How To Give Yourself An Emotional Detox with Sherianna Boyle

00:00 In this episode of the Team Super Dad podcast, I'm talking an emotional detox, saving your marriage and yourself with internationally renowned emotional detox expert Sherry Anna Boyle. Roll theme. Welcome to Team Super Dad. Real dads creating their best lives ever. More time, more money, more fun. You are not alone. You're on Team Super Dad. Hey, welcome to the Team Super Dad podcast. My name is Jordan Jensen, your host and the creator and founder of the Team Super Dad community. Great as always to have you here with us. Welcome if you're a first time listener and welcome back if we've had you before.

00:43 I hope you're subscribed to the Team Super Dad podcast or maybe you're watching live with us. If you are watching live, then of course, as always, feel free to comment, to message in and we will bring you in as best I can or at least bring up your message as we are talking to Sherry Anna Boyle, who is waiting on the other side of the, you know, in the green room, in the Team Super Dad green room. Sherry Anna is a phenomenal author, internationally recognized author with some bestsellers all around the subject of emotional detox, which was such an exciting subject to bring into the Team Super Dad community, as we will get into in just a second. But the idea that we're walking around with all this emotional baggage and what is that doing to us?

01:26 Well, we're going to find out when we talk to Sherianna. And most importantly, we're going to talk about how to let go of it. So without further ado, let's bring in Sherry. Good evening. Good evening. How are you? I'm great. Good evening to you. It's an absolute pleasure to have you on the Team Super Dad podcast, as I was just explaining on the intro there. You are over in the States and you are a mum. As I say always, it is absolutely brilliant to have mums on the Team Super Dad podcast. We are totally committed to solid relationships, good women, equality, and basically just creating the best possible relationships we can.

02:10 And so, yeah, welcome. You are emotional detox coach and your bio, which was sent to me, is absolutely phenomenal. Author of eight books, including our most recent emotional detox, a master's in education, as well as a certificate of advanced graduate study in the School of Psychology from the University of Massachusetts. Like you definitely know your stuff and also your phenomenally successful cleanse life program and everything you do there. And you're also a yogi mum. So I just can't wait to get into this conversation and share with the Team Super Dad audience. We do have mums listen as well. So that's absolutely brilliant. And so yeah, once again, welcome.

02:53 How are you doing this evening? I'm doing great. Thank you. I've actually written nine books now. I have to update that bio. But that ninth one won't come out until fall 221. But it's like Garth and Wayne. We're not working. We're not worthy. I just can't forget it. It's like forgetting another child. You know, I don't want to leave it out of the mix. It's already been birthed. It's just not going to be released for a while. Wow, brilliant. And along the same subject, I dare say. Oh, yeah.

03:32 Yeah, it's another emotional detox book. Yes. Yeah. It's really important as well as getting your, you know, allowing you to introduce yourself. And I always like at the beginning of these Team Super Dad podcasts to actually get to know the person that we're speaking to. But just to set this all up. Yeah. You know, written this many books and not just written books because people can easily pump out a book on Amazon these days. These are translated into multiple languages, absolutely phenomenal bestsellers. Like, how, how did, you know, how's that happened? How has it been becoming not just an author, but a

04:10 successful one at that? Well, I never intended to write a book like a lot of people. I just, it really began with feeling a lot of anxiety. And I was leaving to become a mom, my, my job. I was on a leave of absence. I was pregnant. And then during that leave, I realized, oh my gosh, like now that I'm not working, I'm pretty anxious. I've got a lot of anxiety going on. So that's when I started to sort of write about. Okay.

04:48 And I was from the framework of when I go back to work, after I have the baby and I go back like a lot of moms and dads do, we'll have the baby. Then I'll go back to work. and then I'll figure it out from there. I really wrote the first book as kind of a guidebook to how do I want to do things differently? Because I can't go back to that and be a mom at the same time. I can't work 12-hour days and have little fraction of lunchtime. And I need to figure this out. So that's how it all came to be. And then one book kind of morphed into another book.

05:32 As it does, as it does. And so all your books and your program is around cleanse, the anachronym cleanse. And really, it's a whole lifestyle that you're preaching to people here. Tell us, you know, introduce us to that because I think that's going to frame this whole conversation, really. Sure. So after I wrote a book called Mantras Made Easy. And after writing Mantras Made Easy, I had an idea and it just kind of popped into my head. I like to preface it with Mantras Made Easy because when I was writing that book,

06:12 I was doing several mantras a day. I had probably three mantras going. And if you really look into a mantra practice, it's a real commitment. It's a three-month commitment, 180 times a day. It's about being devoted to. So I was in this place of being completely devoted. And one of my mantras, honestly, which some people might call this one an affirmation for whatever reason, was a mantra for my marriage. And I was asking to know the truth about my marriage.

06:54 And I was also asking for a marriage that was spiritually, emotionally, and physically connected. So I did this practice for 90 days. So when you do that, your vibration gets very high. After I completed Mantras Made Easy, it was published by Simon and Schuster. I'm literally walking out of the gym one day and I had just taught a yoga class. I have my mat all rolled up and I'm with my girlfriend. And I looked at her and I said, emotional detox. And she's like, what? And I said, I'm going to write a book on emotional detox. Now, I don't know why I was thinking about it.

