How To Get Over Your Divorce Quickly And Happily

00:01 Men, getting over your divorce in less time with fewer mistakes and with more happiness is absolutely vital. And yet so many men get it wrong! This is a powerful episode... Roll theme! Welcome to The Jonnie Jensen Show where modern dads discover how to create the true riches relationships and results they deserve Get your High Value Man blueprint and join our community at highvaluemanproject.com Let's go Hello men, welcome to The Jonnie Jensen Show. It is great to have you back here if you're watching on the live brilliant let's get stuck in if you listen to the podcast well wherever you are whatever you're up to it's absolutely brilliant to have you here of course

00:49 We are the Jonnie Jensen, well I'm Jonnie Jensen and I am the head coach and founder at The High Value Man Project. This podcast has been going now for oh about three or four years with a little break in the middle started off as Team Super Dad and that's kind of the context from where this episode kicks in from really since changing up to The High Value Man Project About a year and

01:33 And relationships they thought they could create but actually finding themselves burnt out and struggling. And that happens across the board from the most successful people to guys who are still cracking on and trying to work out how in hell to make it all happen It's nuts, I'm in a lot of Facebook groups as you might imagine and seeing the misery that is going on in so many men's lives...and like I said its not all about Weak Broken Men. These are men across the board and so much of this subject we can talk about if you tuned in before, you've heard us talking about role models. We're talking about how we're lifting up boys and young men to become the model happy successful adults that we want them to be it's about dads thriving in life

06:01 Too many men allow their divorce to take them down for it to become the end of everything they've worked hard for, the end of life as we know it. Our divorce like what am I possibly going to do now? It shouldn't be that way! Yes, it is upsetting yes, it's a drama that you've got to get through but absolutely not, absolutely no should you let it take you down And in this episode, and it might be a slightly longer one. And for those men that aren't going through divorce well okay you may not have...you may have turned off already right but there will likely be your brother your dad your son depending on your age like your friend there will be someone going through this You may even find yourself being a support to that person and this episode in itself will help you

06:54 The Jonnie Jensen Show, Jonnie Jensen, High Value Man Too many men get taken down by divorce and it shouldn't be this way. What I had to learn is the hard way, and now i'm here to share with you how to get through it quickly and happily which is a bit of an oxymoron like how can you get through a divorce happily? You can't really but but can you do it with a smile on your face? Can you do it with energy and excitement about where you're headed? You definitely can! Now here's the funny thing, I use ChatGPT a lot in my work. It supports me and I've optimized so much of what i do through having it and I have a structure, an SOP, a standard operating procedure around my podcast. So funnily enough this morning I did what would have been my show notes for this episode but actually ended up standing there for about half an hour basically did the episode except spoke into ChatGPT

07:53 It's fresh on my mind right. But the reason it is actually so easy for me to do, is because this is the principles that loose structure of the High Value Man Rebuild Program and the rebuild program is a coaching program specifically obviously for men going through divorce or breakup Getting you through it this episode we say quickly and happily but I also normally say in less time with fewer mistakes and more fun. And it really can be that way The idea, right? That a divorce that our breakup would tear us apart would be the end of our life as we know it will be the end of everything. We'd work towards is a little bit of a cliche It's a little bit of an assumption or you know that we are led to believe would be the case like how could you move on quickly from this if it's been everything you worked hard for How are you possibly going to cope with

08:58 The Jonnie Jensen Show, Jonnie Jensen, High Value Man. Divorce will happen for many men like you get this idea that it's come out of the blue I didn't know never knew was gonna happen how did she do that because significantly higher percentages of divorces are instigated or are processes is set off by the woman.

