Nick Forgham #4 - entrepreneur, 5th dan karate expert, leadership motivator and Dad

00:00 On today's Team Superdab podcast I speak to Nick Forgham, 5th Dan Black Belt in Karate. Author of Black Belt Thinking and the creator of the Black Belt Confidence Programme It's a cracker! Roll theme... Welcome to Team Superdad. Real dads creating their best lives ever, more time more money more fun you are not alone your on team super dad hey welcome to the team super dad podcast on today's episode it's another interview and this Dad is a black belt so you don't want to mess with Nick in

00:47 And I don't know, a classic bar brawl or something like that. Or wherever you might do your fighting but Nick has a rich and varied career he's been married twice he's got stepchildren he's got his own children He's been successful in pretty much all of his adventures and ventures It really is a great story not just about his life but as a role model in the community A husband, a dad and and a teacher. A karate teacher! If you are a single dad and you're listening to this for the first time then welcome to the Team Superdad community and podcast This is also the home of The Rebuild Programme Dads coming out of divorce separation or loss often find themselves really wondering exactly what the hell they can do to put their life back on track

01:37 It's not the end, it's just the start of a great future. We have a Facebook community over on Facebook called Team Superdad. Not surprisingly that's facebook.com forward slash groups forward slash team super dad if you want to chat to me about The Jonnie Jensen Show, Jonnie Jensen, Nick Forgham, Black Belt Confidence, Black Belt The Jonnie Jensen Show, Jonnie Jensen, Nick Forgham, Black Belt Confidence.

02:36 Coaching Inner Circle Group with expert coaches in the five, in the six sorry areas of Team Superdad. That's health wealth fitness personal power faith and happiness I can't wait to chat to more of you dads but most importantly please share and like this podcast for sharing like our Facebook page The more we can grow this community then the more people we can impact And not only that but the more fun we can have creating our best life ever As soon as we get some iTunes reviews then we will be doing an iTunes review of the week. So, you know if you're going to be that first person then so long it's a positive review then I look forward to reading that out! I've been listening back to the other podcasts possibly you could say I waffled on little bit and so bear with me excuse me...I speak from the heart I speak about things that have happened to me

03:33 The Jonnie Jensen Show, Jonnie Jensen, Nick Forgham, Black Belt Confidence When you've, I don't know more than anything. I don't want you to be alone You know like I said we are not alone your on Team Superdad and so without further ado let's crack on with this interview Let's hear what Nick has to say if you've got any questions then bring them over to the Facebook group There's loads of like-minded dads in there And of course the Monday night hangout everybody is welcome just come over to the zoom call The details are on the Facebook page

04:15 But it's Monday nights on Zoom and you can come in there, have a laugh. Have some banter take the mick out of some other dads and also share a problem if you've got one. I'll stop waffling on let's roll the interview enjoy! Good morning, welcome to the Team Superdad podcast. Today's guest is someone I've been introduced to recently and that is the magic of the Team Superdad community you get introduced by people you know to other awesome people in the world and today's guest is no exception it's Nick Forgham and he is here in the UK with me

04:56 Nick is an author of a book all around using ninja skills in your life and has a course along the same lines as well. And I will do him a disservice by trying to explain it myself, so I'll let Nick you do that but it's great to have you on the podcast today Nick good morning! Pleasure, yeah. Good morning! Yeah why don't you introduce yourself a moment and tell us a little bit about uh you know just basically your age and your family situation? Just as a summary to kick us off... I didn't know you're gonna get that personal Jonnie! Wow! No no you're alright! We can see how old we both are from our hairlines! Let's not talk about our hair okay so i'm 57

05:39 I live in Reading. If people are in the UK, that's sort of on the Heathrow flight path it's about 30 miles west of London and we got divorced 14 years ago when my two daughters were 11 and 9 moved in 2-3 years later with my girlfriend and two years ago we got married So that's all worked out really well and I'm sure we'll be talking more about my relationship with my daughters and also with her two children who are also currently 25 and 23 as are my two daughters. Right, so you're a dad and a stepdad? I'm an unofficial step-dad as well as a dad yeah Yeah yeah...I think uh well we can touch on that the experience of being a stepdad myself is

06:32 I've been a stepson and I've been a stepdad. And when you start chatting to people who have experienced that, then there's a lot of relatedness but outside of that it is not really a subject that gets spoken about much and there are times when its challenging It's a role that is so loosely defined in different relationships Nick, I know from our conversation when we were chatting and getting introduced to each other you've had a varied career across business your own business and now your work in personal development

07:25 Tell us a little bit about that journey through your career. Yeah, well I think quite awhile ago I reached the point where I was definitely unemployable but in some ways I did the conventional stuff so university and working for two or three big companies got fed up with corporate life went to a small company and got made redundant this is back in the late 80s And since then I've pretty much done my own stuff. So, I've done a variety of things, complementary health I learned NLP, which if you're not familiar with it is neuro linguistic programming. It's an insight into how the mind works. I use that to do some sales training. I've been a sales trainer and stress management consultant. Currently I have two things i'm doing... I run a networking franchise and worldwide organization called BNI. I run in Berkshire Wiltshire with nearly 400 members

08:27 And then the other thing I do is, and we might touch on this but at school which was now many years ago. But on the way back from school for seven years I was bullied and there's something sort of deep within me that at 25 which is now 32 years ago meant that I started karate And basically, although I had two years off when my first daughter was born. So that's what's up 30 years so for 30 years i've been doing and or teaching karate for one to three times a week