07:34 I don't know why it came in, but that was what came in. And she said, well, that's a really good title. I like that. So I'm going to do that. So I started researching and really was, you know, I want to know more about emotions. I feel like we touch upon them, but we don't really dive in. And what exactly is an emotional detox anyway? Because again, I've read articles, I've seen little pieces, maybe a chapter here, but what is this about? So I started doing the research on emotion. Wiggle your mics. Thanks, Connor again.

08:22 Okay. There you go. You're back. I presented. You hear me? Yeah. Okay. My mic went off. I presented my research and the proposal to the publisher. And they said, okay, you've got something worth publishing. So I was excited and I thought, okay, this is going to be really great. Lo and behold, about six weeks later, I got some of the most tragic news of my life. And I'm taking you back to the fact that I had been doing mantras and I had asked, please tell me the truth about my marriage. Well, six weeks later, I find out some truths about my marriage.

09:06 And it really crushed me. I was really, it was such a traumatic thing at the time because it wasn't just me. It was from my family. We were all going through this. And so now here I am with all this data and research and a book deal. And I can't write anything. I'm a mess. I mean, I can't even get out of bed, let alone write a book. And then I'm thinking, who the hell am I to write a book? I'm a mess. Right. So I asked for extra time. They were very nice and gave it to me. And so emotional detox, that book really came from

09:49 both. It came from my own personal journey of needing to go on an emotional detail. detox, which ended up, you and I were just talking, being a blessing because I got to write it and I got to frame it more than anything, build a foundation for what is an emotional detox from inside out. I didn't just take what I read in books, what I got from out there. I had to now apply it and really create something. And I do feel that it was an incredible blessing.

10:27 And that's how the cleanse came to be, because I knew from my own personal journey, there had to be an acronym for the steps. Because when you're in trauma and crisis, you can't be bothered with, you know, a lot of people say, try this, try that. Try this tool. Try the talk to this person. Go to this person. And you're just like, you can't do that when you're in that state. And so I knew whatever I created, it needed to be something, it needed to be a structure. It needed to be consistent. And the cleanse isn't just individual steps.

11:11 Each one builds upon each other. So it unfolds very nicely, has a really nice flow, but it took me a while to get that flow. Yeah, totally. I mean, the, I guess what you're alluding to in that. So you're married and you've got some kids, and then you realize that your marriage is completely on the rocks, right? And that's, that was, that was what was happening. Yes. Yeah. How old were your children? Well, at the time, they were younger. I mean, they're older now. So, you know, boy, how old? I mean, they were all school age. So I had one in elementary, I had one in middle, and I had one in high school.

11:52 Now, they're all like a two-year, you know, just kind of over the edge. But three daughters. So old enough, especially the older two, old enough to, where you weren't going to keep anything from them. You know, when they, when they see their mom's a mess, they're going to ask questions. And so, and they're old enough where they can be brought into certain conversations in certain ways. The little one we sheltered a little bit more, but, but that was, yeah, I got the truth. That was what I asked for. And boy, did I get it.

12:32 I work with a lot of dads who are literally going through the separation. And I work with a lot of dads who are trying to rebuild or kickstart their life after the divorce. And it's a complex rebuilding process, some of it practical, a lot of it emotional. But I do know from chatting, you managed to hold it all together, correct? We did. Yeah, we did. We were still together. We're still married. And our children made it through. I mean, that's the other aspect. And, you know, my husband really is my inspiration.

13:14 He really hung in there. And I know he, he, we both went through a lot, but, you know, the way the person he is today is, I just, I'm just in awe sometimes of the transformation that he allowed. Yeah. Yeah. And the was there a, and I don't want to pry too much into your personal life, but there, you know, in terms of people quite often chuck the towel in, you know, faced with difficult news and circumstances, people, people fight and argue and chuck the towel in.

13:53 Was there a moment when you really realized together that you were going to hold, that you were like, okay, we're not going to do that. We're going to, we're going to try and stick this. We're going to stick this out. We're going to see it through. Was it a conscious moment or did you both come to it at different times? I had so much vibration in me from that mantra practice. I really believe that it was divinely orchestrated that way because I think the reason that he chose to, we chose is he saw how calm I was. I mean, there were moments, of course, of hysterical, but I knew he was actually much weaker than I was in that

14:42 it was very difficult for him to hear anything at all. And it's tricky because when you go to therapy, therapy, you're kind of taught, right? Speak your speak your truth, you have to hear this. And I am so connected energetically. It just, and I learned so much about emotions, it just didn't feel right for me. It didn't make sense because we would go to therapy and it would all come up. And he would be probably three days, he'd be down in shame.

