How To Keep The Love Alive In Your Marriage

00:00 It's easy to fall in love. It's much harder to stay in love, but nobody teaches a man how to lead a relationship We're told to be nice, to be supportive and don't upset her And then we wonder why the spark dies This episode is about how to keep the love alive Roll theme Welcome to The Jonnie Jensen Show, where modern dads discover how to create the true riches relationships and results they deserve. Get your High Value Man blueprint and join our community at highvaluemanproject.com Let's go! Hello men welcome to The Jonnie Jensen Show it is great to have you back here I am your host Jonnie Jensen And i'm trying to find the screen there we go

00:50 Yes, The Jonnie Jensen Show. I am the founder and head coach at The High Value Man Project and we are on episode 172 of this podcast so things are going well since 2019 when we started If you are a dad, uh man and midlife dad who is looking to create success as much at home as it work. You know that's the dream having it all the home, the family, business, wife kids fun like thats the life we desire for ourselves an yet so often for too many of us it goes wrong something starts to drift We don't quite feel like ourselves That thing we were working hard for fades away

01:33 This episode is about love and of course, if you're watching or listening live or when it gets published, you'll know it's Valentine's Day tomorrow. One of the few global events that happens on the same day actually Mother's Day Father's Day all different for some reason but Valentine's Day Consistently on February the 14th. So wherever you're at in your relationship phase, I want you to tune in today and let this be a inspiration. You know, I don't want to call it like I'm teaching you how to stay in love that wouldn't be correct that this is just my experiences. This is my view on this thing called love.

02:12 I hope it's of value. I've got it wrong for many years and I believe that I am getting it much more right now than I ever have done, and like at 51 that probably...that's how it should be right? It definitely is how it should be but like I said in the intro, it's easy to fall in love and we often fall in love for all sorts of reasons right generally lust and passion or desperation you know on the dating apps. I've gotta find someone! You know, I want to share with you today that true love comes from somewhere more

02:50 It comes from inside you. It comes from being the man that you want to be, a constant theme inside of The High Value Man Project is that line, being the man and dad that you want to be and it's when you are not showing up like that your relationship starts to suffer and struggle. And there are also four archetypes of how men show up classically in relationships that don't really work There's interesting aspects of what women want and desire and look for in their husband, in their partner, in their boyfriend that again many men get wrong. And particularly in long-term relationships you know that kind of rut, that sort of drift is really what causes relationships to fail basically. Men not showing up for their

03:44 I want to say themselves more than anything, but men not showing up in a way that has their marriage. Stay healthy and vibrant and passionate. And we're going to look into all of those things, and then we're going to finish up with a run through of some basic tactics strategies for keeping the love alive for keeping the relationship thriving now at any level if you're gonna sit there and think oh I've learned this all before i'm gonna flick on to the next podcast in the next episode then don't Because it's a conversation, I know and we'll run for about 20 minutes or so like normal. But it is a conversation and some parts of this could be insightful for you in ways that you've not yet considered. Or something that you are aware of but are frustrated that it hasn't shifted and will create something here that will make a shift, that will create an opportunity to say it differently. You know, by the way, we have a relationship revival scorecard and I'm going to have

04:46 I give up. The Relationship Reset Conversation. You can go and get that for free, basically if you go to highvaluemanproject.com forward slash relationship reset then that'll get you into our Relationship Reset Conversation I've got an awesome scorecard and I've been forgotten the URL it's definitely one of those i think there's a...I think the redirect is not working for some reason anyway thanks for bearing with me whilst I try to do that for you

05:30 I tell you what, if you go to highvaluemanproject.com forward slash group that will get you into our free Basecamp level of the community and there are links to all of our relationship resources and tools in there at the free level which you can just get yourself why didn't i send you there Anyway, back on track. Yeah and if listen if any of this resonates with you today then absolutely please share it with other men in your life go over to Apple Podcasts and Spotify and leave us a review because that helps this podcast grow and if you want to work with me find out more about what the High Value Man

06:09 Love, love is in the air. There's a famous Phil Collins song about love as well. Anyway, what is it that goes wrong in relationships? I've stood in the supermarket this morning doing my thing right buying some flowers getting the card and there's a part of it that's a load of bollocks right you know it's Valentine's Day why should you do those things on one day of the year and not other 364? Well of course you shouldn't

