How To Keep The Love Alive In Your Marriage

00:00 It's easy to fall in love. It's much harder to stay in love, but nobody teaches a man how to lead a relationship. We're told to be nice, to be supportive and don't upset her. And then we wonder why the spark dies. This episode is about how to keep the love alive. Roll theme. Welcome to the Johnny Jensen Show, where modern dads discover how to create the true riches, relationships and results they deserve. Get your high value man blueprint and join our community at highvalumanproject.com. Let's go. Hello men. Welcome to the Johnny Jensen show. It's great to have you back here.

00:44 I am your host, Johnny Jensen, and I am trying to find the screen. There we go. Yes, the Johnny Jensen Show. I am the founder and head coach at the High Value Man Project and we are on episode 172 of this podcast. So things are going well since 2019 when we started. If you are a dad, a man, a midlife dad, who is looking to create success as much at home as at work, you know, that's the dream, having it all. The home, the family, the business, the wife, the kids, the fun, like that's the life we desire for ourselves. And yet so often for too many of us, it goes wrong. Something starts to drift.

01:27 We don't quite feel like ourselves. That thing that we were working hard for fades away. This episode is about love. And of course, if you're watching or listening live or when it gets published, you'll know it's Valentine's Day tomorrow. One of the few global events that happens on the same day, actually, Mother's Day, Father's Day, all different for some reason. But Valentine's Day, consistently on February the 14th. So wherever you're at in your relationship phase, I want you to tune in today and let this be a inspiration. You know, I don't want to call it like I'm teaching you how to stay in love.

02:05 That wouldn't be correct. This is just my experiences. This is my view on this thing called love. I hope it's a value. I've got it wrong for many years and I believe that I am getting it much more right now than I ever have done. And like at 51, that's probably, that's how it should be, right? It definitely is how it should be. But like I said in the intro, it's easy to fall in love. And we often fall in love for all sorts of reasons, right? Generally lust and passion or desperation, you know, on the dating apps. I've got to find someone.

02:40 I've got to find someone. You know, what I want to share with you today that true love comes from somewhere more accessible than that. It comes from inside you. It comes from being the man that you want to be. A constant theme inside of the High Value Man Project is that line, being the man and dad that you want to be. And it's when you are not showing up like that, your relationship starts to suffer and struggle. And there are also four archetypes of how men show up classically in relationships that don't really work.

03:16 And we're going to go through those. There's interesting aspects of what women want and desire and look for in their husband, in their partner, in their boyfriend. That again, many men get wrong. And particularly in long-term relationships, you know, that kind of rut, that sort of drift is really what causes relationships to fail, basically. Men not showing up for their, I'm not, I want to say themselves more than anything, but men not showing up in a way that has their marriage stay healthy and vibrant and passionate.

03:55 And we're going to look into all of those things. And then we're going to finish up with a run through of some basic tactics, strategies for keeping the love alive, for keeping the relationship thriving. Now, at any level, if you're going to sit there and think, oh, I've learned this all before, I'm going to flick on to the next podcast, the next episode, then don't. Because it's a conversation, I know, and we'll run for about 20 minutes or so like normal, but it is a conversation. And some parts of this could be insightful for you in ways that you've not yet considered. Or it's something that you are aware of, but are frustrated that it hasn't shifted. And we'll kind of create something here that will make a shift, that will create an opportunity for something to be different.

04:37 You know, we have, by the way, a relationship revival scorecard. And I'm going to have to look up the bloody score here. Hold tight. High value relationship. Relationship score. I can't believe I was about to give you the wrong relationship score. Oh, this is terrible podcast, isn't it? No, there we go. I give up. The relationship reset conversation. You can go and get that for free, basically. If you go to highvalumanproject.com forward slash relationship reset, then that'll get you into our relationship reset conversation.

05:18 I've got an awesome scorecard and I've been forgotten the URL. It's definitely one of those. I think there's a, I think the redirect is not working for some reason. Anyway, thanks for bearing with me whilst I try to do that for you. I tell you what, if you go to highvalue manproject.com forward slash group, that will get you into our free base camp level of the community. And there are links to all of our relationship resources and tools in there at the free level, which you can just get yourself. Why didn't I send you there in the first place? Anyway, back on track. Yeah. And if listen, if any of this resonates with you today, then absolutely please share it with other men in your life.

