Miserable Man Syndrome – why men get stuck and how to fix it

00:00 Miserable man syndrome. I heard it for the first time, that phrase this week, and it really triggered me. It like got me going. Is it real? Is it the factor of living with people that just drive us insane? And is there something that we can do about it? Can we stop being that miserable bloke that really isn't enjoying life to the degree that we should be? Let's crack on and find out. Roll theme. Welcome to the Johnny Jensen Show, where modern dads discover how to create the true riches, relationships, and results they deserve. Get your high value man blueprint and join our community at highvalue manproject.com.

00:45 Let's go. Hello, man. Welcome to the Johnny Jensen show. It's good to have you back here with me, however you found me. First timer or returner. We've had a big spike in listens over the last couple of weeks, primarily, I think, down to the interview with Michael Serwa. He's a well-connected guy. Good to have him on the podcast. You've probably seen a number of guest episodes now. And that goes back to what I used to do on the podcast when I first started. So it is good to be doing those. Good to be connecting with more people, getting their views and opinions and insights. The Dr. Steve Bodansky guest episode all around sex and orgasms was absolutely brilliant this week.

01:27 He was on my list of people I would love to have on the podcast. If you've read Russell Brunson's books, he makes a big thing about this sort of, make a list. I forget what he calls it now. But it's like create a list of the people you'd most like to connect with or the people you'd most like to have as a guest or the people you'd most like to have as a client. Have those people be the ones that you actually go out and target. So I did. And it was great to have Dr. Steve on there. This episode. So I read an article this week. You know how on your on your Google or your MSN homepage, like it flicks up articles and stuff.

02:09 So this was from a Telegraph, I think, in the UK. And this woman, it started off by saying how she's had three husbands. So there was a little bit of a red flag for me there. But the article was primarily about how these, she had constantly suffered with miserable partners. Now, okay, don't pick miserable partners, but it also, once I got down off my flipping soapbox and been so triggered by it, it got me thinking, well, what is that like? What is going on? And so I actually read it in full there. And I see this in a lot of men.

02:47 Okay. I see it in relationships that have gone a bit stale. I see it in friends or, you know, extended social circles. And you see certain couples who are just going through the motions. It looks fraught. They don't seem to be having much fun. You kind of sense when they arrive, there's an issue and you sense when they leave there's an issue. So, you know, if they're close friends, you're like, oh, you know, what's happening, mate? Are you all right? But if, but if they're just other people, you know, the classic one is when you're in Ikea and you see two, a couple wandering around, basically bickering and arguing and just things that I just go, no, I'm not doing that.

03:27 I'm never doing that. You know, have I done it in my life sometimes? Yeah, probably been there. And I'm just not, that's just not happening again. But what can we do as men if we find ourselves as being that, you know, grumpy, snappy, emotionally checked out? And, you know, you have that thought, is this who I am now? Like, what's, am I stuck like this? What can I do about it? It manifests itself in, you know, in low energy, in zero intimacy, habitual avoidance, like gaming, drinking, gambling, you know, basically checking out of the relationship.

04:05 But it's, it could be stress. It could be health, like testosterone or other biomarkers, vitamin D, iron, zinc, all these kind of things. So it might be that you actually are a miserable git, or it might be that there's circumstances going on that will have you be this way. So we're going to get stuck into this today. It's, you know, this sits around the subject, the core heart of the high value man project perfectly. It's about men waking up and seeing themselves for how they're being, like how they're showing up in their life. What's that like for the people around them? Rather than thinking, she's this, works that, life's not fair, and it all happening to us.

04:50 There's a level at which we desire to get to. And it's the frustration of not being there that ends up dragging us down. It's the frustration of going through the motions. instead of pushing towards our goal that's what drags us down so this subject is absolutely perfect for it when inside the high value man project that's what we address with a clear system and structure for putting routine for basically for holding yourself to account first of all creating the life uh a picture of the life that you desire getting over what's holding you back in terms of your

05:26 mindset and attitude towards others and then putting the structure in place to actually create it and so in this respect we all have it in our power to take control to actually choose not just choose first of all choose the life that we've got and then choose the life that we're creating how you show up in those moments is up to you some people dance in the rain some people run for cover some people are miserable bastards and other people aren't which one are you and if you find yourself no and by the way if you are a miserable bastard and you absolutely find me that crack on crack on but if there's pinch points in your life where

06:05 people are maybe frustrated disappointed let down distancing themselves because of that and then and then things are getting worse then it's on you to address that so no at its heart you've got to have a look at where this is all coming from okay first and foremost in a situation like the article portrayed we're talking about a relationship there it's having a look at the dynamics of that relationship and what's really working for you and what's not working for you what's having you be frustrated what's having you be snappy and starting to um bring your partner around the idea that not only do you recognize how your being might not be working but that you want to address actually some of the root cause of that getting them to a point getting yourselves to a point together

