Making step-parent relationships work with Tracy Poizner

00:00 In this episode of the Team Superdad podcast, I talk step-parenting and making a blended family work with super stepmom Tracy Poizner. Roll theme! Welcome to Team Superdad Real dads creating their best lives ever More time More money More fun You are not alone You're on Team Superdad Hey dads, welcome. Welcome it is the Team Stupid Dad podcast as you know that's here you click play so you know where you are we're here twice a week this one the one we do in midweek is the sort of serious one we have a conversation about dads making their lives successful effective dads who are businessmen... dads who are dads what a ridiculous thing to say

00:55 I need to get focused here. But anyway, we are dads creating our best lives ever working in the F5 of focus fitness finance family and fun And you know too many dads are just fed up fed up with going through the motions Imagining their life that they would really like to lead or their life We used to live when were younger fit and healthy maybe seeing our friends all the time living with housemates The Jonnie Jensen Show, Jonnie Jensen, Tracy Poizner.

01:41 This episode Tracy Poizner, oh by the way if you're listening for the first time then subscribe definitely. If you're watching... You can watch at our YouTube channel Team Superdad or over at the Facebook group in fact come and join the Facebook group we are a whole lot of dads there hanging out asking questions solving problems sharing silly pictures you know all this stuff as if we were in the pub basically but yeah come over join the group Subscribe to this podcast. Well, I'm giving you a whole load of things to do aren't i? I really am not concentrating here but we're going to keep rolling! TeamSuperDad.com forward slash network that is the best place to go in fact teamsuperdad.com forward slash network that is going to sign you up to our power list it's gonna get you into the Facebook group and send you a link to the podcast so Tracy Poizner was on a couple of weeks ago we were talking about

02:35 And I'm going to be talking about how you can use the pronouns in your podcast. So, let's get started. And you can go back and get that, I think it's episode 10. I'll put a link in the show notes but other than... we got on to blended families step-parents and there just wasn't enough time so the podcast went live and then i had loads of feedback and probably more feedback for her episodes than they've had for anything else she's got such a lovely soft voice a really amazing woman totally on my same wavelength a real like minded soul around

03:23 I'm going to be talking about relationships around new relationships, around how we look after our children and how we'd be a great step-parent. So this episode is absolutely phenomenal! We get into every element of being a step parent or having a new partner, of communicating with our ex about our new partner, having it work out with our kids... like you do not want So, let's get started.

04:12 I hope you enjoy it. It's the usual length, you know we don't do short podcasts! We stick it on at the gym, stick it on in the car and I hope you're going to learn an absolute avalanche of information here and transform your blended family situation You know, the stats on second marriages ending in divorce are worse than first marriages which is kind of horrific to consider but like we're here to make it work. So without further ado I will see you on the other side enjoy Tracy Poizner. Hi welcome Team Superdad friends family members around the world it's great to have you here on the podcast we are live for those people watching for those people listening and it's great

05:01 I've never had a guest back for a second visit, but two things happened. Two things happened one we realized when we spoke just last week actually so you might have listened to the first episode we did the first...I hate calling them interviews because that just sounds a bit serious but Tracy and i had a wonderful conversation Tracy Poizner and I from Essential Stepmums and I had a wonderful conversation I got amazing feedback. Loads of people commented and told me what a great conversation that was, so it was all about men dads communicating with their ex-wives, their wives and their partners sorry and their children

05:44 And tonight, because Tracy's real focus I suppose if that's fair to say is on managing the blended family. So being that stepmom in a blended family and what are uniquely challenging role that is but also rewarding And so whilst last episode we ended up talking a lot about the dads in that blended family role. I didn't want to squeeze the step-mom bit in at the end and so we did, we had an encore! We got her back again So I'm gonna play the intro and then we'll see Tracy on The Other Side Welcome to Team Superdad. Real dads creating their best lives ever! More time, more money, more fun You are not alone you're on team super dad

06:37 Tracy, how you doing? Good to see you. Good to see you too! We're like old pals your husband's gonna be thinking there's something going on if we keep talking every other day Yeah this is too fun and we recorded for my podcast as well this week. We did that was brilliant I absolutely loved that conversation Where can people get your podcast what's it called? Essential Stepmom It's the essential step mom podcast it's on all the platforms Brilliant. And obviously I wasn't talking about being a step-mom, but I was talking about my experiences of being a step kid then a step dad

