Talking Powerfully To Your Wife, Kids Or Ex with Tracy Poizner

00:00 In this episode of the Team Superdad podcast, we talk about how to talk about your ex to your kids and how to talk to your ex without it being a fight or loss of your dad power. Whoa! That's a lot of talking It's an awesome conversation for dads in a relationship or out. Roll theme Welcome to Team Superdad. Real dads creating their best lives ever! More time, more money, more fun You are not alone you're on team super dad Hey super dads

00:37 Good to have you here. If you've been with us for a while then of course great to see you back and if you're new To the podcast then brilliant, how did you find us? We are Dad's. Dad's creating our best lives ever we work on the principles The F5 of focus fitness finance family and fun And we are equipping dads It's Seriously, is there any men who just expect their shirts to be ironed anymore? I hope not. But and if you can't iron then bloody learn right or or is it a quid pro quo does she iron your shirts and you do what did all of you do clean the bathroom? No, I don't know but anyway that's some idea of what we believe in what we get up

01:30 It's been an awesome week here as I launch the Focused and Happy Dad Challenge. It's still happening. So if you want to come over and join that then go to teamsuperdad.com forward slash happy dad, we will be absolutely thrilled to have you on board it's totally free it's a free challenge of course that's an introduction to the other work it's really a great course great set of live streams is nothing more than a kickstart really but a really powerful way to check in on your habits and routines Reveal your superpowers. Set some goals and ambitions, and basically communicate better with the people you love and have more fun in your life which is everything we're up to! So today's chat...today's conversation Tracy Poizner You're going to hear all about her when we get started but a coach from Canada who works with blended families stepmoms and dads who are divorced now with someone new so how they

02:31 The The Coming out the other side when you play the long game, when you get really connected to who you are and what life's about for You. When you stand your ground and feel powerful in In...in..in you like in getting to know yourself again and loving life then really it's It's the future you desire is everything that I speak about and Tracy's got such a lovely presence To her so calm and it's a good conversation right as always it's the same kind of length

03:39 That's because it's a lot to get through, a lot to understand and piece together. So stick with us till the end I'd love to see you on the other side of this conversation with Tracy Poizner. Undeletable dads! Let's go Welcome to the Team Superdab podcast. As you can see, we have with us Tracy Poizner who up until two seconds ago was dancing to the theme song. I totally love your themes. That's good! I'm just editing at the moment basically. I am going to make that voice a bit more British before

04:20 The Jonnie Jensen Show. And obviously you're not from the British Islands, you are over in Canada. I'm from the Commonwealth and I am from Canada! Yeah... Canada oh Canada! Are you actually sort of East Coast Quebec type? No middle, I'm a little bit west of Toronto so this is more or less central Canada Okay okay

04:59 Well, before we jabber-jabber we're going to get on with the introductions. I was introduced to Tracy after being on the Nacho Kids podcast with Laurie Sims which if you If you are into or you are part of a blended family, step-mom and step dad then be sure to check out the Nacho Kids podcast. But also that's how Tracy and I got introduced to each other because Tracy works with stepmoms and she is also creating very nice set of content and support for dads as well for stepdads or dads who have separated... Not stepdads! Oh not stepdads okay sorry but dads who have separated

05:40 Good. Tracy, why don't I leave your introduction to you? Have I missed anything else? Tell us about yourself. No, I don't work with stepdads actually and that's a funny little thing because most people make that same mistake which works with stepmoms and stepdads. All the people in the same household, the stepmoms and men who they're married to. Yeah okay. It's a very very very different vibe what happens in the other household and I don't know anything about it because I mean I am a mom

06:20 And my husband is also a stepdad to my daughter, I suppose. But we never lived together while she was still you know, a kid in the household? Yeah! And my divorce was relatively amicable and we certainly never had any kind of difficulties Co-parenting, I mean i essentially did everything and he was there and we had a you know she visited him often whatever but no drama there was no drama there. I have no personal experience in solving the problems that happen in that dynamic with biological mom and stepdad in the family that that was like

07:00 That was dead easy for me. The issues were in my second marriage with my husband who has three kids and so like I'm the stepmom of them, and it's been a great deal to get to where we are now like almost 15 years later. We've been through All of the possible things that can go wrong literally and my background is in natural health. I'm a homeopath actually, okay? I've been doing that for over 20 years and I have had like 25 years until the present moment of training in

07:44 human psychology and child development and family dynamics. All of that is extremely important to the work that I do as a homeopath, so i had an incredible wealth of knowledge to draw on at you know to help in my own circumstances yeah And at a certain moment I thought God what do people who don't understand what's happening because they don't have a bigger context for this like What do they do where did i start i mean nevermind all the remedies that have for helping people through emotional turmoil whatever so. I initially got into working with a step moms like almost four years ago now in an online i made of facebook group and i know,

