Helping Dads Make Their Home Feel Happy with Clare Topham

00:00 In this episode of the Team Super Dad Podcast, we talk interior design. How dads can get involved and what single dads need to do to make their new home feel comfy. Roll theme! Welcome to Team Super Dad. Real dads creating their best lives ever, more time more money more fun you are not alone! You're on team super dad oh hey Team Super Dad friends family members all around the world it's great to have you here we are live on the Team Super Dad podcast

00:36 And today, a conversation with an old friend of mine inspired by a coaching session with the dad last week. The dad... This conversation by the way is for dads in relationships as well as single dads who are trying to set up their home but the conversation was inspired by a member of Team Super Dad and one of my one-on-one dad clients he's moving into his new home and he's absolutely bricking it! It keeps like it's not that I'm I thought to myself, who do i know that i can speak to about this and Clare popped straight into my mind. So without further ado, I'm going to bring her in if you enjoy this then please share like comment uh... If your watching on the live on Facebook YouTube or Twitter then comment because we can bring you in on the comments so feel free to ask questions if you got them

01:48 And if you're watching on the replay, then by all means share it. Say hi to us in the replay and of course podcast listeners subscribe so you don't miss out on any of the upcoming podcasts So let's have a look and see if we can bring in Clare. Morning Jonnie! Or is it midday? Afternoon? We are just in the afternoon yeah What have you been doing all morning nothing? Yeah not a lot no I've been cooking with my home schooled in a four year old hopefully That's the thing for anyone who has got a little in, you can't just say oh yeah.

02:31 I'll catch you in a couple of hours when you've done that maths thing. You got to sit with him? Yeah, absolutely. Four...I mean he's just gone into reception so still completely new for him although i must admit is actually with his dad right now So I've got an afternoon and few hours where he's popped off so he's taking over the homeschooling baton this afternoon Yes! And you are separated parent as well right? Yeah thats right yeah it's solo mum Good stuff And you're in the southeast of England, in where is it? I'm in Shoreham. Yeah, Shoreham by sea so yeah halfway between Worthing and Brighton just on the south coast. So I'm literally looking over the rainy sea as we speak out here. It's a pretty cool community. Yeah, it's lovely! Yeah and it's really changed. I've been over here for about last four years since I had my little boy and it's really family orientated now

03:23 Yeah, it's a good place to be. It's really sociable and people look out for each other like I know all my neighbours and all that kind of stuff so it's a good place to live. I know heavens above that should be normal! That I know my neighbours? I know that I comment now I know my neighbours but it's not always like that is it you know? Have you ever heard... Oh, I thought Brighton was supposed to be like friendliest place on earth kind of thing. Well, I don't know...I think you move to West Sussex and find a different kinda person? Bit more down-to-earth, isn't it! Yeah, bit more down-to-earth. Have you ever read – this kinda starts leaning into the interior design subject – the Japanese Ikigai and the history or study of Ikigai

04:08 I haven't, now you're going to have to fill me in. It's all about peaceful living and happy living but it's about managing your environment, knowing the people around you looking out for others resting appropriately keeping working things like that so i think that sounds like yeah if we could bake into some thoughts about interior design So you are an interior designer When we first met you, that was like a vision of yours. Yeah well that was some time ago! That must have been 15 years or so yeah. From vision to it is now what you do and your website has got absolutely beautiful designs and interiors and whole houses you do for people... It's gorgeous

04:58 Thank you. So that was going back quite a while because I've been running the business for 12 years now, so if you think then I retrained and then went into it and I just went in straight at the deep end first project I ever got was a lady doing her complete house renovation And I remember when I went in and saw her because I just put a few flyers through a few doors thought this can't be this tricky I trained, and you know being an interior designer. And I really distinctly remember her offering me a cup of coffee and saying to me do you mind if we only got goat's milk? And all i could think was goats milk is goat's milk a problem when you want me to renovate your whole house! And I've just qualified as an interior designer like I can deal with the goats' milk actually I hate it but yeah I was just stood there kind of completely oh my goodness how am I going to tackle this one?! But yeah that was the first project

05:45 I And loads of the skills have been really cost transferable. You might not necessarily think that, but it's just about people, families how they live, how they work and how they want to feel in their home so actually going be a really good grounding for kind of understanding family life and what makes us tick or what makes us happy in our homes That is so inspiring and I'm not just taking the piss or being flippant, right? But for people who are thinking, I want to change because that's actually one part of Team Super Dad F5 is finances. So managing your money better making more money not doing stuff you don't feel inspired or happy doing and so many people were just really confronted by the idea

06:41 What changed profession? Like retrain, like put flyers. What about the first ever job put fliers through the door how am I it's gonna go wrong it's gonna go wrong and yet uh and this is amazing story of how you not just went for it but crossing those barriers as you were hit by them and pushing through. I'm going to share a link to your website now in the chat so people know. Thank you well have you heard about um the idea between a blueprint and a gold print do you know what I mean by that Oh yeah, go for it. Sounds good! So a gold print is if you ever are asked to do something and you think about doing it and it really makes you buzz then you really think like yeah this is what I want to be doing that's called your gold print And effectively the idea was that you always follow your gold print Your blueprint is just something that's like oh yeah I could see that and feel all right but you know when its gold print because it gives you that feeling? Yeah. And the idea was that you should always follow...follow the gold print Yeah I've heard that spoken about working in your flame