05:58 Go over to Apple Podcasts and Spotify and leave us a review because that helps this podcast grow. And if you want to work with me, find out more about what the high value man system for living can do for you, then simply go to highvalue manproject.com forward slash turbo call and that'll drop you into my diary for a 15 minute intro. You can share what you're up to and what your frustrations and what your goals are around creating the life that you desire. And I'll explain to you how the system for living can give you all of that. So love. Love is in the air. There's a famous Phil. What's the Phil Collins song about love as well?

06:38 Anyway, what is it that goes wrong in relationships? I've stood in the supermarket this morning doing my thing, right? Buying some flowers, getting the card. And there's a part of it that's a load of bollocks, right? It's, you know, it's Valentine's Day. Why should you do those things on one day of the year and not the other 364? Well, of course you shouldn't, but it's a bit of fun. You know, it's a moment in the year. It's actually mine and Joe's anniversary. We had our first date on February the 14th. We didn't even plan it to be Valentine's Day. It was just COVID times and you're only allowed to go for a walk and it just happened to be the first day that we could get together and go for a walk.

07:19 And here we are five years later. But it's definitely, it can't be the only time of the year you express true unbridled love for your for your wife or partner, girlfriend. I hate that expression partner. Me and my partner. I know. Me and my girlfriend, long-term girlfriend, woman I adore, right? I don't know what my issues are with the word partner. Do you have that? Do you call your partner your partner? I think it sounds like a, I don't know, it doesn't sound very sexy, does it? Not a lot of passion there. But, you know, before I get stuck into the meat of this topic, if you are going out, it's probably a bit late for it, but if you're listening to this and it's on Valentine's Day and you haven't bought the card yet, there probably won't be that many cards left in the shop.

08:04 So you might have to make one. But even then, do not just open the card and put, dear Sue, I love you, question mark. Like, come on. Take it as an opportunity to really express how you feel about her, the things you're grateful for, the things you love about her, the things that you notice that she might not realize you see. Like, that's how you show your true feelings and connection to her. And we'll get into that as one of the sort of tips and guidance at the end of this. But what is it that has relationships go stale, has them go wrong? Staying in love is the most important thing. And who am I to say this, right?

08:49 Married for seven years, five of them not very great, divorced, and here I am preaching to you about staying in love. It's a lot of what I've read and studied, and I'm sharing it back to you. Staying in love, like actual love, and I don't just mean a relationship that functions, like roommates, like, oh, we've been together 40 years, so great. I'm talking about intimacy, passion, laughter, like actually being happy to share your life with the person that you're with, that the person that you say you're in love with. It's a living thing. You have to nurture it and look after it, right? And love as a man is about leadership,

09:31 which might sound like outside of what we are constantly being told these days about toxic masculinity and misogyny and control and bullying. That's not what we're talking about here. Leadership in your relationship is showing up as a confident, strong, clear. intended, like man who's on a mission, man who's got something about him. That's the kind of person that someone would want to be in love with, would want to wake up each morning and share their life with. So, it's about, and it doesn't have to be standing on stage being the most confident man in the room.

10:15 It's about an inner confidence. And that confidence and clarity comes from knowing who you are and knowing what you're up to. And it is the responsibility of every man to be that person to have that clear direction and energy so that when you're with her, she gets a sense of being in your space. She chooses to be in you know engaged in what you're creating. And now, I would hope that you are equally engaged and interested in what she's creating. But that's how you fuel attraction, that's how you fuel energy and desire inside of something.

10:57 If you think back to how most of us got together, there was an intention there, there was a desire, like you wanted to find someone, you wanted to be interested in, you wanted to have fun together, you wanted to fall in love. So, we've got to keep that alive if we want the love to stay alive. You know, and I don't just mean love, like, well, we've been together this long, we, you know, I mean like real energized love because that's that's the magic of being together with someone for me as I as I see it. So, this leadership idea, right? Men fall into some common traps and how we show up in relationship.