09:04 So what I've realized is that there's a way in which black belts think. So my book and my course are all about the mindset of a black belt. Yeah, cool! And I saw there was a couple chapters you shared on your website which i read through and it's such clear Lessons, clear encouragement. It's not necessarily unique to karate but it is always nice when that information is applied in such a way and especially for dads you can say alright okay well I get that, that's really practical and I can relate to that. Some people don't necessarily want the idea of oh we're going to go counselling or we're going on a personal development course

09:54 But, so when the context like you framed it in and there's references to Bruce Lee and things like that I think it can get very masculine. And that can be a real way to break through some people barriers and preconceptions and stuff So, you know, in those chapters you shared some really powerful guidance in there which I'm sure all dads could gain from let alone dads who have been through divorce separation or loss So, 14 years ago you got divorced. That was after you had decided to change your career? Yeah I was doing my own stuff by then and I did some internet stuff in the very early days. I imported stuff from Egypt and sold it into museum gift shops around the country. And I was doing all sorts of stuff. Just about that sort of that career change because a lot of dads go through

10:46 are going through that thinking process, they're reflecting on their job. They're feeling that they've got to... It's a double-edged flipping sword basically on the one hand they need to make more money and on the other hand they want to find a way to have more time and flexibility so they can be with their kids We can touch on all those points but just around the thoughts of changing your career How did you, on reflection, did you wallow in it for a little bit? Did it weigh heavy on your mind thinking I've got to get out of this but don't know what to do or were you able to be quite clear about... ...I've got to change this and this is how I'm going to go about it. I think my mindset over the years even over the decades has always been pretty consistent which is that I have always had to enjoy it

11:35 So I've only ever done things that i enjoy and, I mean sometimes obviously you know from a work perspective you've got to stick with it even if times are a bit tough or it's not working out as you thought. But I think we owe it to ourselves to be happy and work is a big part of all our working lives for those of us who are lucky enough to be working, assuming that you know we want to be working. And you've got to do things you enjoy doesn't mean you have to sort of immediately stop and go and do something else but You've got to enjoy it. It's gotta resonate with you, there's gotta be things in there where you think yeah... and it's okay if that is purely about yourself and it can of course also be about the impacts that your work has on other people but whatever it is you've got to be happy but you don't have to change straight away. Yeah I think that's really important

12:28 And The inquiry, they're like what would I like to do? What are my interests? What are my passions? Are people making money out of those things? Okay great. How much money do i need even you know there's a lot there's a lot of question marks around this subject and now I know looking back on my career there were times when I got really frustrated and stuck in...I'm not really enjoying this but I don't know what to do! And it wasn't until I started

13:04 I've done my personal development journey where I actually became much more adept and confident of thinking, okay what would I like to do? And how will I go about that. Yeah yeah. What are some of the things you could suggest people about how they tap into those passions or those thoughts of how can i do more for people or what's the access to what is my best work Yeah, one thing I want to say actually that was a real eye-opener for me when I qualified doing stress management is that any change is stressful. Getting married to your dream partner is a change it's stressful you know buying your dream house and moving into a different area is change and its stressful

13:54 You can overdo it. And from a karate perspective, if you're faced with two attackers... you don't want to fight both at the same time because it's like sticking one hand out to the left and one hand out to right! Nothing is going to happen okay? There's no power in those techniques there's nothing so it's very much one thing at a time So, in terms of like the career side if there's stuff going on in the family as well that is outside of control then I would almost just say you know what my work for the next three months six months. I'm just gonna carry on! In terms of then looking forwards and how am I gonna tap into my passions a little bit of it is about introspection

14:35 Which seems a long word, but it's basically just getting to know yourself. There is a very famous karate quote and I think it's other things like Sun Tzu in the Art of War... But he goes something like this... Know yourself and know the enemy and in 1000 battles you will never be in peril! Now, the first two words of those are absolutely key because it's about knowing yourself. And when you're going through a period of time and a period of challenge and a period of change it's actually difficult to do those things so one of the things that's in my program is just to take some time out and just focus on your breathing and that might seem a bit perhaps to some people a bit sort of spooky, a bit Buddhist

15:22 You know, extreme stuff. But actually it's just taking time out and just being and your thoughts will naturally come into being you'll be better placed to actually look outside kind of looking in And then when things do come along and people start saying oh you know what maybe things have settled down with the family And if you're not sure what to do, I've got a video on my channel where I talk about

16:09 Of course it can happen to women in the same circumstance, but everything collapses. And that's exactly what you were just saying is that our focus is on five or six different things – our home, our work, our children, our relationship, our money and in trying to think about manage all those things actually none of them get handled Yeah, for me and my partner now my wife it's the same thing. The priority was always the kids it was always how the kids felt yes I will need access to them and stuff like that and there were times when you know oh we're just going off on holiday for two weeks I'm thinking well no one's told me yeah there's times like that you know it's part of the process but the priority was always the kids and one of the things I wanted to say to you today is this

16:57 This whole concept of time because in a way it's easy for me now to look back on how things were 14 years ago, because they were pretty bad. You know when I moved out and I was renting a house that I couldn't afford... When I spent part of Christmas Day that first Christmas day by myself and my mother had died in April, my father been dead for ages I think I might have seen the kids for half an hour on Christmas Day. That was without doubt, the worst possible time that I had in all of this. That was awful! But you know what? Right now i've got a great relationship with my kids My 25 year old she actually phoned me couple of weeks ago and it was like a Thursday night