08:34 And over that time it slowly became obvious to me that a lot of the problems these women were having, were really problems that belong to the dad in a really fundamental way. These are his children and the conflicts they're having around parenting and around loyalty conflict and parental alienation Those things belong to him and I could explain to the partner of that dad, i could explain what's happening and how she can think about it in a better way. And how she can take care of herself through all this turmoil but really that is like twisting in the wind here. You know he doesn't know what to do so i've really

09:21 narrowed down the focus of my work to help dads who are stuck in post-divorce conflict and they just don't know how to parent in that environment. And nobody can blame them because there's really nothing about regular parenting that applies until you've sorted some things out, you know? They're scared of losing their kids as you said that's on the table all the time And, you know they've sort of been knocked off their dad pedestal in a way because very often mom is undermining the exes undermining their parenting. And they're also so disrespected by society in general as single dads. You know I while ago I did a piece and an interview about the four archetypes as I see them that the single mom

10:19 The divorce, the single dad, the step mom and the step dad. So this single mom is basically a saint in society and a single mom is a saintly person doing her best. She works so hard she's managed to look at what she has done. And the single dad, the divorced dad is basically a deadbeat unless he proves otherwise you know? And the stepmom is also at a tremendous disadvantage because she is the Jezebel who split up this family. It doesn't matter if she met the guy five years later, yeah? She has forever considered potentially the woman who broke up with her family and caused this deadbeat to leave his perfectly nice wife and the stepdad is a kind of hero

11:04 who walks in and helps saintly single mother, you know she he's going to raise someone else's child because deadbeat has walked away from the family. So those are archetypes that we live with and you basically have to prove that you're not that awful person. Yeah! And it's crazy how that is pretty much perpetuated around the world like it crosses cultural boundaries And I guess, you know historically if you were going to go down a historical kind of cliched sort of women's stay at home and it's not even cliche this is real isn't it? Women stay at home work clean cook make babies that is their responsibility and job. And then there certainly men have played their part in this story over the years

11:59 Getting drunk in the pub and coming home and expecting dinner and sex, you know. And not lifting a finger to help around anywhere. You know post-war into 70s 80s TV probably changing the way that families looked The rise of equality and women's rights, and basically obvious things like I've got a daughter. I don't ever want her to experience not being able to have something do something or be something because she is a woman but it has kind of swung so far the other way now that boys are growing up with no idea what they're allowed to say, do and if you... And blind me dare get it wrong your

12:47 You're the teenage boy who's a sex pest or something like that. And I do get, you know girls...I had this conversation awhile back about girls getting their skirts lifted up and things like that and you know okay so there's so much to this but as you said in terms of media and movie portrayal and all those kind of things the men get a rough deal in this kind of post-breakup I've gotten so much fulfillment really from working with dads about this and i think that part of what I'm offering, that is not... That I don't hear being talked about in the public discourse anyway. Is that dads are actually at a certain advantage In terms of the normal development of kids

13:48 You know, after this kind of breakup because I talk about the mother function and the father function. And I really want it understood that I'm not necessarily talking about men and women but because in reality both parents are fulfilling both functions but the mother function is more about the nurture of the family and the close home life and the hearth you know The the nuclear family and you know bringing the child into safety and security in this cocooned environment. And dad is really about leading the kids out into the broader world, and issues of

14:35 Charisma and competition and achievement. And courage, you know? Those are things that belong to the father function. And once again, mother and father both do those things but in general kids have an inner directive to be more connected to their dad as they go along, as they come closer to adulthood And in our society, you know we're talking about like until 25 right? Like kids are not really... lots of kids are still at home and not fully fledged adults until they're in their mid-20s. So dad has an opportunity to become a more influential person in his kid's lives as they go along but he needs to play it smart because uh he needs to get back up on that pedestal

15:30 Find a new way to become a leader for his kids and not, you know the authoritarian figure who they're gonna reject or who mom is going to complain about. Or mom is gonna undermine that parenting and who probably frankly they don't even really want parent that way but the other side of the pendulum if you will is the total pushover who can't hold any solid limits for his kids because they're gonna just say You know what? I don't accept that. That's not the answer I wanted and i'm going back to moms, and I don't want to come here anymore