09:48 And you know when it seems like, oh how could she move on so quick or how could she be...you know. How could she have all this ready? Well the truth is that she has been planning for it for probably seven or eight months! Many men will experience when they look back retrospectively on what went on during the breakup It's as if she checked out ages ago Now that could be you You could be the arse in this right?! It's not about fault or blame Fundamentally the relationship has Crumble to the point where you've decided to break up. If she's been planning this for a while, as she may well be inclined to do because the man will be thinking I've gotta go to work. I've gotta make some money. I just gotta get on with it. I don't know how to fix it but I'll just get on with it whereas quite often than mom thinking about the children and what she needs to do to survive after the breakup will have been put in those wheels emotions some of this is a bit

10:49 Two one dimensional but unfortunately is really commonly like this. So being upset about how quick she's moved on or how could she be you know, how could she have all this setup? Being upset about that it's utter bollocks I see it all the time! I say I see posts in groups where men are asking if they're upset about how long... How quick she's moved on well don't be upset about that the reality is Is that she has been planning for awhile like..like its not rocket science A lot of what goes on during this process if you think about it rationally, I call it the rational vs emotional mind. If you think about it rationally then okay well how she moves on so quickly is she's been planning this awhile why has she been planning it awhile because she needed to be prepared oh okay I get that right

11:37 Then the emotional part kicks in. Oh, she doesn't love me! Oh she hates me! She's doing this to me! Oh the kids... I'm never going to be the same again! What kind of a man am i? What are people gonna think about me like that?! There is this emotional side that just messes totally with the rational side. Keeping the rational clear through this process is absolutely vital. Recognising there is an emotional side which is messing with you actually gives you some power and control over it You can actually say to yourself I'm really upset and flipping confused and actually quite angry about this right now. Okay, well i'm just going to be like that you can control it you can channel it you can allow it to be like that for a period but saying yourself and then later on i'm gonna crack on with the rational side of it the the oh i had a whole point here i wanted to say the ah yes the grieving process

12:40 There is actually a process called the grieving process and I'm pretty sure it's got six cycles in. I should remember, but i missed one of them when I was doing my notes and it's the Kubler-Ross grief cycle right? It's not actually a perfect cycle right? Up and down in and out you can jump from one to the other but understanding that it's a real thing helps you cope with it. So I'll run through them right? Number 1 shock & denial, number 2 pain & guilt, number 3 anger & bargaining, number 4 depression, number 5 the upward turn, number 6 reconstruction & working through, number 7 acceptance & hope

13:24 And in another picture it's denial, anger, depression bargaining acceptance. In fact that is much simpler. Denial, anger, depression bargaining acceptance five stages Now when you understand those five stages exist as part of the grieving process and you can jump from one to the other You'll recognise oh that's what's going on now you've lost your family your wife your home everything that you thought was you has been smashed up Is natural that you're gonna grieve what's not necessary is that you let it take you down and what we're going to go through now is how are you ensure that you don't let it take you down.

14:11 The things that happens during the divorce process, during the breakup process is that a man will quite often focus so much on the one area which is the divorce. That every other part of his life will crumble and fall even faster even further now in the throes of a break up which generally happens over a number of years right? Which is a drain on us mentally physically emotionally we've been in a relationship has been deteriorating so thats very exhausting Then the actual breakup happens and suddenly you're working out where you live or sharing a home, it's like oh it's very poor. But working out how to recognize that this is just one area of real life is important because if you don't take care of the other areas and this leans into something I'm going to introduce which if you listen for while will be familiar with which is called The Fire Code

15:11 But also in part of that, which is your focus. That's you everything about you it's your impact about your money and your work its relationships with the people you're connected love and supported by and then E in fire which energy the amount fun adventure and peace you are having like you've got to recognize those are the other areas of your life as you go through a breakup one of the most important areas to recognize what you have to maintain is your work So I'll come on to it specifically inside of the fire code but at this level, I want to introduce something called the minimum viable output and when you're going through a breakup. When you're getting divorced it will be a drain on your ability to work quite frankly and your ability to focus on your ability to perform and you have to let people around you know that if you don't

16:06 Then they can be looking at it going, I don't know what's wrong with him. I think his work is terrible or i don't know what's wrong or you're the boss and your running the whole business now that whole businesses struggling and people are looking to you for decisions and actions in your failing to perform Recognizing that this period of time you're only really going to be able to produce the minimum amount a viable output. You need to work out what that is because you have to be responsible for that baseline drop below that baseline and your fundamentally at risk from losing your business or losing income. I shut my business ultimately during my marketing agency, I shut it over my divorce because i was