17:39 Am I alright to swear on this, Jonnie? Yeah go for it. She actually phoned me and she said you used to phone us in the middle of the week but you've turned into a real miserable bastard and you're not phoning me so i'm phoning you what are you up too! And I thought... You know what?! In some ways like the sacrifices that that I made and my ex-wife she probably made sacrifices as well but I've got that relationship with my kids and that is priceless We've been talking about the work stuff and everything but I think there is this whole period of you know playing the long game and looking at, you know where do i want to be with my kids in six months time? Where do I want to be with my kids in six years time because you know kids are going to be around till hopefully till the day we die. So it's about this much longer term perspective. Yeah and I had friends that said that to me Jonnie The Long Game! Think about The Long Game

18:35 So, I'm gonna start with you. What is it that you're most proud of? And what are some of the things that you've learned from this podcast? And then we'll go to Nick. So, let's get started. So, I think for me, I feel like I have a lot more confidence in myself than I do in other people and I don't know if that's true or not but I definitely feel confident As a starting point, for certain dads the circumstances could mean that they can't have their children at 50% of the time. But as a start point that's where I think everybody should work from and from your relationship with your ex it's an easier less conflict there is less hostility around sharing things coming from that point of view

19:32 What, you know were your kids quite upset about the breakup when it first happened? Can you think that far back was it difficult for them? Yeah, it was. The older one who was 11 because I left in... It's like end of October-November and the reason that I left at the time I did was because we gave her a few weeks to settle in at secondary school. And she's quite astute. I think she'd realized for over several months that you know We just weren't getting on with...I've been sleeping separate rooms You know all the standard stuff The nine-year old, when we told her it was a complete shock. That was hard! Yeah and how did you reassure them? There's so much we can talk about in this subject but what I like to do rather than... because it's actually quite easy to focus on the drama but how did you reassure them or help them feel like their world wasn't collapsing

20:32 I think one of the things that I've stressed to them is that whatever happens, I will always be their dad. You just cannot change that fact. That he's a biological god it's whatever you want and I will always be there for them and I'll always be seeing them so obviously I didn't know at the time the details of that and how often that would be A funny story actually, because my younger one went to university and I've always said to them... I always remember my ex-father in law sadly he's dead now but he always said you always worry about your kids don't ya? And i decided there and then when he told me that that I was never going to worry about my kids. So the deal the deal I've got with my kids is

21:19 If they're ever in trouble, they phone me and I'll sort it out. I don't know what I'll do... It's perhaps a dad thing maybe my ego is getting in the way a little bit but I don't have to know what the problem is! I just know that I'll sort it out. My youngest has been at university and she was in her second year said she phoned me up said Dad you know how if I'm going to come storming in. I was so excited and said, what is it? What is it? Tell me!

22:01 We've got to get one of the parents give a talk on something to do with their business and all the others are like, all their parents are nurses and stuff like that. So it's going have to be you! So I drove down to Bournemouth and gave a talk that was going to be 45 minutes on networking The Jonnie Jensen Show, Jonnie Jensen, Nick Forgham, Black Belt Confidence The Jonnie Jensen Show, Jonnie Jensen, Nick Forgham, Black Belt Thinking, Black Belt Confidence.

22:59 The Jonnie Jensen Show, Jonnie Jensen, Nick Forgham, Black Belt Confidence, Black Belt The Jonnie Jensen Show, Jonnie Jensen, Nick Forgham, Black Belt Thinking, Black Belt Confidence. I'd got into quite a serious breakdown in communication around something about Wi-Fi and how i'm relating that back to what you were saying, my relationship with my dad although he's pretty bit of a maverick. We could always ask anything we could say anything there was really not too much of it a scenario where are you and what time are you coming back but

23:59 Speaking for myself, where I was and what time I was coming back was always pretty sensible. And I had a good group of friends as well so you create that atmosphere with your children whereby the one time they ring you and you're expecting it to be like how can i swoop in and save you? Your daughter's on top of everything her biggest drama in the world So, I'm going to start with you. I learned from this a martial arts thing but Bruce Lee was standing one day and he put one of his legs out to one side and he basically rotated his body 360 degrees. So, you kind of had this circle that was like two feet away from his body... and they had this circle all the way around him! And he said from a self-defense point of view, This is my circle of life

25:02 And from a self-defense point of view, if someone is inside my circle... in other words they're pretty much within striking range. He said, purely from a self-defense point of view you want to know if they're going to kiss you or kill you. But what I've done is and what i think we can take this concept as we can apply these concepts to a lot of other things in our life as well because If you want to get a little bit deep We kind of become the person based on the things that we have let into our circle not just the people but the thoughts, the words, the actions and everything else But we can't, the thing is that we can't... We have to control what's in our circle. We have to have a degree of control over us but we don't control most of the things that are outside that circle and if it's a daughter with Wi-Fi or whatever it might be you know sometimes you have to say well okay I'm going to fight the battle and sometimes you'll have to say

26:01 That's outside my circle. I'm going to let it go, but whatever because otherwise you're trying to control or even have a degree of influence over things that actually don't and that's the recipe for disaster so we have to let our kids find their own way is such a tricky area It is and there's so many subjects, different parents, different families, different circumstances. Everyone is free to make their own rules but that does actually link nicely back into that picture you painted about your relationship with your daughter which is we give our children The Jonnie Jensen Show, Jonnie Jensen, Nick Forgham, Black Belt Thinking, Black Belt Confidence.