07:17 Having a step, my dad and my stepmom they broke up so I had that experience as well. So we spoke about all of that and we talked about some of the shared values we've got on ideas about you know different societal attitudes towards breakups and adults behaving like adults when it comes to sharing children and staying at least amicable if not friends. That was really great to have that conversation together Thank you, I enjoyed it very much. And I've been reading your blog and I just love all the content that you have like we're so on the same wavelength! I really appreciate that no seriously like i often interview people in this space or I have conversations with them on my podcast and It happens once in a while that somebody says something that's actually really at odds with what I think but often

08:14 There's just a little bit of a different approach or that I appreciate that somebody is really good at what they do, but it's like totally different approach or philosophy. And everything you talk about I feel like I want to go yeah! Yes! Yeah! That's pretty interesting Well its a movement in many ways isn't it? It is Well, today... Oh by the way if you're listening great to have you here. Please like and review and do all the things that you do with podcasts that you enjoy! If you're watching on the live or you're watching the replay you can see Tracy and I looking as beautiful as ever both of us but yeah you can interact with us, you can comment, you can ask a question, you can fully get involved with the live and even the replay share a question and we'll endeavor to get that answered for

09:12 What else? Yeah, we're all over at teamsuperdad.com so this show and the show notes of course you can actually ask your smart speaker... Hey! Name of a smart speaker that we shall not say. Play The Team Super Dad with Jonnie Jensen podcast and you can get the podcast on your smart speaker there as well So we are, we're dads. We are a community of dads and we're working on creating our best lives ever in the areas of focus, finance, fitness family and fun there are five areas And relationships inside of that family part, whether it's maintaining a current relationship. Whether it's leaving a relationship that doesn't work in a positive fashion and of course the end part is creating a new relationship and most likely ending up in a blended family of some description which

10:08 Tracy's real area of expertise and not, I hate people throw the word passion around but i feel like compassion is really powerful words here because you've got the utmost compassion for that challenge. That unique challenge of blended families and tell us about your specific focus in that regard? Well I have to say I do have a passion for it! You know actually I'm happy to say that I get out of bed in the morning excited to do this work that I'm doing. I'm connecting with a lot of the stepmoms, the women who are... Sorry there's a lot of construction happening in my house today so iIm sorry for the extra noises! Yeah, I'm connecting with a lot of these women and I'm giving them a space where it feels safe

11:02 This stuff is very much in the same way that you do for the dads. It's so important on social media, like the spaces are not safe a lot of people are looking to have this kind of community and the spaces don't feel safe. The women attack each other in a really awful way that it's symptomatic of everything about social media there's something about about the anonymity that people have on social media, Facebook Instagram. That it allows people to be not their best selves you know? That you wouldn't... You really probably wouldn't ever say things in person to somebody the way that you say them online and so often women want to have a place to air

11:58 The Jonnie Jensen Show, Jonnie Jensen, Tracy Poizner They just say the most awful things or, you know I'd be leaving that guy right away. You shouldn't stay with him, you know after like reading a few sentences on... Yeah so i felt really really committed to creating and maintaining a really safe place to have those discussions and I have over 1 000 women in the group now and I was worried when it got that big

12:43 I'm really, really committed to that. I'm careful about it and I mean, I'm just on it every single day so I just have a zero tolerance for any kind of rudeness in the posting or the comments and so people know that It's a place where they can be honest And be vulnerable and have these conversations That they're not alone, you know. Everybody thinks that like I must be the only person in the world who this is happening to because it feels so specific and personal You don't... there's no way that you could know that this is such a common problem Whatever the problem is that you're having There are other people who are experiencing it And it just helps so much to know that Yes! That's the silent killer in the room

13:40 The Jonnie Jensen Show, Jonnie Jensen, Tracy Poizner. There's alcoholism, suicide loss of business bankruptcy marriage breakdowns children committing suicide. The thing is the experiences of the men pretty much no matter what the story was the same lonely rejection guilt despair and you're like oh my gosh so he felt that

14:29 Completely different situation, but he felt the same as I did and he bounced back. Oh maybe I can bounce back! Yeah And that's that's the power of community... Of shared experiences The realization that we're not alone The ideas, the knowledge that we can use to pull ourselves back from Doesn't always have to be from the brink But yeah That's the power of positive communities It sure is and you know it's the power All the 12-step programs and even, you know, Alcoholics Anonymous. That used to be alcoholism was a... You know just an incurable and mostly fatal disease And community too, accountability and support of other people who were going through it turns out to be really the key To being able to come out of that

15:26 And I think it's true of this too, it's just we're using the power of you know the connectedness of the internet so that people can get together from all over the world because it's not always easy to find people right in your community or in your neighborhood who are the right match for you. In terms of having That's one of the beautiful things of the internet isn't it? It is! One-armed albino, you know panda bears. You know like yeah 10 of them in the world and now they're all together on a zoom. No when I started my Facebook group um you know back like almost four years ago