16:09 Which is ultimately what the dad absolutely fears. So he's going to avoid doing those things. Great, so we've set that up because it's a perfect setup for this whole conversation right? If anyone's listening of course they're gonna be listening on the podcast thank you! People are watching on the live stream please share this tag people in We've got the comments live on the livestream if you want anything to say we can see that coming in and Tracy and I can cover those comments or questions off If you're watching on the replay, then give us a hashtag Replay that will spin this around to other people. And if you're listening on the podcast and please like and review us share this around. And Tracy I like to do this increasingly if people are interested in everything you've got to say but rather than leave this till the end I know you've got a great e-book about The Five Love Languages for Kids

17:01 And you've got another ebook in support of dads going through this situation. Let's tell people where they can get those things right up front so that we give them maximum value as well? Sure, I do have a Facebook group for dads called One For The Dads So you just have to go to Facebook and search on one for the dads and make a join request and You can get A website page I have through bit.ly slash undeletable dad that's bit dot ly slash undeletable dad that will point you to the link to the face, the link of the Facebook group is actually on that. Okay great yeah is it? I know it's on there because that's how I got there but

17:48 I have to be clear about the love languages is totally not my thing, right? That's a very famous book by Gary Chapman. But I've just explored how to use that concept those five love languages as part of a larger concept that I work with it's something that i've created called restorative parenting Let's say nonverbal communication to restore these ties and bonds that dad should be able to have with his kids.

18:28 And I love that book. Absolutely, I love the adult one and I love the kids one and it's a great sort of accompanying guide you put together there to help people who've read The Five Love Languages be like oh that's how i can apply that with my kids so that's a great thing to do as well. Brilliant! Well listen I'll put We've got the break up first.

19:16 Right, so let's we're gonna I think it would be a good idea. We can talk about the breakup and look before any dads that are still happily in their relationship turn off please don't because Because I have learned so much in my break up and the recovering from that breakup I've said I've learned so much about How I could have been a better husband. How I could have let things go, how I could've even in practical terms how I could've appreciated time better and said yes more often to my kids requests because when you're broken up suddenly at the very best you got half the possible time with your kids right? So if your still in relationship then great but my commitment to dads is that they make their relationships as healthy as possible

20:03 Like living the life they desire, not a life they feel stuck in and exiting a relationship well if it's really not working out. Well in a way that both people feel respected and supported and that you can create an effective co-parenting arrangement afterwards so yes anyone whether we're in a relationship or not in a relationship Please hang in there because this is going to be a great conversation. So Tracy, we're gonna talk about the breakup first and the kind of struggle and what goes on for dads in that part there I read on your landing page stuff about

20:41 How we take some of the flame and the fire and the conflict out of those early times, which is something I can very much relate to. And then obviously then in the context of everything you've just said, We're kind of going to wander into the situation where we're creating a new relationship when suddenly we've got step mom that's nice to be in that relationship but how are we gonna have our kids The Breakup Leaves Men

21:22 I mean, obviously people break up for all sorts of reasons. Right? But most breakups don't happen overnight. There's been some sort of slow degeneration of the relationship so men are left and no doubt women are as well right but men are left pretty hollow as a result of it even affairs unless someone is a real player most men have an affair because they're upset about how their marriage is going on They didn't intend to have an affair or upset someone in my experience So men are left pretty broken and then rejected and angry, which is no way to go into a resolution conversation. What do you say to them? How do you try and calm men down at that sort of time? How how do you help them become more peaceful and effective in that time? Well I think it's

22:23 And you can ask that in any way you want. You can spin the question however way you want to. It's probably the same answer as what I tell them later on, which is focusing on yourself and excuse me! And it's really easy to like displace your grief or your shame about... That's something that Really come into from talking with dads for my podcast is the incredible shame and embarrassment that so many guys feel about having failed at this family project, having failed at a marriage. It doesn't even matter if who decided to leave like the project was a failure and

23:10 They are acutely aware of how other people see them and of having, you know as one guy who I interviewed said like this happened three or four years after the marriage that I invited you to. Like I invited all these people to my marriage and they bought into it with me and they got us marriage presents and accepted her into their circles It didn't work out and I had to go to them and tell them that like, you know they believed in me. And i didn't deliver and that's really hard You know? I think a lot of guys have a lot of pride in who they are so they should This is a really profoundly wounding event So it's really important too To focus inward Not to beat yourself up but

24:09 To work through those feelings and not to just be angry, and to project everything outward. And to say like I'm so angry maybe I'm angry at myself but i'm going to be angry at her or I'm gonna be angry at her family or friends. I'm gonna be angry at the court system you know? I would tell them to do whatever they can Try to stay focused on their desired outcome. Like what is it that you want? You know, you want mostly they really want to protect their relationship with their kids. That's the thing that so important which is also why The X has such an opportunity to wound him in that exact spot because she doesn't care about the other stuff he doesn't care about she also wants to hurt him and uh...that's-that's the place

