How To Give Yourself An Emotional Detox with Sherianna Boyle

00:00 In this episode of the Team Superdad podcast, I'm talking emotional detox saving your marriage and yourself with internationally renowned emotional detox expert Sherianna Boyle. Roll theme! Welcome to Team Superdad. Real dads creating their best lives ever, more time, more money, more fun! You are not alone you're on Team Superdad. Hey welcome to the Team Superdad podcast my name is Jonnie Jensen your host and the creator and founder of The Team Superdad community

00:36 Great as always to have you here with us. Welcome if you're a first time listener and welcome back, if we've had you before I hope your subscribed to the Team Superdad podcast or maybe you're watching live with us If you are watching live then of course as always feel free to comment to message in and we will bring you in as best I can Or at least bring up your message As we are talking to Sherry Anna Boyle who is waiting on the other side of the in the green room in the team super that agreement Sherianna is a phenomenal author, internationally recognized author with some bestsellers all around the subject of emotional detox which was such an exciting subject to bring into the Team Superdad community as we will get into in just a second. But the idea that we're walking around with all this emotional baggage and what is that doing to us? Well, we're going to find out when

01:28 And most importantly, we're going to talk about how to let go of it. So without further ado, let's bring in Sherianna. Good evening! Good evening. How are you? I'm great. Good evening to you. It's an absolute pleasure to have you on the Team Superdad podcast. As I was just explaining, uh, on the intro there and you are over in the States and you are a mom as I say always is absolutely brilliant to have moms on the team super dad podcasts we are totally committed to solid relationships good women equality and basically just creating best possible relationships where

02:10 And so, welcome. You are an emotional detox coach and your bio which was sent to me is absolutely phenomenal. Author of eight books including our most recent Emotional Detox, a Masters in Education as well as Certificate of Advanced Graduate Study in the School of Psychology from the University of Massachusetts. You definitely know your stuff and also you're phenomenally successful Cleanse Life program and everything you do there. And you're also a yogi mom, so I just can't wait to get into this conversation and share with the Team Superdad audience. We do have moms listen as well, so that's absolutely brilliant. So yeah once again welcome how are you doing this evening? Oh i'm doing great thank you! I've actually written nine books now...I have to update that bio

03:01 But that 9-1-1 won't come out until fall 2021. I feel like Darth and Wayne, we're not worthy! We're not worthy! I just can't forget it. It's like forgetting another child you know? I don't want to leave it out of the mix. It's already been birthed. It's just not going to be released for a while. Brilliant and along the same subject I dare say Oh yeah. Yeah, it's a, it's another emotional detox book. Yes. Yeah. It'll be really important as well as getting your, you know, allowing you to introduce yourself and I always like at the beginning of these teams who would have podcasts to actually get to know the person that we're speaking too but just, just set this all up yet written this many books and not just written books because people can easily pump out a book on Amazon these days. These are

03:59 Translated into multiple languages, absolutely phenomenal bestsellers. How did you know how's that happen? How has it been becoming not just an author but a successful one of that Well, I never intended to write a book. Like a lot of people, it really began with feeling a lot of anxiety and I was leaving to become a mom my job. I was on leave of absence. So I was pregnant and then during that leave, I realized oh my gosh like now that I'm not working, I am pretty anxious

04:40 I've got a lot of anxiety going on. So that's when I started to sort of... I really wrote the first book as kind of a guidebook to how do i want to do things differently because I can't go back to that. And

05:35 All your books and your program is around cleanse, the anacronym cleanse. And really it's a whole lifestyle that you're preaching to people here. Tell us... Introduce us to that because I think that's going to frame this whole conversation really. Sure! So after I wrote a book called Mantras Made Easy and after writing Mantras Made Easy I had an idea and it just kind of popped into my head. And I like to preface it with Mantras Made Easy because when I was writing that book, I was doing several mantras a day.

