Episode 22: Why some people connect with you and others don't

00:54 You're listening to The Business of Stories with Susan Paton, showing you how to share stories that do the selling in your business so you don't have too. It was February 2025 and I was coming to the end of a big launch. I'd done a five-day challenge with about 2 000 people in the group So it had been very full on with lots of posts and videos and comments and lives And, as always the inevitable tech issues had arisen. Facebook was being glitchy and not showing us all the comments so some people's requests for feedback got missed and one night it wouldn't let me go live at all so we had to switch last minute to doing the Q&A on Zoom but I got through it and did the best I could given that the issues were out of my control then I got an email

01:51 From someone saying that they wanted to let me know that they would not be joining my group program, Storytelling Mastery because of my apparent tech incompetence. And you know what? I got it! If working with someone who was super polished and very tech savvy was important to them I probably wasn't the right person, because I do seem to have more than my fair share of tech issues. Especially in big live launches! But knowing that I wasn't a good fit was helpful information that might have saved them from joining a group with someone who wasn't a good fit. That's a win-win for both us. So I replied and said no problem at all – I completely understand and thank you for letting me know

02:43 I genuinely thought it was a positive outcome for both of us and meant they could go and find someone else that felt a better fit. The next day, I got another email from someone else this was someone telling me they had just jumped into Storytelling Mastery and were super excited to get going! They said they felt like they'd really got to know me over the last five days and they felt very connected to me and couldn't wait to start working with me And here's the bit that made me laugh. They said one of the things they loved was how I dealt with all the tech issues that came up, with humour and good spirits and that helped them see that I was a great fit for them! They said I would love to be calm and deal with things that come up in the way you do so I'm excited to learn from you. So the very thing that put someone off working with me

03:43 And how great is it that the person who did jump into the program, did so because they'd seen who I am and what I'm about and how I work and how I come across and how I deal with things. That's great information for them! And when you are true to who you are, when you stop trying and be something or not. When you show up a hundred percent as YOU the right people will feel drawn to you! The people who are a good fit for you will FEEL a connection and the people who are NOT a good fit won't...and that is a win-win for everyone

04:38 So I thought I'd do an episode where I would answer a handful of the questions I've had from listeners, because I haven't included a listener question in the last few episodes. But then I started talking about the first one I wanted to answer and it became a whole episode! So this episode is now about a great question I got from Jorina – here's the question Hi Susan, this is Jorina from Argyle Walks. My question – Is there a reason why some people connect to us and others don't? Is there science behind this? Thanks Jorina! That is such an interesting question and I've always been fascinated by the science behind storytelling

05:24 And how connective tissue is actually formed when we share a story with someone. And how our brain waves sync up and even one study I read said that our hearts sync up and actually start beating in time with someone else's when we're listening to the same story, which is mind-blowing! So I love taking that a step further and thinking about why some people connect to us, and others don't. I also love that question because i talk so much about how the more you are you and the more you get across who you are and your personality and what makes you tick... The more the people who do reach out and come into your world and work with you are inevitably a really good fit

06:18 And that's what business should be about. Working with people who know, like and trust you. Working with clients you love working with Great relationships Everyone feeling good about the work you're doing together That's what I want my business to be about and i'm sure you do too! When I say the more you are YOU The more people drawn to you will be a good match That's very much based on my experience and how over the years I've leaned more and more into being me in my content, and the way I show up. And not putting pressure on myself to be a polished and perfect version but just to be the true version – the person that I am through-and-through Not who I think people expect me to be not who i think people think I should be

07:13 But who I really am, the way I think, the way I speak, the way I do things. The way I see the world and the more I lean into that, the more i'm 100% me, the easier my business has become and the more people I do attract are the people I love working with And I want to talk some more about that, but first i love that you're looking for more of the science behind it. And there's definitely a lot of science behind it! I mean first of all there's oxytocin right? The chemical that's released when we're tuning into somebody's story