25:03 That is so wounding, you know. So I would just say to remember that the way I look at it...I don't think either parent has necessarily legal rights. I mean you do have rights of course but like according to the universe You don't have rights with respect to your kids Your children have rights with respect to you So your children have a right to be in relationship with both of their parents. That is their birthright and you are an advocate for your children's rights, You're not advocating for your own right as a father To have X amount of time with your children or whatever like that's where you get into fighting with kids as if they were chattel And they're not! You are just Advocating for what is in the best interest of your kids and not for your own

26:00 You know to vindicate yourself in some way or to you know, uphold your own rights as a father because that's so weird slippery concept for me. Yeah totally and I think people can access that through language um you get legal advice or you get support from friends who've been through it before and say, oh well don't always talk about our children. Always talk about what's in the childrens' interests or what works for the children and when you first hear that you can be like, wow! You even react to that? And that's where... That's an access for men to realize Oh blimey okay I'm still really angry about that

26:44 And When we can start to see that, okay so what can I be responsible for here first of all? Because we can all take some responsibility. That can take the flame and heat out of a situation and then trying to change things that aren't in our control only causes resistance from people So what about the fear

27:25 You know, you've mentioned there the fear that men have in those moments. That fear feels quite real and if you're in a legal situation it can actually be quite real. How can they detach themselves like because they want their actions to be placid and forthright and kind of decent but at the same time they're frightened and are ready to defend? How can those two things work together Well, I think that you're right. You sort of said they're frightened and they want to defend and the gesture is a kind of fighting one, right? It's a reflex action, I think, to fight, to protect your kids. And I think that it's important to turn it around and to protect your kids

28:22 through the integrity of who you are and to understand that they are going to be attracted. To that energy of integrity, they will be it just works every time and we have to get away from them like cause-and-effect model of saying or you know like that every action has the consequence and I need to, you can't micromanage the consequences of every little thing. You have to be ready to stand in your place and know that this is a journey that you're on and there's no way that you can lose your kids if you focus on

29:14 you know increasing your own self worth and increasing integrity like it's just a very attractive thing and they your kids are still in your orbit you know there in the orbit and they're going to be attracted like gravity do you. They just will be so the more you can stand in your integrity, And, you know that's whatever we call that taking the high road or doing the right thing. And I'm not saying giving in and being a pushover because that's not the right solution but just demonstrating You know the depth of who you are getting in touch with that That's something that we work on is working on like who am I anyway? What's really important to me what are the most important

30:09 values or concepts that I live by, who would I...I'm not that anymore if i can't access that and what do I want to transmit to my children? What is my job as a father? What do I feel that I've done my job if they come away from childhood and adolescence with this. And it's just resolves so much of it. And I can hear inside of that some dads going, yeah well you don't understand. I haven't seen my kids for two years she's a horrible person and it's a complete absolute effing nightmare and you know i like to see that people can detach those two things

30:53 You can carry on being dad, whether that means writing a diary or emailing them once a day into an account that they're going to get when they're 16. Or putting in a bit of money into something... That's it! Buying presents that just sit there you know? Exactly, you've got it exactly. You carry on being a dad and do all those things And you send registered mail packages To where they live Let's say details or photograph of what's inside that they are gonna get this stuff eventually you don't know how many stories I have of You know Guys who haven't, you know had any word from their kids in five years seven years whatever and clearly I don't wish for it to take that long. But the point is that it happens a friend of mine locally here has heard from her son about

31:49 for the first time in 10 years. There was not a word for 10 years and they've just got back together, and like it's a wretched ride I'm not going to say that you're just supposed to sit back and say this is okay You need a ton of support to keep yourself um...going! To keep mentally resilient through that It's very difficult but these things do resolve The kids get older They get out of the grip of that parent who has done that to them And then typically they want a closer relationship with the parent that they haven't seen for a long time. Yeah and you know people's my situation right Mike I'm not gonna speak about my ex particularly not in any bad ways but we didn't agree about the time that we were going to have with our children and all i've wanted was like well, I just wanna share the kids like if I can't be there 100% of the time or 50% at the time

32:47 reason why that can't be the case. Now for some people, there might be a just reason if they live 200 miles away it's going to be very difficult for you to have them on a school night so dads need to whoever the parent is in that way needs to stay calm and see where they can make it work. And you can make it work because you can learn how to maximize your influence and your impact in a minimum of time. Yeah, and there are lots of... you know that's a strategy for giving your kids what you want them to get from you it's a strategy of how you know collection of tools and techniques that will maximize your influence on them in this minimum time and then you're getting what you want which is to have this effect as a parent

