Being The Fixer Won't Make You Happy

00:00 Are you the fixer? Always helping out other people, expecting that's going to give you the joy and happiness you desire. Then you're looking in the wrong place if you put yourself last, you're gonna feel like that! This is The Jonnie Jensen Show welcome... Roll Theme Welcome to The Jonnie Jensen Show, where modern dads discover how to create the true riches relationships and results they deserve. Get your High Value Man blueprint and join our community at highvaluemanproject.com Let's go! Hello men welcome to The Jonnie Jensen Show yes you are back here I am the founder and head coach of The High Value Man Project and we are helping serving

00:50 Mainly business owning over 40s dads across the world helping them create the life they deserve not one they feel stuck in. If you've been listening before then welcome back if it's your first time then good to have you here. Let me know in the comments where you found us, who recommended you and what exactly is your hoping to get from this? Like I said The High Value Man Project is our community its our program for modern dads really men to level up and create the life and success both at home and work that they deserve Too many men are getting this wrong and today's episode is all about being the fixer. Ah, the fixer! Yes I am fairly or certainly in my past i've been fairly guilty of being the fixer thinking that if you can just fix everybody else's problems fixing...you know keeping everything else together

01:44 The And I'm going to be talking about the Jonnie Jensen Show, and it's a podcast that you can listen to on your phone. It's called The Jonnie Jensen Show. And this is a podcast where we're going to talk about how to get into the Jonnie Jensen Show. So let me start by saying that I am not an expert in this area of podcasting. I don't know if anyone else knows what a podcast is or doesn't know what a podcast is but I do know that there are two main things that people need to understand when they're listening

02:33 They're playing the role of fixer rather than that of true leader. And it's, I don't know we know it is a common problem Because as men we want to look after, well I say as men. A large percentage of men feel like they've got to provide and be there, be the man, be the dad, be the husband, be the boss and of course when you take on those roles naturally there comes a level of responsibility with that and that's right Totally justified and putting yourself in that position means that you're going to need to take on those responsibilities. However, the big mistake comes when you put your own needs and wants and goals health even... To the back!

03:23 Because like anything, you know if you've got a list of jobs to do there'll always be that one job that ends up going into the back and never getting done. And quite often in that scenario it will be the thing that you want to do most. You know various men inside The High Value Man Project will have something they're trying to learn. Like Italian or learning the piano is one particular guy trying to learn both at the same time right? And of course in the busyness of life, what comes last? What comes last is those two things. And then he's like I just ain't got time to do these things and I said I was going to do them and now it's on my list and i'm feeling crap about that! It's not sustainable if you put everybody else first... You'll have heard me say this all the time If you put everybody else first you're naturally going to come last So what then kicks in is some kind of survival mode

04:23 Where it's like I've got to fix everybody else i did this in my marriage. I thought if i could fix everything else that was going wrong and they weren't things that were in my control they were things that were more someone else is, Domain let's call it if we go down that direction. And quite often people don't like being fixed whilst they appreciate your help right the degree to which you can change someone or fix something might actually be outside of your control so that in itself is horribly frustrating and unsustainable,

05:05 You are not leading in your life, then those who look to you for you to be that person are going to be disappointed. And then it's just gonna make the whole thing seem even worse because I'm doing all this for you and now pissed off with me or how dare you? That phrase gets thrown at me a lot they don't appreciate me so you can see that it all starts to stack up as this fixer is not really the role that you want to take And in terms of the high value man work, it falls very much into the nice guy syndrome. Doing everything for everybody else with an expectation that it's going to provide you with a reward but...it just doesn't work and over and over again The number of men who are feeling unfulfilled and dissatisfied frustrated even resentful

05:55 They are the common problems that are brought up in group events, in one-on-one welcome sessions breakout sessions. We call them the blueprint call these these are the common things that come up so this solution moving from fixer to leader in your life right three steps three steps to break in the fixer cycle you've got to start by prioritizing yourself self leadership leadership in your own life and that will come In the first instance, really by having clarity around who you are where you're headed. We call that the first of three C's in 3XC formula for living is about deciding what those things are and then setting boundaries these are in boundaries for your own growth and satisfaction if you keep on taking on every task or problem of everybody else's and leaving yours to last You're not really

06:54 Going to be able to sustain that and you're going to end up burnt out, unfulfilled and pissed off. So you have to put in place self leadership number two You gotta communicate those boundaries because it's no point just simply going out and doing a right sod you lot I'm gonna go do this all for myself And leaving those people like confused and particularly if this comes out the blue and you just flip flop from one way of being to another Communicating those boundaries so that lets other people know I'm still here for you but i've got to do this for me as well. People respect boundaries when they're set clearly, it's when they're not set clearly that the confusion and arguments come