16:08 Where can people find your Facebook group? Let's get that. Oh yeah, so the Facebook group I do need to streamline this it doesn't have the same name as the podcast it's called The Spectacular Stepmom The Spectacular Stepmom and then I have a Facebook business page called Essential Stepmom. Okay, cool That's that is linked to the group so either place you'll find me but when I started out with that I took a course on learning how to do this like how to build a Facebook group intentionally and there were other people in that course who had such specific audiences...I remember there was like one for

16:48 I'm a dyslexic female entrepreneur and someone else was doing yoga, online yoga for diabetics. And you just realize that it's almost infinite how much you can narrow down and still find a lot of people who share your thing whatever your thing happens to be so So that was really positive for me and my podcast now, the statistics that I get on... I podcast through anchor.fm and they have statistics available! People are listening in 74 countries! Wow! I didn't know there were...I don't know if i could name 74 countries? When when I'm chatting you search up the group on Facebook and put it in the comments. Oh yeah, you can't find it

17:43 I'm going spectacular essential stepmom. No, the spectacular step mom! All right she's a spectacular and essential. Not both. You're even stronger do you know what's funny though just doing this search but this is classic loads of stepparent groups none as good as yours But a whole bunch that are in there. And I've never looked before for stepmom group, obviously I'm not mom and anymore and I did the same when I was in my marriage really really struggling going through quite a lot of challenges where a group such as Team Superdad like I created would have been perfect for me. I never looked it up!

18:30 I'm on my own, and I've got to get my head down. I've gotta keep working. And I never actually looked enough for the kind of help that would have helped me ironically enough. You know, I hear it at least once a week in my group that somebody says I wish i would have found this years ago. And there are still women joining my group who, because I ask them questions when they join you know...I don't know you've probably joined a group where you have to answer some questions to be admitted into the group and I always ask people what they would most like to learn inside the group and

19:11 There are women introducing themselves who've been stepmoms for 15 years, who are just now joining a stepmom group. You would think come on like you don't have it all figured out by the time... But different stuff happens and the kids get to be different ages and everything goes along swimmingly for 12 years and then it all blows up and you can't believe it! Oh well I imagine just when you think it's all calmed down A grandchild comes along and the same territorial battles are back. Exactly! Who gets to be grandma? Exactly, there's a wonderful story in one of the great books I'm thinking it's a book called Step Monster which is one of the classic books of the stepmom literature by Wednesday Martin, Step Monster it's a great one

19:58 And she relates a story from one of the interviews that she does in the book, of a woman who had been married to her husband for 25 years. The mom had passed away and so she basically raised this boy from the time he was 8 or 10 years old and now we're many years later and he's in his late 30s early 40s and having kids. And she can't understand why there's, you know this incredible chill has come into their relationship that she wasn't expecting and she can't explain. She says a few times a year I send gifts to his kids on behalf of my husband and myself because that's what moms do they're usually the ones who are in charge of that sort of thing. She would always say with love from granddad and granny Florence or whatever her name was

20:55 And it eventually came out, after some years of misunderstanding between them that the boy, the young man... The man! He's not even young. He's a middle-aged guy who says to her finally Can't you understand that my children have a grandmother and she's dead? Grandma is my mother and he was fine with her until he became a dad which sort of re The Jonnie Jensen Show, Jonnie Jensen, Tracy Poizner,

21:49 So, yes like even after 25 years you're exactly right something can happen that you don't understand in the dynamic. And this conversation we're having today is great because you've got dads who are Going into a new relationship, choosing to be making that relationship committed relationship. Choosing to get married even and so there's we're talking about the different stages of that and I'm planning on we could talk for hours about it. We've just been jumped to grandmother stage as well but let's maybe start a little bit at the beginning what are some of the things

22:33 A dad needs to consider, you know as he's in a relationship that is going pretty well obviously they're getting into the point where they're gonna think to move in or some things. I guess that's when someone really starts to become a step-mom What are some of the things they need to look out for? Or what are some of like three or four important things that come right up at the front like if we're gonna lay the foundation Yeah! What might they be? Well...I can't stress enough how important it is Conversations about your expectations. Yeah, because like and those are hard things to do you know it's a bit like saying okay here's the moment where we have to You know talk about a prenuptial agreement or something and it's so icky because your It's like around a specific piece of mistrust or something in the relationship like you don't want to go there