07:37 Yeah, exactly the same thing. So me kind of taking a bull by the horns and being like right I'm going to do this and it's not the easy path you know i've been there many times but I think with any profession if you've really got that innate belief that you can do it You can! And then you just have to kind of go for it and you learn so much from from the journey absolutely because you know you go to college and you learn so much you get your qualifications but all of what you really learn in most professions is standing there on my job And nearly all of the projects that I do, it's complete redesign and I tend to project manage as well. So I'll be with that client and that family right from the outset perhaps they've just bought a new home and it needs refurbing. And I may well then be working with them for next year or year-and-a-half

08:22 And we'll take it all the way through doing the designs, project managing, doing the fit out until literally that whole kind of home has changed into the dream that they had. For me my job is just holding their hands along the process because I know it's really overwhelming but people do know what they want and what makes them happy and it's just my job to pull that out of them. When you say people Do we mean the wife or does the man and the wife? How much of an active role is it commonly taken? It's quite divided. So I've worked for single guys, it's not necessarily a couple. I've worked for single guys straight guys kind of all kinds of different people And it will very much just depend on who has got the interest

09:10 So normally one person will lead and I would say probably 60% of the time it's a woman but also there is about 40 percent of the time that it'll be the guy or it'd be a tandem. And I do quite often joke that I could offer marriage guidance because... Yeah, yeah! I was about to say right? Do you have any advice? There's quite a lot of...yeah I do need to kind of step in from time-to-time and say Let's listen to his opinions or let's listen to her opinions. But certainly I think that sometimes what can happen is that guys can feel a little bit overwhelmed because it is historically, it's been considered to be kind of the female domain but I do think that that's changing

09:52 Yeah, well I mean it's like all these subjects is changing and there's a classic. So I've worked with dads who said they didn't care about what the lounge looked like and then they're livid that they sat every night watching TV Floral wallpaper or whatever. And you say, well did you say? Did you mention anything? No I didn't. You know, got to speak up get so good. Get be active in the situation. So this conversation was inspired by a dad who's moving into his house it's a completely blank space and

10:32 And he doesn't know where to start. So this conversation could equally be for a couple of course, but I was interested today to chat with you just about what kind of steps could we take to understand like do we need to worry about colour and do we need to worry about the curtains first or the curtains last? So without further ado, let's get started. I think what we need to do is look at the why first of all. I can easily give you a blueprint for how, but let's look at why. Why do we want to make our homes beautiful?

11:25 Yeah, totally. So especially single dads they're more thinking about their kids and I want them to be comfortable. I want them to feel like they are at home here but equally I know you know yourself as well that when the kids go off to the other parent then you want to know that your comfortable that you could have mates around and you wouldn't be like oh yeah it's two flipping upturned boxes in a takeaway tray actually somewhere where you would be happy to entertain people And, you know for families that are still together it's pretty much the same. They want somewhere where they can feel like a family and even if whatever size of space they want to feel happy there and that they could feel confident to entertain coffee or play dates or even people going out to watch football. I think that's what you've touched on straight away, that word happy so do you know that there is a happiness institute? Have you heard about the Happiness Institute?

12:20 Well, I'm quite happy is a big subject to me. I interviewed Scott Crabtree on the podcast the other day he's about the science of happiness as well. Okay so The Institute of Happiness is in Copenhagen? And they did a survey, couple of years ago about what makes us happy in our homes. So they interviewed 13000 people all across Europe and they had some really interesting information so they actually found out that being happy in our homes was as important to people as their mental health and their physical health like their overall well-being it's really interesting and that actually scored above finances. So people rated happiness in their homes is greater than what income they were taking home

13:02 So, you know it's really interesting. You come through the front door and you want to feel safe and safe isn't just like your sat in a tank, safe is happy as well content relaxed at peace yeah? Well, they found that there was like five things that you need to feel at home to feel happy. So you need to feel proud of your environment so like you say you come home in the evening and you've just got a couple of uptown boxes You don't walk in and think hey look what I did but how do you feel when you painted your room? You know you don't look forward to it, you put it off, you procrastinate...you eventually paint that room and you stand back and you're all like wow

13:38 Do you know, like check out what I did and it isn't just because it looks good. You know hopefully that's good and you picked a reasonable colour but It gives them that sense of pride about sense of achievement that you did that for somebody for yourself or your children so that pride is the really big one. You want to feel comfortable but also it's really important as identity So sometimes when I first meet a client, they expect me to just go in there and say right we're going to paint this wall blue. We're going to get this chair. This is what we're gonna do. And they almost look for me to go into that and I can do that for you. I can make your home looks like it's gonna be in the magazine but its not the key because you need to identify with that space

