Find Your Voice - Speak Confidently Before It Takes You Down

00:01 Find your voice, men. You need to speak up with confidence. Otherwise, it's going to take you down. Roll them. Welcome to the Johnny Jensen Show, where modern dads discover how to create the true riches, relationships, and results they deserve. Get your high value man blueprint and join our community at highvalumanproject.com. Let's go. Men, welcome, men, to the Johnny Jensen show. It is great to have you back here. My name is Johnny Jensen. I am the head coach and founder at the High Value Man Project.

00:44 To all the new people watching, listening, then great to have you here. Don't know how you found me, but bloody good to see you. Hopefully that was on Spotify or Apple Podcasts or YouTube. Maybe even you were recommended, even better. Who did recommend you? Drop by in the comments and let me know. It'd be brilliant to find out. This topic today, finding your voice, having a voice. Too many men are not speaking up in all areas of their life. And that can be because we are too busy or we've got other things going on, other pressures, other stresses.

01:22 So we decide that this area, well, I'm just going to take it on the chin. I'm just going to suck it up for a bit. But that is where ultimately we will find a loss of power. It becomes this mental loop going round and round in circles in our brain and it will start to then bleed into other areas of our life. And if it's inside your relationship, then this is pretty much the worst place that you can choose not to speak up, choose not to have a voice. Because when you start to do that, then the relationship will suffer. A man who's going through a pressured, tense, struggling relationship, it would instantly instantly, it would ultimately bleed into the rest of your life and take you down, which is what we don't want, which in fact, the exact opposite of what we're creating here at the High Value Man Project.

02:15 Having your voice is absolutely vital. It creates weakness and doubt, not just internally, but externally as well. And we think it doesn't matter. We think it doesn't show up, but it does. Our energy is what people pick up on. And we're going to break this down today and look at the different areas and the different reasons why men choose to do this. And I hope that as you're listening to this, you don't think to yourself, oh, well, that's not me. We've all got it. And it could be even that there's a, you know, it's a personal thing, like we're not speaking up for ourselves. It could be our weight or our health and fitness. Like it's something where we've just not got a voice.

02:57 And as part of like who we are as men, you don't have to be the most confident person in the world, but charisma, being the man, hopefully the camera's going to kick back in in a second. Being the man that shows up with, there we go, it's come back. Don't know why it does that. I need to get that fixed. Being the man that has a voice no matter what, has the wherewithal, has the presence of mind to be able to say, that wasn't really what I wanted to happen, or this isn't really going in the direction that I want it to go. This is what I would like to propose and see what we can create. I know it's awkward, but like getting that out in the open is so much more

03:40 positive, constructive, that has momentum, it has a forward direction, like it's healthy. And the complete opposite happens. It's a low value version of that where we suck it up, we swallow it, we try and not even bury it because we don't want to bury it. But what we really want to do is we'd like to fix it. We'd like it to be addressed. But then when it suddenly becomes like, oh man, every time I bring it up, it's a problem. Then we end up thinking, okay, solid, I can't deal with that. I'm just going to push past. That is not the way forward. So a little bit of a check back into who we are and what we're doing here. The Johnny Jensen show used to be called the Team Super Dad Show, but we rebranded everything,

04:21 stepped it up as the High Value Man Project. Still very much focused on modern dads. A high percentage of men coming through and into the community, into working on one-on-one with me, whichever direction you take, they're men going through divorce, yes. But it's not just about, oh, we've got to rebuild ourselves after divorce. It's about men showing up in the world as the best version of themselves so that we can be more for others. It doesn't work the other way around. And that is the modern, I don't know, it's like a plague, basically. It's what's dragging men down, the suicide rates, the divorce rates, all. all continue to be absolutely dramatic.

05:04 Interestingly, divorce rates are actually down, but you have to look at the details of that information because marriage rates are down as well. So, guess what? People aren't risking getting married, which means less people are getting divorced. But it doesn't, you've got to look at the suicide rates and men's mental health and obesity and addictions to really see that men are definitely struggling in the world. Lots of other conversations around that inside the high value man project, and you can dive into that, come and be involved with that either on the podcast. So, wherever you are, get uh subscribe to this and uh and share it with other men in your life. We have talked about the what's it called, review of the week. I didn't need only the jingle.