26:54 And by the way, can you help me fix it? And that's thinking that relating to my stepson. Things are a little bit strained at the moment for some reason and I hope he does get back in touch in due course but there was...I always said to him If you're at a party, I don't care what's happened. You can call me and i'll come and get you whether you're drunk or whether you've taken something whatever like just know that if you need me call me and uh and i'll be there and that puts the problem to it to a different place yeah the problem wasn't like oh i can't tell my dad this... The problem is

27:33 The Jonnie Jensen Show, Jonnie Jensen, Nick Forgham, Black Belt Confidence, Black All kids need that. We need it, me and you need it Jonnie! Everybody needs something like that. Totally well listen there's a couple of things I want to touch on by the way people if they want to know more about that Circle Of Life example that's one of the chapters you've shared from your book on your website yeah? Yeah That's and that's your Nick Forgham dot com yeah? Yeah it's on Amazon Black Belt Thinking there's quite a lot you can look at Okay well I'll share the link in the show notes anyway as well

28:20 Just want to touch on that whole bullying thing. So you had an experience of being bullied through school? Was it something that lasted quite a while? Yeah, it was actually on the way home so I lived in a little village outside Lancaster up in the northwest of England and I'd get a lift into school from my dad or one of his friends with couple other lads and then sometimes on the bus coming home I would be by myself. I'd be the only person from Lancaster Grammar School and the last stop in Lancaster was The Ruffer School in Lancaster, so all these kids from The Ruff End would pile on and I'd be sitting on the bus in my fluorescent blue Lancaster Grammar School blazer. Yeah! So I was for seven years

29:09 The Jonnie Jensen Show, Jonnie Jensen, Nick Forgham, Black Belt Confidence Basically that's where it got me to. And the irony is now that I give professional talks to 350 people, and teach karate and stuff like that so its kind of gone full circle. Late teens early twenties...I was scared! I was scared a lot things And what can you say to people that may have had that experience, it could actually be someone who's still shouldering it now or they could be experiencing it with their child. What are some of the breakthroughs that people could achieve around the subjects of bullying both in the present and getting rid of I guess sort of hangover, the after effects of having been bullied at any time in your life?

30:06 There's a lot more out there now in terms of not just, not necessarily any type of therapy but that there's so much stuff out there. There have been books written about it and all sorts of useful things. It is really good question because it's such a massive topic For me, and I think for a lot of people who've been bullied the issue was confidence. Confidence with myself, confidence with other people. And it goes back to what I said earlier about actually just thinking about yourself and who you are One of the most important things in this and with everything and to do with family breakup is about judging There's so much judging out there at the moment

30:51 People being judgmental and I liken it to when i'm a karate referee and i'm judging a competition. Although you can see people are very good, your natural reaction is to look for the negatives... You know oh they made a mistake there that stance could have been longer wider sharper whatever! And when we judge ourselves we're very rarely positive about ourselves and it's easy in a family breakup or Or people who've got a history of overcoming some adversity like bullying to actually be very negative to themselves and say, you know what? You know I shouldn't have done this. And one of the things I say to people is listen to your language because we're often our own harshest critic and there are times particularly when we're going through stress that doesn't serve us well. So you talk about inner voice there that voice in our mind yeah. Self-talk that comes from our beliefs and everything else so

31:46 Have a real think about, first of all about your self-talk as you say the inner voice. Don't be harsh on yourself you know bullies pick on people and marriages break up all that sort of stuff it just happens doesn't mean necessarily that any one person was massively at fault so I think that would be the first thing i would say is don't be harsh on yourself and say oh you know i'm rubbish at this or should have done that It's not about that, that's dealing in the past And are you saying that's like a subconscious thing where You start, you're almost like blaming yourself for the bullying but then you forget that you were blaming yourself about the bullying so then another scenario comes along where you don't feel that comfortable and you're just left with a feeling of I can't stop this. I'm helpless. I'm no good That's and that's the hangover from the bullying It is absolutely! And one thing that I've... This sounds counterintuitive

32:36 When I was doing the stress management diploma, one of the signs of someone who is strong or who is going to be strong is to ask for help. Because quite often what happens is people think if you're asking for help, you must be in a mess, you must be weak and actually it's strong people that are asked for help and I can explain it to you very simply People who have a real problem with self-esteem how they think of themselves how they value themselves so they regard themselves Their self-esteem can get so low that they don't ask for help because they don't think they're worthy of anyone helping them. So actually, a lot of these things are a two way stream If you now... if someone listening to this says I think there is someone there who can help but just haven't asked yet My advice would be go and ask them for 2 reasons One is, the worst thing that could happen is somebody says no

33:28 And secondly, if they help you it could be the start of a massive transformation. So actually asking for help is a really positive empowering thing that will actually just by itself boost your self-esteem. Yeah totally! What I say to myself and i say to my kids Well, what would you say if someone came and asked you for help? Or what was some... they'd like to say oh I'll help them. Oh yeah so why am i imagining that if I ask someone for help they're gonna laugh at me or send me back where I came from it doesn't always these you know it's the fears that we create in our mind are way bigger than the actual likely outcome

34:06 Yeah, and you know I'm...I have a strong emphasis on time and making the commitment. Making your decision and maybe someone is listening to this right now and they can decide they can write it down they could commit in their head themselves that actually there's someone they've been thinking of that they can go ask for help and they can do as soon as they finish listening to this podcast. Yeah totally! I said this before but around the subject of me I've seen a counselor and going on antidepressants when i really was having my breakdown, I was screaming at the woman there's nothing wrong with me! So so it was but I was...I was so in the hole that I couldn't see it. And so your outlet for that as was just the karate or did you do a bit of... Was there any counseling there as well? Or was really the karate yet the breakthrough for you around that subject

34:59 I think one of the things we're after in life is about the journey we're on and it's about our identity. And, I was fairly happy with who I was outside of the family context so for me it was pretty much business as normal I didn't think of counselling, maybe i should have had something. And I remember I've certainly had phases in my life and that's probably the biggest one where I would call in you know calling favours family members whatever you know and it's exactly what you just said a couple minutes ago that you know I think anyone listening to this and you or me we