14:15 So it's not actually about what the current trends are or what the best paint colour is. I can tell you that the current trends of whatever they are, if you don't like that colour and you don't like that feeling of comfort it's not going to work for you so people get really overwhelmed everyone does it whether they're single in a relationship there were couples who get really overwhelmed and say oh I don't know what to do And people do know what to do, but kind of my job is to talk you through the process which I will in a little while. To understand what you like and one of the first things is identifying what you like because if you don't identify what you like how do you kind of turn that into reality? And I think that's where people often get quite stuck

14:58 And then the other things that you need to feel at home, you need to feel safe and you need to feel in control. So we kind of take those things for granted but you know you need to feel when you shut the front door that you're in an environment that you're going to feel good about yeah and safe. Then like going back to what you were saying about kind of um the key things for I think So, I'm going to start with a couple of things. And that for them needs to be a tangible way that they feel remembered. You know, we know we remember our children well. Our children are always on our minds but they don't know that and so when they're not with you all the time they need to feel like they've had that space kind of held for them and so that when they come back they've got that feeling of security. So that's about... Go on!

15:53 Does that mean like pictures of them, you know on the wall? No it's more something that they can relate to. Preferably something you did together that shows their interest in being kind of taken care off so it doesn't need to be a really big deal its space for them So let's say you've got two children sharing a room and they've got bunk beds. It can be as simple as them picking out the duvet, then being given an area of the room that they can decorate. And again if you can't paint because say your renting than that could be wall decals or do you know? You can even get removable wallpaper now but you put wallpaper up and when you leave take the wallpaper down

16:31 Which is really clever. Yeah, so like velcro kind of picture hooks here yeah you can't put something too heavy on but they do work pretty well. So whatever it is that you guys pick out together and I think that's really the key for it so that when they're thinking of Dad's house It's something that they can actually really imagine. They can imagine their bedroom, they can describe it to other people. I mean certainly my son really enjoyed coming home and bringing photographs of his bedroom and sharing that with me. He really wanted to show me this is what my bedroom is like at Daddy's, this is my duvet... And he'd be quite interested to hear how much information they will go into with you about the space has been created for them and then think about that space in going back to it

17:23 Yeah, I love that as a general subject basically is the more we're interested in with our kids. People make a mistake always that they think kids are just little and don't care but actually they're completely the opposite When we show an interest, we show there's an opportunity to be interested in something. They can really run wild with it their imaginations are much freer than ours and so when we suggest them there's a subject called get excited about your bedroom they're like oh okay right! And then you go he's coming back, you gave him then bring him back to you Yeah, and don't worry for instance in the children's bedroom about things matching. You know if one of your kids is into dinosaurs and one of them is into space it doesn't matter you know really ultimately who's that bedroom for? It's for the children

18:08 You know, again you don't need it to look like an Instagram bedroom. It's not really the point. The point is it's for the kids and it's what they can relate to so I would let your children lead as much as possible on that and just kind of go with their interests but then it's also super important for you as a parent and again when you've got children moving between homes have you ever had this experience where you drop your children off or they're collected or however it works? And then you come back into the home and the home just feels like It's so quiet, you know. You can hear a pin drop and I find that silence is almost deafening it's kind of like the magic got slightly taken out of the home

18:45 Absolutely. When it's, it's easier now way ways you know I'm five years separated now but certainly in the first few years exactly like you said I love that like the magic has been taken out or all the colors been turned off so gone from an HD TV to a black and white TV we have to be careful not to get too significant about ourselves The emotions of that time are pretty real. So, you know as we spoke about before we went live just making sure it's a place not just for our kids but also for ourselves and in my lounge Rosie has got her area with her drawers and her dolls and they all kind of get packed away neatly. Jago's areas more about his Xbox

19:35 But I've got Tupperware boxes and his stuff just piles in there. And so not only does it feel like their space to them, but I can clear up really easily so the lounge turns back into my space for me Yeah, that's great. And that's something I always recommend because I think it's okay to kind of acknowledge that feeling because if you acknowledge the feeling that it can be tricky when they're gone then you can do something about it and so for me like you say yeah I have more of an adult space so I'm lucky enough that I've got the room his toys mainly go in this bedroom So the lounge feels like a really nice adult space. When I come in on my own, and maybe do the things that I don't have time to do put some candles on put the lights on and really kind of think oh yeah this is a benefit! I get to spend a bit of time indulging in myself rather than something being taken away from me. And I think thats super helpful for people's well-being really. Absolutely, it's good to remember this

20:36 Yeah, couples need to remember this as well. Their home is great if you've got a playroom or kids rooms like if space isn't an issue then okay then don't have to worry too much about how tidy their spaces but if it's your lounge and your kids are pre-school or even when they're in school If you can't put their stuff away nice and easily so the lounge turns back into adult space Then, yeah. Then you feel like the walls are closing in and you've never got a chance to sit back and relax and enjoy some... I feel weird saying adult time! But it is. But it's true Jonnie. All that stuff they have in their litter, I'm glad we're getting through that stage but It feels quite overwhelming, it's quite difficult to relax so storage is really key on that And even in small spaces there's clever storage that you can kind of