23:35 And in this particular case, I think you have to talk about your expectations of your partner's role in your family and how that is going to look. And a lot of dads are looking forward to restoring some kind of normal feeling of normalcy in their family because when you get divorced right? You feel like you have this amputated family and everybody can see that you're not whole, you're a single dad with kids. And let's not even go there... I don't know if we talked about the archetypes last time but single dad is like the loser of the four archetypes for sure. Single Dad and Stepmom anyway are

24:22 You know, somehow the bad guys in this story as far as everyone else is concerned. Yeah totally and people should just jump back and listen to the other podcast with Tracy to infall there but yeah we were just highlighting in cliche ways and it's drifting out now but still The dad was the arse that left, the stepmom was the bitch that swooped in and ruined a family. And then the poor old single mom... The single mom... ...in the world to bring up her kids on her own. Yeah she's a saint! Don't they know what I've been through? And that's fine for people that are in that boat. And then stepdad gets to be a hero because he's clearly raising someone else's children.

25:08 And, you know it sucks. What I love so much about your message that we talked about changing this societal behaviors and norms so that its not okay for friends to support really bad behavior in their circle of guys who bad talk their ex or women who are bad mouthing their ex The community around them, like you said all the people who are at your wedding who are supposed to be supporting your marriage have to support you also in being a good person on the other side of that. Godparents there's one! Yeah exactly The average godparent will gladly come to the christening and do the thing but then when it comes to actually stepping in and says what needs to be said

26:01 It's really hard. You know, at one point in my work I was but it was just before COVID-19. I was looking at models of how i could reach out to pastors who are counseling families because there's no support for You know, all of the support is around keeping the couple together. And after it's gone like when they're done normally the pastor loses contact with one of those people because they're not going to keep going to the same The Jonnie Jensen Show, Jonnie Jensen, Tracy Poizner,

26:58 Their community and how to support them. There's a lot of really, really bad advice that well-meaning pastoral counsellors give out because they don't understand how different a blended family is. Well and you can be in a church and be hearing all the sermon about family family family And the layer of guilt and you're about to just keep getting applied. So it's easy to, sorry I was just going to say it's easy for both on both sides for someone who is gaining a new partner or divorced person who is getting a new partner To want their new family to be family family family Yeah

27:46 Like a cookie cutter kind of reply. Yeah, and it's really... It's a bitter pill to understand that it doesn't work like that you're not going to be a mom and dad who share the parenting of these kids You're gonna be a dad with kids who now has a partner that can do A TON of practical things to help you To be a good Dad but their job is to help you be a good dad its not too mimic The role of the Mom Yeah that's a nice analogy actually, a nice picture in my mind of rather than being a front player like a front of house like mom dad front of you turn into a supporting role. Yeah so I have this little image that i often share which way am I going to do it? This is like a log or a board or something that two people are holding on to the ends and their kids are sitting in the middle here

28:47 And when mom and dad get divorced, this doesn't break into two logs and they each hold the kids for part of the time. You are forever holding up your end of the parenting log Let's say that this is dad. When a new partner comes along, stepmom comes along she doesn't help you to hold up your end Your end belongs to you to hold up She is there to bring a chair for you sit on she can hold the umbrella she can bring over some sandwiches she can sit and talk to you an tell you stories

29:27 She can bring you a beer. She's a shoulder for you to cry on, she can do a lot of dishes and laundry but she is not helping you hold up this end and she certainly not holding it while you go off to play football or to the pub or whatever right? And I think there's a lot of feeling that oh finally have someone to help me carry the load because parenting is so hard! Yeah... It doesn't work that way And it doesn't work that way because, like nature has designed this whole process. And what we're doing now is... We're sort of being pioneers of a new phase of human development because this kind of family has never existed before in all of human history

30:16 There were like the stepmom of yesteryear was the kind that you experienced in your family where the parent passes away, let's say. And there is a new mom or dad who comes into the family but there has never been in any culture of the world like 50% of children who are going back and forth between two homes This is a brand new phenomenon and we're at the, we're in the very first years of it. It's maybe 40 not 50 years old that this social dynamic. Yeah totally true because when we were kids there might have been one or two kids in our class who would who were divorced and yeah now it's like you say fifty percent. Yeah and when we were kids

31:05 And I mean, you're a lot younger than I am. But when you know when I was a kid if there was someone whose parents were divorced typically the kids stayed with mom and dad was like maybe not completely out of the picture Dad was either visiting or not visiting with the kids but there was no other household with another mom and dad in it Where you spent time, like that didn't exist and now it's almost the norm. Like 50% of children under the age of 18 are having some experience of living with um... You know part-time with their with a step parent. Yeah so it's really important that a couple that are embarking on this are conscientious enough to realize