06:57 where it actually becomes something that you're you're prepared to talk about what you'll find when you do that though is that she's probably not going to be that interested in in listening to it if you have been a miserable lazy overworking disengaged not helping out you know if you've been that for a long time it's going to be very difficult for her to suddenly you know hear you as this transformed man this person that's suddenly going to contribute participate and be interested in how she's doing it's that's not necessarily going to be something that she's going to jump at that requires you to put the work in so that there's evidence for her not for her benefit but for yours this all starts with with you what

07:42 it is that you want what it is that your life um you know the baseline for your life is because our commitment here my commitment inside the high value man project is that we are men who are excelling living above the standards that other people are putting up with and accepting it's not that everybody else is crap and we're better than them but it's being able to say what would it be like to live a life where i'm energized and happy what would it be like to have a relationship that's on fire and passionate and fun what would it be like to be connected to my kids and having a laugh and going and doing things and they actually want to spend time with me what would it be like to have stable finances enjoy my work and at the

08:22 weekends have a shitload of fun with my mates that is the essence of the life that most of us desire and what we're pissed off about is that we haven't got that so it isn't just going to snap our fingers and happen but neither is it going to fall in our lap because we've suddenly reached a milestone in our life where we're where we deserve it it starts with you and that's the magic of doing this work is that who you show up for as yourself starts to fuel it brings this energy that then other people react from other people lean into they want to be around it so um we've touched on two points there about what could be the core cause of this and they're the two obvious ones okay

09:06 the relationship and then how you're showing up for yourself if you're tired fat overweight you know if you don't really like yourself and you're not doing something about it you're gonna you know you're gonna make it worse then then the other aspects of it are your work what is it about your work that you love what is it about your work that frustrates you if it's fundamentally that you just can't bear to get up in the morning and go and do it let alone you know that sort of sunday night syndrome of of of you know the anticipation of going back to work on a monday and you and you and you you know you just just can't bear it it's one thing if you work in the business you're a career guy it's an even another thing if it's your business that that sense of being stuck and trapped rather than addressing it it becomes really heavy it starts to weigh on you and it's that negativity that results results in that loss of energy, that snappiness, the resentment of life, the disengagement,

10:00 the disinterest in doing things. You have to see that whichever is the root cause, the symptoms are the same. The miserable man syndrome is the same. And obviously, the amount of fun you're having in your life can be a factor. If we are working hard and burning the candle, let alone both ends, just one end. So, like, life is all work and no play, then that's a factor as well. But there will be times when, whether it's through young children or through pressures at work, then perhaps that will be the case. But having plans to look forward to and memories to look back on is absolutely vital.

10:42 Speaking to your friends on a regular basis, friends and family on a regular basis, and having plans to go out and actually have some fun to see them, to invite people around to go for weekends at other people's or away together is absolutely vital. And the degree to which you can lead in that doesn't just make a difference to the people around you, it makes a difference to yourself. Suddenly, you're the leader in your life, that you're the captain of the ship. You're creating and making things happen. It's like the embers of a fire when you stir them in the morning, you breathe life back onto them, and you can put some fuel on there and you can get the fire going. It looks like it was burnt out and finished, but you've managed to bring the fire back to life.

11:25 The other non-circumstantial aspect of this is your body, your physical body, like what's going on for you internally. And this is something that I'm focused on a lot of the moment, really trying to understand where my energy levels are at and what's causing it. I've got blood tests booked in. I did send off and do the biomarkers thing. But then when I followed that up, the what would you call it there? Like the specialist, the advisor on the end of the phone said, you know, you probably should speak to your doctor and get a few more of these things tested. So at 51, that makes sense. It's an MOT test.

12:07 You know, your testosterone, your iron, your zinc, your vitamin D, your thyroid, all of these biomarkers are things that you should definitely be getting tested at 40 plus, let alone 50, you should definitely be getting your blood work done, your biomarkers checked to see that you have the right amount, your levels are at the right, at the right place. You know, vitamin D is a classic one. If you're deficient in vitamin D, that is literally the joy that the sun gives us. It's like a happy pill. And if your vitamin D levels are down, it's very difficult to be positive.

12:45 If your energy levels are shot and your testosterone is crashed, then again, it's going to be very difficult to find yourself in the gym working out and enjoying it. So it's not just some weird thing. Thriver is a service that I've used in the past and they give a great service. It's a bit expensive, to be honest, but it is a great service. What is it that you want for yourself? If you follow me on the socials or you're in the high value man email list, which you can get yourself in by simply going to highvalue manproject.com forward slash VIP, I think it is, might be forward slash newsletter, or might be both of them.

