and the audience, I lost my younger sister last year. Middle of 2020. That was unbelievably sad for me and look, I know the science happiness. I know how to make myself happier. It was not a happy time

42:24 2020 has been a really, really rough year. I'm on the West Coast of the United States. We had unbelievably intense blankets of smoke from forest fires for a week plus on top of the pandemic, on top of racial injustice and the point i'm trying to make is Of course we're going to feel sad sometimes. Of course, we're gonna feel unhappy sometimes and that's okay! That's normal natural healthy and even helpful those negative emotions can help us move forward right? You realizing you were not happy is part of what made Team Super Dad happen

43:06 Right? My unhappiness, my sister's unhappiness to be fully candid about it is part of why I latched on so much to the science of happiness and I hope i'm making a positive difference in the world today. Our shame can alert us that we violated our own moral code anger can get us to fix injustice for the world So look there is nothing wrong with unpleasant emotions The question is, those are going to come. There's no doubt it's unavoidable bad things happen mobs store the camp capital siblings die parents die sad things happen we're gonna feel unpleasant emotions that's okay that's natural the question is given everything that's gonna happen given that you're gonna have some hard times what are you going to do when you do have a choice? When you have a choice between connecting with a colleague or

44:00 You mentioned mindfulness earlier, and I try to ground all my work in science as I've said. But I also really appreciate Meditation and mindfulness. And by the way, science says it's a wonderful tool for happiness and creativity and more! You may know there is a Buddhist monk named Thich Nhat Hanh. Thich Nhat Hanh says to suffer is not enough. How can I smile when there are starving children in the world? Because there are also beautiful children who are happy with smiles on their faces and a beautiful blue sky

44:52 So I just wanted to make sure people understand, look if you think i'm in the business of like be happy all the time no matter what's going on that is not it. Trying to constantly be blissed out is a fool's errand but given that we're gonna have hard times given there are bad things in the world and suffering and unpleasant emotions Let's choose as much joy as we can. Let's choose as much helping each other out, connecting being generous and all those things focus to go back to your F5 focus and flow especially in tough times help us be happier so we are going to suffer it's unavoidable it's how do we cope? It's how do we choose given that life can be hard sometimes

45:36 Yeah, such an important message. And to realise that these experiences happen to us not necessarily to crushers But to teach you something for an experience, if you're biblical it's God never sends us challenges we aren't capable of handling. Um but even as a being is a creature on this earth our hard times shape us and create us and I really reflected on that in with everything that happened in my life with the divorce and death and all the things that went on was like

46:14 It was the essence of Team Super Dad. What if all this had happened for a reason? I think that people can ask themselves that, then they can take some understanding out of a bad situation now or anything that's going on, anything stressful or loss or pain or discomfort you can say to yourself what if this is happening for a reason and then start to build upon it. You know must have been those sorts of thoughts must've gone through Nelson Mandela head 23 years in prison he must have I had to seriously reflect on that thought. Absolutely, scientists there are researchers studying what they call traumatic growth trauma comes something horrible happens to us some people sink and decline and some people respond and seem to grow and get stronger because of it And what's the difference there? It's unclear. I want to be clear where I claim to be an expert in where I don't and i'm not a deep expert in traumatic growth

47:16 But essentially, the science of well-being – positive psychology, neuroscience and more – says one of the benefits that comes with happiness is resilience. If you have strong relationships, if you focus and get into flow If you have a positive attitude, if you cope and have good coping skills – healthy coping skills such as exercise for example. When those hard times come, you're going to be more resilient. You're going to bounce back more quickly and more completely than someone who's not prepared. They are not strong enough because they don't have all the resources or because they haven't helped their brain be the best brain it can by choosing happiness.