11:38 Women do not want a fixer, like every time she opens her mouth, you've got an answer or a suggestion of what she should or could do. They don't want a bully, someone who's constantly leaving her stressed and worried about where he is or what he's doing or who he's spending time with or if he's shagging someone else. They don't want a boy, a little boy that they're running around looking after and cleaning up after. They don't want a man who needs mothering, someone who's really empathetic and needy. And could you just get me this or could you just do me that? Forgetting that she's had a busy day as well. They want a man who knows who he is. And leadership, you've got to understand that masculinity, as I talk about it inside the High Value Man project, is masculinity is your definition of being the man that you want to be.

12:27 So there is a strength and confidence and presence about it, but it's your version of that. It's leading the life that you're creating. It doesn't need shouting. It's not about dominating her. It's not about six packs. It's about direction, emotional steadiness, ability to see the bigger picture, to be calm and supportive. It's about not being reactive. You know, open communication. That knowing, most of all, in this context, about what you want in the relationship. And if you don't lead your relationship, it will drift. So these actually fall into four archetypes, four definitions of modern men, I guess historically as well, but that men get wrong.

13:15 Right? And I'm going to run through these with you. And I want you to see where you see or hear pieces of yourself in this. And I'm not sharing this as fault or blame or to tell you that you're getting it all wrong, right? But consider that this is not how a man shows up in his life, in his relationship, and gets the response back that he wants. That underneath it all, fundamentally for me, because this is where I'm coming from in this subject, is that the women in your life, the woman, the woman in your life, feels supported, encouraged, that she's able to thrive, that she's got a life of her own, that she's excited to talk about you and what

13:59 you've created together. And when she comes home, she's as excited to see you as you are excited to see her. You get into bed looking forward to cuddling up to each other. You wake up looking forward to seeing what another day holds for you together in your life. Like it's not rocket science. Why would you want anything less than that? Really? So number one, the nice guy. If you've read Dr. Glover's book, Dr. Robert Glover's book, No More Mr. Nice Guy, is literally essential reading for every man. This is who I was in all of my relationships prior to my divorce and prior to the wonderful relationship that I've created and will be our fifth year anniversary tomorrow.

14:43 So the nice guy is desperate to, he's just desperate to be nice. desperate to be for approval, is the expression I was trying to uh get there, right? He wants everything to work out, he wants her to be looked after, but he fixates on that. And then, from an expectation that if I give her what she needs, if I make her happy, if I don't rock the boat, then I'm going to have a happy wife, that I'm going to get some sex at the weekend, that we're going to have a good time. Like, it's all in service of being nice enough that you'll get what you want back. But the problem with this is it's born out of expectation, and it's not often expectation that's communicated.

15:27 And there's a transactional side in your mind, at least, that if I do this, then she'll give me that back. But she doesn't really necessarily know about it. And when you don't get the response you want, you generally panic and then try more, like you know, and then that just leads her to pull away more, and then you try more and more. And this is the nice guy syndrome, like in effect. You think that love equals effort, and actually, the more you do that, the less attractive you become, the less you show up as yourself. You're just this guy that's always like chasing around, like seeing what you can do for her. Okay, next up, number two, the bully boy. This is your classic, it's not even your classic treat and me and keep them keen type thing, right?

16:10 Because he generally gets the girls, right? And he generally, you know, he's probably a bit of a player, but this bully boy thing, like you're in a you're in a relationship, you're in a committed relationship, and he's very dismissive of your needs, he's reactive to situations, he's unattentive, defensive at anything that you know, any suggestion that he's doing something wrong or he's not available. Like it's met with this reactive response. And but he's what he's doing there is he's using his dominance to mask his own insecurities. And it's you could call this one, you know, that classic, like old school bloke, you know, traditional.

16:52 But everything gets turned into a into a power play. These guys are generally the ones that are, you know, spending all the money, getting pissed, not being available, coming home late, like, like, like expecting everything to be done. And when it's not creating a problem about it, the woman in this relationship feels belittled, she feels insecure, she probably feels a bit threatened. It's not a nice place for her to be in. And you're probably not a nice bloke. And to be fair, there probably aren't many bully boys listening to this. Okay, next up, number three, the man-child. This guy avoids responsibility. He's literally the little boy around the house. He has to be cleaned up after.