33:46 And the kids are being much less caught in a struggle of In a struggle between the parents of how to divide the time. And sometimes even in a struggle of just making it work, this back and forth and half-the-time stuff you know? It's very hard on them! Yeah so here we go sort of shifting gears a little bit what can you say about the kind of language that dads can use... Sorry my problem You know, in terms of talking about the other parent and you know what I know the answer to this right but i'm curious to hear it. To have your voice on on the subject for dads listening In talking about that other parent how can they catch themselves so that they speak respectfully and in a way that the children don't feel like

34:44 What happened to be made to take sides or something like that well firstly with awareness obviously you have to be aware of your own. Thoughts and feelings that are gonna drive your actions you have to be responsible for kind of cleaning that up you have to be aware that When you're talking to your child about their mother, you are talking to 50% of your child. You have to remember that every cell of your child has half of mom in them and whatever image they have of their mother is forming part of their self-image and so when if you put it the other way around and mom is saying to her little boy

35:32 God you're just like your father. That drives me crazy, I hate when he does that and i don't like it in you either." He doesn't feel only bad for his dad that's like you're talking about me! Of course I'm like my father, I am proud to be like my father and now I can't because you don't like that. And the same is true of The qualities or the way of thinking, or the facial expressions of mom are part of who that child is. They have to feel proud of that otherwise how can you walk around hating yourself and lots of people do right? Lots of kids have divorced walk around hating themselves because they are never 100% okay wherever they're standing 50 percent of them is bad right yeah

36:24 That is so powerful, Tracy that everybody needs to really just hear that. Is that when you bad mouth your ex you are directly causing your child to question their own existence, their own being, their own personality? Yeah yeah and then you just have to think of it in in the reverse like that if mom was subliminally saying oh I don't know Oh, are you going to start playing chess now? Are you sure you want to do that because I don't really feel like that's a good idea. And he knows that chess is a big deal for dad and it's something that he wants to do it because dad is an expert chess player and he admires that about him. Mom is secretly saying

37:19 Can't you do something better with your time? Go out and play with your friends. But, you know she's like undermining something about the child that makes him feel good about himself. Yeah And also you don't want to do that to your child. You don't want them to feel bad about themselves and so this is a real moment of personal growth for a dad or mom to say I have to become aware of how i am unconsciously guiding my child away from things that remind me, you know from growing in a way where i see the other parent blossoming and then i'm trying to squash that or actually just telling them out loud don't say stuff like that. You remind me if your dad or your mom

38:08 Like your mom is feeding you lies. None of this is true, I pay her child support every month and don't know why she tells you that I'm not paying it doesn't serve the child even to know that my mother is lying to me That's not a kindness because the child isn't ready hear those things they depend on this other parent for their life like it's not like the kid lives at your house all the time and never have to see that woman I have to go back and live with her. And now they have the impression that she could be lying to me about anything i'm not safe there if my mother is a liar thank you tracy, thankyou, i'll say thankyou because

38:55 I work hard not to say anything disparaging about their mum. And but, I can see in what you're saying even sometimes that yeah well but The I got another layer of this recently, another aspect of this recently talking with David Sims who's the husband of Laurie. Who you... Yeah? I guess they were probably both on the podcast eh when you... He wasn't available actually. Oh okay. Because he's delightful. I like both of them so much but anyway he came on my podcast and talked about his experience which is they have an amazing story

39:58 about their step family. So he was alone, I think his wife left the marriage and left him with three boys aged eight and nine because they have triplets who were eight years old and a nine-year-old it's really hard to imagine but so i think the mom in the beginning days was not very involved and she would take them for one day every other weekend or something like that it was very limited visiting And so the kids of course had, you know very mixed feelings about going to see their mom. They really wanted to see her but it was also kind of a weird situation because she was never around and they were little, eight and nine years old and he wanted to send them off with this kind of blanket of good feeling. So as he was driving them over there he would be saying I love you guys so much! I'm really gonna miss you while you're gone. I can't wait for you to come back

40:59 And he realized later that, that was probably not you know he was doing it from the best of intentions but it was probably not at all helpful to leave his kids with the idea that he was not okay in some way while they were gone. Yes, I heard what you're saying a moment ago? Yeah yeah so he said I know now wouldn't do that again even though like my feeling was i want them to know as they go to their mom how much I love them but you know that's where we're sometimes we just coming from such a loving place but it still