48:02 Yeah. And you know what's important to mention here is that this isn't something that people have to study for weeks, months years too, to take on board, to develop. This is something that people can every person can just start to adopt. I saw your shared LinkedIn insight timer The meditation app, I'm going to find you on there and friend you. Excellent! Because I love the app that's a free app. It is a free app and it's a wonderful app and... You know, I have a bit of passion about mindfulness because it's undoubtedly changed my life

48:44 I want to be clear with people. Again, very briefly the science and mindfulness is relatively new we're talking about a couple of decades of science as opposed to hundreds of years of science some studies are higher quality than others better sample size better methodologies etc those qualifiers aside there's a growing mountain of evidence that those who choose to practice mindfulness Let me give a quick definition before I continue for those who are like, what are these guys talking about? Mindfulness does not have to be spiritual. It certainly can be but it doesn't have to be. A lot of people define mindfulness as John Kabat-Zinn, for example. His definition goes something like, mindfulness is paying attention with as little judgment as possible to the present moment period

49:33 So mindfulness is just, let's focus completely on this moment right here. And when we find ourselves riding a train of thought or judging ourselves or anything like that, let's just come back to what's happening right here right now So, for those who are not familiar with mindfulness that's mindfulness. And another quick definition same way that you can get physical activity without working out but if you're working out you're definitely getting physical activity similar with mindfulness and meditation it's possible to be mindful without meditating if you're meditating you're basically doing a mindfulness workout yeah back to where I was

50:10 The science says that those who choose to meditate, those who choose to practice mindfulness this is not a quick fix. But those who choose to meditate enjoy better self-awareness, better self control higher quality of relationships more creativity Better physical health, multiple indicators of that. Inflammation blood pressure etc., better mental health less anxiety depression etc and ultimately more happiness and I swear that's a partial list of the benefits you get from mindfulness so it's a stressful world it's a distracting world to be completely transparent with everyone I run anxious I mean I worry...I'm like an Olympic level worrier

50:56 So, what mindfulness can do for people and especially people who run kinda high strung like me is to just be here now. And let's deal with this moment and not the past which is often sad for us if we're thinking about the past or living in the past. Not the future which is often anxiety producing – what's going to happen? I don't know! Let's deal with this moment right here right now The connection I want to make here is mindfulness, among other choices you make in your life can rewire your brain. So for those who are not familiar with neuroplasticity... Neuroplasticity used to be a hotly debated topic in science there is now sweeping consensus the human brain can rewire itself throughout our lifetimes and just to pause and let that sink in because I think it's nothing short of miraculous

51:55 Your brain can think thoughts that rewire your brain. If you practice mindfulness on a regular basis, you'll find yourself calmer more connected more creative etc. if you choose happiness on a regular basis You'll have a happier brain Let me make that more specific and concrete if I choose to practice gratitude On a regular basis I will have a more grateful brain in under a month if you do it intensely enough we can see

52:31 Brain Changes and an fMRI or other brain scan. We can see the structure of your brain change in under a month, which means that's just the way I am is a cop-out. That's the way you are so far. That's just the way he is now. And if we meditate and practice gratitude and reach out to our loved ones and connect with our kids, we will rewire our brains and enjoy the benefits of that better brain That is deeply, deeply powerful. And anybody can hear that and almost run wild with it if they let themselves right? Just pause for a second take take a deep breath. Let the air fill your lungs

53:26 Right, so if I could rewire my mind what would i want to rewire it to do? To be? To think? And that's where the adventure can start and I think going back to the top of our conversation when we're talking about being a kid. A kid can in a second create a magical world of fairies and dinosaurs in the lounge with little more than a stick and a pretty dress And what you've just shared there is the fact that we can do that as adults because our brain is a tool that has the capability of that. It can rewire itself. I think it's nothing short of incredible,

54:12 We, and again it is not this simple. We're having a fairly short podcast conversation I want to acknowledge life is hard right? It's hard to rewire your brain. It's hard to choose gratitude and mindfulness every single day and focus on fitness and family and fun. It's hard to choose that every single day right? Life throws us challenges And it is absolutely possible to choose to be a super dad, to choose to be happier, to choose to be more engaged at work. To choose to connect better with others we can decide who we want to be and no we don't radically transform our whole brains overnight but we can change who we are! We can rewire ourselves so who do you want to be?