07:00 But it's a bit of fun, you know. It's a moment in the year...it's actually mine and Jo's anniversary we had our first date on February 14th. We didn't even plan it to be Valentine's Day! It was just COVID times and you're only allowed to go for a walk and it just happened to be the first day that we could get together and go for a walk. And here we are five years later but It's definitely can't be the only time of the year you express true unbridled love for your wife or partner. Girlfriend, I hate that expression partner like me and my partner, me and my girlfriend long-term girlfriend woman I adore right? I don't know what my issues are with the word partner do you have that? Do you call your partner your partner? I think it sounds like a...I dunno doesn't sound very sexy does it not a lot

07:52 You know, before I get stuck into the meat of this topic. If you are going out and it's probably a bit late for it but if you're listening to this and it's on Valentine's Day and you haven't bought the card yet there probably won't be that many cards left in the shop so you might have to make one but even then do not just open the card and put Dear Sue! I love you? Like come on take it as an opportunity to really express how you feel about her The things you're grateful for, the things you love about her. The things that you notice that she might not realize you see like that's how you show

08:28 Your true feelings and connection to her. And we'll get into that as one of the sort of tips and guidance at the end of this, but what is it that has relationships go stale? Has them go wrong? Staying in love is the most important thing. Who am I to say this right? Married for seven years, five isn't not very great divorced. And here I am preaching to you about staying in love It's a lot of what I've read and studied, and I'm sharing it back to you. Staying in love, like actual love. And I don't just mean a relationship that functions like roommates, like oh we've been together 40 years so great! I'm talking about intimacy, passion laughter, like actually being happy to share your life with the person that you're with and the person that you say you're in love with it's said it's a living thing. You have to nurture it and look after it right? And love as a man is about leadership

09:31 Which might sound like outside of what we are constantly being told these days about toxic masculinity and misogyny and control, and bully. Like that's not what we're talking about here. Leadership in your relationship is showing up as a confident strong clear intended man who's on a mission man has got something about him That's the kind of person that someone would want to be in love with, would want to wake up each morning and share their life with. So it doesn't have to be standing on stage being the most confident man in the room. It's about an inner confidence and that confidence and clarity comes from knowing who you are and knowing what you're up to. And is the responsibility of every man to be that person?

10:28 To have that clear direction and energy so that when you're with her, she gets a sense of being in your space. She chooses to be engaged in what you're creating and now I would hope that your are equally engaged and interested in what she's creating but that's how you fuel Attraction. That's how you fuel energy and desire inside of something. If you think back to how most of us got together, there was an intention there. There was a desire like you wanted to find someone you wanted to be interested in. You wanted to have fun together. You wanted to fall in love so we gotta keep that alive if we want the love to stay alive. And I don't just mean love like well, we've been together this long with me now. I mean real energized love

11:22 Because that's the magic of being together with someone, for me as I see it. So this leadership idea right then Fall into some common traps and how we show up in relationship. Women do not want a fixer, like every time she opens her mouth you've got an answer or suggestion of what she should or could do. They don't want to bully someone who's constantly leaving her stressed and worried about where he is or what he's doing or who he spending time with or if he shagging someone else they don't want a boy! A little boy that they're running around looking after and cleaning up after

12:02 They don't want a man who needs mothering, someone who's really empathetic and needy. And could you just get me this? Or could you just do me that forgetting that she's had a busy day as well. They want the man who knows who he is and leadership. You've got to understand that masculinity, as I talk about inside The High Value Man Project is masculinity is your definition of being the man that you want to be So there is a strength and confidence and presence about it, but it's your version of that. It's leading the life that you're creating. It doesn't need shouting. It's not about dominating her. It's not about six packs. It's about direction, emotional steadiness ability to see the bigger picture, to be calm and supportive. It's about not being reactive, open communication

12:57 The Jonnie Jensen Show, Jonnie Jensen These actually fall into four archetypes, four definitions of modern men. I guess historically as well but that men get wrong right? And i'm going to run through these with you and I want you to see where you see or hear pieces of yourself in this and i'm not sharing this as fault or blame or to tell you that you're getting it all wrong right but consider that this is not how

13:34 A man shows up in his life, in his relationship and gets the response back that he wants. Underneath it all fundamentally for me because this is where I'm coming from on this subject is that the women in your life feels supported, encouraged that she's able to thrive. That she's got a life of her own that she's excited to talk about you and what you've created together and when she comes home she is as excited to see you as you are excited to see her. You get into bed looking forward to cuddling up to each other. You wake up looking forward to seeing what another day holds for you together in your life like it's not rocket science why would you want anything less than that really?