16:46 I'm utterly broken basically. I'd let the breakup go on for too long, then my brother chucked himself in front of a train then the break up happened and I couldn't do anything right so shut the business and started from scratch if you can recognize and avoid that and ironically enough the business was actually doing alright Certainly a year before the breakup actually happened, the business was pretty much thriving. It was just that I was so broken and didn't recognize that but in terms of this moment in time, in terms of the minimum viable output going to the people you work with or for and letting them know this is what's happening. I'm gonna get through it. I'm putting structure in place right now This is what I'm going to be able to deliver And this is what you can count on me for

17:38 Absolutely game changer really and you would hope that within either of those scenarios, employed or business owner. The people around you will have the wherewithal to support and encourage you through this time trying to ignore it and pretend it's not happening will just leave people more uncertain and more concerned about what your up too. Okay next piece of this is managing your ex now This I could talk about this for hours right but the most important thing about managing your ex is recognizing quite quickly that this is now business. Chasing after her, pining for her begging for to come back it's all a waste of energy now doesn't mean to say that you can leave space for that

18:29 Inside of a breakup you have to recognize that at some level you are not performing. You are not, maybe you've not managed the relationship right? Maybe you're not showing up as the kind of guy you wanted to be or maybe and this is for people who are leaving space open for their relationship to repair itself... You've, your not desirable enough but the relationship to work So when you're saying, oh come back please please. She doesn't want to come back it's been shit for ages you need to recognise it has been shit for ages as well would you want it back in the same way? Probably not so there has to be a distinct break in this period now whether its the final breakup or a distinct break. So stay business like and actually taking responsibility for the situation It is not working and we are going to move forward

19:27 Not losing your temper, not making demands. Not pining after or chasing after her. Not going around to all their mates houses and crying your eyes out and like you need to show up for yourself much of a man confident reassured as you possibly can now looking at the situation it's a complete mess how the hell do that we'll talk about that in a second But to be banging on her door or demanding things, particularly in the UK and I do know it's similar around the rest of the world. You can quickly find yourself arrested you could get a non-molestation order which is like a restraint order put on you and all of a sudden the weight or pendulum inside the divorce has swung massively her way

20:15 The children contact has all swung her way. It's completely counterintuitive as the breakup is happening, get business like get James Bond like get completely above it all We've called the High Value Man Project because we're creating structures and frameworks and operating systems to operate above all the drama, to get out of this scrabbling and fighting in the dirt. And to operate at a higher level, to be able to see this breakup for what it is and say you know what actually yeah we're going to break up right now or we can at least go through this process to see how we can transform ourselves that means reconnect later down the line so be it but right now

20:55 I need to get myself back on track and i think you probably do as well. Let's focus on the kids, let's make this a positive situation and let's move on as happily and effectively we can. Letting her know that is vital. Her seeing you scrabbling around crumbling and stuff it very much likely just to make this worse It's going put you in the back foot if you get yourself bloody arrested then thats gonna be even worse When you talk about the kids, talk about our children. When you talk about like your expectations be clear on what you want so for me 50-50 arrangement for parent for single dads is the thing that we should all be aiming for adjust your work like that adjust where you live adjust to your attitude certain hobbies and interests like being a single parent is nothing like being a normal parent and that's okay it's what you've got right now and it's what you need to embrace

21:52 There's a whole piece I missed earlier on about why we crumble when marriage and relationships break up. It is because this idea that, oh we should have lived happily ever after! No You don't need to live happily ever after. Our life and our marriage is a series of chapters, and if we are good at it we can successfully effectively move from one chapter the next dating to engage engaged to married married by home have kids kids or toddlers kids because babies get to talk with kids go to school kids teenagers that all chapters how you manage those chapters How you keep everything fresh, how you keep operating and showing up as the best version of yourself is how you make each chapter work. And if your right now in a chapter where your broken up that's okay it tough rational side the emotional side we just talked about but it is nonetheless just another chapter its your job to grab yourself by the bollocks and say right I'm gonna make this chapter work

22:50 I'm gonna find out what it takes to be a single dad. I'm going to look at what it takes to adjust my work and my attitude of things, where I live. I'm gonna show up for my kids because that's who I am as Dad! That's how you manage this chapter and letting her know that is absolutely essential because it sets her mind straight about what's gonna happen she can carry on the solicitors letters the demands that screw you You're not going to see the kids, that's absolutely fine. You don't need to worry about what she is going to say you are all gonna take control of this situation at least for your side of things Is it gonna be family court? Are you gonna manage moving out the house? All these things can be handled That's the rational side! You crumbling under the emotional Oh I've lost my wife oh my house so i'm never gonna see the kids oh oh