06:20 Look into a mantra practice. It's a real commitment. It's a it's a three-month commitment 180 times a day, it's about being devoted to so I was in this place of being completely devoted and One of my mantras honestly which some people might call this one an affirmation for whatever reason Was a mantra for my marriage And I was asking to know the truth about my marriage. And I was also asking for a marriage that was spiritually, emotionally and physically connected. So I did this practice for 90 days. When you do that your vibration gets very high. After I completed Mantras Made Easy it was published by Simon & Schuster

07:14 I'm literally walking out of the gym one day and I had just taught a yoga class. I'm going to write a book on emotional detox. Now, I don't know why it was thinking about it. I don't know why it came in but that was what came in and she said, well that's a really good title. I like that so I'm going to do that." So I started researching and really it was... You know, I want to know more about emotions. I feel like we touch upon them

07:52 But we don't really dive in and what exactly is an emotional detox anyway? Because again, I've read articles. I've seen little pieces maybe a chapter here but what is this about so I started doing the research on emotional... Wiggle your mic so it's going on again okay there you go I presented You hear me? Yeah. Okay, my mic went off. I presented my research and the proposal to the publisher and they said okay you've got something worth publishing so I was excited and I thought okay this is going to be really great. Lo and behold about six weeks later I got some of the most tragic news of my life

08:51 And I'm taking you back to the fact that I had been doing mantras and I had asked, please tell me the truth about my marriage. Well six weeks later, I find out some truths about my marriage and it really crushed me. It was such a traumatic thing at the time because it wasn't just me, it was from my family. We were all going through this And so now here I am with all this data and research and a book deal, and I can't write anything. I'm a mess! I mean, I can't even get out of bed let alone write a book." And then I'm thinking who the hell am I to write a book? I'm a mess right?! So I asked for extra time they were very nice and gave it to me. And so Emotional Detox that book really came from

09:49 From both, it came from my own personal journey of needing to go on an emotional detox which ended up you and I were just talking being a blessing because I got to write it. And I got to frame that more than anything Build a foundation for what is an emotional detox from inside out. I didn't just take what I read in books, when I got from out there, I had to now apply it and really create something. And I do feel that it was an incredible blessing. And that's how the cleanse came to be because I knew from my own personal journey

10:33 There had to be an acronym for the steps because when you're in trauma and crisis, you can't be bothered with... A lot of people say try this. Try that if try this tool, talk to this person go to this person. And you're just like, you can't do that when you're in that state And so I knew whatever I created, it needed to be something. It needed to be a structure and need it to be consistent and the cleanse isn't just individual steps each one builds upon each other. So in folds very nicely has really nice flow but took me awhile they get that flow. Yeah totally!

11:24 I guess what you're alluding to in that, so you're married and you've got some kids and then you realize that your marriage is completely on the rocks. Right? And that's, that was, that was what was happening. Yes. Yeah. How old were your children? Well, at the time they were younger. I mean they're older now so you know... Boy how old? They were all school age so I had one in elementary, I had one in middle and I'd won in high school. Now they're all like a two year just kind of over the edge but three daughters. So old enough

12:02 The especially the older two old enough to where you weren't going to keep anything from them. You know, when they see their moms a mess They're going to ask questions. And so, and they're old enough where they can be brought into certain conversations in certain ways. The little one we sheltered a little bit more but uh, but that was yeah I got the truth. That was what I asked for and boy did I get it! I work with a lot of dads who are Literally going through the separation and I work with a lot of dads who are trying to rebuild or kickstart their life after the divorce. And it's complex rebuilding process, some of it practical, a lot of emotional but I do know from chatting you managed to hold it all together correct?

12:57 We did. Yeah, we were still together and we're still married and our children made it through. I mean that's the other aspect. And my husband really is my inspiration he hung in there and He, we both went through a lot but you know the way the person he is today is I just am just in awe sometimes of the transformation that he allowed. Yeah yeah. And was there and I don't want to pry too much into your personal life but they're you know in terms of people quite often chucked the towel in faced with

13:47 Difficult news and circumstances people fight and argue in and chuck the towel in. Was there a moment when you really realised together that you were going to hold, like okay we're not gonna do that, we're gonna try and stick this out, we're gonna see it through? Was it a conscious moment or did you both come to at different times I had so much vibration in me from that mantra practice. I really believe that it was divinely orchestrated that way because, I think the reason that he chose to... We chose is because he saw how calm I was. There were moments of course of hysterical

14:31 But I knew he was actually much weaker than I was in that it was very difficult for him to hear anything at all. And it's tricky because when you go to therapy, you're kind of taught by speaker Speak your truth. You have to hear this and I am so connected energetically, it just... And I learned so much about emotions. It just didn't feel right for me. It didn't make sense because we would go to therapy and it would all come up and he would be probably three days down