14:21 So, number one the nice guy. If you've read Dr Glover's book, Dr Robert Glover's book No More Mr Nice Guy is literally essential reading for every man this is who I was in all of my relationships prior to my divorce and prior to the wonderful relationship that I've created and will be our fifth year anniversary tomorrow So the nice guy is desperate to be for approval. He wants everything to work out, he wants her to be looked after

14:58 The Jonnie Jensen Show, Jonnie Jensen And there's a transactional side in your mind at least that if I do this, then she'll give me that back. She doesn't really necessarily know about it and when you don't get the response you want, you generally panic and then try more like... You know? That just leads her to pull away more and then you try more and more and this is the nice guy syndrome like in effect. You think that love equals effort

15:52 And actually, the more you do that the less attractive you become. The less you show up as yourself You're just this guy who's always like chasing around and seeing what he can do for her Okay, next up number two. The bully boy! This is your classic... it's not even your classic treat them mean keep them keen type thing right because he generally gets the girls right and he generally you know probably a bit of a player but this bullyboy thing like you're in us you're in a relationship you're in a committed relationship and he's very He's dismissive of your needs. He's reactive to situations, he's unattentive defensive at anything that you know any suggestion that he's doing something wrong or he's not available like it's met with this reactive response and what is what he's doing there is using his dominance to mask his own insecurities and its... You could call this one you know that classic like old school bloke traditional

16:52 But everything gets turned into a power play. These guys are generally the ones that are, you know spending all the money getting pissed not being available coming home late like expecting everything to be done and when it's not creating a problem about it The woman in this relationship feels belittled she feels insecure she probably feels a bit threatened It's not a nice place for her to be and you're probably not a nice bloke And to be fair, there probably aren't many bully boys listening to this. Okay next up number three the man-child. This guy avoids responsibility he's literally the little boy around the house. He has to be cleaned up after, he doesn't help do anything you know? He's looking to be mothered really

17:43 He escapes into his own hobbies or is busy at work, or playing on his PlayStation or social media. Like he's distracted by his own little interests and world. He avoids hard conversations and expects everything to just be chugging along nicely because he's happy so why shouldn't everyone else be happy? No! You're not stepping up you're just waiting to be mothered and lovers The Jonnie Jensen Show, Jonnie Jensen Show, Jonnie Jensen

18:51 The Jonnie Jensen Show, Jonnie Jensen Show, And this all comes back to, particularly the nice guy, the man child and the shadow. This comes back to like real evolutionary stuff where women are drawn to men who are going to give them security or who are going to provide them with children, who are going to have them stay alive basically right? When that security goes women take more control out of their own need to survive okay so

19:39 So it's not about women being nagging or women being bossy, or women being all the things that they often get accused of. They become that because the man is not showing up in their relationship. The man is not being who he needs to be. The bully boy has a slightly different subject but you know we all know those kind of guys are not very nice So where I'm getting to in that is that the high value man way, is the way that keeps the relationship alive. It's one way of being that has her talk about you as wow yeah he's awesome we have a lot of fun he helps out like he's interested in what I have to say He's available for me We share the load Like it's fun! I look forward seeing him when he gets home He looks forward to seeing me

20:29 So this self-leadership thing, it's not selfish. Sorry, this leadership thing is not selfish. It's self leadership itself led and for anybody that has listened to the podcast before you'll know exactly where I'm going to go here because this is the fundamental structure of The High Value Man System For Living. Is the 3XC which is clarity courage and commitment? Being clear about who you are and what you want, having the courage to address difficult things. To state your intention, to build positive relationships, to have open communications, to listen like that's the courage to be your true self and the commitment is showing up doing what you know you need to do not just being the man you want but create a life that you desire someone she respects desires because

21:21 What women get fed up with, right? Which you might've taken from those archetypes is a man that she can't count on. Now if you're providing the money and running the business and doing all those things that you think he's doing your share, you can't get the ass with her about her wanting you to do more around the home or art because they're two separate worlds And by the way, if you ever end up divorced you're going to have to do all those things anyway. Being a single dad is bloody hard work because you're having to do both sides of the whole 360 degrees of work life parenting literally doing it all so understanding what a woman wants and being that is this conversation we're having but it's also asking your partner