41:39 in some way you're undermining their experience of being with their mom because there's something in the back of their head saying, you know dad is missing us. Yes he can't wait for us to come back He's on his own we should be there with him We are leaving him to go there It's like it's confusing and a kid might yeah And just before we get into the blended family stuff Is there anything you can share on defusing some of the conflict that happens between a dad and his separated or estranged wife. I think it's really important to put boundaries around it, and that can be done in a variety of ways but one really good way is to use co-parenting like a third party app

42:24 And there are quite a few of those co-parently, app close. Our Family Wizard, Talking Parents... Those are all names of apps that serve this exact purpose where all the communication between the parents goes through the app and they have other tools like scheduling and finances whatever that doesn't matter but the communication needs to be civil and polite and limited And very often it gets into shouting matches on the phone or like 50 text messages in an hour. That stops when one person stops participating in it, so you have to just say I can just step away from that way of being

43:17 And offer, this is the platform that I'm willing to continue this conversation on. And you don't answer any other kinds of communication One of them, I think our Family Wizard even has a function where it will review your message and flag it for... It says stop! Stop. Yeah. It just flashes at you and says this is way too long. No don't send that. Stop what you're writing. Step away from the phone go and have a cup of tea. So um it flags your language so that

43:53 It makes it more polite or more, you know... whatever. Conducive to arrangements so I think that's it like you don't like you I mean really not having any kind of inflammatory conversations in front of the kids because that's just so toxic and somebody just has to say I won't entertain that and it can feel really let's say emasculating to walk away from That kind of argument where someone is shouting at you. Oh, there you go again just running away from your problems, you know? Yeah so emasculating for people who are not quite sure that's like losing all your male power in the situation yeah but it's one

44:44 Like this is part of the new territory that sometimes dads, it's sometimes it's new for them to experience this idea that you have to let go of your habitual way of being in conflict. To get the goal that you want which is like that your kids are healthy, that they respect you, that they want to be around you. Yeah totally and that for dadsies and mums Stop looking at everything day by day and start to look at the longer picture. And particularly once you've been separated for a while, you become much more comfortable with the long game rather than the pain of it. That's right that's why I walk dads through a process in my coaching program to really dig deep inside and talk about

45:40 Find the couple of things that are most important to you, that you can focus on so that we can make some goals. You know? That we can make goals that are related to your important values not someone else's but what is important to you and once you know those goals of your parenting goals or what you want for your children, what do you want for yourself too Then we build a strategy of how to achieve that. And then we know which tools fit into that strategy because there are thousands of parenting tools and they don't all apply in all situations, and I think that's where a lot of parents both moms and dads get into trouble is just sort of grabbing things off the shelf or throwing darts at you know at a problem with a different kind of solution each time

46:35 Sometimes they work and sometimes they don't, but there's no clear strategy of parenting where you say this is what I do when this happens. And it gets me this result and i want that result because that's aligned with something very important about me. It also helps in the classic job of parenting which is picking your battles right? You can't So, on that point there you just mentioned Dad's got his own

47:31 Why family values his own idea about respect tying your shoelaces up washing your hands How you sit at the table what you say on the flight? He's got his own ideas, right and then No surprise if you separated. You probably don't agree on half of these things How can a dad Feel like he's still honoring his values whilst leaving space for the mother's values as well I would say that he doesn't have to He doesn't have to leave space for them. Yeah, he has to just respect that it's okay that it's different at his house than it is at her house and kids are so

48:19 It's so much easier for kids to grasp that than the parents. It's the parents who struggle with that. Totally, totally! The kids get it you just say... The reason is that I'm your dad and we do things this way here Yeah And when you're at your mom's house You'll do it that way over there They already know that the rules are different on the playground then they are inside the classroom They know the rules are different in church then at my grandmother's house The rules are different everywhere and kids Kids are totally open to that concept. They just need clarity Kids just need clarity. Adults don't give kids half the flipping respect they deserve because kids are like, oh what? Half there and half here okay that's fine yeah okay. Yeah they just get it! Not all worry that we've got about it yeah. And I mean I'll just tread quickly on the blended family thing but lots of stepmoms ask me like how can we make it fair because my kids who live here with us all the time have their

49:18 This rule ABC and then the step kids come over and they have some other more permissive situation. Yeah, and then my kids get upset because his kids are allowed to stay up until 11 o'clock and watch TV and my kids have to go to bed I said you just say I'm your mom. I make the rules. I'm not I'm not a mom of them They have another mom. I don't agree with it, but I can't fix how she's making her rules and dad isn't in a position to argue because they're coming here to stay and he can't change the rules for them. You can make up whatever you want but they get it. The kids get it. It's not hard for them