15:20 And shame, because as you know I know therapists don't mean to do this but a lot of them have 50 minutes maybe. Maybe a little longer with couples right? And a lot of stuff comes up and it's very difficult and then you have to go home and try to okay now you can go back to work and you can go back to being a parent. And meanwhile all the stuff is brought up! We did that for awhile we had a few different therapists And I just at one point, I'll never forget it. We were in the therapy office and the therapist got distracted and she had to go...I don't know look at her phone or something. And we were both just sitting quiet and not talking and she's doing our thing. And I remember as clear as a bell, I heard a very strong voice in my head

16:19 And the voice said, don't answer the question. And she sits back down and she goes to do her thing and I'm just thinking about this voice I just heard. And I'm going okay, I can hear her now. She's kind of in the background you know? And I'm thinking okay, I'm just gonna kinda get through this so we leave therapy and were walking to the cars. We couldn't even be in the same car And I let him kind of make his own decision and I never went back. And what I did was, I went home and I asked about the voice. Okay, I'm here. I'm going to sit down and I mean it. What are you trying to tell me? Yeah. And that's when the cleanse started to channel through

17:38 And what I learned was how to tell the story without re-traumatizing yourself. Because so often we want to bring up the past, we want to get into it and what ends up happening is you relive everything Everything, including the emotions that get buried and suppress like shame and guilt and all those ones. And it's just really very tough on our systems. Some people don't make it that way. I knew...I didn't think we'd make if we continued in that way. Yeah do you mean they don't make as a couple or literally kills them?

18:26 I think, I saw him slipping into depression. And I knew as much as the trauma was due to a very deep betrayal and I write about it in Emotional Detox, I looked at him more from...I looked at him in that moment as a human being and I said you know, I am extremely beyond hurt But at the end of the day, we've had at that point 18 years together. We have a life. We've worked our asses off. We have children and it's not worth throwing all of that and getting into it when I saw him... And I have daughters and they need a father

19:22 And they need, I can't have him go into some place and I don't know if he could've gotten himself out. So my job it wasn't really about the marriage it was about let's not go there lets no get so deep and dark that now I just lose a husband but my children lose a father emotionally. Not normal. It's a beautiful thing to hear, inspiring and I the thing I love about hearing that is that there's an expression or I've used many times because I heard it before and I loved it and he says what one man can do any man can do what one woman can do anyone everyone will do what? What One couple could do anywhere anyway Any couple could do. There's so much animosity in

20:20 relationship breakdowns, but to be able to see past it and to see a future for yourself. A future for your children is absolutely inspiring. And so... Not everyone thinks that by the way I want to let your listeners know some people did not understand and will challenge you sometimes you do choose the more peaceful path and people just want you to be angry they want you to because they're angry How can somebody do that to you? They're upset or your their biggest fear. They can't imagine that happening to them and they go into what I call so much reactivity, so a huge challenge was...I had to really believe in what I was choosing

21:17 Because so often people will, they'll say oh there this there that. You could do better I can't tell you how many times I heard that one. You could do so much better than that! You don't deserve that and it just didn't help because...I don't know what you'd do with that information? No not at all but i can see both on my personal experience and working with other dads To fix a relationship, and fixes are bad words but to repair relationships to heal the relationship to transform our relationship into rebuild it in to take it forward is a wonderful thing. But equally to realize okay we are fundamentally different and this will be healthier for us not to be together that's a powerful place to be as well I do know another couple actually in Brighton who

22:10 broke up and then got back together and repaired their marriage. And, she said to me the same thing no one encouraged us to do this. They've been back together now like six years so everyone's gone oh it's amazing what you've done but she said for years they had to battle family and friends saying you two are ridiculous trying to put this back Yeah, amazing. And so the essence of this is all part of the cleanse process and it's not just for people who are having challenges in their relationship. This is a whole life experience. Tell us about the benefits of either the cleanse process or what an emotional detox even is let alone what it can do for you?