21:28 So, I'm going to start with the first one. Most of my coaching relates back to the experiences I've been through. And as he says, you got to make a list is like quite practical stuff but in the overwhelm with it all can be lost You need what are those important things you need? Beds, couch. Yeah table in the lounge, some sort of kitchen dinings things I'm going to sit and eat at is that where do you start? Do you have to start really practical like that or can you dive straight into it? Yes so that's what i'd suggest you do first of all try not to get overwhelmed because

22:19 So, first thing of all is just go really practical. So let's say like you're moving into a house Let's take for argument sake we assume that it is quite structurally sound and you don't need to do any major works but Right, if you were moving into a new home what might be say the three most important rooms? So let's look at those first. Perhaps living room your bedroom and the kids' bedroom now what I would suggest to do first of all is say which one of those three is your priority so that was you moving into your home which one do you think you'd make that as your priority? I would go kids room simply on they need beds

23:03 Yeah. OK, so we've got your kids room. So really methodical approach what do they need in that room? What have you got? What haven't they got and get a piece of paper in front of you and just start writing down the list of the things that you need. Yeah okay. And then I guess if you kind of brainstorming you then go... If you put lots of stuff on there you can double back and say oh well actually that's not unessential it's nice to have Yeah, so get your essentials down first. So let's say they need a bed if they're a bit older they might need a chair and the desk somewhere to study maybe they need beanbags for their floor or they need chest of drawers you need some blinds or curtains that's really important

23:42 So we kind of want to get that sorted. Do they need a rug? So you just get them down there and as you go through the practical with each one, then write next to it what type so there's not much point in just having beds know what kind of bed do you want them to have bunk beds? You want them to have one of those high beds with storage underneath. Just take a bit of time at each step to really think about what that practical need is because that's addressing the overwhelm isn't it Instantly as you're going through this, and I'm taking myself back five years but yeah you're right. You've got not just subject bed because then when you walk into Bedshop you think like oh my gosh where do i start so you say right now yeah I'm gonna get a single bed or double bed bunk beds pretty cool if someone's listening didn't think about this you can get a bunk bed that's a double on the bottom and a single on the top

24:39 So that's what I've got my kids so that when they're not here, it actually is quite a practical idea. It's a guest room for if i'm having friends over at the weekend yeah so that kind of yeah that's a great idea to be able to do that and they might don't know if they ever have friends over but that's sometimes a consideration as well. And then think about, so curtains and blinds. Do your kids have trouble sleeping? Do you need a blackout blind? So just really drill into those practicalities about what they're going to need in that room. Yeah, yeah, black out blinds are game changer really because again this is something that people just don't think about

25:21 I've done it before. No, I've gone and bought curtains put them up but you thought a pair of curtains was going to do because the sun just shines straight through them. And suddenly your child's waking up at half past five when he's staying at your house and apparently sleeps until whatever time then they're not with you and it's just all because they're not got the right sleeping environment so need to consider that. Depending on where you buy them, some of those things can randomly be stupidly expensive versus somewhere else where they're still blackout blinds but they're not as expensive. Yeah it's something you need to shop around for but blinds and so loads are really good online retailers now that you can measure up your blinds and send them off and then much easier to do I don't remember if in the old days when you'd go to... Saw The End Of!

26:08 And you end up with this like raggedy blind. So yeah, things will come up! Lighting as well I think people often forget just a lampshade A bedside light for the kids, again is really important. You know lots of children need a little side light on when they're going to sleep so it's all very small things so let's say now we've got a list just say six or seven things and what you said is absolutely I was like yes spot-on! It's the overwhelm So already now you're feeling a little bit more in control because you've got shopping lists yeah right okay I've just gotta buy these seven things

26:47 Halfway there. So next thing what we need to look at is the aesthetics, like how's it going to look? And I think this is where people can often struggle because how's it gonna look just so oh...I don't know! With your children's bedroom it's a little bit easier because you'll be getting them involved but let's say you were just looking at a living room for argument sake just make a little bit easier with the process. We've decided in our living room what furniture we need and now we need to go and have a look Well, how do we want this to look? And how we want this to look comes back to how we want to feel in the room. So you'd be surprised not everyone wants to feel the same in the same room so if I said to some people, How do you wanna feel in your living room they might be like, Oh relaxed and cosy Some people might wanna feel more energised They really need to get an idea in your mind of how you wanna feel in that room and literally write down, How do I wanna feel

27:42 You know, what's the ultimate feeling that I want at the end of the day? Do I just want to kick off my shoes and just totally chill or do I want a room that is going to be more sociable so my kids are gonna kind of chat to me. And it really... It's not for me to decide for other people what they want but that's like a key thought of how you feel when you're home. Yeah, yeah, for me like a couch When I think about sociable and cosy Well actually there are two kinds of things. Sociable, I want my guests to be able to have somewhere to sit so versus if i was trying to make the lounge look really cool or funky I probably wouldn't have such a big couch

28:24 But because I want, when my kids are there with me. I want them all to be able to sprawl out and us like watch movies together and if i've got friends around I want people to actually have somewhere to sit so the couch takes up probably at least a third of the room but it really works for me So yeah I can see how... Yeah so probably I'd put Dan laid back The Jonnie Jensen Show, Jonnie Jensen, Clare Topham, Team Super Dad.