07:40 No the classic one is to bloke playing golf all the time. That's not really given a game of golf can take like two or three hours right it's not really responsible in regards to the relationship or maybe there's a project that you're responsible for But if in terms of your own well-being and happiness and social connections, even a degree of fitness that you're going to do that once a week. Then you're gonna set that boundary and communicate it well managing your diary in their time so everybody feels understood and appreciated but you'll getting that piece done And then taking ownership of your own path It's about shifting the focus

08:26 Not off everyone else because you're selfish, but shifting it off them onto your own goals and growth. Because that's how you can be more in leadership isn't about solving every problem is about setting example and staying true to what matters to you most that's where you get the respect and you inspire those around you either take on that way of being in their own life Also either but they allows them to take on that way of being in their own life and also have more respect for you so that fosters a greater sense of support and excitement. And the all of you being lifted up, all of you reaching the heights that you want to do as opposed to you constantly feeling like your carrying the burden of holding them up

09:16 Stopping being a fixer isn't actually that easy at first, particularly if that's the way you've been and you've been like it in let's say a relationship for a long time. So you're going to have to bring it to the table It's gonna have to be something that you try on and work through yourself In order to create this new habit This new space This new way of communication And you got follow through as well You can't suddenly flake out off what you said that your committed too So and the High Value Man Project, this cuts across multiple tenets of the work. You know the 3XC formula for living is clarity courage and commitment you can see inside those three C's that we've touched on each through this conversation. Clarity about where your going, the courage to speak up take responsibility in be your true self and then a commitment to follow it through

10:13 And let me be clear, it doesn't mean that you stop suddenly being there for everybody else. That you stop suddenly doing everything for... well, you stopped doing anything for others It's just that you stopped doing everything It is kind of a human nature to take the piss. We know this from our kids, right? If you keep doing everything for them they ain't never gonna learn I mean it's a classic one when they're toddlers and you start to try and stop them sitting in their buggy all the time They get the asshole because they want to sit in their buggy Teenagers, if you constantly make their bed and put their clothes away I'm pretty sure and bloody hell I haven't cracked this yet but they're never going to start doing that if you constantly do it for them. And good on my lad he did remarkably for some unknown reason last week not just tidy his room but also polished and hoovered as well so yes there is a slim hope that its coming together

11:12 And then commitment, you know it's about having the structure in place building up the habits and routines for you to actually embrace this new sense of putting myself first so that I can achieve and then being more for others. If you don't do that if you say you're going to do it and then flipping flake out inconsistent not showing up as the person Said you were gonna be both to yourself and to others then the impact is going to be worse. You're gonna lose the trust and respect of those around you, you're gonna lose that sense of integrity inside of yourself there's nothing worse than laying there knowing you should be at the gym but feeling like you can't be asked that will bleed into and screw up your whole day so The Role Of The Fixer

12:03 It's unsustainable, it's wholesome and it's got a lot of merit in terms of being a good guy. Okay but when it ends up being nice guy syndrome stuff where you're constantly being that for everybody else and not yourself then you're screwed! You're not showing up as the man and the leader in your life that you want to be there is no surprise at people around you aren't going to respect that if you want to show up more For yourself and for those around you in your life, then I invite you to come and get on board the High Value Man Project. The Inner Circle where we work as a group is always available and i invite you to comment on this wherever you're watching or listening to it or go to the highvaluemanproject.com and choose the level that is most appropriate for you

12:58 There is a group which you can, which is still based on Facebook at the moment. Seems everybody's jumping on school and we may well do that but for the moment if you go to highvaluemanproject.com forward slash group that will get you into the group as load of free resources inside the guide section there as well. That'll also put you on email list and make sure that you're invited to all our upcoming trainings and events You know the life that you desire is wholly on you. It is your way of being right now that's holding you back, giving you this experience less than you desire. Do you think it's other people doing this to you? It's not!

13:39 It's a degree of responsibility like slowing down time in order that you can look at it and see how your way of being as a man is having other people operate around you. It is upside down and backward, it will kick you into bollocks if you keep thinking other people are causing this, other people are not understanding. It's not the case! You're creating the space for it to be that way and The High Value Man Project is about living a life On fire, a living life of high value standards such that all boats rise. A rising tide lifts all boats and that's what I want for you! Thank you for listening be sure to like and subscribe leave review on Apple Podcast or Spotify it is real help and share this with other men in your life. I'll see you on the next episode

14:34 Thanks for tuning in to The Jonnie Jensen Show. Be sure to subscribe, leave a review and share it with fellow dads! Creating the life you deserve starts with YOU. Get your High Value Man blueprint and join our community of motivated modern dads at highvaluemanproject.com Let's go