15:21 Because, as you know, I know therapists don't mean to do this, but a lot of them have 50 minutes, maybe, maybe a little longer with couples, right? And a lot of stuff comes up and it's very difficult. And then you have to go home and try to, okay, now you can go back to work and you can go back to being a parent. And meanwhile, all this stuff is brought up. And we did that for a while. We had a few different therapists. And I just, at one point, I'll never forget it. We were in the therapy office, and the therapist got distracted. And she had to go, I don't know, and look at her phone or something.

16:05 And we were both just sitting quiet and not talking. And she's doing her thing. And I remember it's clear as a bell, I heard a very strong voice in my head. And the voice said, Don't answer the question. And she sits back down and she goes to do her thing. And I'm just thinking about this voice I just heard. And I'm going, okay, I can hear her. Now she's kind of in the background, you know. And I'm thinking, okay, I'm just going to kind of get through this. So we leave therapy and we're walking to the cars. I mean, we couldn't even be in the same car

16:49 because of the emotions, not because we were fighting. It was just too tough to even be in the to drive away together. And so I looked at him and I said, I'm not going back. And he said, What you're not going back? I said, I'm not going back. And if you want to go back and continue, go for it. But I, this is my last day. And I let him kind of make his own decision. And I never went back. And what I did was I went home and I asked about the voice, okay, I'm here. I'm going to sit down and I'm going to, what are you trying to tell me?

17:35 And that's when the cleanse started to channel through. And what I learned was how to tell the story without re-traumatizing yourself. Because so often we want to bring up the past. We want to get into it. And what ends up happening is you relive everything, everything, and including the emotions that get buried and suppress like shame and guilt and all those ones. And it's just really very, very tough on our systems.

18:12 And some people don't make it that way. And I knew I didn't think we'd make it if we continued in that way. Yeah. Do you mean that it makes as a couple or it literally kills you? I think I saw him slipping into depression. And I knew as much as the trauma was due to a very deep betrayal. And I write about it in emotional detox. I looked at him more from a, I looked at him in that moment as a human being. And I said, you know, I'm extremely, I mean, beyond hurt.

18:58 But at the end of the day, we've, we've had at that point, 18 years together. We have a life. We've worked our asses off. We have children, right? And it's not worth throwing all of that and getting into it. And I saw him, and I have daughters. And I knew they need a father. And they need, I can't have him go into some place. And I don't know if he could have gotten himself out. So my job, it wasn't really about the marriage.

19:36 It was about, let's not go there. Let's let's not get so deep and dark that now I. I don't just lose a husband, but my children lose a father emotionally. Yeah. Wow, that's not normal. It's a beautiful thing to hear, inspiring. And the thing I love about hearing that is that there's an expression I've used many times because I heard it before and I loved it. And it says, what one man can do, any man can do. What one woman can do, any woman can do.

20:12 What one couple can do, any couple can do. And there's so much animosity in relationship breakdowns, but to be able to see past it and to see a future for yourself, a future for your children is absolutely inspiring. And so not everyone thinks that, by the way, I want to let your listeners know. Some people did not understand and will challenge you. Sometimes you do choose the more peaceful path, and people just want you to be angry. They want you to, you know, because they're angry. How can somebody do that to you?

20:54 You know, they're upset or you're their biggest fear, right? They can't imagine that happening to them. And they go into what I call so much reactivity. So a huge challenge was I had to really believe in what I was choosing because so often people will, they'll say, oh, they're this, they're that. You could do better. I can't tell you how many times I heard that one. You could do so much better than that. You don't deserve that. And it just didn't help because

21:35 I don't know what you do with that information. No, not at all. But I can see that both on my personal experience and working with other dads to fix a relationship, and fix is a bad word, but you know, to repair a relationship, to heal a relationship, to transform a relationship and to rebuild it and to take it forward is a wonderful thing. But equally, to realize, okay, we are fundamentally different and it will be healthier for us not to be together. That's a powerful place to be as well. I do know another couple actually in Brighton who broke up and then got back together and repaired their marriage.

22:14 And she said to me the same thing: no one, no one encouraged us to do this. They've been back together now like six years. So everyone's like, oh, it's amazing what you've done. But she said for years they had to battle family and friends saying you two are ridiculous trying to put this back together. Yeah, amazing. And so the essence of this is all part of the cleanse process. And it's not just for people who are having challenges in their relationship. This is this whole life experience. Tell us about the benefits of either the cleanse process or what an emotional detox even is and what it can do for you.

22:55 So that's a good question. So emotional detox is, and that's what I had to build, a foundation. What exactly does this mean? And it's based on a mindset that our emotions are not the problem. It's how we've learned to react to them. In fact, Johnny, after I've been through this, you know, I've been cleansing for a long time now. And even after the first book, Emotional Detox, I really believe there is only one emotion and that's love. I believe everything else is a reaction. And I had to think that way in terms of whether you choose to be in a relationship or leave a relationship.

23:35 I do think it can be helpful to think in those terms because you can get so caught up in the details that if it's not love, it's probably a reaction of some sort. So what is a reaction? A reaction is the way we make the uncomfortable comfortable. And we've all learned to do that. How do I make what's uncomfortable or the fear of something more comfortable? And we get sort of beliefs and behaviors and mindsets. And sometimes it is pretty entrenched or even suppressed.