35:39 We'd pretty much help someone as long as their request was reasonable and I think most people are like that. And it's easy to fall into the trap of not thinking that people won't help us, so... I've certainly had phases in my life where I've actually given a lot but then I've had phases where I've asked for help. Yeah! And that's so important. I got so many ideas on where to take this conversation but you know when I started, I went to singing club for awhile because it was real just I needed to do something new. I needed to be out of the house, I needed to be around different people. Just touching on karate as an interest and a hobby is something that someone could start from scratch you know like what tell me a bit more... What's the cool thing? Why is karate cool? Like why should people do it? What do you get out of it? Can someone start karate when they're 45? Yeah my oldest student was a 55 year old diabetic with a heart condition

36:39 So yeah, anyone can do it. What I always say is go along to a club – it could be anything! It could be kickboxing, judo... Go along to a club and a good test is to say to the instructor, I'm thinking about starting. I'd just like to sit in and watch your lesson if that's okay? If they say no you need to walk out because it's something not right! And then i've looked at how the instructor is and i've looked at how these students are because you want like the right atmosphere in the in the club You can get little hitlers And

37:40 And that health side, actually getting out and sweating. Getting those positive endorphins and chemicals in our brain flowing. And you know karate if someone's feeling like they're not really a runner or they don't really fancy the gym they just like oh I just don't know what to do. Karate can be that for people yeah? Yeah definitely it's a whole body thing and um i've got students who People would look at their students and they'd say, oh they're overweight. But you know what? They come in the dojo and they just go for it! And it's like well then... You're going to be good! And I'm thinking yeah let's go so uh It doesn't matter if you're short or tall clever or not um wide or thin doesn't matter Just turn up for somewhere and give it a go. It's a good outlet

38:26 And sometimes I've walked out after training and then all the thoughts come back and hit me. Oh my god, I've got to do this! But the thing is that if you run a car at 100 miles per hour in second gear... The Jonnie Jensen Show, Jonnie Jensen, Nick Forgham, Black Belt Confidence, Black Now that's not it, no. Okay so now that's good to know as well because I think it is interesting where you can find outlets and solutions to different things but equally just simply being around people is a good escape as well? Yeah definitely yeah

39:27 I'm going to come back to the karate because iIm interested to hear a bit more and share with the listeners and watchers about The Black Belt Programme. But just flipping over into some, back to the relationship stuff... Your new wife? Right! The reason I'm bringing this up is because it's about dating right?! This is an area where I'm still I guess, I've just parked the whole subject. What did it feel like when you decided you were going to go out dating again? Did you go out looking for another relationship? No! It just sort of happened naturally through the complementary therapy that I was doing so we just got to know each other. So no, I haven't actually been out on a... We didn't really go out on a date as such

40:21 So this was someone that you bumped into, it wasn't like you went and dated four or five and then met your partner. This is someone the universe put you in touch with basically? Yeah in terms of dating I have no expertise to share! I'm not a lawyer but probably not a lot of things either but no thats not how it happened But I mean was Was it awkward? Did it feel quite natural, was it something you have to work on or did you just become friends and then fall in love. What was the access to actually a new relationship, a loving relationship and ultimately a new wife? We were both going through the same thing so I think there's that immediate bond

41:13 And also it's spooky that we've both got children who are aged exactly the same age. But no, we had been going through what you know exactly the same thing so there was that bond and then there was a shared interest in complementary therapy So it just evolved from there Yeah Do you think your better husband second time around? I'm older and wiser hopefully. Yeah, I don't know but you know like things change when I got married what? When i was 20...I got married about 30 years ago so you know I would.. I don't really recognize that guy from 30 years ago! I mean now I know that was me but I'm so different yeah yeah well you said also about different challenges and stresses in life

42:01 The Jonnie Jensen Show, Jonnie Jensen, Nick Forgham, Black Belt Confidence Couples that are happy and still together, you know. And their kids have reached 20 is a massive testimony to those people of what it takes to get to that point and I think it's also okay if it didn't work out. I wasn't able to say that for a long time but I'm at the point now where I can say It's okay that it didn't work out we came to the point where we weren't actually that compatible so worst thing we could've done was probably hung on in there

42:42 The Jonnie Jensen Show, It's actually easier in some ways to stay with someone where you don't get on, but then your kids are clever. Kids pick up on that stuff and you're probably not actually doing the best thing for them so actually to go through that breakup whether it was instigated by the dad or the mum doesn't really matter but in a way is better. It's much more traumatic at the time and then as you say money comes into it and everything else

43:22 But I'm quite convinced. And it's this thing that I said about looking back and assessing what's going on, and judging yourself and trying to take yourself out of it not to be too negative on yourself and not try to live in this sort of random false happy-clappy world but actually just to be able to take a step back and say you know what Was that the best thing for me? Yes. Was it the best thing for her? Yes. Was it best thing for the kids? Yeah, yeah it was! It was traumatic obviously and there's tears and all that sort of stuff... And one story I wanted to share with you is... I let a lot things go because they weren't necessarily precious to me but the day I left the home

44:08 There was my two daughters aged 11 and 9, and their mother. And she said oh look girls daddy's leaving us! And I just stuck in my head so when we had our next holiday me and the two daughters I planned it, went for a walk and dragged them off the path. I didn't drag them off the path but went off the path... By their hair! Across the field! We went and found this secluded little glade And i sat down with them and said look there's one thing that I need to tell you because this has been massively weighing on my mind so I couldn't come up with anything else This was where she was playing mind games Maybe I played some, I don't know, I'm not necessarily judging her massively for it