07:58 So, get yourself over to the highvalumanproject.com forward slash group back to today's topic: finding your voice or speaking confidently, finding your voice before it drags you down. That's what we're talking about today. And it's really important to stress as we talk about this subject that it's not about men who are totally weak and broken and have got no voice. Now, if that is you, then this is really going to resonate. But where this really is a pinch point for most men is that it happens in one area of our life rather than all.

08:36 It will be something that we're wrestling with and trying to shift, trying to steer towards something that we actually want rather than something we feel stuck in. But because we can't, it just goes round and round. We lose our voice in that subject. And in particular, this happens in relationships, probably with our other half, our wife, our significant other, but it could be in our business with a business partner or colleague. It could be with our kids. Anywhere where you're not speaking up for yourself, anywhere you're not addressing the subject that's

09:14 grinding you down, then it's gonna get worse. And the reason it's gonna get worse is because you're internalizing this whole thing. And it's very, very rare that a problem addressed like that, you suddenly come up with a solution. We'll talk later about some practices of self-care that you can do to really dig into topics and find ways forward. But it doesn't change the fact that unless you bring it out into the open, unless you address it with the people that you're experiencing, then you're never going to move forward. You're going to be stuck. And stuck is shit. Stuck is like quicksand. It drags you down. So,

09:59 um, you know, where have I done this before? You know, the obvious one really is in marriage, you know, and we do end up talking about, you know, marriage in this in these shows because a large part of the inspiration and motivation behind the high bounty man project came from my experience of being in a marriage that didn't work. Now, it's not about who I was married to. This is about how I was addressing difficult subjects and choosing in the face of those difficult subjects where I couldn't move them forward to end up just saying, Okay, well, I'm not going to talk about it.

10:36 I will hope that it goes away. But guess what? It never goes away. It kind of goes round and round for however long it takes before you can't take it anymore. And boom, it comes back out. And that's why it's so toxic to have these subjects, you know, buried inside you because the frustration that comes out in other areas is an illustration of what that's actually doing to you. So you will become detached from situations, detached from relationships. You will become more snappy in certain situations, maybe with that particular person, or maybe it'll be with other people in your life. You're like taking it out on others. And

11:17 I know that inside of my marriage, the fact that things weren't going that well and the fact that I couldn't really resolve them, I couldn't move them forward, I couldn't create the relationship that ultimately I desired, that I that was my vision of marriage and of and of teamwork and of family. I just couldn't seem to create it with that person. And so it sent me quietly mad. You know, we had arguments. There would be periods of silence and then periods of upset and anger and then periods of internal sort of guilt and struggle.

12:01 And this is what it's like. I'm sure you can relate to a time in a job like that. Other people will be business owners having these kind of thoughts. How do I move this forward? How do I get out of this? How do I deal with this situation? Oh, I can't cope with that thought right now. So I'm just going to press on and hope that it gets better. On the off chance that it does get better, brilliant. But even then, if it's about your connection with others, it's about the way that you communicate with others. If you don't resolve it and things appear to get better, then probably the underlying issue isn't going to go away. It's just that circumstances right now are a bit rosier and it feels like, oh, yeah, we're doing all right.

12:43 It will come back round and bite you on the ass. And the worst part of this is when you internalize it is it becomes a mental loop. You're constantly going around in circles, working out different ways to try and address it. What if I went like this? What if I went like that? You, you know, you perhaps try it, it doesn't work, and you go back to the drawing board. It becomes a mental health issue. Not addressing, not having a voice around things that are important to you or things that are challenging you become a mental health issue. It is something called a double bind, which if you look it up,