49:58 Yeah, totally. And that is about being upfront isn't it? It's about this on the one hand you said earlier you know be responsible for the things that we say but on the other hand um is beef be free and open with with with the explanation of things because Clarity is a much easier place to be. When there's no kind of confusion, it's actually much less stressful for a child than confusion. Oh absolutely! And I tell people all the time how important it is to repeat, repeat, repeat like what's happening next? You know like to lay out for kids

50:42 Especially when they're going back and forth. I think there's no way to understand how disruptive that is in your life, and it's like we turn them upside down you know that snow globe thing that has the flakes and people inside? They're just like this kind of swirling around all the time and we take for granted The kids are coming Friday night and Saturday morning we'll have breakfast, then we're going skating. And then we have a play date with whatever and then you know Saturday night supper is at the restaurant or my sister's and they don't even know what day of the week it is or how long am I staying? Like how long is a weekend? Remember how long this summer felt when you were like

51:27 So just continuously saying tomorrow here's what's going to happen or in the morning, here is what on for today. Or in the afternoon saying and remember tonight we're going to whatever it's very calming yes have that kind of That kind of like reiteration of the schedule and how long is it till I go back to mom's or when i'm leaving, how long until I come back again. And like routine and finding routines that kids are comfortable with. A friend of mine, ex-ex girlfriend actually she worked at Nickelodeon and one of her friends was a boss I've now become friends with him as well and i said to him one day why do you put on reruns of SpongeBob all the time? He said kids love the familiarity of the repeats they feel very safe to know that

52:28 And they couldn't tell you that they'd seen it a hundred times before. They just, they're just comfortable with the fact that they kind of know what's happening and we should aim to create that in our homes. Yeah yeah We're all about like novelty and we want there to be a surprise and something new all the time and then that's really... You can do that in very small parameters but mostly they want it to be the same all the time Have dinner, sit on the couch. In a fun way obviously not the same rigid thing all over again. No no of course. Tracy you're back you froze for a second there. Yeah in a fun way yeah that's fine but not really a rigid routine where kids are like they're static they can't even move. But I know that from myself we get

53:24 We watched all of Modern Family, then we watched The Middle. So we have our TV slot basically where it's just and then they're begging me can we just watch one more? Can we just watch one more? But equally that's cuddle time on the couch its wind down before bed you know its a positive thing. Okay brilliant well listen as we get towards the end of this what's... You work with dads who are going through this tricky time I know for myself that there was a bit early on which was really painful and scary in it.

54:04 Oh, my gosh. Like like like my world was caving in and then there's a bit in the middle because I work with dads in this respect as well is a bit in the middle where they're just starting to rebuild their life and they go oh, I don't know. I'm not sure I can cook the kids favorite dinners or I don't know what curtains to buy or I don't know what am I going to when the kids aren't here? And then it becomes like stage three where now actually they quite enjoy their own time when they're on their own and they love when that the kids are there How do you help dads transition through those three stages or what can you say to encourage dads about that? That's an interesting, I hadn't thought about that question before about transitioning but like most of the guys that i'm working with are already in a new relationship. Oh okay of course yeah yeah So they've already come through those parts really

55:02 Jump to that, Tracy. Jump to that. A dad's in a... this is the perfect way to end up part one of our session here. Okay! A dad has made the jump he's now decided he's in it he's in a serious relationship And he's thinking about moving in with the girlfriend. How does he approach that? So this is how we're going to end today's session, right? How does he approach that subject with the kid because he's gonna be stressing about it, right? Are they gonna say are they gonna kick off or are they gonna agree? Or are they gonna cry? They're gonna run off...How can he peacefully in his own mind have that conversation effectively with his children

55:42 Well, I think he's already hopefully paved the way with introducing her in a good way. And like the basic concept is that this new partner... Just the way I talked about archetypes before with the single mom and dad and the stepmom and dad, um, the archetype of this stepmother Is someone who is in the way of your relationship with your dad as a child from the child's perspective this new partner is someone who is standing between you and your dad energetically speaking I love to work with these kind of energetic images or visuals she standing in between. You and your full relationship between you and getting everything that you want from your dad so,

56:35 She needs to go about intentionally demonstrating that that is not true. That she is there to support your perfect relationship with your dad, she's going to make it even better than it would have been if she wasn't there because she's an extra pair of hands who can do a lot of things while Dad can be all about you especially if there's more than one child right? It really helps a lot now each of you get to have time alone with dad because there's another adult Yeah, okay. To occupy the other kids or whatever so there are a lot of important purposeful things that that new partner can be doing along the way to take the fire out of that feeling on the part of the child that this is a catastrophe you know? That my dad is with someone new and that's a terrible thing and I think it's also really important for the dad