29:05 By the sea, do you like going into the forest? Are there particular colors that make you feel more comfortable. Do you kind of like the greens and browns in the forest or would you rather have blues and greys by the seaside And if that doesn't immediately resonate with you, sometimes it's a really good idea to go and have a look in your wardrobe. You'd be quite surprised if you just have a look at like what do I wear? Do you know like what do I like? So I just like all neutral colors and that's fine! You know you don't have to be putting in jade greens and bits and pieces of... It also helps you understand my patterns If you're someone that never ever wears patterns then you would never put stripes on

29:49 Do you want to be surrounded by stripes in your living room? Highly unlikely. You know, if you just chill out with the way I'm trying on jeans and a black top then that's telling you oh right okay looks like I pretty much like neutrals. Yeah And is there a danger of going too, they call it what do they call it? Magnolia. Is there a danger just going to like we've got no colour in here at all can you just obviously that's that Superman poster works because of Team Super Dad but is it yeah good idea to suddenly go we need to bring some life into this let's just get a wild coloured I think it goes back to how you're wanting to feel. So if your saying that you want to feel laid-back, cosy and like for arguments say that you like walking by the sea and so you like blues and greys...I'd say no! You don't need to be shooting some reds and yellows in there because you're just doing it for the sake of it because it doesn't really sit with what you've described as you like but what would really help is hone your feelings

30:51 So what we've got now is we've got the idea that you want to be, have a laid back cosied kind of feeling. And what kinds of colours would you say that you're more drawn towards? My family probably blues and yellowy soft sort of sunny warm cosy brighter. We don't yeah our family I guess we are probably lighter than darker yeah Yeah, so you're like maybe a sunny day on the beach. That kind of feeling? Like a sunny day on the beach on your sofa at home. So you've got your beer sun shining in and we're creating a kind of mood in our head but what you need to do now is to see that. You know Pinterest? Yes! A lot people know Pinterest. What I'd get you to do now is go onto Pinterest and we have these words in our mind. We are going to type in cosy sunny interiors

31:50 So, for anyone listening who doesn't know what Pinterest is it's a kind of social media website but it's where people share images and you can create a board, a Pinterest board and you could put images on there. And so like Clare just suggested if Thanks for listening. So you have these photos pop up in front of you and like by magic, like oh wow look it's a yellow and blue sofa with that. And some of those will resonate with you and some of those won't but all I'd ask you to do is don't think about it too hard. Don't think like where am I going to buy that sofa? It's just a feeling, it's a look and feel yeah. Pin 10 photos and you'll be amazed suddenly find in front of you is a vision of what we've been discussing. Yeah and you know what's really important

32:55 Personal development, psyche, logical or whatever the thing is. There's a reticularity activating system when there's a subject we haven't thought about much Jonnie Jensen Yeah, when people never break up and you hear breakup songs on the radio. It's like well they were always there you just weren't paying much attention before or when you decide to buy a red Vauxhall Saphir all of a sudden you start seeing red Vauxhall Saphirs everywhere. So people thinking about...

33:47 Well you just perhaps are watching a TV program I bet you've never noticed what the house looks like and once you start doing this process, you will start noticing what people's homes look like and what people's homes look like when you go into it. Exactly, exactly. That's a really good example. You're suddenly watching TV and you're now noticing things you'd never seen before on the TV yet totally. Yeah and hopefully your mind shift has now shifted from kind of feeling overwhelmed when I can't do it to in actual fact that you've just produced a mood board! If i said at the beginning we were going to produce a mood board then people would have gone oh brilliant don't really fancy doing that but in a few short steps

34:24 We've got you to the point that you've got a mood board in front of you. So what you now have is, you've got shopping list of your items that you need for the room and you've got a mood board so if we then send you off to online shopping Habitat John Lewis wherever it is that you want to have a look at these things and give you that first item to choose yeah the likelihood is is that you're going to be feeling a lot more confident to start making your decisions Yeah, totally. And that's what it was all about is about confidence because this should be a fun thing right? This shouldn't be something that causes great angst for people! Here's here's a question about when you do like sample pots... I've been to people's houses before and their whole wall is covered in splotches of paint and you think how are you going to cover over that?! Is there a tip for

