Episode 16: Turning shame into strength - When you finally stop hiding

00:54 You're listening to The Business of Stories with Susan Paton, showing you how to share stories that do the selling in your business so you don't have to. In episode 15 we talked about something that lots of business owners struggle with and don't know how to navigate – what to do when your story comes with feelings of shame or failure? We looked at why those stories matter where to find the gold in them And how the real power isn't in the failure itself, but who you became because of it. And I share tips for sharing your story safely and intentionally when you're ready! So in this episode, I want to share a conversation I had recently with Storytelling Mastery member Jen Neil

01:50 Who qualified as a coach but didn't feel able to show up, be visible or build the business she dreamed of because of things that had happened in her past and the shame she felt around that chapter of her life. I'm so grateful to Jen for agreeing to come and talk to us about what it feels like to hide away for years because the story you're carrying feels too heavy or painful and her experience of overcoming that shame. Her story is incredibly honest, and full of the ownership and growth and transformation I talked about in episode 15 So here's my chat with Jen where she talks about walking away from everything rebuilding from ground zero And finally finding the courage to claim her story...and her future

02:48 Jen, it is so lovely to have you on the podcast and I don't know if you realise this but you are the first ever guest on The Business of Stories podcast. How exciting is that? Oh my goodness! Yeah! I feel so honoured. That's amazing And I'm very excited to have you on not least because I know that if I'd said to you a year ago, Jim would you like to come on my podcast and talk about your story You would not have done that, would you? No. I probably wouldn't even answer the email! Oh how funny! So let's go back to that time if that's alright. Let's go back at the beginning and

03:30 How you were feeling and you did come into Storytelling Mastery about a year ago. So just tell me like where were you at that point? I know that you had had a qualification for quite some time, a coaching qualification but there was something huge getting in the way of you getting out there and getting visible so just talk to me about where you were at that point OK, well my story kind of starts probably 10 years before that. What led me to getting a qualification in coaching and so I've been away for many years. I started as an interior designer, but in design branding communications that sort of thing advertising and... And i'd been living a lot of my time in Australia but I come to the end of my 30s and the real big pull was always that I wanted to have a family and I wanted to settle down and find the guy and it would never have worked in Australia because I never wanted to be in Australia so I came back to Scotland

04:29 I've just turned 40, but was desperately wanting to pull this whole personal story together. My professional story had also slightly taken a wander because they didn't actually know what I was doing anymore. I came back and ended up starting my own business, and it was called Tall Poppies. And in the early days it was all money coaching is what I was really doing. I was developing programs and training courses and content if you like for particularly in the tourism and hospitality sector. And I had one client which was a public sector So I was very involved in that. In fact, I wasn't really creating a business. I was actually almost like an adjunct to the public sector and I was creating all of this content and systems for tourism businesses to make the most of what they were doing with their customers

05:19 And I loved it. And I was good at it, I built a team around me of storytellers, of children's writers that helped me to write all this stuff but at the same time I had another parallel story going on which was that I was really trying to get pregnant and I got married rushed through the door at the last minute really and I was starting on the whole IVF egg donation I was in a very difficult adoption sort of journey, none of which was actually working out. And so that was absolutely draining everything in my body but work was draining everything in my mind and the pressure had just got too much and I eventually just completely burnt out. And I walked away from everything, absolutely everything. Away from my house, away from my business, I walked away from everything

06:12 I I started rebuilding, but I couldn't go back to that old world because I couldn't even show up in networking events. I couldn't do anything because I always felt that they were talking about me you know had i gone mad what did I done? You know because I'd literally walked away from absolutely everything so I carried that story with me in my head but I didn't realize that was a story of my head

06:55 So, how I got out of it was...I did a qualification in coaching and I suddenly realised gosh this is actually what i really want to be doing. I felt real resonance with this but I couldn't ever imagine in what circumstances I was going to be doing that so that was the lag So, you know I was coached. I then did coaching and it changed my life really and I started healing as that are getting much better. I also became... You know, I was back being reasonably friendly with my ex-husband's and my stepdaughter at the time so everything was kind of fine but I still had this block with work that I couldn't go back into thinking about how I was going to work or what I was going to do? So I started building self catering places in Edinburgh I

08:06 When I was doing that, the story that I was writing was a story that I loved. It's actually about tall poppies. It is about the sorts of work we did and people I worked with. The expression how I love to write and create content and coaching programs. That is what I really love doing – systems for learning if you like And then I realised that I've been doing this all my career, whether I'd been a designer or working in advertising. Wherever I've been, I've been doing the same sort of work and it dawned on me that my story was exactly going back to exactly who I was and through The Business of Stories, I began to get an expression for what that was and also what my value was and writing these stories. And I started to unlock something

08:58 I mean, well a lot of tears but I suddenly realised that that was the story. That the story was exactly the story that I've been hiding from and that was where my coaching practice was going to have to go and as i was doing that when I was realising my value, my people, my sweet spot it became perfectly obvious to me what that was So I then could write on LinkedIn, I could start to develop something on LinkedIn that was talking a little bit about my story. And there was the first post I ever did...I remember you guys in the... I think it was on your Tuesday and Thursday check off and I just don't know if I can write this