24:14 And sometimes these behaviors even travel through families. And so when it comes to an emotional detox, it's not about clearing the emotions. I want to be clear about that. Your emotions are valuable. They're resourceful. They're healing. They are everything. They are, they can be used for manifesting. And so, what you're clearing in the cleanse are your reactions so that the emotions can be completed. So, I think of it like a book, you know, you have the beginning, the middle, and the end.

24:56 Very often, we feel an emotion and we kind of cut it off. And how do we cut it off? Well, we have a lot of ways that we cut it off, and you and I can talk about that. Sometimes we cut it off by being the fixer, right? Trying to fix everything, trying to what I learned is, particularly if you're married, women don't like being fixed. I did find that out or fix finances or fix the house, or sometimes it's withdrawal, sometimes it's avoidance. I was just working with someone who does it by just preventing everything from happening, right?

25:37 I got to do this because I don't want this to happen, and yeah, yeah, exactly, exactly. So, these kinds of ways, which can we could call them defense mechanisms sometimes or coping skills, these are what we're cleansing because they're keeping you from fully digesting an emotion. And thinking of an emotion like food, that the if you have food that has chemicals on it or pesticides, it's not nearly as good as something that's organic from the earth, right?

26:17 Only instead of food, we are looking at reactions. So, you have an emotion that's pure, untainted by the stories and the narratives, or we have an emotion that has tons of reactivity on it, and that is all the ways that we try to prevent it. Sometimes it's blame, sometimes it's pointing fingers, all of these reactions. Now, you have these emotions with all this on it, and then you try to digest it. It's like, ooh, I don't like that, right? So, we want it pure. So, what we're cleansing every day, I recommend it as a practice.

26:57 We're cleansing all the reactions around our emotions so that they can be fully processed. And then, as they occur, they give us energy. And as we gain that energy, we gain vibration and we're able to see things from a new point of view. And it's usually a point of view that has more love-based okay. Well, perfect. We're going to go all going to go through that as much as you're happy to. Some of those emotions, just so people can tune into this. We're talking maybe anger inside a relationship, detachment, like not talking to each other, blame. You bought, you use the word blame. On a personal level, does that get into sort of addictions and things, gambling, everything,

27:42 absolutely. And it's all the same, honestly. That's what I've learned through the cleanse: is we could say, Well, well, they do it worse than I do it, they have this addiction. But the reality is, typically, particularly in a relationship, you're both not processing your emotions, you're both avoiding them in some way. You're just doing it. You're doing it in different ways. But it's usually, you know, it's interesting. Usually, couples, and this can even happen in friendships and co-workers, have the same reactive pattern.

28:23 They just play it out differently. And what I'm saying about the reactive pattern is they're both looking to avoid or prevent or control something. So, we're all part of a pattern. And as soon as one of us is aware of that pattern, then we can start to loosen it up. And then everybody can grow. Everybody has a little wiggle room now. Okay, it feels a little roomier in here. It feels a little, I got a little space inside myself. Even if it's not you, even if it's me, if I loosen up that pattern, which we're all a part of,

29:06 people feel that. Okay, all right, something's shifting. They might not be able to articulate it, but they sense it. And then they can start to, they can start to expand a little bit. Yeah. So, like one person fearing losing the other and the other person fearing being smothered. That would be a little bit more. Exactly. Exactly. Exactly. Yes. Yeah. Same pattern, just different, different way that it rolls out. Yeah. And this is where relationships just, especially after the kind of the honeymoon, the excitement sort of 18 months, it's where it starts to go a bit wrong because the joy, the euphoria, the sizzle starts to start to wear off.

29:48 And we start to then get a bit angsty, a bit anxious. It's usually there before the honeymoon. It's usually there before if there's some sort of a commitment. There's signs there. We are just choosing to, you know, denial is a reactive pattern. Yeah, wow. Right. Denial is one of the biggest patterns out there that we have. With me. When I was shouting that at my counselor, there clearly was something wrong with me. I would love a video of that. Defensiveness, right? Defensiveness is a reaction.

30:29 We get defensive. We take things personally. Yeah. Well, and what I'm hearing about all your work is there's a massive degree of taking responsibility for ourselves, right? This whole process that you're talking about starts. Does it start with taking responsibility? So as far as the cleanse steps, no, it doesn't start with that. It starts with really the C, which is called clear reactivity. The process starts by going inward within yourself. And that's the steps where I teach people how to do some centering exercises where you can just get in your body because it really begins with us.

31:13 And then the L is called look inward. And that's where we acknowledge the emotions, but we don't get into it. But we do need to acknowledge them. And we do need to acknowledge the situation. So I don't know. Do you have an example, Johnny, that you that you can remember that you've heard from someone else? Ask the question again to our situation or exactly what you're asking. So, for example, if there's something common that you see with your audience members, what do you hear most often as far as reactions towards

31:57 each other or themselves? If she wasn't like this, it wouldn't be like that. If he wasn't, he wasn't, you know, the classic one is each of them calling each other a narcissist. That's I get that a lot too. Yes. Real narcissism is a personality disorder. So we're probably talking about narcissistic behavior. And just so you know, in the throes of a relationship breaking down, most people exhibit some narcissistic behavior. So, but yeah, somewhere, well, he doesn't listen. She doesn't talk. There's two good, two good ones. Okay. So there's feelings underneath all of that, those examples.