35:13 Should you just paint a piece of paper rather than actually painting the wall? You should always paint a piece of paper. Paint a piece of paper and not paint the wall because I've heard that people do that, it's up there for a year and a half and they never get around to it. It's tormenting them every time they come into the room so yeah, so paint a piece of paper stick out because you could just pull that off and throw in the bin okay good Because I've said that before to people and they looked at me like i was mad, and I was thinking no. I don't think I'm mad. Yeah some companies have gotten onto that and they can actually produce them for you so they produce quite big samples that you stick straight on the wall. So how do you think you feel confident? We've created a vision right we've got an idea of kind of space we want to create. We made a priority list of things we want to put in there then we go off and start doing a mood board

36:05 Mood Board 101, ways to do mood boards for people who don't know how to do mood boards on Pinterest. Brilliant! And now like how do we piece it together? Because quite a lot of what makes a home is kind of knickknacks and bits and bobs and so for someone who's not used to doing that should they avoid that so you haven't got loads of tut around the house or is it nice to stop? I think yeah I think you're jumping the gun really. At the moment it's just an extra thing that you don't really need to be worrying about, i'd only take as far as what's going to make you comfortable so put a rug on the floor put some cushions on the sofa but when it comes to pictures and artwork and what we call accessories, I just kind of take my foot off the gas and give yourself some breathing space because what you will find through this process is that now gain confidence to have a pretty good idea that you know what you like

37:01 And that's, you can't overestimate that. You know because someone has gone from thinking they've absolutely no idea to now having this kind of pride and confidence in like wow look at this room! Look what I've created so what you will then find is you will start seeing things. You know what you were saying before? That you never noticed stuff was around and now you know you've kind of tuned into it So you'll find that when you are out about or looking online that you'll start seeing things So, let's get started. And that's what makes a family home, isn't it? Because if you've got pictures on the wall that you bought when you went on holiday or you've got that gorgeous photo. You know, you take this amazing photo and think I love that. That really encapsulates our family. I'm going to put up. Whereas if I kind of forced you to go through your photos and want you to find 10 photos right now, he wouldn't necessarily have that same resonance

38:17 Yeah, yeah. So I'll just wait on that one and then you're kind of creating memories because each of those items in the house is something that you and your family cherish? Rather than, because also I'm a real fan of not just purchasing things for the sake of it. You know you want things to have longevity and i think it's really important we're looking at the environmental impact of what we're creating and yes you want a home that your kids are going to be happy with but now we're teaching our children about that so to just be buying stuff for the sake of it that you'll potentially not gonna like in years time Just kind of hold back. And I'd also say that with the whole process is that there's temporary measures that you can put in place for all of these things, so if you are finding some of those decisions are too overwhelming... For instance, I was working with a client recently and she was really being pushed to make decisions on her curtains and she wasn't aware that you can get temporary blinds? I don't know if you've ever used these!

39:12 But you can just get temporary blackout blinds. They're about 20 pounds a piece off Amazon and they will last you for about three months. They just stick up, the black concertina and they have little clips I used them myself when i moved into this place so they just stick up and concertina it up and then that just gives you the breathing space because the room's dark And so with most things you will find there is a temporary measure that you can put in place. So I'm not suggesting that people shouldn't get on with it, You know its good to get on with and have the impetus and go for it but at the same time don't be pushed into making really dispensive decisions until you've just kind of

39:52 Take a breath and you're sure about it. Because you might find with some of these areas that you want expert help, You know, you might find that you want someone like me to come in and offer a short consultation or you might want to go to the curtain maker And if you go to the curtain maker there's going to be a delay when they come in and show you the samples and so on So then...so then you're investing in that time and there is value in in that process but doesn't mean yes Stuffed in the lead up to it I guess buying things on Facebay and eBay and second-hand shops is also a... people might think going around second hand shops isn't quite the one but Facebay and eBay there's literally, what's the other one? Marketplace to me.

40:36 All the kind of places where there's a free cycle and places where people are moving their furniture on. Yeah, yeah! And again that gives you more of that feeling that it is a piece that you really love and that you're more likely to hang onto it than necessarily just doing a mass purchase off Ikea and then wanting to replace those items later on so there is definitely a thought process of what do we really need right now What could wait a couple of months and then what can we do gradually? So get those key bits and pieces first. It's like a temporary coffee table, you need... You want to have a coffee table in the dining room because you needed one so you picked one up off of Facebay or Freecycle for a tenner and then when you spent 150 quid on one six months later it's actually a coffee table that you really loved and wanted. Yeah okay! We're pretty good,

41:30 You feel like you're getting there? Well, you know me a little bit. And so yeah I'm generally quite happy designing stuff but uh i think what i can say about myself is that being in a rented place then there's almost like a reluctance to go for it and then after a while you suddenly realize okay we've sat here with nothing on the wall! So about a year and a half ago now i went and bought a bunch of those picture frames where you can put lots of different photos in And I put a big mirror in the lounge, in the middle and then either side of those is one of these big kind of collage photos. And filled them with happy memories from lots of different holidays and you know granddad's cousins in France, cousins in America...and I think that probably goes back to what you're saying about creating those anchors for our children they were involved in choosing the photos they're excited we've put up