07:53 I talked in my book about how the brain releases oxytocin, also known as the connection hormone. Because it's how the brain recognises the connection between our story and someone else's story and releases this feel-good chemical that produces that ah they're like me feeling which then gives us a sense of belonging and identity and safety The brain actually thinks, this is someone I would be safe with because I understand them and they understand me. So this is a good connection! So the goal of storytelling isn't to just make everyone relate to you but to help the right people feel connected to you and safe with you And in a world that's getting more and more disconnected those are really important and powerful feelings to evoke

08:52 There's also something called mirror neurons, which makes our brain feel and almost experience someone else's story. So when you describe something like say when I shared the story about my fear of public speaking in an earlier episode and how i'd start shaking and my hands were sweating and I forget to breathe When I talk about that, I start to feel those feelings because my brain goes back there and I start to feel it again. But also, I've had people message me saying they felt it too when they heard me describe it because they felt like that in the past and it might not have been the same experience It might not even be about public speaking

09:37 But they felt that experience of their body having a real reaction to something and going into that fight or flight response. And when THAT happens, and we start to mirror the feelings of the storyteller... That creates something that scientists call neural coupling where your brains actually start syncing and experiencing that together even though it's just a story How powerful is that? And you might have had times when that's happened to you. It probably explains why I can walk into a room and start getting emotional about something on the TV before I even know what's going on, because I can feel what the person on the screen is feeling whether it's relief or feeling seen or validated or accepted

10:35 So lots of science there about our brain and chemicals and hormones But if we think about our personalities and why some people click and others don't, there's lots of studies on that too. Like how people are more likely to be attracted to or feel close to someone who is similar to them whether that's in attitudes or values or beliefs even if it's only perceived similarity

11:19 I remember reading a study that was done in a speed dating scenario and they found that perceived similarity, that feeling of oh they seem to be like me created more attraction than actual similarity. And i saw this play out the other night! I went into the front room and my daughter was watching something on YouTube called 50 Singles Swipe On Each Other it was a dating show Where, if people matched they got to spend two or three minutes talking to each other in front of all the other contestants. And it was really interesting how many of them were such a good match on paper but when they started talking to each other even if they liked the same things they didn't necessarily connect...if they didn't feel similar!

12:14 Some conversations were really awkward and you could see that there was no chemistry, and they were just waiting for that buzzer to go off. And some got on like a house on fire! One couple in particular hit it off almost immediately. They had very similar sense of humour, they were making lots of eye contact, they were both very relaxed in each other's company... Their body language was saying this feels good, this is a good match So it's clearly more about feeling the connection rather than it being there on paper. Which is great news for us because stories are all about making people feel something

12:59 They're all about connecting on an emotional level. Talking about your qualifications and what training you've had or what your careers look like, is helpful information and might make someone want to look closer because you look a good match on paper but then we need to give them an opportunity to see if it's a good match on a human level – if it feels good in their body, gut, energetically That's what triggers connection. And that might come from someone's view of the world being the same as yours, or that they feel on the same page with you know how you see things, how you respond to challenges, what really matters to you, what you find funny, how you make sense of things, what you prioritise – the meaning you give to the things that you do

13:55 I'm sure we've all got people in our life that we don't feel connected to. Something just doesn't click and that's where there is often some kind of perceived mismatch in identity or beliefs, worldviews or even the emotional language that we use. And that's why if someone tells me I don't feel a good fit for them – I am 100% ok with In fact, I'm glad that I've been able to show them that I am not a good match for them before they come and work with me. Because you don't want to realise that after they have paid your money and started working together suddenly it all gets very awkward and uncomfortable – maybe even unpleasant! So better let people see who you are and what you're about as early as possible

14:47 And focus on attracting the people who are aligned with you, so that it feels good and right and exciting for both parties. So how do you do that? By weaving your values & beliefs & personality into your stories because that will help other people see if there's a match or if they want to swipe! And one way to do that is to do the exercise I suggested as an action step at the end of episode 17, which was how to turn your message into a movement. The exercise was to write iBelieve at the top of a piece of paper and then just start writing whatever comes to mind about what you believe – as it relates to what you do and what you help your clients do – to see what comes up!