22:55 So that's a good question. So emotional detox is, and that's what I had to build a foundation of what exactly does this mean? And it's based on a mindset that our emotions are not the problem. It's how we've learned to react to them In fact, Jonnie after I've been through this you know I've been cleansing for a long time now and even after the first book Emotional Detox. I really believe there is only one emotion and that's love. I believe everything else is a reaction And I had to think that way in terms of whether you choose to be in a relationship or leave a relationship. I do think it can be helpful to think in those terms because you can get so caught up in the details that if it's not love, it's probably a reaction of some sort. So what is a reaction? A reaction is the way we make the uncomfortable comfortable

23:55 And we've all learned to do that. How do I make what's uncomfortable or the fear of something more comfortable? We get sort of beliefs and behaviors and mindsets, and sometimes it is pretty entrenched or even suppressed. Sometimes these behaviors even travel through families And so when it comes to an emotional detox, it's not about clearing the emotions. I want to be clear about that your emotions are valuable. They're resourceful they're healing they are everything they can be used for manifesting

24:40 And so what you're clearing in the cleanse are your reactions, so that the emotions can be completed. So I think of it like a book, you know? You have the beginning, middle and end. Very often we feel an emotion and kind of cut it off. How do we cut if off? Well there's a lot ways to cut it off and you and I can talk about that Sometimes we cut it off by being the fixer, right? Trying to fix everything. What I learned is particularly if you're married women don't like being fixed. I did find that out. Or fix finances or fix the house or sometimes it's withdrawal. Sometimes its avoidance. I was just working with someone

25:32 I These kinds of ways, which we could call them defense mechanisms sometimes or coping skills. These are what we're cleansing because they're keeping you from fully digesting an emotion and thinking about an emotion like food That if you have food that has chemicals on it or pesticides, it's not nearly as good as something that is organic from the earth. Right? Only instead of food we are looking at reactions so you have an emotion that pure untainted by stories and narratives or we have an emotion

26:29 There's tons of reactivity on it and that is all the ways that we try to prevent it. Sometimes, it's blame times sometimes its pointing fingers all of these reactions now you have these emotions with all this on it and then do you try to digest it? It's like I don't like that right so we want it pure so what were cleansing every day I recommend as a practice We're cleansing all the reactions around our emotions so that they can be fully processed. And then as they occur, they give us energy and as we gain that energy, we gain vibration and were able to see things from a new point of view. It's usually a point of view that has more love based.

27:18 Okay, well perfect. We're going to go through that as much as you are happy too. Some of those emotions just so people can tune into this we're talking maybe anger inside a relationship detachment like not talking to each other blame you use the word blame On a personal level, does that get into sort of addictions and things? Gambling... Everything. Absolutely! And it's all the same honestly that's what I've learned through The Cleanse is we could say well they do it worse than I do it they have this addiction but the reality is typically particularly in a relationship you're both

28:04 Not processing your emotions, you're both avoiding them in some way. You're just doing it... You're doing it in different ways but usually, you know what's interesting? Usually couples and this can even happen in friendships and coworkers have the same reactive pattern They just play it out differently. And what I'm saying about the reactive pattern is they're both looking to avoid or prevent or control something, so we're all part of a pattern and as soon as one of us is aware of that pattern then we can start to loosen it up

28:47 And then everybody can grow. Everybody has a little wiggle room now, okay? It feels a little roomier in here feels a little I got a little space inside myself Even if it's not you even if it's me If I loosen up that pattern which we're all apart of People feel that, okay. All right something's shifting they might not be able to articulate it but they sense it and then they can start to expand a little bit. Yeah so like one person fearing losing the other and the other person fearing being smothered? Exactly! Same pattern just different way that it rolls out

29:34 And this is where relationships, especially after the kind of the honeymoon excitement sort of 18 months it's where it starts to go a bit wrong because the joy, the euphoria, the sizzle starts to wear off and we start to then get a bit angsty. A bit anxious. It's usually there before the honeymoon. It's usually there before if there's some sort of commitment... There are signs there! We're just choosing to you know denial as a reactive pattern Denial is one of the biggest patterns out there that we have. Defensiveness, right? Defensiveness is a reaction and we get defensive. We take things personally

30:32 Yeah. Well, and what I'm hearing about your whole work is a massive degree of taking responsibility for ourself right? This whole process that you're talking about starts... does it start with taking responsibility? So as far as the cleanse steps no it doesn't start with that. It starts with really the C which is called clear reactivity The process starts by going inward within yourself. And that's the steps where I teach people how to do some centering exercises, whether you can just get in your body because it really begins with us and then the L is called look inward and that's where we acknowledge the emotions but we don't get into it but we do need to acknowledge them

31:26 And we do need to acknowledge the situation. So I don't know, do you have an example Jonnie that That you can remember or that you've heard from someone else. Ask the question again, is it a situation? Or what exactly are we asking? So for example if there's something common that you see with your audience members what do you hear most often as far as reactions towards each Each other. If she wasn't like this, it wouldn't be like that if he wasn't, you know the classic one is each of them calling each other a narcissist.