42:29 And of course, there's just happy memories all around us basically as well. Yeah and so even that's taken you a little bit of time to kind of get around to doing I think it did to be honest. Yeah, because sometimes it's a little bit of a process as well especially with photos cause it just brings up a lot of feelings and memories like do I want photos from when they were babies or when I was with their mum? You know, you wouldn't push yourself into doing that straight away. Just let yourself be guided because especially if its the first home that your making since the split just give yourself

43:08 You know, kind of space and time to accept that it's not going to be the easiest thing. So it's getting that balance between the excitement and fun and embracing a challenge at the same time just being a bit gentle with yourself and thinking well yeah this is quite a big deal! Yeah, I love that. Be gentle with yourself. That's really important. It's a big time and i think that feeds into this idea that you just don't need to make jump into making these massive kind of decisions straight away just take them gradually and wait until you feel like you've got the confidence behind you because also a lot of his decision can be we haven't really talked about the finances of things but a sofa or bed have quite expensive purchases aren't they so you want to get it right

43:53 Yeah, absolutely. Bed I've bought new I'm going to be talking about the So it just ran for like six months and so nothing came out, nothing came out. And then one came out and it was literally round the corner! It was not close enough to carry but when I got the man with the van he goes that's only around the corner...I know but its too big, its too big. So I guess there are different ways of saving money as well isn't? Is buying things second hand

44:51 Man with Vans type stuff rather than big removal firms. The decal idea that you had, where can people get those decals? How do you get... it's like a space for stickers on the wall There's just a sticker from the award and I think often eBay is like one of the best or Etsy. I don't know if you're familiar with Etsy? Yes Which is yeah much more kind of small independent makers, craft based that are selling on Etsy and you just pop your size in your color in there like you can get decal for anything you could imagine And they're really good simple choice so kids can help you do it as well So you can choose a design that exists or you can ask them to do your own words, or things like that. Yeah yeah, you can do your own words and you can do your child's name and bits and pieces like this. And again going back to Pinterest has really good inspiration so some children... You can sometimes find that children aren't sure, you kind of asked them what they want in their bedroom

45:47 So that can help if you show them a visual prompt. If you think, oh my kid's into space for example it's quite good one You can have a look at your bedrooms on there and then that can give them an idea often children find out quite often work with kids when we're doing their bedrooms And if you showed them something they'll find it much easier to say I like this or don't like this rather than again They've never thought about how do they just decide what they want in the bedroom so yeah Yeah, so often the visual stuff can really help them. Absolutely brilliant and one final kind of question or area of question is changing angles slightly... Couples where because you mentioned this in the beginning sort of the counselling side of things

46:36 A couple that's struggling to agree on stuff or, let me put it this way. What are some of the common mistakes that couples make when they're going into an interior design project? Not on not all the choices they make but in terms of working it out together like what's what are some of the mistakes they make or some practical advice on couples getting through this without hating each other I think that communication is really key. So sometimes, I'll come into a house for an initial consultation and it appears that this couple haven't even talked to each other about what they want so they've not sat down and discussed it And they're both telling me a completely different story even to the extent that they might think they need different rooms doing

47:24 And one thinks they're going to have a full refurb and one just thought they were going to refresh the kitchen with some covered doors. And this is only coming out because they're talking to me, and they kind of looking at each other like no idea because they haven't kind of sat down and talked it through. So I think in a way you know what we've just been on this little journey, I would do that together Like, have that as a kind of like date night thing where you kind of sit down together because if... You might presume that you know your partner's style but let's say you've already lived in rented accommodation. Maybe you don't? Maybe you haven't really got an idea on what they like and what you like And until you communicate and you see, you don't know where you need to compromise Because you might find out when you communicate and look at your styles and you're like well actually we kinda like the same colours

48:15 Our styles are a little bit different. He likes potentially slightly more simple designs and she might like something a little bit more intricate, but you've got kind of common ground there potentially on your colours But if you don't do this exercise You've got no idea So I'd say communicate. It's the same with any relationship issue Get the communication get the decision-making process Together, and then from that point if you're not agreeing on things it's going to have to be compromised. Sometimes people will split up the rooms so one of the couples will... half of the couple will be more focused on one room and another will be more focused on another or potentially they'll go to their strengths So you might find somebody is more interested in a practical side someone is more interested in the aesthetic side so you can maybe work along that way

49:12 Yeah, OK. Got it so blimey and talk about money as well that's pretty key how much they're going to spend what to be you know oftentimes there is many kind of questions I can ask people when they are stuck So let say i'll ask you about what budget have you got? People will scratch their head and say oh I don't really know but if I was to say to you What do you think its reasonable to spend on the sofa You're much more likely, because I could say would you spend £7000 on a sofa? And you know, you see people straight away like oh no, no. Would you spend 3000? Oh yeah! I'd spend £3000 on the sofa if it was a sofa that I was going to invest in and have for a long time So we've got starting block there because do you know if you spent £3000 on a sofa these are the kind of stores that were looking at now and he will spend £3000 on a sofa but she won't She thinks that's too much