44:49 I was almost crying by this point. I said, look you might remember that when i walked out of the house last time and your mother said, look girls daddy's leaving us...I said you have to know I never left you and I never will! And I'm crying by now yeah and a younger one just looked at me and she said we never thought you had. Yeah that was intense relief. They had never viewed it that I had left them Yeah, but you were carrying that round with you. And that's the important thing about having these completion conversations is that if you've got a fear or concern an upset actually sharing it with that person and asking them was it really like this? Or are we okay about that? Or indeed creating making sure that the future that you're living into something you've created for them and created together

45:45 It's such a relief, such a weight off our shoulders. Yeah because however strong we are, however positive we are sometimes the stuff that goes on in our head that inner voice that self-talk can just get a little bit out of control so yeah just have a chat bring it out in the open and it is very rare as bad as you think it is. Do you know what else I can see about that Nick? Some dads in that situation would have made a decision about their mum She said this, which means she's like that. Which means she carried on doing that so now all your dialogue with your ex comes from the point of I've got to protect myself and defend my relationship in my children basically hostile and So it's like a filter of how we communicate with that person Forgetting that it was based on that one incident Yeah And then and then the two people wonder why they're always fighting yeah? And for her It was like for us obviously stressful for her because you thinking of her and the kids so you've gotta you've gotta

46:41 attempts to put yourself in her shoes as well. And for her it might have just been an off-the-cuff comment, I mean what is it? Look girls... It's only five words for God sake you know! Yeah and she might have then after I'd left she might sat down with them and said 5 000 words all of which were not negative about me um and I would never know that exactly yeah you're absolutely right we do carry around and just bringing out into the open sometimes The Jonnie Jensen Show, Jonnie Jensen, Nick Forgham, Black Belt Thinking, Black Belt Confidence

47:27 As adults, we are more affected by heartbreak. By change... you know use that word right at the beginning of our conversation how affected we are by change kids might not like it but they quick what they need is routine what they need is a trust and reassurance and as long as I've got that they can be quite happy with okay great this is what we're doing okay oh good I trust your daddy where will do this and in my work with dads that's one of the things that I put in right at the beginning Sit your kids down, reassure them. Create a picture in their mind of what your future looks like even if it's not... Even if you haven't got it right now and dads can be quite often in that situation of having got a big enough house not seeing them enough and you're gonna say do you know what guys this is what I'm committed to this is where we're headed towards I don't know how long it could take or what its going to take but I love you and we're gonna have a great life together This..this is not the end It's the start

48:20 Yeah, we have to remember that for our kids the one unchangeable fact that can never be changed by Donald Trump or global warming whatever you want to call it nothing is going to change the fact that for our kids we are their dad. And that's going to be the same tomorrow, it's going to be the same in a month, in a year, in 10 years. That is unalterable fact and I think gave me quite a lot of... It was a consolation but it was more than that! It was just knowing that I was always gonna be their dad and pretty soon when I started living with Lynn, I said to them, I said, I'm not having any more kids so we've

49:09 Just in case you were thinking, I said I will only ever have you two as my children. So it's a two-way thing, they've only got me as their dad and I've only got them as my daughters that's it! Yeah and at 11 or 9 whatever age they're at really but especially 11 to 9 they are conscious enough to be able to have a chat with you not as pressure not as drama I think too often kids aren't given the space to communicate, you know to feel like their thoughts and their concerns are being heard. And then you go okay wow yeah i really hear that okay let me think about that let's and then let's work out a new path forward. Yeah definitely! Wow great chat Nick great chat what um how

49:52 So just thinking, I've seen some of the testimonies of what people have got out of your Black Belt Ninja program. What led you to put that together? What did you see in the world that was missing that you could provide for people? When I wrote my book, which was six years ago. The book was a bit of a brain dump to be honest! So i just had all these thoughts about lessons we can learn from karate and traditional martial arts... Oh sorry can we just put into context here you're not like because I've seen it from your website You're not like a bloke who does a little bit of karate, you're a fourth dan. Fifth dan! A friend of mine when we were at school he was on the British Karate team and if anyone bullied him he had to tell them I just need to let you know that i can...I'm whatever and basically I'm a weapon so if you... I may retaliate but I need to tell you that before this starts basically

50:51 So you're, you know, fifth Dan. What does that mean for Pittsburgh? I just...I know it must be cool right so what is a fifth Dan? Just means i'm old Jonnie! Well there's a nice saying that um a black belt is a white belt who never quit I'm just someone who... my mother would have, my mother was a great fan of lifeboats and she said whatever the weather they just keep going. And that's just been like me with karate so yeah there are people out there who've advanced faster and some give up I just keep going, you know. I do it once or twice a week and I had a real phase in my late 20s before the kids came along...I was pretty religiously doing it! I had two or three years where I was just doing it four times a week so yeah it just means that's all! Okay like Yoda? Like Yoda yeah! I look like him as well!

51:47 Sorry, I interrupted you. So yeah so that's a... Alright, the book was A Brain Dump and then it went through one or two business things and I just thought you know what there are a lot of people out there who actually lack confidence they lack confidence to be themselves, to express themselves, lack confidence to try new things they lack confidence because they're fearful Failure, fear of loss, fear of being judged, fear of whatever. So I think the big area that I see where there's a gap is the confidence thing so i just took the most relevant bits of the book and related to that and put together a program uh...and feedback from people who've done the program somebody said uh...there is nothing in this world I can't handle! I thought bloody hell thats scary

52:40 Yeah, and the likelihood is someone who takes that course is probably thinking the exact opposite at the start. They've seen what's available from it and they want a breakthrough in there and they come to end of it with that. You know so much about personal development people have never engaged in it had a look at themselves have a look at their confidence having a look at what breakthrough might mean That is like a new dawn for them And that sounds like what that experience was for that lady It was a real new dawn yeah I think it's interesting to ask about the structure of the program and the videos. Of course, that gives people an opportunity to hear what it is all about but also for someone who is thinking about starting a new business or working out what online business might look like and how they turn their passions into a business because dads are wondering that! The course is online was something you knew before you started?