15:39 What are the beliefs that underpin everything you do? So if you haven't done that exercise, you could start there and then share what comes up for you. Let people know what you stand for why you do what you do and the beliefs that sit at the heart of why your business exists Also look for ways to talk about the feelings you are experiencing when you share a story or the feelings your idol clients are experiencing Showing them how you get the fear that they're feeling with your stories, or the uncertainty or the overwhelm will connect more because you're talking to them at a real human emotional level rather than just sharing a series of events. And here's something else to keep in mind which I've talked about before but it's a good time to reiterate it

16:34 The more your stories are relatable to your audience, the more they will connect. The big dramatic blockbuster stories that so many business owners worry that they haven't got are not necessarily the stories that will truly connect with clients. The stories that are relatable are the stories people can relate too where they can see those similarities we talked about earlier A few weeks ago I was doing a live with someone who was interviewing me and they asked how I got into helping business owners with storytelling. So, I told that story and as soon as I finished she said oh that story is so similar to mine it was even around the same time

17:19 And there was that instant feeling of, oh we've been through something similar. We felt the same things. We've been on a similar journey. We faced similar challenges and come out the other side. That was an instant connection! But if I told some epic high drama story that might have been fascinating to listen to but was nothing like anything she'd ever experienced, the chances of her saying oh that's just like my story are pretty slim right? And that connection wouldn't have been there. So your stories can act as a filter to help you find people who resonate and lean in and feel connected with you

18:06 And repel, I don't like the word repel. Let's say filter out people who you're not a good match for because you won't be for everyone and that's exactly the way it's meant to be That's the way the world works so it's not a reason to hold back or dim your light and actually there's plenty of research around that too The projection principle says that whenever something triggers someone, it's usually a reflection of something that is going on for them that they're struggling with. It's not a reflection on you! Carl Jung talks about how we all have parts of ourselves we keep hidden even from ourselves and that everything that irritates us about others can lead us to a better understanding of ourselves

18:59 Our strongest reactions and feelings, whether positive or negative are usually mirrors showing us something about ourselves. So if you adore someone's confidence it might reflect a part of you ready to express more confidence Or if you resent someone's confidence It might reflect a part of you that has learnt to suppress or hide your confidence because maybe you've been judged for it in the past If someone's struggling to get clients, it might trigger them to see someone being very successful. Especially if they perceive that person is no better than them or even not as good as them! People can get triggered when business owners talk about how much money they've made – or how well their launch went

19:53 I share stuff around my launches that might be triggering to some, but I do it to inspire. And I know that my people – the people who are a really good fit for me – are inspired by those stories and they want to come and spend time with me so they can learn how to do that too! That's the people I focus on. Not everyone will connect with you or your message and that is okay The sooner you can accept that's the way it works and just focus on being you, owning your story even the messy parts and not worrying about what other people are doing. The better! The easier running your business will be And the happier YOU will be So before I go let me give you a quick action step that you can go away and do Here is your action step for today

20:51 Share something you stand for or against. I did a post recently about how I see that people are still out there telling everyone, don't talk about you in your marketing because no one cares about you! That is so wrong. That's like saying, when I'm choosing a coach to work with, I don't care who they are – I don't want to know anything about them – I don't care what their values are…I don't care whether I like them or not... I don't care how they came to call themselves a coach… I don't care if their work matters to them…. All I care about is me! I've never met a single human being who operates like that

21:36 At the most basic level, we are programmed to connect with other humans. Why on earth would we not care who we're going on a journey of transformation with? It's just not true! Before people buy from you they need to buy into you and they do care who you are and what you're about so you need to show them So that was a post about something I feel strongly about. Because when you're clear what you stand for, and just as importantly what you don't, You stop trying to appeal to everyone and start attracting the people who truly resonate and feel aligned It shows them whether you're their person or not And creates connection on a human level Not just on paper

22:32 So that's your action step for today. Share something you stand for or against and I'll see you next time, for more stories that do the selling for you so you don't have to! Thank you so much for being here. I love that we get to do this together! Would you do me a huge favour and please rate, review and follow this podcast in Apple Spotify or wherever you listen to your podcasts? And i'll see you next time for more honest conversations meaningful connections and of course stories