23:38 Down, down, down. No! You get clear about the life you're creating and you move towards it managing your ex being above all the nonsense recognizing that much of what she'll be doing will be read from a blog or netmum script and realizing that you yourself can learn and take that amount of control and power into this situation Because when you have control, not of her and everything else like that sort of nonsense but control of yourself. That's how you get to say no we're doing this I respect what you think but that's not what we're going to do if you want to go to war about it okay fair enough i've got no concerns about going to family court even the money i'm gonna self-represent which is another subject in itself but i'm gonna take care of this we're gonna move forward

24:29 So the fire code and how I put myself back together after my divorce has been absolutely pivotal in, in the business of High Value Man project. In the single dad rebuild program that we provide if I'd learned this during the marriage maybe the marriage would have gone better? I don't know right maybe I'd have shown up differently what do you know is it took me too long to get over the breakup when I finally found myself Standing back strong on my own two feet, creating Team Superdad which has become High Value Man Project and looking at what it took I realise now that this is the blueprint for getting over your divorce quickly and happily. So first up the F in the fire code is focus that's yourself! That's your mental emotional physical state What are you doing to look after yourself?

25:27 Exercise, getting out in fresh air. Getting enough sleep eating right cutting out the crap drugs and booze and take away food. Getting... I don't mean lean like you've got to become flipping Ronaldo-esque but getting fit sweating out the toxic nonsense having a clear picture about where your head is who you are reconnecting actually with the kind of man that you are I'm just doing a 3XC workshop with the guy next week and just sent out his documents yesterday. You know, the work you do in the prep for that is quite simply what's working in your life? What's not working where what are you want to create? What are your values, strengths or weaknesses like actually what are your passions? Just truly remind yourself of who you are and

26:23 Awesome bloke you are and what a life you want to create looks like. That's focus! Then in terms of impact, your money and your work is the community side as well but certainly when going through divorce you're likely gonna be more focused on yourself Managing your money, knowing how much you've got coming in and what you're going out. Cutting off all the waste particularly at this time is absolutely vital it will also give you more of a grounded assurance about where you are at and what you're up to How much is the new home gonna cost? What's the amount that you might end up having to pay for maintenance

27:02 Like really get confident and clear about your money, and then translate that back into your business and into your work. What are your goals? What's your responsibilities? How can you perform at the next level up? What's it going to take when you have the kids versus when you don't have the kids like getting crystal clear about that. And we talked about MBO before right but that's how you manage and be effective in your work if you run your own business which many of the men in The High Value Man project do Consider that people start businesses to create more time and more money or financial freedom and time freedom. Is that what you're creating? Allow in the morass of this breakup to tune back into actually my business is flipping cool, I love doing this! Allow it to be a outlet

27:58 Some of your creative energy and you know, rebuild. Okay? So that's the focus and your money That's like who you are and how you're showing up in the world then next step is your relationships losing the person that you love okay might feel like The End Of The World but the reality is the relationship was probably pretty crap before the breakup okay There were lots of good bits in their relationship And now you can move on pining after her being upset It's not the place there is no such thing as the one this is a whole episode in itself but there is no such thing as the one I had to read this to be really get it drilled into my head. In a planet of some kind of 7 billion people regardless of peoples sexual persuasion, its about 50-50 right? There are lots of choices out there

28:49 Making compromises and being with someone who doesn't help us live the life that we desire, who doesn't help us feel like the man that we want to be. What's the point? And if you're clear in your relationships about who you are about what you've got to offer about how your showing up at how you're constantly evolving by how you exercising and looking great but how you share in the load and having it on and I'm being a brilliant partner having a great time in life having your own friends being desirable like there is no such thing as The One Be committed in the relationship you're being, but don't when it's over like crumble and pine for her. Be clear that there is another one out there! And in my opinion after your breakup its not the time to go and find her. You know second marriages generally end in or they have a higher rate of failure than first marriages so why would you commit to someone else before you've even got over the last person? It's a recipe for disaster