53:36 A little bit, but when you get into it's a massive industry. There is loads of stuff out there and I had a quote from a web designer who wanted to charge me £1000 a day and it was 10 days to get the programme but then I looked online at research and you can access these programmes for like 50 quid a month. And the whole back end, all the technical stuff it's all done for you and you can have quizzes, videos, user groups, PDFs to download... Most of that is in the program but there is so much more to it!

54:15 And it's interesting how people start as well. A bit like you, I mean you're probably the casing point for this because you've picked a niche, you've picked a specific thing and then you focus on that one thing and if you look at people who are successful particularly in the online world what they've done is they pick... I don't know, it's carp fishing for people in wheelchairs. Okay? Yeah and you might think well who wants to do that well probably around the world thousands of people have got that expertise you can massively help them so i don't know how to clean your chimney if you've only got one arm...I don't know whatever it might be exactly whatever whatever it might be yeah loads of people out there who will benefit from the expertise that we all have and particularly when we're dads

55:03 We've been through quite a lot in life. We've seen things, you know having kids is obviously great it's brilliant but there are obviously stresses and we learn a lot about ourselves and other people as we go through that process so just by virtue of the fact of being a dad people have something to offer. Yeah totally! And just share where people can get your course I'll put in the show notes anyway but just share where people can get your course and explain the costs The cost is £67 and it gives them access to the programme for a year. It comes from one of my I met one of my first senior instructors who said, I'll get you to Black Belt in three minutes. And I said what do you mean? He said just do three minutes a day. What he meant was that you practice and train twice a week but then you do three minutes a day so there's 40 videos which are just two to three minutes so they take one point and describe it very clearly

56:00 And then there's things to think about. A lot of people have done it just like one day, so it's 40 days with a few quizzes if people want to do that and PDFs So basically you can do three minutes a day for seven weeks and that's pretty much all the content There is nothing complicated in it You know after having done karate for 30 years I don't know very much advanced stuff, it's just the simple things done well. A message for life, for being a dad. For simple things done well regularly, like consistently that's powerful. Yeah yeah brilliant and so just finally because this is sort of I've written a couple of notes here we've covered most of them but just as almost to finish up with you've reinvented yourself on a number of occasions in your life and you said a moment ago

57:06 I'm a lot older now, of course i'll be doing things different. Creating a better future one of my things for Team Superdad is creating our best life ever. Yeah! I feel like you're someone who's living that perhaps it's not always been easy but but you're continuing to do that even at 57 What would be your encouragement to dads who are wondering how to reinvent themselves? It's probably a summary of a lot of things you've said here, but what do they need to do to gain the confidence to do that and then trust themselves to keep going. Okay... A few things really I think the first thing is to stay true to yourself

57:48 And no, that can be... you could probably do a whole day's podcast on that. But it's really about starting to have an idea of who you are because we all have roles and identities. Do you mean like values? Could someone access their values? No not so much that but its more about the roles in life. The role is I'm Carefree Dad for my children. I'm the breadwinner, I am the guy who is in business life this is who I am.

58:29 But actually, you need to strip all that away because it's great obviously that we're all dads. It's great that we have a job assuming we've got a job but that's not actually who we are so it's about having this little bit of thought about who you are and now I'm coming back to you sorry yeah...it is about our values and fundamentally what make us What makes us the people that we are? Values is in the program and I know it's a subject dear to you. People talk about values but as we just said, I like simple things. Values are simply things that we value. In other words they're things that are important to us so it might be I'm

59:33 And probably the other thing I'd say is that, accept that you have made mistakes in the past. You might be making mistakes now. You're definitely going to make mistakes in the future and... and you know what? That's okay! That's just part of life as long as you're not intending for anyone to be hurt or damaged or you know put out in any way then it's okay, you're going to make mistakes. So just sort of take the pressure... do things like that that take the pressure off you because this is a situation of change, change is stressful so do some sort of mind things like this to actually give yourself a bit of headspace, give yourself a bit of time so then you can actually express yourself and go on this journey of getting to know who you are

1:00:21 And you're not going to lose things from this. You're not gonna lose your kids, you don't lose your relationship with the kids In fact the more that you can get closer to actually knowing who you truly are probably actually something more there for your kids to buy into because they're from the same gene pool They're probably gonna actually bond with you even closer So stay true to yourself, don't do things that are completely stupid. Just stay true to yourself and accept mistakes and just accept that we're all on this journey And there's a real positive in this situation that we can actually learn a lot more about who we are Yeah by knowing who we are we can actually create our best...a much better future for ourselves so they're so true

1:01:06 Awesome Nick, well listen thank you for sharing so much of your life story with us today. Oh one final thing just on Juggling that, your children your stepchildren. Was was that something that... did you stress about that? I know a lot of dads do stress about it like getting into relationship with someone else who's got kids. Did you and your wife how did you make that work or was it a concern and if it was a concern did he go away quickly There's one thing in particular that happened very early on when I'd moved in because, I realised that I had to very quickly accept the relationship I had with my... they've never been officially my stepkids because you know their dad is still alive and everything.

1:02:04 I had to accept the relationship was fundamentally different to how it was with my kids and that was quite difficult, partly because they're the same age. But I didn't have authority... I couldn't actually say to them, go on put that away! Whereas with my kids, I could do that. And I think once asked the younger one to go and do something and she just said no or she just ignored me so the question is what can you do? I can't actually do anything! So i had to learn that I didn't have that relationship...