32:07 I get that a lot too. Yes, real narcissism is a personality disorder so we're probably talking about narcissistic behavior and just so you know in the throes of a relationship breaking down most people exhibit some narcissistic behaviors but yeah somewhere well he doesn't listen she doesn't talk there's two good ones Okay. So there's feelings underneath all of that, those examples. So when you call someone a narcissist, you put a label on it, it really blocks feeling. I mean, you can sense that in your own body. If I label you as something, it's a way that I can numb and I could put a halt to what it is that I'm feeling because nothing will shut it down more than

33:01 If somebody says, you're crazy or this or that it could just bam. It's done. I mean energetically we shut down and so that is something there's feeling under there. So when I call someone that name it makes me feel and that's the space for growth And there's layers there, right? So when you call... When I say he or she is a narcissist it makes me feel probably nothing. Probably numb. There's not a lot there and so that numbing most likely has a history to it

33:59 So it's like a freeze and you think of that fight, flight or freeze response. And so that person likely has a history of freezing and when the When they're frozen like that, meaning I don't feel you. I don't see you. I don't hear you right? That's a way to put up walls. It's a way to become sort of invisible It's a way to go into denial. So there are feelings under there is my point, and that's what needs to be sort of uncovered. And then once we acknowledge that then we go into the E and that's where we add some vibration because that's where I saw like if I brought this up with my husband he would go down and he wouldn't get back up. He couldn't do it.

35:01 So you have to add in vibration and that's where the E is. And then the A. No, about vibration that's a well you can explain it probably better than I do but it starts around the idea of our energy levels and the vibration that we're giving off and the fact that everything around us has a vibration. Can you give her probably a bit more eloquent explanation? Yeah sure! I mean vibration what I mean by vibration is movement Think of it as inner movement. So you think of the fight, flight or freeze or fix response there's no inner movement in the body so what that means is energy is not moving your emotions are made of molecules and atoms I mean they're at their purest form their energy and they have a physical and non-physical anatomy to them

35:53 So, what's nice about them is when you process them they go into a state of movement. They start to increase in vibrational frequency. Think of it like a car so you can have a car pass you and it can drive slow and he'd be like okay I know it was at Ford I know it was a black truck I saw right there's a certain vibration frequency of movement that you see that. But then you could have that car go whipping by you and you're like, I saw a car but I have no idea what color it was because it went so fast I didn't get any details." That's something that's a higher vibration. It goes faster. Your emotions when they're the heavier emotions like guilt or shame

36:47 They are heavier, they're slower. They don't have a lot of movement to them so they stick around. So if you have a history of going to anger it's likely because that emotion never has been processed and it needs vibration to move. So it can be transformed into something lighter and we would identify that as something like courage, something like love or even joy. So your emotions will raise vibration so when it comes to the cleanse, it is important we identify how we feel

37:29 So, when I call her a narcissist or when she calls me a narcissist it makes me feel and then we breathe. Don't get into the story, well she does this and he always does this... It just makes me feel unworthy, angry I mean, imagine not good enough. Yeah. Resigned. Resigned. Stuck. Stuck. Hopeless. Right? There's a lot of emotion there

38:09 So, we don't want to stay down there though. So then we add vibration which is the next step of the cleanse which is the E called emit and that is through the production of sound from your mouth which is mantra and I knew that because I had done so much work around mantras. So absolutely knew there was going to be a mantra in the cleanse And you said that the mantra is different than affirmation because, you know, there's some great channels on YouTube. You know I am strong and powerful. I'm blessed money. Money comes to me in unexpected ways those kind of things but that's an affirmation right? How does a mantra differ from an affirmation

39:00 Well, what I found is it really works in the way the steps follow each other. So we have to be careful that our affirmations don't just be another way that we control what we're feeling. Like a fix? Like a band-aid. It's prettier, it's easier But if you just throw an affirmation on there or even a mantra, so you start to feel uncomfortable. Okay? I just got off the phone or I just got a text from my ex. I'm angry. I'm upset. Okay. I am ease. I am love. Right? If you went into that mantra what are you really doing? You're not allowing yourself to feel