32:37 So when you call someone a narcissist, you put a label on it. It really blocks feeling. I mean, you can sense that in your own body. If I label you as something, it's a way that I can numb and I can put a halt to what it is that I'm feeling because nothing will shut it down more than that, right? If somebody says, you know, you're crazy or this or that, it could just bam, it's done. I mean, energetically we shut down. And so that is something there's feeling under there. So when I call someone that name, it makes me feel.

33:25 And that's the space for growth. And there's layers there, right? So when you, when you call, when I, when I say he's a, he, he or she's a narcissist, it makes me feel probably nothing, right? Probably, probably numb. Probably, I mean, there's not a lot there. And, and, and so that, that numbing most likely has a history to it. Yeah. So it's like a freeze. And you think of that fight, flight, or freeze response.

34:06 And, and so that person likely has a history of freezing. And when when the when they're frozen like that, meaning I don't feel you, I don't see you, I don't hear you, right? That's a way that they, they kind of heat them. There's a way to put up walls. It's a way to become sort of invisible. It's a way to go into denial. So there's feelings under there, is my point. And that's what needs to be sort of uncovered. And then once we acknowledge that, then we go into the E, and that's where we add some vibration.

34:49 Because that's where I saw, like, if I brought this up with my husband, he would go down and he wouldn't get back up. He couldn't do it. He just couldn't. So you have to add in vibration, and that's where the E is. And then the A. No, about vibration, that's well, you can explain it probably better than I do, but it starts around the idea of our energy levels and the vibration that we're giving off and the fact that everything around us has a vibration. Can you give a probably a bit more eloquent? Yeah, sure. I mean, vibration, what I mean by vibration is movement.

35:27 Think of it as inner movement. So you think of the fight, flight, or freeze, or fix response. There's no inner movement in the body. So what that means is energy is not moving. Your emotions are made of molecules and atoms. I mean, they're at the purest form, their energy. And they have a physical and a non-physical anatomy to them. So what's nice about them is when you process them, they go into a state of movement. They start to increase in vibrational frequency. Think of it like a car.

36:07 So you can have a car pass you and it can drive slow. And you'd be like, okay, I know it was a Ford. I know it was a black truck. I saw it, right? There's a certain vibration, frequency of movement that you see that. But then you could have that car go whipping by you and you're like, I saw a car, but I have no idea what color it was because it went so fast, I didn't get any details. That's something that's a higher vibration. It goes faster. Your emotions, when they're the heavier emotions like guilt or shame, they are heavier, they're slower, they don't have a lot of movement to them.

36:53 So they stick around. So if you have a history of going to anger, it's likely because that emotion never has been processed and it needs vibration to move so it can be transformed into something lighter. And we would identify that as something like courage, something like love or even joy. So it raises your emotions will raise vibration. So when it comes to the cleanse, it is important we identify how we feel. So when I call her a narcissist or when she calls me a narcissist, right?

37:36 It makes me feel. And then, and then we breathe. Don't get into the story. Well, she does this and she always does this. It just makes me feel unworthy, angry. I mean, I'm imagining not good enough. Yeah, resigned, resigned, stuck, stuck, hopeless, right? There's a lot of emotion there. So we don't want them to, we don't want to stay down there, though. So then we add vibration, which is the next step of the cleanse, which is the E called emit.

38:20 And that is through the production of sound from your mouth, which is mantra. And I knew that because I had done so much work around mantras. So I absolutely knew there was going to be a mantra in the cleanse. And you said that the mantra, a mantra, is different than affirmation because, you know, there's some great channels on YouTube. You know, I am strong. I am powerful. I am, you know, I'm blessed. Money I know. Anyway, money comes to me in unexpected ways, you know, those kinds of things.

38:56 But that's an affirmation, right? How does a mantra differ from an affirmation? Well, what I found is it really works in the way I've the way the steps follow each other. So I'm not just, we have to be careful that our affirmations don't just be another way that we control what we're feeling. Like a fix, like a Band-Aid. Like a, it's, it's, it's prettier, it's easier, but it. if you just throw an affirmation on there or even a mantra, so you start to feel uncomfortable. Okay, I just got off the phone or I just got a text from my ex.

39:37 I'm angry, I'm upset. Okay, I am ease. I am love. I am right. I mean, if you went into that mantra, what are you really doing? You're not allowing yourself to feel. You're suppressing the emotion, which is not in itself. Because your intention is to get rid of it. It's all about intention. But if I get off that phone or get away from that text and I sit with that and I say, you know, getting that text just now made me feel. And then I breathe into that, rattled, upset, afraid, fearful, scared.