13:31 Then that'll put you on our newsletter list. And I've been talking this week about the importance of having clarity, of having direction in your life. This is a foundational element in your satisfaction and your energy and your drive and desire. If you don't know where you're headed, then how can you be excited about it? Or if you have a desire of where you want to go, but day to day, you know that the work you're doing, the effort that you're making, the relationship that you're in is taking you further away from that, then that will be a struggle. That will be miserable. It will be a drain on you completely. So I'm not really down with this woman saying miserable man syndrome and what are men going to do about it. I felt like she was putting quite a lot of blame out there. But then I wanted to take that and twist it and

14:16 actually look at what we can be responsible for. If you are irritable and chronically negative towards your partner, then that is not okay. It is a shit existence for her to be around that kind of person. Add to that if you're emotionally withdrawn and disconnected. Now, it's common that men, particularly around the area of sex, will feel like they're not getting enough, like they deserve more, you know, their relationship would be better if they had more. But what we need to do as men is check in that. that we are emotionally available to our partners.

14:55 We're tuned into how they are and what's going on for them. You know, particularly with women who are in their 40s and 50s, they're going to be perimenopausal and menopausal. Understanding what that's like for them, so that they're not just being a moody old bag is important. It shows a degree of understanding which shows that you love, care, trust, support her. In that space, she's going to feel more desire towards you, which is going to result in what you wanted in the beginning, which was why don't we have more sex in our life? Then the low energy and the loss of enthusiasm for life. If you've had your bios done and actually all those levels are okay.

15:36 By the way, I've got a living rack of supplements downstairs, which I've been testing over the last few months. Vitamin D, iron, biotin, B12, lion's mane, a multivitamin that's in there, enough protein, creatine on a day-to-day basis, L-tyrazine, they're like my morning stack. And in the evening, it's ashwagandha. I have taken some magnesium, been trying that. But to be honest, the magnesium seems to be messing with my, messing with me during sleep. So jumping around a bit, but that's the work that's being done there to actually support what's going on internally for me.

16:15 And then what can we do to support what's going on externally? That loss of enthusiasm for life, where you were once engaged and energetic and now you're drained and apathetic. Like you have to be responsible for that. What's that like to be around? If you're just coming in from work and slumbering on the couch and you're, you know, and you know it, you're no fun to live with. Whose fault is that? And if that transcends into avoidance and escapism, whether it's playing the Xbox loads or drinking loads or playing too much golf or just really doing everything you can to detach yourself from the stresses that you feel are in your life, relationship work, kids, whatever,

16:57 then that's not okay. You feel like you're sorting sorting out. You feel like you're getting away from the struggle, but what you're actually doing is just avoiding it. And the stress inside your brain of knowing that you're going to go back to that will be spiking your cortisol and adrenaline levels, which will lead to burnout. You can't run from this. You have to address it so that fundamentally, how you show up with that clarity, with that clear intention and purpose in life, with a drive and desire to be the man and dad that you want to be, then you will start to feel the rewards of that as you engage back in with your life, as you discover your purpose and get excited about it, as you find yourself in the gym sweating and

17:45 getting stronger. I would love to say that this woman was wrong and that no men do this. But my stand is that we all have a life that we love living, that we all can look in the mirror, that we can wash that body in the shower, that we can get dressed and go downstairs or get dressed and walk into a party and be, I am the man. I am loving what I'm up to. And so when someone else then turns at you and say, oh, it's all right for you, or you don't know what it's like, you'd be like, yeah, I do. I put the work in to create this. That relationship I've got there doesn't just happen by chance.

18:29 So that they end up saying to you at some point, how did you do that? I want to have the kind of life that you've got. So have a look. Have a look if there's a degree to which you are being that miserable man around the people in your life and then start to make the changes. You can replay this podcast and pick out the bits that I've stumbled through. I'm really aware this has been quite a struggle today. I don't know why. But maybe I'm having some sort of paranoia about being a miserable man. I know I'm not. It's okay. But use the structure that we've got inside the high value man project.

19:14 You can gain access to the tools inside of Basecamp if you go to highvalumanproject.com forward slash group. And an even better way of making the first step of choosing to participate in your life is to join the high value man inner circle. So if you go to highvalumanproject.com forward slash inner circle, you can join our premium group where we run accountability sessions on the Monday. We have the coaching calls on a Thursday. Any question answered on the Wednesday, we have... our fire tracker accountability tool, 3XC formula and the fire code program, which takes you through those 16 habits and routines for you to create the life that you desire.

19:56 That's all there inside the inner circle. And that's just at the moment at the founders rate is just £69 a month. So get in there at that level before the price increases. And as I say always, or I try to remember always, please share this podcast and please go and leave a review. It's dead easy via your mobile on Apple podcasts or via Spotify. I'm increasingly sending people to Spotify because it can be used cross-platform and everybody seems to have it. To be fair, I do. I've not used Apple Podcasts in years and I'm constantly on Spotify. So get yourself over to Spotify and leave a review for the Johnny Jensen show.

20:36 It would really help. Other than that, the power call is always available to you, but you'll get more details of if you just join the inner circle or the group. So, men, I appreciate you spending this time with me and I look forward to seeing you on the next episode. Let's go. Thanks for tuning in to the Johnny Jensen show. Be sure to subscribe, leave a review, and share it with fellow dads. Creating the life you deserve starts with you. Get your high value man blueprint and join our community of motivated modern dads at highvalumanproject.com. Let's go.