39:47 You're suppressing the emotion, which is not in itself. Because your intention is to get rid of it. It's all about intention but if I get off that phone or get away from that text and I sit with that and say you know getting that texts just now made me feel and then I breathe into that rattled upset afraid fearful Then we've got some authenticity there. Then we pour on the mantra, which I give a suggestion for that so it's very different. That mantra becomes something I'm connecting to rather than something that I'm just using in the moment to make myself feel better. There is a connection to this vibration because we are vibration

40:46 And then after the mantra, the E we go into the A and that's when we begin to visualize because so much of our triggers are on visual memory. We don't just think things, we actually replay visually and sometimes we do that with predicting okay Great. So now they're going to do this and I see it in my mind, now they're going to say this, now they're probably going to show up at my house and cause a problem or scene. Sometimes I can see it." So, the next is A which is you visualize. So if I'm not calling someone a name right? Which in some ways there's a little bit of an attack right let's face it we might attack someone their character and that's our way

41:39 I'm And everybody does this, right? So that would be in the hum. That would be in the mantra I would make producing sound and I'm clearing the fact that I am attacking instead of feeling so now I'm releasing the attack. That's a behavior pattern

42:18 That's a thought. That's a defense mechanism, let me relieve this in me, this quality in me because I bet you I've been around this either I've done it before or I've been around people attacking each other and I've observed it doesn't matter what matters is I clear it then after that we're in the A what's the opposite of attack? If you're not attacking someone, then what are you doing? Loving. Embracing. Accepting. What's that? Accepting. You could be accepting. Maybe you're listening. That's the way I would see it if I'm not going to attack you Jonnie then maybe I'm gonna listen or I'm just gonna take a... Or I'm gonna pause or I'm gonna just be present

43:20 And so now I'm moving into the next steps, which is the N and the S which is surrender. Now I'm allowing myself to get to know this space which is another vibration because emotions are vibration of what it's like to be in that state of listening. I allow listening. I allow calm. I allow wisdom I allow growth and then the E is ease, which is where you land in who you've always been. And then that's the final statement of The Cleanse. So it's about coming full circle, full integration and really coming back to who we are and that is pure love

44:14 And I can, in this you know you got men listening to this right? We're practically minded. Like trying to understand that like that sounds a bit weird don't even know how we're going to do it but what they need to hear from that is an imagine a scenario where you're coming from work and then you start to play out these everyday routine where She says where have you been what time is it why didn't you pick up the milk from the grocery then he says in his mind she's always having a go at me why doesn't she give me a cuddle when I get indoors isn't she grateful like so this starts to play out and then before they know it, do we action to the familiar. Is defense and some sort of argument

45:00 Because the feeling is being suppressed, some way blocked and some way reacted. And everything you've spoken about and you so beautifully explained is seeing that situation come up It's feeling what's happening inside us rather than reacting in an unmanaged way. We are consciously absorbing it and I guess repurposing it, bringing forward a positive response something that comes from inside us which if is our wife and we're looking to stay in that relationship, we come back to love like actually don't want to argue with you

45:45 I want to talk, I want to find out how your day was. I want to give you a kiss." Like they're the feelings that are really inside us so particularly over time in a relationship those habits and routines and blame can get ingrained but everything we're talking about here is recognizing the emotions that go on inside. Am i understanding that quite right? Yeah definitely! I think what you're definitely understanding I know everybody wants tools, give me a fix. Tell me what to do. Give a practical tip and I could certainly do that but what I've learned in this journey is the most important part is just to be aware of what it is that you are cleansing so typically what we're talking about as a trigger

46:36 And in that case, that person's triggered before they even get to their wife. They're probably starting to already enter that pattern as they're driving home. Yep. Right? And now you've got the thinking and the imagining and replaying by the time they get it... All their wife has to do is say one word and they're like It's already there. You went from A to Z because she might be doing the same thing, she might be preparing for him getting home and what that's going to be like and so everybody is a little bit on the edge, little bit of walking on eggshells, a little not sure what to expect or am I going to be embraced? Or am I gonna be barked at

47:31 And these are the things that need to be cleansed. So what it is, and it's the thinking usually triggers are identified by thinking in the book I lay all of this out so people can kind of see an emotional detox but if we're in that space of thinking and predicting right? That would be predicting projecting. That's what you cleanse So, that's what I need to choose to say to myself. I'm aware that when I making predictions and projecting and forecasting and judging let's face it all judgment and that I am suppressing something inside of me. I'm suppressing could be emotions that came up from work. It could be feeling inadequate