31:58 It's not going to be a stroll in the park. We are gonna need to have some awareness of the highs, lows, good bits and bad bits and we're gonna need to make some kind of... I guess there was a course that we talked about a minute ago but they need for plan but also when things go wrong like making sure that they don't end up arguing about stuff because it would be so easy for the challenges of a blended family to impact on their relationship And then you're back to square one. They do, and I mean you've talked to Laurie and David Sims on their podcast and they're a family...they do the Nacho Kids Podcasts and the Nacho Kid's Method. I think they're wonderful! I really like them, they're very funny people but nobody could have been more prepared than they were. Like they went to counselling, they read every book they could find, they had all the conversations

32:53 And even still, there was an unspoken expectation that they didn't understand was wrong. That both of them expected that she was going to be a mother figure for his kids and it lasted for... It worked for the first year and then the kids started rebelling because they didn't want another mother. They had a mother! Yeah. He couldn't figure out what was wrong because as far as he was concerned like She was the woman of the house and they ought to listen to her. And, you know, the more he tried to put his foot down, the more it didn't work and she was just trying to work harder and harder at getting them under control

33:36 I'm going to start with a question that came in from a viewer. You know, when dad comes home he has to let them know that he's not very happy that they weren't respecting his rules while he wasn't here because they thought he wouldn't know or something. And it...that's a...it's such a delicate point but it makes such a big difference. Yeah! It makes a difference to them because

34:24 I say this all the time, you know. Every therapist in the whole world is talking to people about their relationship with their mother or their father Nobody goes to a therapist in middle age to talk about their relationship with their third grade teacher Or with their football coach You know? The only thing that matters Is how you were or were not able to please your parents In a way that allowed them to show you That you are good enough Right? That's the central The It doesn't come around your house and say, don't you talk to your mother that way? You know. It's sort of crossing a weird boundary and it doesn't feel like it because you live in their house with them And it feels like you should be able to have that vibe That mom vibe in the house Of course it does work for some people The problem with that is we look at those houses and say Okay what aren't I doing that she's getting right

35:50 Like how come it works for her and it doesn't work for me? And... A realistic pedestal kind of thing, yeah. It's not something that you can copy because that's the one-off! That's not the way it's supposed to be. That's the unicorn. Those people are lucky and maybe at the moment they went through a You know, maybe they've been through a certain phase and come out to where that's working for them or maybe they just haven't got there yet. Where the kids are saying I've decided I don't have to listen to you Or maybe it like...you know that some years down the road when their mom starts to pressure them To disrespect The dad and his partner Yeah yeah well you can imagine in young kids

36:42 Being quite happy to just have a picnic and go to the park and bedtime. And then they suddenly hit puberty in early teens, into teens. Yeah. Then it's like... because my son is the same now! I know he adores me and I adore him. He barks at me about everything. Why? I don't mean what are you asking me that? Hang on a minute. I'm asking you to brush your teeth. That's it. So we're in a step-parent situation and I've experienced that myself You know, could you wash up? No. Or they'll do half of it and then leave half of it. And I remember one argument my stepson...I took it really personally that he'd left the end of the washing-up and yeah, and that—I'm just having flashbacks to it now—yeah so it's…it's.. I can see in that situation is

37:42 Important that the non-primary parent realizes that role and when they see it coming up, when they see themselves being drawn into a situation where they are taking on primary parent actions. What's that like? Rules, discipline. Requests. So any kind of request basically? Yeah and I have to tell you Jonnie, i'm the one who leaves the last bit of the washing up in my house like...I am so guilty if that! And it helps me to know those things. Like, okay we have this funny thing going on in our house right now I have a very bad habit of leaving my shoes at the very bottom of the steps like when i put my boots on to go outside...I live in Canada and

38:32 So, you know we have to change footwear just to step out the door. And I have these slip-on house shoes that I wear and I leave them at the very bottom of the stairs where when my husband comes down the stairs he's going to trip on them. It's a terrible booby trap and I leave it there all the time! He has asked me 100 times not to do it and I can't remember so he has taken to hiding my shoes Like when he finds them there, he hides them so that I can't find them when i come back and they're in a different place every time. So it's a good reminder for me that as you just said you take it personally but 99.9% of the time it has nothing to do with you because I'm the one who leaves the last cup and spoon and whatever in the sink

39:19 And I'm sure like it's one of those things that my husband just rolls his eyes and goes, like why can't you watch the last three things that are there? And i don't know what it is. It's an old habit but yes... Like the discipline, the rules, the consequences, the requests um.. Like you just have to not be the person who has some expectation of like raising this child so that they become a good adult, you know? Like if I don't ask this person to clean up you know this child like how are who's going to ask them to do it. How are they gonna turn out? Like i feel responsible for them and that's where you have to let go and say This child has a father who lives in this house and possibly a mother who lives somewhere else