40:18 Then we've got some authenticity there. Then we pour on the mantra, which I, I, and I give a suggestion for that. So it's very different. That mantra becomes, it becomes something I'm connecting to rather than something that I'm just using in the moment to make myself feel better. There's a, there's a connection to this vibration because we are vibration. And then after the mantra, the E, we go into the A. And that's when we begin to visualize because so much of our triggers are on visual memory.

40:58 We don't just think things. We actually replay visually. And sometimes we do that with predicting, okay, great. So now they're going to do this. And I see it in my mind. Now they're going to say this. Now they're probably going to show up at my house and cause a problem or a scene. I can, sometimes I can see it. So the next is A, which is you visualize. So if I'm not calling someone a name, right? Which in some ways is a little bit of an attack, right? Let's face it. We might attack someone, their character. And that's our way of trying to prevent ourselves from feeling.

41:41 It's a protection. If I attack you hard enough, you'll stop or you'll get away from me. If I attack you, right, you'll go down. So we have to clear that attack. And everybody does this, right? So that would be in the hum. That would be in the mantra. I would be producing sound and I'm clearing the fact that I'm attacking instead of feeling. So now I'm releasing the attack. That's a behavior pattern. That's a thought. That's a defense mechanism.

42:23 Let me relieve this in me, this quality in me, because I bet you I've been around this. Either I've done it before or I've been around people attacking each other and I've observed it. Doesn't matter. What matters is I clear it. Then after that, we're in the A. What's the opposite of attack? Right? If you're not attacking someone, then what are you doing? Loving. Well, what's that? Accepting. Accepting. You could be accepting. You could, you know, you're, maybe you're listening.

43:04 I mean, that's what I, that's the way I would see it. If I'm not going to attack you, Johnny, then maybe I'm going to listen or I'm just going to take a, or I'm, I'm going to pause or I'm going to just be present. And so now I'm moving into the next steps, which is the N and the S, which is surrender. And now I'm allowing myself to get to know this space, which is another vibration, right? Because emotions are vibration of what it's like to be in that state of listening. I allow listening. I allow calm.

43:45 I allow wisdom, right? I allow growth. And then the E is ease, which is where you land in the, and who you've always been. And then that's the, that's the final statement of the cleanse. So it's about coming full circle, full integration, and, and really coming back to who we are. And that is we're pure love. And I can, in this, you know, you've got men listening to this, right? We're practically minds. minded. I can't understand that. Sounds a bit weird.

44:23 I don't even know how we're going to do it. But what they need to hear from that is and imagine a scenario where you're coming from work and you start to play out this everyday routine where she says, Where have you been? What time is it? Why didn't you pick up the milk from the grocery? Then he says, In his mind, she's always having a go at me. Why doesn't she give me a cuddle when I get indoors? Isn't she grateful? Like, so this starts to play out. And then, before they know it, the reaction to the familiar is defense and some sort of argument because the feeling is being

45:03 first in some ways suppressed, some way blocked, and some way reacted. And everything spoken about and you so beautifully explained is seeing that situation come up, feeling what's happening inside us, rather than reacting in an unmanaged way. We are consciously thinking, consciously absorbing it, and I guess repurposing it, coming, you know, coming, bringing forward a positive response, something that comes from inside us, which, if it is our wife and we're looking to stay in that relationship, we come back to love.

45:42 Like, actually, I don't want to argue with you. I want to, I want to talk. I want to find out how your day was. I want to give you a kiss. Like, they're the feelings that are really inside us. So, particularly over time in a relationship, those habits and routines and blame can get ingrained. And everything we're talking about here is recognizing the emotions that are going on inside. Am I understanding that quite right? Yeah, definitely. I think what you're definitely understanding is: I know everybody wants tools. Give me a fix, tell me what to do, give a practical tip. And I could certainly do that.

46:21 But what I've learned in this journey is the most important part is just to be aware of what it is that you are cleansing. So, typically, what we're talking about is a trigger. And in that case, that person's triggered before they even get to their wife. They're probably starting to already enter that pattern as they're driving home. Yeah. Right. And now you've got the thinking and the imagining and replaying. By the time they get it, all their wife has to do is say one word, and they're like, it's already there.

47:06 You went from A to Z because she might be doing the same thing. She might be preparing for him getting home and what that's going to be like. And so everybody's a little bit on the edge, a little bit of walking on eggshells, a little not sure what to expect. Am I going to be embraced or am I going to be barked at? And these are the things that need to be cleansed. So, what it is, is it's the thinking. Usually, triggers are identified by thinking. In the book, I lay all of this out so people can kind of see an emotional detox.

47:49 But if we're in that space of thinking and predicting, right? That would be predicting, projecting. That's what you cleanse. So that's what I need to choose to say to myself: I'm aware that when I'm making predictions and projecting and forecasting and judging, let's face it, it's all judgment. And that I'm suppressing something inside of me. I'm suppressing, could be, could be emotions that came up from work. It could be feeling inadequate. That happens a lot.

48:31 We don't feel adequate. We don't feel good enough. We don't feel like we're, you know, and so we manage that through these thoughts. Managing your emotions is not processing your emotions. So then we would cleanse, go through the process of predicting and controlling and judging. And that would be what you would, you know, when and when I am driving home from work or entering the house, you know, I feel could be nervous, could be worried.