17:37 He doesn't help do anything. He's, you know, he's looking to be mothered, really. He escapes into his own hobbies or is busy at work or playing on his game state game, PlayStation, or social media. Like he's distracted by his own little interests and world. He avoids hard conversations and expects everything to just be chugging along nicely because he's happy. So why shouldn't everyone else be happy? No, you're not stepping up. You're just waiting to be mothered. And lovers, they don't need to be mothered. She's got kids for that. She married you for passion and for support and for security and fun and joy.

18:20 Okay, so be a man if you want the passion to stay alive. And then the fourth one is the shadow. He's withdrawn, he's emotionally unavailable, very passive. This is the guy that doesn't say anything ever. But whilst he's doing so, he's letting resentment build silently. He doesn't know what to do. He's lacking confidence inside of the relationship. And the more that he shows up like this, the more the woman will assert her control over the marriage and the relationship.

18:59 Not in a controlling way necessarily, but underneath that comes a lack of confidence in the relationship. There's a lack of security there for her about the relationship, about the future of the relationship. And this comes all comes back to particularly the nice guy, the man-child and the shadow. This comes back to like real evolutionary stuff where women are drawn to men who are going to give them security, who are going to provide them with children, who are going to have them stay alive, basically, right? When that security goes, women take more control out of their own need to survive.

19:39 Okay. So it's not about women being nagging or women being bossy or women being all the things. things that they often get accused of. They become that because the man is not showing up in the relationship. The man is not being who he needs to be. The bully boy, that's a slightly different subject, but you know, we all know those kind of guys, not very nice. So where I'm getting to in that is that the high-value man way is the way that keeps the relationship alive. It's the one way of being that has her talk about you as, wow, yeah, he's awesome. We have a lot of fun. He helps out. Like, he's interested in what I have to say.

20:20 He's available for me. We share the load. Like, it's fun. I look forward to seeing him when he gets home. He looks forward to seeing me. So this self-leadership thing, it's not selfish. Sorry, this leadership thing. It's not selfish. It's self-leadership. It's self-led. And for anybody that's listened to the podcast before, you'll know exactly where I'm going to go here because this is the fundamental structure of the high-value man system for living. It's the 3XC, which is clarity, courage, and commitment. Being clear about who you are and what you want, having the courage to address difficult things, to state your intention, to build positive relationships, to have open communications, to listen, like that's the courage to be your true self.

21:07 And the commitment is showing up, doing what you know you need to do to not just be the man you want to be, but to create the life that you desire. Someone that she respects, desires. Because what women get fed up with, right? Which you might have taken from those archetypes, is a man that she can't count on. Now, if you're providing the money and running the business and doing all those things that you think is doing your share, you can't get the ass with her about her wanting you to do more around the home or, you know, like, because they're two separate worlds. And by the way, if you ever end up divorced, you're going to have to do all those things anyway.

21:51 Being a single dad is bloody hard work because you're having to do both sides, the whole 360 degrees of work, life, parenting, you know, literally doing it all. So understanding what a woman wants and being that is this conversation we're having, but it's also asking your partner, right? The relationship reset conversation is a structure, not really for a back and forth discussion, but a listening exercise where you get to share what you are grateful for, like what you love about her.

22:33 And then she does the same back to you. Then you talk about what you're looking for in the relationship. Like what does the ideal relationship look like for you? What does the future you're living into look like? And then frustrations, not you this, you that, but it doesn't really work for me when this happens. Or I don't understand what's going on when this other thing happens. I'm looking and then when I feel like you're nagging me or when I feel like we never spend any time together, I then go off and do more work or I go and play golf or like, so that's what's going on.

23:14 It's a level of understanding about each other and how you're reacting to situations. Because that relationship reset allows you to have an insight into each other's hopes and dreams for the relationships, what you're grateful for as well as what your frustrations are. And then each of you can choose to make a commitment in supporting that, in showing up a different way. Because that's like a thriving relationship. If we think about what it takes to keep a plant alive or what it takes to keep your car performing, every aspect of the day-to-day routine, the day-to-day mechanics needs to be looked after.