1:02:44 It's not sort of authority, but you know what I mean? This father-type relationship with them. It was completely different Yeah, I do totally know what you mean having been a step-parent myself. It's an acceptance that you're not the primary parent and that it's actually inappropriate...I'll let people just define that for themselves but speaking for myself it's inappropriate to try and be that primary parent and it brings a lot of stress on the situation and can bring conflict just like you say, You're not my dad! Okay? And Maybe if you're someone's boss at work, you could try and tell them to do something. But in any other social type work-type human-to-human scenario the best you could do is request someone to do something and if they didn't want to they'd have to be okay with it which is very different to the role of a parent So... It requires a lot of mutual respect And as the adult acceptance that okay if I said no

1:03:44 It's not really my place to blow my stack and start demanding things. That should be for their biological parent, for my partner, to step in and determine. Yeah, you probably cover it... there are books on it I was given a book by my now wife with the best of intention because you have to be prepared that even if you ask nicely, if they say no there isn't really anything you can do And we are back to something we talked about right at the beginning, which is playing the long game. It's something that happened this June which was Father's Day so now in September... So this is three months ago but my wife had no idea this was going to happen and I had no idea it was gonna happen but for the first time I got a stepdad Father's Day card from the two of them!

1:04:35 And that's on the mantelpiece in the bedroom, because that means a lot. That's an acknowledgement of what you've been together now? 14... How long have you been together? 12 years? Yeah, 12 years. As an acknowledgment of twelve years work not work-work but twelve years love and commitment you could say. If someone was expecting to be thanked every week And, of course, the podcast is brought to you by the

1:05:23 You must have had to take it. It was great and also from my wife as well because she had no idea, you know it's just a card that says thanks and that was it but yeah it was massive! And like we said right at the beginning its about what relationship do you want with your kids in three weeks? In three years? In 30 year time? Sometimes take it on the chin don't let someone walk all over you but sometimes just think I'm going to let that go And I've had it where, you know, it's like oh dad we're not around at Christmas and they're telling me this at the end of November because mum has taken us to so-and-so. You know but it's like okay so they're going off having a great time and I'll see you on the 29th December or something like that So yeah take a few things on the chin It's about balance Yeah totally! I have that with my kids

1:06:15 The night they come back is Christmas Eve and the first morning they're back it's Christmas Day. So, they get to have two Christmas days in fact I get to have two Christmas days! Awesome Nick great conversation you know the cool thing about conversations like this is when you realize you could chat for absolutely hours but people don't listen to podcasts for absolutely hours unless you're listening to The Joe Rogan Podcast then people do seem to listen for about three hours Well, I'll get to that point in my world domination. Nick thank you so much we're going to share some links to all your stuff in the show notes what's the name of your course on your website again? Well if you catch me at nickforgham.com and their course is called Black Belt Confidence

1:07:00 Awesome, and the book on Amazon? Black Belt Thinking. Black Belt Thinking, brilliant! I strongly recommend it. I'm just starting to work my way through Nick's course myself so... So i look forward to being able share some of that. Nick thank you so much again for your time great to hear about your family and your journey the successes you've had in different areas of your life and..and the commitment you are to people in the community if you've been teaching karate for that long I know there are now Dads who are impacting their children's life and that's because of you. So, um That's who you are in the world and I think it's fabulous. Well enjoyed it Thanks Jonnie Great stuff! I'm gonna stop record and I'll see you soon. Cheers. Thanks

1:07:45 Wow, what a great conversation with Nick. If you are one of the 20%ers and you are still with us then thank you! The magic is quite often at the end when we get to the point where you're really relaxed and start learning more about the guests and their life and things pop into your mind just like they did then about being a step-parent how he blended his family so well It's tricky being a step parent I've got to say and it's not often spoken about. If you've enjoyed this podcast then please leave us a review on iTunes or wherever you listen to this, those reviews help promote the podcast if you're on something like Breaker or Stitcher or Spotify then give us some hearts as well because all these things are positive social testimonials and like i said the more dads we can impact in the more

1:08:35 I'm The Jonnie Jensen Show, Jonnie Jensen, Nick Forgham, Black Belt Thinking, Black Belt Confidence, Black Belt Confidence, Black Belt Confidence, Black Belt Confidence, Black Belt Confidence, Black Belt Confidence, Black Belt Confidence, Black Belt Confidence, Black Belt Confidence, Black Belt Confidence, Black Belt Confidence, Black Belt Confidence, Black Belt Confidence, Black Belt Confidence, Black Belt Confidence, Black Belt Confidence, Black Belt Confidence, Black Belt Confidence, Black Belt Confidence, Black Belt Confidence, Black Belt Confidence, Black Belt Confidence, Black Belt Confidence, Black Belt Confidence, Black Belt Confidence, Black Belt Confidence, Black Belt Confidence, Black Belt Confidence, Black Belt Confidence, Black Belt Confidence, Black Belt Confidence, Black Belt Confidence, Black Belt Confidence, Black Belt Confidence, Black Belt Confidence, Black Belt Confidence, Black Belt Confidence, Black Belt Confidence, Black Belt Confidence, Black Belt Confidence,

1:09:22 Please share this, please bring in your friends and other dads to the community. And I look forward to seeing you over in the Facebook group and on the next Team Superdad podcast! Team Superdad out! This has been Team Super Dad Find us at teamsuperdad.com Join the Rebuild Programme and create the best life ever for you and your children You are not alone...you're on Team SuperDad