55:03 Let's not be passive about life. Let's define our target, let's become the super dads we want to be! Yeah, totally. I've listened to... for anyone listening right the Super Dad moniker is not about something being superhuman and doing things that no one else can do it's about recognizing that we have busy lives that we have a lot to take on and that we can do it all with success We can be a Super Dad by just adopting some of these practices And over Christmas, I found it quite tough. This second lockdown has sort of just hit me in ways that I haven't really expected and as the internal chatter has kept saying negative things doing weird things like playing annoying pop songs over and over again, I've had to step in and take back control so...and I had a lady on the podcast the other day

55:55 And we were talking about mantras. So I've just, I've just put in a practice in place that when the chatter is running wild, I just say, I am wise. I am loved. I'm successful. And it's like, cause I don't, I can't control the internal chatter but I can slot that in place. It's like a virus antivirus kind of just run the anti-virus program. I am wise, I am loved and successful and sometimes i'm fucked up you know? I'm fit and healthy if im about to go out for a run so people can do that as well and I think thats a powerful way too For people to take small steps in this process that we're talking about, Insight Timer is an app. It's on Android it's on Google Play it's on Apple Store. It's just a 50% of the tool is free basically and more than that.

56:47 All of it's free. It's just that you can't rewind and save things or play it locally, but we've got a Team Super Dad group on the Insight Time actually. Oh cool! Well listen Jon, we're coming up to an hour which I like to keep this under the 60 minutes. We haven't even gotten into the whole science of happiness in work so... Listen, I'm already lining you back up to come on. This was perfect though because I think just coming, again time stamping the podcast but coming off the back of Christmas coming into January lockdown pandemic shocking scenes in the States this evening. Um, I think it's important that we've spoken a lot about what

57:34 All of us, men and women, mums and dads can do to be a bit more at peace. To be connected to our neighbours, to our children, to our partners and find some solace in ourselves that sadness is okay if If accepted in the right way rather than wallowing it and knowing that happiness is a doorway that is always open for us. If we, if we want to go and walk through it have a nose round or even create exactly as you want because our brain has the capacity to do that just beautiful.

1:00:36 Scott, thanks so much. If you've enjoyed this podcast then please share it! Leaving a review is great but in the essence of our conversation today please share it, share the love and I'll see you on the next Team Super Dad Podcast. Scott, real pleasure to meet you and hang out tonight thanks a lot. Thank you so much What a great conversation about happiness. Something seemingly so obviously part of our day-to-day life, but also something that people struggle with so much and as we you know I won't go over it all again but different books the times this come up for me is a subject the studies i've done into it at times in my life when I really wasn't that happy and wanted to make

1:01:24 A change there to transform that situation. I really, really hope that you got a lot out of that and can tap into your own happiness inside of Team Super Dad this is one of our core tenets in the one-on-one coaching i do with people in The Hero Academy and their courses foundation part of The Hero Academy Happiness! In fact runs right through it And as a dad when I think about my life and the tricky times And, you know the goals the ambitions all I really wanted was to be happy. To fall in love to have fun to spend time with my kids to grow old happily like the word happy just seems to fit into every sentence and we are really preoccupied a lot of the time with money and success and fashion cars music money like there's a lot of things that we get preoccupied with

1:02:22 Maybe we take happiness for granted, I don't know. Maybe we have it that it's something we've either got or haven't gotten and there isn't much we can do about it but todays conversation I hope really showed that happiness is a choice with tips and tricks with focus on the subject We can all create happiness for ourselves, for the people around us I really encourage you, if you got a lot from that to come on over to Team Super Dad and take a look at what we do inside of the Hero Academy. If you want to work one-on-one with me if you've got...if your struggling in this area then just reach out and if it's a short call then by all means dive into my diary and I'll gladly have that and we can also chat in that time about working further together on all of the offers from Team Super Dad

1:03:12 As always, if you've loved this podcast then please give us a like. Give us a share. Give us a review I'm always keen to get more reviews for the Team Super Dad Podcast and also more listeners numbers are growing it's tricky it's tricky but it's also a labor of love and I hope you're getting as much out of it as I am let me know if you've heard any other people on other podcasts that you think would be a great guest for team super dad and if you got any feedback either I enjoy these conversations but I also want to make Team Super Dad podcasts as fun as possible. And the wrap up, if you haven't listened to that, the wrap-up with Glenn and other dads that are going be coming on and building out that team then I hope

1:03:55 I guess balance out the slightly serious, more serious conversations with the benign fun and piss-taking of each other on the wrap up. A group of dads hanging out celebrating the end their week Thanks again! I'll see you in the next podcast Remember to subscribe so you don't miss out I'll see ya next time Team Super Dad Out This has been Team Super Dad. Find us at teamsuperdad.com Join the program and create the best life ever for you and your children You are not alone! You're on Team Super Dad