49:14 Exactly. anxiety. Go ahead. So, the thing for people to catch themselves on that drive home is to consciously be aware that that's happening and put a different practice in place. So, then they're driving home and they're then the mantra, the yeah. So, practically speaking, what's someone doing when they're driving? Because I'm sure people can relate to this very personally, right? So, you're sat in the car, there's a bit of traffic. You're wondering, should I go? You know, is there a quicker way? She's going to be annoyed. Like, so just start to recognize, okay, those thoughts are coming.

49:54 What's what's what's that? Let's just imagine it, yeah, traditional sense. Okay, so the best case, the best case scenario is they're not doing this in the car, okay? No, for the first, just for the fact that they're new to the cleanse. Maybe it's before, maybe it's the car's off, maybe they're parked, okay? Get in their car just before they get home, they could wait up the street and be like, Yeah, we're gonna go in and it's gonna be another ding-dong when I get into something positive here. The best thing for triggers is we don't actually cleanse in the heat of the moment.

50:32 Yeah, the best time is to carve out maybe five to ten minutes a day where you sit down. I do it first thing in the morning, someone might do it before bed, and you just go through these steps and you do it as a way to process what you're feeling. That would be the best case because I really don't feel like anything in the heat of the moment really works very well, to be honest with you. I would have a practice, yeah, and then once they get enough vibration, the next step is so let's say they have a practice and they sit down and say, Okay, I know this is weighing on my mind, I know this comes up for me a lot.

51:15 I get anxiety when I come home, right? I'm anxious, so they sit down. You don't have to have it, you don't have to have it be happening. And they say to themselves, they go through a centering exercise. That's that's the C, the clear reactivity. They're in their body, they're present in their body, and that's when you say to yourself, When you know entering the house makes me feel, and when I know I'm gonna, and when I know I'm showing up late, it makes me feel. Or when I feel, um, and that's where you're gonna start to explore how does it feel walking into the house, and that's makes me feel you know, you're gonna observe, you're gonna inhale, you're gonna exhale.

52:06 There's probably some nerves there, right? There's probably some anxiety there. Then you're gonna add the vibration. Remember, you're doing this in a private time, acknowledging that this is a thing. Then you're gonna add your mantra. Now you have more vibration and awareness, okay? And then you're gonna visualize calm because that's really the opposite of anxiety, right? Is to feel calm, right? And present. And then you're gonna move through the steps and you're gonna allow that space and go. The best case scenario is after you run through those steps, you go to your significant other and you say, Are you available to have a conversation about

52:52 when I come home? And you have a conversation about what you need. You know, what I need as I'm transitioning, you know, are you available to have a conversation about me? Yeah, your mic's gone off again. Can you hear me now? What I need is: are you open and willing to let me have that drive home without any phone calls, texts, whatever it is that you need? You have to really know what you need first.

53:37 What do I need on that ride home? What do I need? Do I just need space? Do I need that half hour commute to just be silence? Do I need to be able to sit in my car for 10 minutes before I walk in the house? Do I need what is it you need? Yeah. And, but that can only come those conversations from a space of calm. Now, if you're divorced, what do you need when you pick up the kids? When I pick up the kids from your house, what I need from you is

54:15 right, but it's got to come from that space of calm, calm, love, calm, calm. And you're going to get that from processing your feelings because when you process your feelings, you get calm, you feel grounded, everything feels safe. When you feel safe inside, people around you are going to feel that safety and their behavior is going to change. If they feel threatened by you, if they feel like they're picking up on, ah, he acts like he's all calm, but he's not calm. If they don't feel it, they're not going to go for it. We have to feel safe.

54:59 And then eventually people are going to say, well, you know, he's changed. She's changed a little bit. Okay, maybe I can kind of back off when he picks up the kids. Maybe I can be a little bit more gentle and receptive and cordial. It's a process. But so the point to answer your question is, I would rather somebody do that privately. If this is something that's coming up a lot, sit in a quiet spot, have a cup of coffee with you, you know, get a drink or it doesn't have to be perfect. And just let yourself process what's coming up in that situation emotionally.

55:40 And the thing about any kind of practice like this is it's so healthy to do it, but it is a conscious step. And the irony or the weirdness of these kind of conversations is that we do the exact obvious subconsciously. So we'll ride roughshod over our life through unkempt emotions and responses. But then when we have a conversation like this, when it's explained, a really neat process to actually recognize and manage our emotions in a positive way. Some people sense, some people are like, oh, that's a bit weird. Like, I don't, they'll think I'm crazy if I go and do something like that.

56:23 But, but no, you know, the world has changed massively. The fact that we're having this conversation, how popular yoga and personal development and all these subjects are, whether it be on the bookshelves or video plays on YouTube, this is consciously taking positive steps to manage ourselves and our lives in a way that we can have the outcomes that we want, whether it's love, whether it's success, whether it's a relationship with our children, whether it's enjoyment of our work. These are all things that left to chance are probably going to go wrong. But handled like we're talking about here, with a book that's been so loved all around the world, it's obvious that it makes a difference to people.