23:53 And the relationship is the same. Because what we don't want, this is what happens in so many relationships, we don't want the nonsense of couples not talking to each other for days or rolling their eyes at certain things or coming in from work. And the first thing you get is, do this, do that, where have you been? What's happening here? Because then it turns into a reactive situation. The reactive situation will be born out of not knowing what each other wants, not feeling confident and secure in the relationship, not knowing about the ambitions and direction. So you've got to understand that, and I'm not sure I've done a great job in describing it all very well, but women don't leave because of one big thing, right?

24:36 Unless you've been having an affair, clearly that's one big thing. But even affairs. they generally occur because other parts of the relationship are broken relationships generally break through a long-lasting drip of disconnection and dissatisfaction so the relationship reset is is one part of addressing that and the other part of addressing it is just a structure of workability of playfulness of going out on dates of quality time to together you know you've got to remember what it was like to flirt with each other

25:13 it's that sense of attraction right intimacy and passion it's it's very different for women and men and sex is one particular topic inside of long-term relationships which gets wrapped up in in in in this love thing and relationships crumble because of a lack of sex often or frustrations rise because of a lack of sex but you've got to understand even on this topic for women more so than men passion and intimacy attraction sex is born out of the whole package it's born out of how she feels when you help out at home it's how she feels when she comes home

25:53 from doing whatever she was doing and dinner's made like it's when you make quality time for her and if you haven't read um the five love languages then you both have to read that because knowing what each other thrives on what they react positively to in the relationship what they need is essential because then you can do those little things for each other that keep the love alive that make them feel secure and wanted supported and off the back of that comes passion well becomes desire becomes attraction becomes intimacy becomes passion communication

26:30 you know one of the most powerful and sentences a man can say to his partner is at the start of a conversation when she's talking to you or when you ask her how her day went and she starts to tell you all this stuff is do not go into fixer mode and you could even ask her sometimes that sounds awful like what a stressful day do you do you like do you just want me to listen and really be here for you or do you want me to comment and come up with some suggestions and i it might surprise you when she says sort of eight out of ten times i really just want you to listen and like be here for me because because men naturally want to fix women don't always

27:10 want to be fixed and then just the dynamics of the relationship and how it's allowed to fester is what we need to put an end to the relationship reset helps like fix that it helps create a fresh start but then we have to call it out more consistently more in the moment moving forward and what i mean by that is those kind of roll the eyes huffy not speak to someone for a day let alone a week or whatever it might be like we're not doing that we're not we're not having that exist in our relationship if something's wrong let me know if

27:50 there's this thing that i do regularly that does your head in like ask me about it don't tell me about it point the finger and you this you that but ask me about it a real one for me in particular it comes up my daughter is is very sensitive to it is me being late for things and it's really easy for me to say well i was only two minutes late whatever the time might have been and it isn't intentional and actually far from it i'm generally intending to be exactly on time but being aware of that and showing up talking about my girlfriend let alone sorry my daughter let alone my girlfriend showing up five minutes

28:30 early completely transforms the rest of that day or the next hour so you've got to understand this is a really classic example that you can't say it's only five minutes and have the arse with her when actually the opposite would have given you the result the preferred result that you desired being five minutes early or being there on time would have avoided that conversation would have given her the sense of security that you trust that she can trust you to be there that that you you you that you know that she doesn't like standing there on her own for five minutes like she gets that you get her so it's that level of awareness and responsibility in situations like i said calling

29:10 stuff out when it happens as well but it requires you to be able to see what you can be responsible for chapters our life is full of chapters and respecting that is so essential inside of a relationship because who she is today is not who you married she's grown you've grown you're older she's older you've had kids you've like like life stages life chapters let alone reaching these perimenopause menopause menopause, people do change. It's up to you as the man to be aware of that and to lead inside of that. What's going on for us right now? What do you need? What do I need? What are we creating? That's a wonderful place to be. It's completely the opposite of not talking about it.