50:11 Then you need to work out, well so what are we talking about here? Are we going to kind of be on the finances? What are we going to compromise on. So they're really key questions that you need to have from the outset. And going back to the point about having fun... You can only discover these price points and questions and style things by going out and having a wander around shops and actually enjoying it! Yeah I get myself out there! Is Go Shopping with no intention of buying something, just go and have a nice day. Make it like a date basically go and have a nice day out, have some lunch and just bob around the shops enjoying almost half taking the piss out things that each of you likes or don't like for every stupid thing that you get to laugh about there might be another couple of things that you actually agree about and now slowly but surely your starting to piece together an agreeable style design

51:08 Yeah, you're building a picture of what you both like and what is and isn't important to the other person. And you can do that when you're out about anywhere I mean, you can imagine at the moment I'm really missing being out in different environments because that's what makes me tick and i just love seeing their different ideas So you could be in the pub and say oh do you know I really like those tiles or wherever you might be in a market it's...and you notice that you really like the colours on the stall And if you're not pointing that stuff out to each other, then you wouldn't necessarily have any reason. So it's like approaching it with fun I think so many times people can have this dreaded experience where they think oh we've got to have a renovation project and it's going to be really stressful but it's about planning and it's about organisation, it's about communication because if you've done that in advance

52:00 Then you're going to take out a lot of the stress along the route because you haven't procrastinated on doing this stuff and then when it comes up, you end up kind of disagreeing about something or potentially have a shock when that quote comes in from the builder because she had absolutely no idea what was gonna cost that kinda money. So it's about kind of looking at the outset of like, what do we like? What to enjoy because ultimately this is about making your beautiful family home. And I know on advice but what could be nicer than investing your time and energy on making your environment beautiful? Which goes back to the point you made at the beginning about our home being one of the most important place feeling happy there. Yeah

52:41 And everything you've shared today has been about either single dads, single mums creating that environment. Or as we just touched upon there couples doing this project without ending up becoming a separated family! And especially at the moment what could be more important? How much time are we spending In our homes, like it's unprecedented amount of time that we're spending at home. Yeah yeah people could be enjoying it couldn't they? They could be looking at Pinterest and actually enjoying just even if they weren't going to spend the money next week they couldn't be enjoying just chit-chatting and having a laugh about we got to sort this lounge out yeah okay

53:21 And you're doing, as we wrap this up, you're doing kind of Zoom consultations with people right now because that's the way the world is working. Is that actually meaning you can work with people all across the country or all across the world right now? Yeah so zoom or phone whatever helps with people I mean obviously the visual side of things would be more zoom Clare Topham Hartley My knowledge at any stage of the project, I've got a client that I'm working with. A couple at the moment and did a renovation for them a few years ago and there because people are still in the middle of building works at the moment or despite being in lockdown they're still buying property so she's just giving me a call once a week or so ever just to have a chat about managing building works

54:21 So any kind of consultation, whatever it is as long as it's to do with people's homes. I've got slightly more specialist information for them! Yes, I need some cream can you help? Okay, this has been fabulous. Thanks so much for sharing. People can come and look at your website. Your phone number is there and all your contact details some of your case studies in different work that people have put on you So yeah, so you're based in Worthing Brighton Shoreham area but now you can actually consult with people all over Yeah we do also work in like Sussex or London in any case normally but yeah consultation's coming from all over the world Brilliant

55:14 Well, thanks so much. I know this is going to be incredible value to some people maybe save some relationships the classic couple arguing their way around IKEA is bringing to mind. Thanks Jonnie nice to catch up Well Dads, that was awesome. Thanks for listening this far. You know it is... I mean we're all comfortable about different things aren't we? Some people don't know about cooking some people don't know about painting decorating fixing cars like we've all got our own strengths yeah and

55:51 One of the things about Team Super Dad is realising that and bringing everybody together because it's such a waste of time to sit wondering and worrying when there are people around us who are experts, who can guide us, give tips and tricks. So yeah it was fun talking to Clare I loved the bit about her story where she just Obviously she got qualified but then that first thought of how am I going to get some work and sticking flyers through letterboxes. There is a lesson in there for us all, you know there has to be a first job there has to be a first project and the longer you put it off longer it takes to get started so just get out there and get started Team Super Dad we are growing and growing come on over to the Facebook group and join in at facebook.com forward slash groups forward slash team super dad

56:40 The Hero Academy, launching for the next intake in February. Come and get involved over at TeamSuperDad.com There is a pre-registration list loads of bonuses for people who get signed up early and basically this is it! This is your time to create the life you really desire and get out of the life you feel stuck in Once again thanks being here please share Like us, comment us leave a review on iTunes or Apple Podcast as it's now known and I look forward to seeing you on the next Team Super Dad podcast. Team Super Dad out! This has been team super dad find us at teamsuperdad.com Join the program and create the best life ever for you and your children You are not alone Your on Team Super Dad