09:42 And I wrote it as if I was skiing and said that I was just going to run down that black run because I love to ski. This is what it feels like, oh! I can just go back and have a hot chocolate. I don't need to go or do anything else. Oops! I think I just have and press publish. That changed everything – the first one. Then I started building the system by which I could help others because of course that's what I do. That's when StoryStrands The company that I've started to build was born. Amazing, amazing! I love all of that and thank you so much for sharing Let me just go back a tiny bit because it was interesting when you said you started the Airbnb business And I thought the beauty of that is that You're behind-the-scenes right? That's a business you could run completely anonymously Why do you think that you felt that need to kind of hide away and not

10:35 Be that tall poppy, right? Yeah. I think I even remember you saying to me when we spoke very early on, like the irony that my company was tall poppy and here I am writing to put my head above the parapet. So yeah, the irony was ridiculous but it was because of fear... If I could just get in touch with the fear… It's a shame of first of all having made such stupid choices. There is a girl who really wanted to have a family and there she was in her 40s not having got that I mean, it was bundled up with personal and professional. And so when we take that into the professional space...I had a fairly public meltdown. I think there was part of me that was just terrified to even say another word in case somebody went

11:24 It fired another dagger at me. Whether people were or they weren't, I was imagining that they were and in my head I was very vulnerable and I think that was the... My kind of modus operandi has always been to hide when these are… And this goes right back you know we could look right back and probably find that story in childhood but I hid yes and hiding is what I do when things are getting a little bit too difficult And so hiding under the Airbnb was a really interesting choice because you see, I come from a family of hoteliers. So I am actually quite extrovert and I'm very much mind host. I mean, I'm gregarious, I'm communicative, I'm talkative. I love giving people good experiences and hospitality. And there I was taking that same... The most anonymous version of that that I could

12:16 And excelling at it, again behind the scenes. It was an interesting choice to keep hidden. It's funny you pointed out. Yeah and also I guess that can feel safe like you think you're keeping yourself safe But you knew deep down that you were being called to do so much more. I mean, I've always had this idea...I want to be on a stage! I mean, I want to be talking. I want to be out there, you know? You know, I want to run in groups again and I want to be recognised and seen but I was SO not seen in the choices I was making that this was still burning inside me And I think for everyone

12:58 So, we can get to that truth. We've got that inside us I mean you know quite an extroverted adventurous courageous person i am but i was not living that life at all! I was living the complete reverse of it so i knew that there was a point that i needed to...i wanted to break into that I couldn't see which bit to go to, because it couldn't be back where i've been. So I was between chapters and what I help clients with is pulling these strands together I couldn't pull a strand because i didn't know which one to pull. Yes, and I say this to people so many times...I have so many people come to me saying, I do this for other people you know? I have marketers, I have you know people who help other people with their stories and they say can do it for other people but I really struggle to do it for myself

13:51 And I think that's completely normal. We've all heard the saying, inside the bottle trying to read the label... Had somebody else say it to me the other day, it was like a fish inside a goldfish bowl and everything was swimming around me and I didn't know which bits to focus on you know? It can just all start to feel a big mess and overwhelming and you don't even know where to start! You just don't know where to even start yeah but I think what was beautiful about your system and what I find so valuable, was the honesty. That...I had to get honest! And I mean, I can remember you and I having conversations about, you know, not getting your messaging right

14:32 Damn it, of course I'm getting my messaging right. But I was in my head but I wasn't in what I'm doing and what I'm saying because I don't think I was going deep enough and the absolute gold in all this is in fact the very thing that's keeping me stuck It's that very thing. Yeah, exactly I mean we could even put a box around it and say that is the gold because that is in fact this the thing that I needed to be honest and face up to on my own demons about that and realize that there's actually nothing to be ashamed for It's a very human story. It is a very sad and human story, but it is a very human experience

15:18 And incredibly relatable. And incredibly relatable and what I will say to people now as well is that if you think that your work life and your home life is separate, think again! They always are affecting each other always. I was very good at what I was doing. I was actually very successful with Tall Poppies. I mean I could have gone on and been really successful with that And I guess when your personal life and your professional life are so intertwined, like you said. When one thing falls down everything falls down and that's maybe where you were right? You didn't know how to re-emerge

16:10 So, Jen, I'm going to ask you a question. I absolutely, I walked away because actually in that moment I couldn't do anything else. So I think that's a really important point. I was trying to get back to the version of me that I was without actually grabbing some confidence and going forward to the new version that was emerging, that was wanting to emerge but I wasn't letting it happen. And once I started to let that happen That's when it all started flowing again. Yeah, and do you think that that's the process that you had to go through exploring that story and working out who am I now? And what is the next chapter? I think you do but i think as an iterative process, I think you start by putting a toe in the water like my first LinkedIn post

17:09 And then another one. And then you start to see that there's people that are actually resonating with you and over the year, I mean my coaching practice and my ideas for this business have really grown because because I'm getting in enthusiastic resonance with people. And of course, great. I feel like well, you know, I'm obviously doing the right thing and it's feeling right for me so if it's feeling right for them and is right for me, I'll keep going on, you know, and I get momentum with it The Business of Stories podcast is brought to you by