29:55 And every time something comes up that's inconsistent with what you want or what you thought you were creating. And now one or both of you is sitting there frustrated. Every chapter needs a conscious reset and you being aware of it, you leading it is so this topic has, so sex has to be, has to be brought into this, okay? Because for men, love and affection, healthiness of the relationship, the health of a relationship is linked into sex life. And again, in terms of communication, how often do conversations, do you have conversations around what do you like?

30:37 What do I like? How can we, you know, like, where are we at? What do we want to, what do we want things to be? Let's go and look around a sex shop. And like, not like, buy this, buy that. Like, actually just go there for a laugh. Get interested in what is available and what you're up to. Reading books. There's now, of course, if you didn't know this, but you know, there's actually like video courses for couples around sex. You know, there's got a couple of different guests lined up for the podcast. You can go back and listen to the Steve Bodansky episode. Sex is an important subject. It doesn't just happen by accident.

31:17 And if you've been in a relationship a long time, then of course it's going to need freshening up. Imagine going and eating in the same restaurant every week or if you're with any luck, twice a week for the last 20 years. It would be boring. So you've got to look into what the options are. And then going back up the conversation, men have to recognize that sexual attraction for women is very different. You know, it kind of takes a little bit of a run-up, whereas men can just get the horn. Don't get me wrong, women can just get the horn. But being the man, being attractive, being someone that deserves passion is something that you can have responsibility over.

32:03 You do have responsibility over. And by the way, as I've said many times before, planning sex as an event, an occasion in a longer term relationship actually is really healthy. It works. It makes sense. Date nights, weekends away, mini holidays, buying tickets for events or shows, or even just going for a coffee and being able to kind of, or a walk, and just being able to laugh and play together, like holding hands, actually engaging in hugs for slightly longer than two seconds, snogging, like getting back to basics of what it was like when you were dating.

32:45 And if your wife is just not up for any of that, you do have the right to have a conversation along the lines of what's going on here. Are we, are we like in this different a place in our relationship? Because it's important, therefore, that we both understand that. Being frustrated about sex, having arguments about sex is too common. And the way to resolve it is everything we've been talking about today. So love. Love is not something, I'm going to wrap this up. Love is not something you can take for granted. It's not something that you can just expect as a result of being together for a long time.

33:25 And the thing that I want every man listening to this to realize is that the conversation you should have first is with the man in the mirror. Are you dateable? Are you shaggable? Like, is the way that you're showing up, is your weight, your fitness, your happiness, your playfulness? Are you funny? Are you knowledgeable? Have you got friends? Have you got a direction in life? Like, would you date you? And then you look to take control of that yourself. Shape up, focus on yourself. Because what you'll get from that, this is the high value man system from living. What you'll get from that is your own energy levels going up, your own confidence in how you show up as your true self will increase.

34:11 The essential feel-good chemicals that a man needs to thrive will be pumping through your body because you are up to stuff. Fitness, fun, knowledge, managing money, enjoying work, all these common themes for us. And then you get to say to her, right, what's happening? What do you need? What are we up to? Let's have a relationship reset conversation. Let's create a new chapter. Let me like, tell me what you need. Tell me what this is like for you to be in a relationship with me. Let's create something brand new. Because ultimately, men, as stale and as challenging as your relationship might be, going out and creating a brand new one might not be as easy as you think.

34:56 That oh, grass isn't always greener on the other side of the fence thing. Now, there are previous episodes about staying in relationships that aren't working. Go back and listen to those. I'll do another one in a few weeks. I know it's in the schedule. But right now, this is about Valentine's Day. It's about staying in love. It's about enjoying the relationship that you deserve. I hope this has been a value. Please share it with other men in your life. Give us a review over on Apple or Spotify and get yourself highvalumanproject.com relationship reset. We'll get you the relationship reset tool. It's actually free at the moment. Other times it is charged for, but if you go there right now, it will be free.

35:38 And come on over to thehighvalumanproject.com forward slash group. That will get you in at the free level of our community and access to all our tools, conversations, weekly accountability calls. Men, I look forward to seeing you on the next episode. Let's go. Thanks for tuning in to the Johnny Jensen show. Be sure to subscribe, leave a review and share it with fellow dads. Creating the life you deserve starts with you. Get your high value man blueprint and join our community of motivated modern dads at highvalumanproject.com. Let's go.