57:38 How should i say to feel good about his responsibility to model what it is to be a good husband. He wants his kids to observe him in that role because they're both going to take their, however many right? The boys and the girls are gonna go out into the world and either be that kind of husband or look for that kind of husband. And they need to see that. They need to see him in a functional healthy happy loving marriage relationship To complete their transformation, their transition As adults, it's part of what you want to give to your kids as a gift for...you know..as they go out into the world. And so you have to negotiate that with them. They might…your kids might still not be 100% happy about this situation but you can talk to them in that way and say

58:42 That you know that this is something I want for you. I want you to see this part of me, that otherwise you don't get to see this part of me and i want you to know all of who I am. Yeah okay yeah so you're sharing not just the situation but your sharing Your how you're gonna grow and sharing your values in that moment your share your painting a picture for them where they can feel emotionally connected to what's going on inside you rather than just giving them the circumstances. Yeah I think that's, that's how i would I'm

59:46 Yeah, we're moving in and it's going to be great. The kids just go... They mostly want to know what is this gonna mean for me? Right? And I think there's also a kind of default image of like everything is going to change now and in fairness very often the bio mom is taking advantage of this moment to reinforce that negative impression and to really press on the kids that, oh your dad's getting remarried. He's not going to have any time for you now he's all about... You know? He's in a new relationship and that's where his focus is and he's not gonna have time to be with you now they it happens very often that that's the moment when more alienation ramps up or the conflict ramps up

1:00:34 It ramps up when you get engaged. It ramps up when you get married or move in together, it ramps up big time when you have another child... It ramps up when her new relationship falls apart that she had a lot of hopes pinned on maybe? You know, a new person that she was living with or romantically involved with That falls apart. That's another window of opportunity for this monster to come to life and sort of pull apart the dad's relationship with his kids or a lot of external circumstances that you can't control, but as you said before it's all about focusing on yourself and what you can change and that's enough! It is enough

1:01:27 Yeah, because that gives our children that foundation. They can look at it and say well dad's solid everything is cool with dad we're okay when we are with Dad we are okay yeah perfect Well when we do the part two we will get into that whole challenges of moving in and how people react and the stresses that puts on relationships Because I mean i was a stepchild, I was a stepparent I know in one of your podcasts, I listened to you said you don't really like people talking about it as a step parent step child. Um, I never really called my mum my step mom. I don't think I ever really called her my mum either basically but um i think uh a better way of saying that is is that I never I never spoke about my stepson as my stepson he doesn't talk to me anymore so I don't really I don't I don't really have any way of explaining who he is now

1:02:20 The Jonnie Jensen Show Yeah, all complicated things. And blimey I think the final thing I want to say on this subject is dads be gracious with yourselves. Don't expect this to be easy and allow it to be tricky and messy without getting too upset about oh my gosh it's going wrong like if you take something out of the oven its gonna be hot Like it's just is. And being a step parent, balancing a blended family dealing with an ex partner is not always going to be easy and that's OK. Yeah yeah perfect. So Tracy your website again just briefly on Facebook Essential Step Mum on Facebook we've got the Undeletable Dad book link which is shared in the comments

1:03:26 And the Facebook group is called, again... One for the Dads. Good! I've sent you a Someone just accepted me in anyway this afternoon. So we're in there as well, so yeah there's so many dad groups now I should have started mine back in 2016 when I first had the idea but it's like barbers isn't? You know those flipping hairdressers on every street Exactly! We'll never run out of dads Yeah and and the most important thing is that we all get knowledgeable wise on these subjects so that we can be the best dad we can possibly be And the best partner we could possibly be Great Brilliant

1:04:04 Tracy, thank you so much. This was a pleasure. Thank you for inviting me. Oh, you're welcome Hey dads! What did you think of that? Huh? What did you think of that it's I tried to break it into pieces that we could really understand and that We could really work through Like I said team super dad is not just the single dads but the reality is that 50% of us at least have seemingly gone through this so I'm going to be talking about the most important things you need to know before you start a podcast.

1:05:03 The Fun look at being a dad, celebrating the end of our week. If I do say so myself it is hilarious and uh and i really appreciate all the feedback we get about both those ones and the more serious ones. Dads! I love you. We're on a mission. We really are having it all in our life. More time, more fun, more money and being the best we can be for the people that matter to us most. Subscribe share this and I'll see you next time Team Superdad out bye

1:05:54 This has been Team Superdad. Find us at teamsuperdad.com Join the program and create the best life ever for you and your children You are not alone! You're on Team Superdad