57:06 And I really encourage people to go and get the book to check you out, to make this part of their personal life as well as their relationships together, divorced kids, work. This is about self-awareness and managing ourselves in an effective manner. Yeah, thank you very much for that. And I have to come back next fall with the new book because I did write 135 self-guided emotional detoxes in that book. So they'll be able to literally open it up and say, okay, take me through a detox.

57:45 Yeah, so we'll have to have me back. But for now, this book is emotional detox will give them a really, it really just shifts the way you approach things and it gives you a practice. And then emotional detox for anxiety, if people are looking for the step-by-step, it's in that book. Emotional detox for anxiety is the most current one, actually. Yeah. And at the risk of kicking off another whole subject, but you know, just to wrap this off, it's vital that people do this, isn't it? Because the health implications of knotting ourselves up, of holding on to negative emotions is documented.

58:27 It is real, isn't it? You know, it's, it's, you know, they've, they've looked at science with addiction. So for example, uh, smokers, and and they looked at the amount of time they took a puff on a cigarette. And what they correlated it with was an emotion of sadness. That every time they took a puff, they were suppressing an emotional sadness. So it's there. The science is there. They've they've looked at it. And so I, you know, my message is we've been taught what emotions are. their names, their labels. We have a sense of what they feel like.

59:09 We've identified that. But we haven't really been taught a guy. Processing. What a guy. And so and his team. I just look at it as it seems like a big deal. Oh, do a practice. It's Census and that. And I was excited. This is really basic. It's like to have him talk to him when it comes down. You never know what's going to come up. Just learning. And how to process everything. It was beautiful. We learned everything else. In particular, the bit about it. I didn't get the whole thing. So it's kind of like that year when he drank. He was getting half of the material and they left the second half of the manual. Right. Don't think of it as now I'm turning

59:51 that is a stretch. Just learn. What could you do for yourself that teaches you something about yourself? What processing is about? To really win something. Because it's already a part of us. You're emotional. They're there whether you like it or not. Because when you can do it in one area, you can do it in any area. And that's when the success is. Brush our teeth. We wash our teeth. Exactly. That really is what Team Slat is all about. Come on over to the Team Super Daddy. You can't bring that up.com every minute of the day. On the Start Here tab. And you've got a special link that will give you the show notes anyway, but there's to the podcast most suitable to your device, audio, the Android.

1:02:33 So it's something as simple as this once we just make it part of what we do in our everyday life. And I really encourage anyone listening to this to try it and to see the benefit that it can bring their life. Thank you very much. Yeah, you're really welcome. What a pleasure. What an absolute pleasure to have Sherianna on the podcast with us tonight. This subject, emotional detoxing, you know, carrying that amount of stress and strain around with us is actually dangerous. So I hope that was of value to you. Sometimes conversations are not easy to follow.

1:03:12 I'm sat here myself listening and thinking, okay, what do I do next? And what do I do next? And what did that mean? And why are we doing that? But that's how it goes. You know, when you're learning something, it's not always easy. It's probably a case of if you got value out of it, then you might need to go back and listen again or go and get one of Sherianna's books. She has got a couple of free things on her website. And I've shared lots of times about the different journey I'm on with my meditation, with forgiveness, with responsibility, taking blame out of my life, tactics around arguing with my kids and don't shout, hug it out. And, you know, there's a lot really is, you know, and if I could have learned it before I was 46, then that would have probably been better.

1:03:56 So that's my mission with Team Superdad is to bring you information to. to introduce you to experts and specialists who can help, who can save you time, who can make you more productive, who can give you a happier life, who can enrich your experience and have you be the best possible dad, the most awesome partner, husband, you know, whatever capacity that is for you, but just loving life, you know, absolutely living the life you desire rather than the life you feel stuck with. And if that's something that interests you, if you want to know more about that, if you want to suck that up, you want to get involved, then of course the place to be is the Team Super Dad community. The Hero Academy next intake is in January. The pre-register for that is the last two weeks of December.

1:04:38 So literally starting in a couple of days, Christmas Day probably. We've got some awesome bonuses wrapped up around that with Raymond, who's been on the podcast, with John Campbell, who's been on the podcast. John Boyce is going to do his Live Let It Be Easy program. So a whole load of bonuses for the people that sign up early to the intake of the Hero Academy in January. And now with just a few days, a week or so before Christmas, I hope you're ready. I hope you're going to enjoy it. Whether you've got plenty of money or not a lot of money, whatever life is looking like right now, focus on having a good time, loving the people that are important to you.

1:05:17 If you can't be with your family and your kids, then make the most of it. Get together with a friend. That's what I'm doing. It'll be all right. Play the long game and we're here for you. Remember, you're not alone. You're on Team Super Dad. I'll see you next time. Bye. This has been Team Super Dad. Find us at TeamSuperdad.com. Join the program and create the best life ever for you and your children. You are not alone. You're on Team Super Dad.