17:51 So talk a little bit about where you are now in terms of sharing, because I know you share lots. Like you said, you've built up your coaching practice which is amazing. How do you approach your storytelling now and how much of your story do you share now? Do you think compared to what you were comfortable sharing a year ago? Yeah well even this whole thing about children and that whole deeply personal So, sadness for me and regret. Well I couldn't share that and probably am only beginning to be able to talk about this now. And why i think it's iterative is that everybody has a story that is continually unfolding and different levels of it unfolding

18:36 This particular story didn't just start 25 years ago for me, this started probably in childhood. But what I'm finding is it is the gift now and the clarity that's going to carry on me through until the rest of my time and whatever I do, it is absolutely why. It's where I am going to be adding value to what I do in whatever way it is But it is a process where I thought, and you get clarity from looking back. For me, that whole story now has a beginning and middle and an end. It didn't have that before. Yeah definitely. And you said something earlier about realising there was no shame in the story that you had? I think that's the thing isn't it when you realise because I had the story of losing everything in the property market crash

19:28 I You know the journey is not easy it never is there's always bumps as always twist and turns and we just we're just navigating which is trying to get through life that the best way that we can. And then we don't have to hide these times where things didn't quite go as planned didn't you know work out in a way that we wanted them too

20:11 Yes, in hindsight maybe we could have done things differently but we're learning. We're all learning every day right? Every minute and we get it wrong lots probably more times than we get it right Absolutely! And I think if that's where...I think the whole thing about telling Finding stories and your own personal stories to be helping to sell your business or to be finding new clients, whatever it is. It's so important for that resonance. Yeah absolutely and like you said Your story is what has led you here doing what you now do. Part of who you've become. It can be your mission. It can be the gift that you bring to your clients. It can be your why...it can be all those things right?

20:57 It's absolutely, it's the reiteration of what I loved about Tall Poppies but it brought into a new version which is absolutely right for me and for me right now. I absolutely love it. Yeah, I get off bed every morning and I'm really excited about what I'm going to do next though. So I'd say that for anybody but go to the heart of what it is that you've got the shame on because that's where the gold is and that will unlock it. 100%. I've shared my tips for Sharing stories that are difficult. And I think that you're such a good example of this because first of all, it is about owning your story which you've 100% done and just taking responsibility for those choices and actions and decisions and the growth that came with those experiences sharing that turning point helping people to see

21:53 What that looked like for you and how important each step of that process was, right? When we look back it's not about wishing that we'd done things differently. It's about really leaning into just what that journey was for you because everybody's journey is different And in that transformation and seeing that the failure is not the story, it's who you've become as a result of what you went through. Absolutely Susan and that is exactly exactly that! If you can accept that then you could become so much more than ever even dreamt of by being authentically you. There's a little part of me that would love to have a bit more recognition

22:35 How awful it actually was for me. Yeah And now I find through being able to share it I'm loosening the need for that recognition because i've given it to myself and that also equals a whole thing so you stop becoming any victim in this story. Which actually leads into the last two tips that I gave which is the intention behind sharing the story right? Yes, that's really important! To share the insights, to show other people what's possible for them And then finally, to be the guide for your idle clients. To share from a place of you know this is possible for you too and I can help you with that

23:18 Oh, it's lovely that because that is actually really important. You have to come at this with the right energy you have to be coming in full service of what you can offer somebody else and you can't do that as you say from the wound it has to be from the scar you have to put on your own work enough so that you can see that quite clearly to help others find out but its so possible for everyone And you see so many people living half a life because they just can't bear to be seen than less than. Yeah, just lower the mask a little bit and… Lower the mask of it! Yes exactly. Amazing thank you so much Jen that was such a kind share and really interesting and I'm sure there will be lots and lots of people who get a lot from that conversation so thank you so much My pleasure

24:08 So I hope that conversation gave you something, whether it was permission perspective or simply the reassurance that you're not the only one who has chapters of your life that you wish looked different. Jen is such a powerful example of what's possible when you're willing to look at your story with honesty and compassion and decide what it means for you now and what part it plays in your current story, your why, your mission, your vision. Of course you never have to share anything that you're not ready to share but if you are ready and want me to help you reach out to me at susanathebusinessofstories.com

24:57 And let's talk about how those chapters of your life can become the most powerful, meaningful parts of your message. So before I go, let me give you a quick action step to go away and do. Today's action step is a little bit different it's to take five minutes for yourself five quiet minutes and think about reflect on or even journal on Is there a part of my past I've been avoiding? And if so, what did it give me? What clarity strength or insight did that chapter create that i now bring to my work and my clients. You don't need to share that you don't need to tell anyone just acknowledge it

25:56 Because that's the first step in owning your story and using it in a way that helps others. And I'll see you next time for more stories that do the selling for you, so you don't have to! Thank you so much for being here – I love we get to do this together Would you do me a huge favour and please rate review & follow this podcast on Apple, Spotify or wherever you listen to your podcasts? And I'll see you next time for more honest conversations, meaningful connections and of course stories.