40:17 That's all they get. They get to see me cleaning up! And I'm modeling cleaning up and you are not enabling bad behavior. Like it is completely on the dad or in this situation because iIm talking about being a step-mom and a biological dad, It's on the dad to say, I expect you to do this. In fact, I want Tracy to remind you to do this. He can say that if he wants to but otherwise It's on the biological parent, yeah. Totally! And the assumed norm would be oh this is family I'm here as a parent and should be telling them off if they don't do their homework that's a reflection on me if she's wearing too much makeup that's a reflection of me Yeah As a bad boyfriend I am somehow responsible for that so there are just to many roles that a step-parent could

41:14 Inadvertently slash accidentally slash quite without realizing it was not the best thing to do, take on responsibilities that actually far from being the right or positive thing to do will undermine will cause friction will lead to problems. And when we when we become aware of this, Create a situation with the biological parent, our partner and even discuss it with the kids. This is who I am in this house. This is how I'll be. This is kind of what we expect of you towards me but I'm not going to do this and I'm not going to do that your dad will step in and do that or whoever the parent is. That seems quite grown up there's two things there isn't? There's the self-awareness and the grownup approach of the adults to do that in the first place

42:04 And then there's the willingness to have that conversation with the children at an age appropriate level. But there is a conversation to be had whatever age they're at? Oh, absolutely and to continue having conversations because the development of children is progressing all the time I heard from somebody just the other day who, I can't remember what she was commenting on but she said you know the little boy that i used to... You know my stepson who I used to give a bath and read bedtime stories. He's becoming a 12 now and he's turning into an adolescent boy and she said I really miss the little boy that I used to play games with and I'm not quite sure how to have this

42:56 You know, how to change my relationship with him. But great that she noticed that like things are changing and yeah it's going to change a lot! And I don't know there are so many moments...I just counseled a family who had had primary custody of the husband's three children for 15 years and they've just now gone to live with their mom And they went for a holiday and then COVID came, and they didn't come back because suddenly like the other... The family on the other side sort of warned them so strongly against traveling. It's not good to go you don't want to go there or whatever. And little by little they've like actually lost contact with these kids who they've raised since they were little wee and now they're 19 and 21 or something! They're just flabbergasted at how that could happen but

43:57 Like I said, it's you know the landscape is changing all the time. Yeah well i know that with any parent will know that uh...I say any parent if this is news to you and you're listening then good! I hope it makes an impact but certainly myself When they're babies, we like what's happening? He's throwing up. He's got a fever and then you find out he has a tooth and of course there are 20 more teeth in the next year oh he is having another tooth okay we've got that. And just this last year with my children both hitting puberty bizarrely at the same time because they're boy and girl on their two years apart I'm like

44:38 I had to keep catching myself feeling frustrated with them and be like, stop doing that. Why are you being like this? And he'd go why are you being like this? Oh, you're being like this because you're changing into another human being! Okay there's a TV show in the UK called Doctor Who and each time The Doctor dies it turns into a new kind of form has got completely different character or completely different gender now... So actually Rather than try and tell you off for not being who you used to be, I've got to relearn you and be a better parent. Be a new parent myself." Yeah! And when i was talking about the expectations there's two things there sometimes where the biological parent is a dad

45:31 The previous family might have been a situation where the biological mom is the person who is more suited by her personality to do the disciplining. You know, there's always one of the parents who You know, that it comes easier to them. It comes more naturally to say no or to hold limits, to make consequences you know? Good cop bad cop! And so if the wife was the bad cop and now dad is a single dad... ...it's not only that he's, you know all the natural guilt about the divorce and all of that is real and I would not advise anybody to try to just

46:17 The Jonnie Jensen Show, Jonnie Jensen, Tracy Poizner, Sometimes that his new partner will take over this role that he never liked doing and isn't very good at. Yeah, and in the case where the biological parent is a mom And you as a single guy are hooking up with somebody who has kids The same thing could be true especially if she's got teenage boys let's say that at some point they're

47:07 You know, they're big and strong and full of testosterone. And they are crying out for a male figure to kind of talk to them on the level that they can understand. And she's really hoping that her new partner is going to be some kind of disciplinarian who can bring some order to her family. You're kind of, I don't know. It's difficult and i think maybe sometimes it does work better with a guy who can relate maybe in not an authoritarian way but an authoritative way with the kids. It sometimes could work a little bit better but it just does not ever work for the moms to be the one