29:53 Work on your relationships, your family and friends. What's the connection like with those people? Make a list of all the people that you have ever had a good time with in your life now start to see who haven't I spoken to for awhile what what people would be nice to reconnect with Who are the people i can count on most and inside this as you're getting divorced create a fab four Call them up, let them know I'm going through the breakup. I need some support. I'm not gonna leave it all on one person but i am putting together this Fab Four for different people who can all support me in similar but slightly different ways so if I ring you and ask you at some point you're able to say I can't do that right now without feeling a guilty or a sense of responsibility because you know I've got someone else to turn to The Fab Four is a powerful vehicle inside of your divorce and getting over it quickly

30:44 And then seeing those friends, making requests going on to visit people filling your weekends with things to do is essential. If you've got no money that's okay or if you're managing your money because we just told you two inside of impact then that's okay make it cost effective You don't need to go out and get smashed out your brains probably gonna not help You know waking up with a hangover, waking up with a come down. Waking up with 100 receipts in your pocket instead of 100 quid you know that's not going to help lift you up that's not going to get you through this right now in less time and fewer mistakes more happily. The people who network and connect with like get out there get interested

31:37 The way that you've become able to talk and communicate and be effective, happy in confidence is by getting out amongst people. I joined a rock choir for about a year after my breakup or during the break up it was an incredible release Good way to connect with people the singing was quite cathartic I was doing something new we went and did a bunch of concerts in random places it was something new for my brain think about focus on learning words like complete distraction. What you need that sort of tips back into focus as well working yourself

32:14 What you watch, what you listen to, what your feeding your mind with. Watch more comedy laugh find reasons to laugh go to a stand up comedy show like you got to look at what are the positive inputs into your brain if you think about that grieving process we mentioned near the start There's a lot of negative energy swirling around. If it was like, a balance you know the only way to address that is to put more fun into your life and find more reasons to laugh and spend quality time with people who love and care for you This is how you get yourself back on your feet quickly So yeah those people that you put around you You have to be around people Loneliness unfortunately as harsh this is here is a choice

33:05 So don't choose it, get out amongst people. Funny story during the rock choir this is how you know things are perfect right so one of the songs we get there and he says a new song and we start singing it and its that Fleetwood Mac song well what's the bloody name of it? It goes for you da da da da da da for all you Anyway, it was sung at our wedding by a friend of my ex-wife's. Amazing voice Phoebe beautiful singer so she sung it and then we get to the rock choir he's like writing new song so I'm standing there in the back tears rolling down my face everyone's like are you okay? Are you okay? It's like yeah this is perfect this is perfect! I need this thank you for choosing this song I'm getting over the breakup

34:05 And then finally the E in the fire code is for energy, the amount of fun adventure and peace you're having in your life. You can choose to be happy during a shit time that's absolutely possible! You don't have to feel guilty about being happy... Being happy is the tonic it's the antidote to what's going on But it doesn't just like drop out of thin air, right? An amazing thing you can do. You can do laughter yoga! It's actually just laughter yoga is getting on the phone with a bunch of people and laughing no one's telling a joke or anything it's just choosing... he's just choosing to laugh! Um..it's about putting energy into your life the things that you do, the places you go what you're up to, the routines, the habits, you know going for a walk finding yourself in

34:58 The Jonnie Jensen Show, Jonnie Jensen, High Value Man, Jonnie Jensen, High Value Man, Jonnie Jensen, High Value Man, Jonnie Jensen, High Value Man, Jonnie Jensen, High Value Man, Jonnie Jensen, High Value Man, Jonnie Jensen, High Value Man, Jonnie Jensen, High Value Man, Jonnie Jensen, High Value Man, Jonnie Jensen, High Value Man, Jonnie Jensen, High Value Man, Jonnie Jensen, High Value Man, Jonnie Jensen, High Value Man, Jonnie Jensen, High Value Man, Jonnie Jensen, High Value Man, Jonnie Jensen, High Value Man, Jonnie Jensen, High Value Man, Jonnie Jensen, High Value Man, Jonnie Jensen, High Value Man, Jonnie Jensen, High Value Man, Jonnie Jensen, High Value Man, Jonnie Jensen, High Value Man, Jonnie Jensen, High Value Man, Jonnie Jensen I know one of the guys in it was learn to, Learn The Rubik's Cube. That was on his bucket list right? As well as climb Machu Picchu or go to Everest Base Camp like this big and small bucket list. Have things to look forward too so book tickets plan to visit friends have people over for dinner