22:17 Right? The Relationship Reset Conversation is a structure, not really for a back and forth like discussion but a listening exercise where you get to share what you are grateful for. Like what you love about her and then she does the same back to you then you talk about what you're looking for in the relationship like what does the ideal relationship look like for you? What is the future your living into looks like And then frustrations, not you this you that but it doesn't really work for me when this happens or I don't understand what's going on when the other thing happens. When i feel like you're nagging me or we never spend any time together

23:10 I'm a war worker, or go and play golf. So that's what's going on. It's a level of understanding about each other and how you're reacting to situations because that relationship reset allows you to have an insight into each other's hopes and dreams for the relationships, what you're grateful for as well as what your frustrations are. And then each of you can choose to make a commitment in supporting that in showing up a different way Because that's like a thriving relationship. If we think about what it takes to keep a plant alive or what it takes to keep your car performing, every aspect of the day-to-day routine, the day-to-day mechanics needs to be looked after and the relationship is the same

23:55 Because what we don't want, and this is what happens in so many relationships. We don't want the nonsense of couples not talking to each other for days or rolling their eyes at certain things or coming in from work and the first thing you get is do this? Do that? Where have you been? What's happening here because then it turns into a reactive situation but the reactive situation We'll be born out of not knowing what each other wants, not feeling confident and secure in the relationship. Not knowing about the ambitions and direction so you've got to understand that... And I'm not sure I've done a great job in describing it all very well but women don't leave because of one big thing right? Unless she's having had an affair clearly that's one big thing but even affairs they generally occur because other parts of their relationship are broken

24:45 Relationships generally break through a long lasting drip of disconnection and dissatisfaction. So the relationship reset is one part of addressing that, and the other part of addressing it is just a structure of workability, of playfulness, of going out on dates, of quality time together. You know you've got to remember what it was like to flirt with each other It's that sense of attraction, intimacy and passion. It's very different for women and men. And sex is one particular topic inside a long-term relationship which gets wrapped up in this love thing. Relationships crumble because of lack of sex often or frustrations rise because of the lack of sex. You've got to understand even on this topic for women more so than men

25:39 Passion and intimacy, attraction. Sex is born out of the whole package. It's born out of how she feels when you help out at home. It's how she feels when she comes home from doing whatever she was doing and dinner is made like it's when you make quality time for her And if you haven't read The Five Love Languages. Then you both have to read that because knowing what each other thrives on, what they react positively to in the relationship, what they need is essential because then you can do those little things for each other that keep the love alive, that make them feel secure and wanted supported and off the back of that comes passion becomes desire, becomes attraction, becomes intimacy, becomes passion. Communication! You know

26:31 One of the most powerful sentences a man can say to his partner is at the start of a conversation when she's talking to you or when you ask her how her day went, and she starts to tell you all this stuff. Do not go into fixer mode! And you could even ask her sometimes, that sounds awful. Like what a stressful day? Do you like do just want me to listen and really be here for you or do you want me to comment and come up with some suggestions? It might surprise you when she says sort of eight out of 10 times I really just want you to listen and be here for me because men naturally want to fix women don't always wanna be fixed

27:11 And then just the dynamics of the relationship and how it's allowed to fester is what we need to put an end to. The relationship reset helps like fix that, it helps create a fresh start but then we have to call it out more consistently more in the moment moving forward and what I mean by that is those kind of roll-the-eyes huffy not speak to someone for a day let alone a week or whatever it might be Like we're not doing that. We're not, we're not having that exist in our relationship if something's wrong let me know there's this thing that I do regularly that does your head in like ask me about it don't tell me about it point the finger and you this you that but asked me about it A real one for me In particular It comes up my daughter is very sensitive to it Is me being late for things And its really easy for me To say well I was only two minutes late

28:12 Whatever the time might've been, and it isn't intentional. And actually far from it I'm generally intending to be exactly on time but being aware of that and showing up talking about my girlfriend let alone sorry my daughter let alone my girlfriend showing up five minutes early completely transforms the rest of that day or the next hour So you've got to understand, this is a really classic example that you can't say it's only five minutes and have the arse with her when actually the opposite would have given you the result. The preferred result that you desired being five minutes early or being there on time would have avoided that conversation would have given her the sense of security that she can trust you to be there. That you know that she doesn't like standing there on our own for five minutes like she gets that you get her