48:07 I'm The Jonnie Jensen Show,

48:51 The Jonnie Jensen Show, Jonnie Jensen, Tracy Poizner, What the couple can do to start to build that relationship up because you can't wake up one morning and say okay You're gonna love her. She's here to stay like it or not That's not going to work either I think again from Wednesday Martin's book Stepmonster There was a great quote that is from somebody else, I think and I can't remember who she's quoting But it's a great script To have in your back pocket which she says

49:37 That dad can say to his kids, you don't have to like Mary Susan Joanne whatever her name is. You don't have to like her but you do have to respect her and she's not a piece of furniture. You have to say hello when you come into the room like normal people do. You don't have to like her, but you have to be respectful and courteous. And she's here to stay. She's my friend. She's an important person to me. Sorry Tracy. That's okay. The hanging drawing in the window... Go on! No problem. So sometimes that's all it takes for the dad to acknowledge

50:32 The You're going to have bosses you don't like or colleagues or customers and clients you don't like that you have to learn how to be nice too, or you won't be successful. You're going to have in-laws that you don't like and you need to learn this skill of how to be courteous and respectful anyway. Yeah! And that combined with... so the stepmom's gonna stop trying

51:16 Be the mom and enforce rules. You know, Disney just takes what's out there in the human psyche and puts it on the screen. It's a real fear that your mother could die and the next woman who comes along has another agenda than your welfare because you're two parents

51:57 You are hardwired to believe, even when horribly sometimes it's not true but we're hardwired to believe that our own parents have nothing but our own welfare as their agenda. This other woman comes along and she definitely has another agenda. First of all, she can be having kids with your dad who can overtake you in importance and certainly Shakespeare made hay with that long before Disney came along. And she could potentially have other children that she's bringing into the family that she might treat better than she treats you

52:41 So there is an archetype already kind of in our minds of why we could be afraid of that. And so the point is that if you are standing in between your husband and his kids, I

53:27 If she's in the way of your attention or your love, or physically sitting next to you on the sofa so that they can't get in. She is blocking your kids from getting what they need from you and the way to become more appreciated or more loved or more part of the family is to get out of the way, to be invisible almost. The more you cannot be there, the closer you're going to get those kids it seems like the opposite road but its gonna take them years to stop being afraid that your in the way and when that fear is gone they are gonna be so appreciative about all that you do to help them to get more time and attention from their dad

54:18 You know, I have to tell you like that's where i am right now and i'm 15 years in and my husband's daughter it just can't stop talking about how appreciative she is of everything that i do for her. And it's something new but like she's just arrived there where she just feels comfortable and easy about it. And that's the long game! It sure is! That's about this in my coaching with dads In the moment, the box that we're in the sides are pretty close up and like the pain is or all the struggle whatever we're trying to strive for is right in the day or in the week. When we can look a bit at the long game We can be like ah well I didn't need to react to that because it's not that big of deal with the long game. You...I looked at your blog about its the one about how to stop shouting at your children Yeah Which I loved Thank you

55:14 And one of the things that you said was that you have to decide what matters and let the rest go. Yeah, and I think that's another conversation people can be having together to talk about what matters to you like what really matters? Like what are your most important values? What are you trying to leave with your kids as a legacy of yourself What's the most important thing about you that you want them to take away? The most important two or three things. Because sometimes, um... Sometimes, you know, you have goals for your kids and

55:57 You just know that you want them to get there, but you haven't really articulated why it's important to you. And I think when you know that and you can say it out loud It makes it really easy to focus on that and let go of the stuff that doesn't matter. When you talk about picking your battles or something You have to know what's important and what's not. And those are really good conversations to have, and it's not... we don't sit around saying, What's important to you? I mean it sounds sappy but I just heard somebody on a podcast last night talking to Brene Brown who is a great interviewer and researcher

56:37 He was saying that one of the most difficult but most important things that he had ever done with his wife was to go to one of the, you know they've gone a few times to those couples weekends where you learn communication techniques for couples or whatever. And he said it's excruciating! It's awful and it feels like ridiculous and stupid while you're doing it but he said it's the most important work that we've done learning how to talk to each other about Important things and to have even learning how to use conversation with each other, to uncover the important things that we have inside. And instead of talking about what's on television or what's on the news or gossiping about the neighbors or whatever you know? We have to learn to talk with our most important life partner about important stuff. Yeah time schedule it this is our

57:33 This is our get-together conversation. It's not a chit chat conversation, it's uh... Is there anything I do that doesn't really work for you? Is there anything i could do more of that you really appreciate?" You know what's another great tool that I heard about from somebody who I interviewed this comes from Jeffrey Hoffman who runs something called visible man dot org okay and he told me that um his partner In the early days of their dating, she started to make him do this exercise where they both had to write on a piece of paper A number from 1-10 that represented where they thought their relationship was at. Like how well is it going? How fulfilled you feel? How optimistic are you for our future together whatever like a number between one and ten You know and he said and then we have to flip them over at the same time