48:30 That happens a lot. We don't feel adequate, we don't feel good enough and so at...we manage that through these thoughts. Managing your emotions is not processing your emotions. So then we would cleanse go through the process of predicting and controlling and judging And that would be what you would, you know when and and when I am driving home from work or entering the house. You know, I feel could be nervous could be worried anxiety go ahead. So the thing for people to catch themselves on that drive home is to consciously be aware of that's happening and put a different practice in place so then they're driving home

49:32 The mantra, the... Practically speaking what's someone doing when they're driving? Because I'm sure people can relate to this very perfectly. So you sat in the car there was a bit of traffic and you're wondering should i go is there a quicker way she's going to be annoyed like so just start to recognize okay those thoughts are coming What's that? Let's just imagine it in a traditional sense. Okay, so the best case scenario is they're not doing this in the car. Just for the fact that they're new to the cleanse

50:09 Maybe it's, maybe it's the car is off. Maybe they're parked. Okay? Get in their car. Just before they get home and they can wait up the street and be like, yeah, we'll go to go in and there'll another ding dong when I'm going to do something positive here. The best thing for triggers is we don't actually cleanse in the heat of the moment. The best time is to carve out maybe five to 10 minutes a day where you sit down. I do it first thing in the morning, someone might do it before bed and you just go through these steps and you do it as a way to process what you're feeling. That would be the best case because I really don't feel like anything in the heat of the moment really works very well, to be honest with

50:58 I would have a practice. And then once they get the enough vibration, the next step is... So let's say they have a practice and they sit down and say, okay, I know this is weighing on my mind. I know this comes up for me a lot. I get anxiety when I come home. Right? So they sit down, you don't have to have it be happening. And they say to themselves... They go through a centering exercise that's the C, the clear reactivity. They're in their body, they're present in their body and that's when do you say to yourself? When entering the house makes me feel and when I know I'm showing up late

51:49 It makes me feel, or when I feel... And that's where you're going to start to explore. How does it feel walking into the house? And that makes me feel and you're going to observe, you're gonna inhale, you're gonna exhale. There's probably some nerves there, right? There's probably some anxiety there then you're going to add the vibration. Remember, you're doing this in a private time acknowledging that this is a thing Then you're going to add your mantra. Now, you have more vibration and awareness. Okay?

52:25 And then you're going to visualize calm because that's really the opposite of anxiety, right? Is to feel calm and present. Then you're gonna move through the steps and allow that space. The best case scenario is after you run through those steps, you go to your significant other and say are you available to have a conversation about when I come home And you have a conversation about what you need. What I need as I'm transitioning, are you available to have a conversation about me? Your mic's gone off again. Can you hear me now? What I need is are you open and willing to let me have that drive home without any

53:30 Phone calls, texts. Whatever it is that you need. You have to really know what you need first. What do I need on that ride home? What do I need? Do I just need space? Do I need that half hour commute to just be silence? Do I need to be able to sit in my car for 10 minutes before I walk in the house? What is it you need? But that can only come, those conversations from a space of calm. Now if you're divorced what do you need when you pick up the kids? When I pick up the kids from your house

54:12 What I need from you is, right? But it's got to come from that space of calm. Calm. Love it! Calm and you're going to get that from processing your feelings because when you process your feelings, you get calm, you feel grounded if everything feels safe when you feel safe inside People around you are going to feel that safety and their behavior is going to change. If they feel threatened by you, if they feel like they're picking up on he acts like he's all calm but he's not calm. If I don't feel it, they're not gonna go for it. We have to feel safe and then eventually people are gonna say well, she's changed a little bit

55:05 Okay. Maybe I can kind of back off when he picks up the kids, maybe I can be a little bit more gentle and receptive and cordial." It's a process but so the point to answer your question is I would rather somebody do that Privately, if this is something that's coming up a lot sit in a quiet spot have a cup of coffee with you. You know get a drink or it doesn't have to be perfect and just let yourself process what's coming up in that situation emotionally. And the thing about any kind of practice like this is so healthy to do it but it is a conscious step and the irony or the weirdness of these kinds of conversations