29:03 So it's that level of awareness and responsibility in situations. Like I said, calling stuff out when it happens as well but it requires you to be able to see what you can be responsible for. Chapters! Our life is full of chapters and respecting that is so essential inside a relationship because Who she is today is not who you married. She's grown, you've grown your older she's older You've had kids... like life stages, life chapters let alone reaching these perimenopause menopause people do change It's up to you as the man to be aware of that and to lead inside of that What's going on for us right now? What are you need what I need what are we creating

29:49 That's a wonderful place to be. It's completely the opposite of not talking about it and every time something comes up that is inconsistent with what you want or what you thought you were creating, and now one or both of you are sitting there frustrated. Every chapter needs a conscious reset and you being aware of it, you leading it... So sex has to be brought into this okay? Because for men, love and affection, healthiness of the relationship. The health of a relationship is linked into sex life and again in terms of communication how often do conversations... Do you have conversations around what are you like? What am I like? How can we, where are we at? What do we want things to be? Let's go and look round a sex shop! And not buy this or buy that but actually just go there for a laugh

30:49 Get interested in what is available and what you're up to. Reading books, there's now of course if you didn't know this but you know there's actually like video courses for couples around sex You know, there's a couple of different guests lined up for the podcast. You can go back and listen to the Steve Badansky episode. Sex is an important subject. It doesn't just happen by accident. And if you've been in their relationship a long time then of course it's going to need freshening up. Imagine going and eating in the same restaurant every week or with any luck twice a week for the last 20 years! It would be boring

31:31 So you've got to look into what the options are and then going back up the conversation, men have to recognize that sexual attraction for women is very different. You know it kind of takes a little bit of a run-up whereas men can just get the horn. No don't get me wrong women can just get the horn but being the man being attractive being someone that deserves passion is something that you can I'm And just being able to laugh and play together, like holding hands. Actually engaging in hugs for slightly longer than two seconds. Snogging! Like getting back to basics of what it was like when you were dating and if your wife is just not up for any of that then you do have the right to have a conversation along the lines of what's going on here? Are we are in this different place in our relationship because it's important therefore that we both understand that

33:01 Being frustrated about sex, having arguments about sex is too common and the way to resolve it is everything we've been talking about today. So love! Love is not something I'm going to wrap this up. Love is not something you can take for granted. It's not something that you can just expect as a result of being together for a long time and The thing I want every man listening to this to realize is that the conversation you should have first is with the man in the mirror. Are you dateable? Are you shaggable? Is it like, is the way that your showing up...is your weight, your fitness, your happiness, your playfulness are you funny? Are you knowledgeable? Have you got friends? Have you got a direction in life? Like would you date you?

33:50 And then you look to take control of that yourself, shape up. Focus on yourself because what you'll get from that this is the high value man system from living what you'll get from that is your own energy levels going up, your own confidence and how you show up as your true self will increase. The essential feel good chemicals a man needs to thrive will be pumping through your body because you are up to stuff Fitness, fun knowledge. Managing money and joy in work all these common themes for us and then you get to say to her right what's happening? What do you need? What are we up to let's have a relationship reset conversation let's create a new chapter like tell me what you need tell me what this is like for you to be in a relationship with me Let's create something brand-new because ultimately men as stale and as challenging your relationship might be

34:51 Going out and creating a brand new one might not be as easy as you think. That whole grass isn't always greener on the other side of the fence thing. Now, there are previous episodes about staying in relationships that aren't working go back and listen to those I'll do another one in a few weeks so know it's in the schedule but right now this is about Valentine's Day It's about staying in love. It's about enjoying the relationship that you deserve I hope this has been of value. Please share it with other men in your life, give us a review over on Apple or Spotify and get yourself highvaluemanproject.com relationship reset will get you the relationship reset tool. It's actually free at the moment is other times is charged for but if you go there right now it will be free and come on over to the highvaluemanproject.com forward slash group that will get you in at the free level of our community

35:45 And access to all our tools, conversations weekly accountability calls. Men I look forward to seeing you on the next episode let's go! Thanks for tuning in to The Jonnie Jensen Show be sure to subscribe leave a review and share it with fellow dads creating the life you deserve starts with you get your high value man blueprint and join our community of motivated modern dad at HighValueManProject.com Let's Go