35:54 Bit tricky if you haven't got your house situation sorted out yet, but literally invite yourself over to places. Imagine this... If someone rang you and said this is what's happening, this is what I'm up to any chance we can go out for a beer? What would you say? You'd say yes! So be that person. Be in demand on people but in a good way when I say a good way don't be the guy that's going through a breakup and every time he sits down and talks to someone uh that's all he talks about. If you're familiar with the old classic movie Airplane It's very funny. Every time he sits down and talks about his ex, they crank up like how the other person responds to the degree that at one point I think she is like a skeleton or she's pouring petrol on herself like get me out of here! So yeah plans to look forward to and memories to look back on this is how you manage your breakup This is how you get through it in less time with fewer mistakes are more fun

36:55 It is a complete nightmare. It is a roller coaster, but you crumbling into the most pathetic version of yourself that you've been during your whole life is the complete opposite of what needs to happen. You can't click your fingers and suddenly be this Superman! But you can if you follow what we've talked about in today's episode of The Jonnie Jensen Show If you follow these steps, you can take control of the situation and show up at the very least in the mirror first of all for yourself as a better version of your man than perhaps you feel. It is day one ground zero! You're in this situation where everything you've worked hard for seems to have been destroyed

37:43 If you look at it like destroyed, it's the end of the world Armageddon. I'm sat here on a rock in Nowheresville crying into my hands that is the end Whereas if you're stood there looking at all around you thinking, wow this is a fresh start. This is a place I can build from what would I like to create? What would this new chapter look like? What does being the most incredible dad to my kids and us having a shed load of fun look like Because done right, two happy homes, two happy parents thriving in life. Kids get to holidays, to Christmases, do sets of birthday presents It's not what they wanted is not what you wanted but the idea that it can't be turned into something great is nonsense! Its utter bollocks and You as the man in this situation As a man in your life for yourself for your kids In this breakup you get to lead...you get to decide how it goes

38:44 And it's by following this process, managing the emotional and rational thoughts. Handling your X, levelling up around work so that doesn't crumble and then working on yourself through the fire code focusing on yourself mental emotional physical health your impact managing your money nailing vision for your business in your work your career your relationships putting yourself around good people having support having fun Feeling loved, meeting new people and then getting out and do stuff. Plans to look forward to memories to look back on can you start to check off your bucket list who can you go and see what could you do? What does this new life for you look like because as I said at the beginning and how i'm going to wrap this up with now it is a brand new chapter! A brand new chapter for you to create and enjoy for you to thrive in that's ultimately all there is to it

39:46 Any situation that a man has successfully been through and mastered before is the situation that you can now successfully get through master. The idea that everyone else can do something you cant' do, is complete nonsense right? You might not be able to do it at their level but you can get through it and you may just find That you get through it better than other people and that you can create a structure in the system, and that you can be there to support other men in the world like I'm doing here at The High Value Man Project. I would love to help you out and support you. If you want to get involved with the rebuild, then just come on over to highvaluemanproject.com and message me Rebuild if you go to the group to the brotherhood at high value man project dot com forward slash group of course you can engage in a chat with me there

40:41 And on most of the socials, if you comment reset or you'll see any other content about The Rebuild then you can like I said comment reset and get the Kickstart Your Single Dad Life Guide. That's it! 40 minutes slightly longer than normal back in the day all episodes used to be about an hour I can talk and i love talking. I hope you've enjoyed the podcast leave us a review share this with other men in your life and let's take the high value message as far and as wide as we can go so that we can create the life that we desire, be the man and dad that we want to be! I'm Jonnie Jensen, I'll see you next week

41:21 Thanks for tuning in to The Jonnie Jensen Show. Be sure to subscribe, leave a review and share it with fellow dads! Creating the life you deserve starts with YOU. Get your High Value Man blueprint and join our community of motivated modern dads at highvaluemanproject.com Let's go