55:52 We do the exact obvious subconsciously so we'll ride roughshod over our life through unkempt emotions and responses. But then when we have a conversation like this, it's explained in really neat process to actually recognize and manage our emotions in a positive way Some people sense, some people are like that's a bit weird. They'll think I'm crazy if i go and do something like that but no the world has changed massively the fact we're having this conversation

56:28 or popular yoga and personal development. And all these subjects are, whether it be on the bookshelves or video plays on YouTube this is consciously taking positive steps to manage ourself and our lives in a way that we can have the outcomes that we want. Whether its love, whether its success, whether relationship with our children, whether enjoyment of our work these are all things left to chance are probably going go wrong But handled like we're talking about here, with a book that's been so loved all around the world. It is obvious that it makes a difference to people and I really encourage people to go and get the book to check you out too, make this part of their personal life as well as their relationships together divorced kids work. This is about self-awareness and managing ourselves in an effective manner

57:26 Yeah, thank you very much for that. And I have to come back next fall with a new book because i did write 135 Self-guided emotional detox is in that book. So they'll be able to literally open it up and say, okay take me through a detox. Yeah so we'll have to have you back but for now this book is Emotional Detox will give them a really... It really just shifts the way you approach things and it gives you a practice And then Emotional Detox for Anxiety, if people are looking for the step-by-step it's in that book. Emotional Detox for Anxiety is the most current one actually

58:10 Yeah, and at the risk of kicking off another whole subject but just to wrap this up. It's vital that people do this isn't it because the health implications of knotting ourself up, holding on to negative emotions is documented it is real isn't it? Oh yeah You know, they've looked at science with addiction. So for example smokers and they looked at the amount of time they took a puff on a cigarette and what they correlated it with was emotion of sadness that every time they took a puff, they were suppressing an emotional sadness so it's there. The science is there. They've looked at it

58:59 And so I, you know my message is we've been taught what emotions are. Their names their labels we have a sense of what they feel like we've identified that But we haven't really been taught how to process them. What a guy! And so, I just look at it as it seems like a big deal... It reached out to me through our podcasting connections and I was excited too, you know, having wanted to talk to him but you never know what's going to come up in these conversations and as always it was brilliant. We learned everything else but didn't get the whole thing So it's kind of like getting half of the material and they left the second half of

1:01:40 Yeah, so that's at cleanselife.com. I'm just posting that now as well. Thank you very much! So yeah, so there for people who are watching they are just in the comments now on Facebook YouTube Periscope waiting for our LinkedIn live streaming permission. But if you are listening on the podcast and it'll be in the show notes for whatever app you're listening onto but cleanse life as that is at sounds dot com and Sherianna Boyle Exactly if you type in Sherianna it pretty much comes straight up. Sherianna Boyle with a B-O-Y-E, that's absolutely fabulous. It has been a real pleasure to have you on here and on the one hand it sounds a bit complex doesn't it but thats sort of the detail of it but just on a practical level I mentioned a second ago we brush our teeth every day so its something as simple as this once

1:02:36 Just make it part of what we do in our everyday life. And I really encourage anyone listening to this to try it and see the benefit that they can bring their life. Thank you very much! You're really welcome What a pleasure, what an absolute pleasure to have Sherianna on the podcast with us tonight. This subject emotional detoxing you know carrying that amount of stress and strain around with this is actually dangerous so I hope that was of value to use some sometimes conversations are not easy to follow now there

1:03:12 Now I'm sat here myself listening and thinking, okay what do i do next? And what do i do next and what does that mean and why are we doing that. But that's how it goes you know when you're learning something It's not always easy! It's probably a case of if you got value out of it then you might need to go back and listen again or Go and get one of Sherianna's books She has got a couple of free things on her website and...and I've shared lots of times about the different journey I am on with my meditation With forgiveness And

1:04:03 Help who can save you time, who can make you more productive. Who can give you a happier life? Who could enrich your experience and have you be the best possible dad, the most awesome partner husband in whatever capacity that is for you but just loving life And of course, the podcast is brought to you by the team at Superdad.com.

1:04:45 Raymond has been on the podcast with John Campbell who's been on the podcast, Jon Boyes is going to do his Live Let It Be Easy program. So a whole load of bonuses for the people that sign up early to the intake of The Hero Academy in January and now I'm This has been Team Superdad. Find us at teamsuperdad.com Join the program and create the best life ever for you and your children! You are not alone, you're on Team Superdad