58:30 and talk about it. Like that she's at a nine and I'm at a six, it's like okay we have different ideas of how our relationship is progressing and we need to talk about that." And he said it's so uncomfortable but he said like... He said I give her full credit because I'm sure that's why we're still together. We have these moments where um like she makes us do that I'm at a nine and she's at five, and I didn't know that she was out of five. I think we're doing fine." And so it's like that's the moment where I have to realize that I am not paying attention to some cues that she is probably giving me... That she is not feeling very good about our relationship right now. So if we weren't having this

59:29 And I guess, especially in a blended family but equally in a standard family as well. Asking our kids that kind of stuff is really important as well Not putting them on the spot and making it a real intense thing, but just casually. How's things going at the moment? Anything I could do for you to make things easier anything that you don't really like anything... You know what else sorry i'm interrupting you again that's so rude No fine carry on! I was just gonna say that I love the concept of having family meetings yeah and they don't have to be like I think you have to do it often

1:00:20 The Jonnie Jensen Show, Jonnie Jensen, Tracy Poizner, You start the ball rolling with several meetings that are only about fun things so that the idea of it gets integrated, we're all going to sit around and everybody's going to talk about one really nice thing that happened this week or one difficult thing. You can do the rose-thorn bud system where everyone says good things and bad things and what I'm looking forward too

1:01:05 And then, of course, there's a lot more. Here's a prize, you did such good washing up last week or whatever. You start off really gentle and eventually you introduce a kind of agenda that stays on the refrigerator door where people can write down little peeves that they have like my stepbrother took my Legos and I was really mad and whatever so that you make a regular time to have conversations about things

1:01:47 You know that you add into this nice atmosphere the little things that people want to talk about and you make sure that kids get to talk without being interrupted. And, you make sure that you arrive at consensus solutions instead of compromise solutions because I never thought about this until i read it. I am not making this up, but I read about it somewhere. But compromise leaves everyone feeling a little bit off like everybody gave up something and consensus is where everyone leaves the table feeling okay about that decision. It has to be win-win so it takes a bit of practice to come to those things but what this person said is that

1:02:34 Compromise is a good way of arriving at a decision, like short term gain. Like the decision has to be made quickly and it's important that it happens now and it's something of a short-term solution or whatever but when You were just talking about what's the most important, and I think you would probably agree that the relationships are really the most important thing. And when long-term relationships are the goal, you have to work for consensus because that's where you're headed like the really important decision or solution to the problem

1:03:21 Beautiful, beautiful. Well that's a lovely, I think end to today's conversation because we've spoken about the need for the step-parent, the step mom or the step dad in their relationship to not put themselves in between them. The biological parent and the children. We've spoken about the step parent not trying to enforce their rules and their ways on on the family. And then we've ended with the importance of communication

1:04:07 And I really see that's a stepping stone, a pathway for families. I called todays session How to Create A Happy Blended Family and I really hope that anyone listening is always the gold at the end of a podcast conversation. This has been powerful and insightful and I know what I take from this as well This isn't some complicated thing you've got to work out, it's just doing the basics really well. Yeah yeah that's a really uh that's a really great way of saying it I love that! I'm probably going to quote you um very true very true there are there are basics and even though you feel like your situation is completely unique uh that's been

1:04:57 You know, that's been my work of the last three or four years is just mining for those nuggets of basic things that can work for everybody. And not looking around you and seeing what everyone else is doing without understanding What's special about that situation that allows that to work? That wouldn't work for me, you know. To tell everybody what joins you instead of what distinguishes you from other families which parts are the same and what can you get right in like you said the very foundational pieces. Yeah beautiful Tracy it has been lovely having you on this second part of conversation was so vital because it really was

1:05:45 I feel so honoured that you invited me for a second time, really. The feedback! Everyone's been saying they loved your conversation. Thank you What was that lady about the communication? Talking with the family... Tracy, that was Tracy So yeah they enjoyed every part of it, so that's brilliant and i'm sure we'll get the same feedback off this Just briefly remind us again where people can come and connect with you and join your community My website is EssentialStepmom.com And you can find me on Facebook at Essential Stepmom. And I have a Facebook community called The Spectacular Stepmom and the podcast is called Essential Stepmom, oh i really need to fix all that up but anyway... I'll tell you how we can fix that when we finish! Okay. I'll see you on the other side