13:26 you can read about it, but it kind of does what it says on the tin. It means like you're damned if you do and damned if you don't. If you turn left, you're going to get hit by a bus. And if you turn right, you're going to fall off the edge of a cliff. Like neither of those you're going to take, okay? But if you're like stuck with, I've got to choose one of them. Ah, how do I possibly address this? And that's a bit dramatic, but for it for illustration purposes, you can see if it's a relationship, if I leave her, well, I'm going to be out of this drama and mess. But then what about the kids and what about money? And what about what everyone thinks of me? What about my marriage vows and all the things I committed to? But if I stay and we're in this

14:06 toxic, sexless, tense relationship, then I'm going to go out of my mind if I stay in it. And that's where it becomes a mental health problem. And that the heaviness of it will often lead then to people, to men, picking up habits or using distraction to stop themselves thinking about that. You know, they'll stay out of the home. They'll work longer. They'll go to the gym more. They'll drink more. They'll gamble. They'll game more. Like you'll try and avoid the very thing that is the big issue by doing something that feels better in the moment.

14:47 It won't work. The problem won't go away. The bad habits will make you feel shitter about yourself. It's a downward spiral, which we often talk about on this podcast. Highlighting why men are struggling in the world today. It's these kinds of things. When we start to show up with clarity and courage and commitment, addressing what needs to be addressed, following a pathway, following habits and routines that are taking us towards our vision, that is the path. That is the direction where a fulfilling relationship is found. That is the path where joy in our work and connection with our children and friends and family is secured.

15:29 That's what it's all about. So, looking at some of my notes here. What can you do about this? Okay, it's not actually that difficult. I don't know why so many men find that they can't talk about things or it's too difficult. It could be that you've given so many compromises in this situation that you've dug yourself into a hole where you're like, well, how can I bring that thing up when there's these other 10 things? It could be a fear of the outcome. Like, I'm going to bring this up, but I don't really know what's going to happen.

16:08 And whilst I do want it to be resolved, what if it gets worse? And so then you stay stuck, you stay silent in the subject. And it could also be commonly a fear about your own level of performance and success. Like it's confronting to think that somehow you're at fault, there's somehow you're not doing enough to resolve this subject. And so you just collapse it down deeper and deeper. The solution, because this is the important part of it, here we are, 16 minutes in. The solution is for you to step up and take control

16:48 for yourself and in your life. Having a clear direction of where you're headed and what you're creating and who you are in that movie, who you show up as, what your values are, what it is that you said you're committed to creating, and then having the bollocks to stand by that. If the relationship isn't working, then you're able to say, this wasn't what we said we were going to create. This wasn't what we said we were committed to. I can't keep like sacrificing here without knowing that we've set a new path, that we're moving towards a new shared goal.

17:28 There's nothing wrong with new shared goals, but you have to have a goal. A man without a clear direction and the knowledge that he's moving towards it will ultimately feel unfulfilled. It's a deeply challenging state for a man to be in because you've got no purpose. If you've ever read anything about Japanese culture and the concept of ikigai, this goes back thousands of years. So they knew what they were talking about back then, let alone the Greek Stoics before them. It's aligning your goals and direction, your values and sense of who you are with a clear purpose, with a clear direction of where you're headed.

18:12 Victor Frankel's book, Man Search for Meaning, which we actually mentioned on the podcast last week, you know, he said, a man with a strong why can withstand any situation. A man with a strong enough why. That's about a clarity of where you're headed and who you are. So reclaiming your voice is having a strong platform from which you're standing on. As they say, you know, if you stand for nothing, you'll fall for everything. Another good book, seeing as we mentioned, Victor Frankl's Man's Search for Meaning is Stephen Covey's Seven Habits of Highly Effective People.

18:53 This is in there. It's one of the key points about having direction and clarity about where you're headed. And so if you're inside of the high value man project and our system for living, then the 3XC identity compass is exactly this. Inside of clarity, knowing who you are is about your values, about your strengths, your weaknesses, your passions, and your commitments. Like if you're using the bloody cold superhero matrix, if you're using the superhero matrix, you'll see those four boxes.

19:32 And when you complete them, it amazes me when I go through this exercise with men, when they look at this. So you've got a box that's got your values, like honesty, fun. courage family fun and adventure like their values right when you so you put that in the middle and then you go around the other four boxes which is your strengths that's the things that you're good at things that you enjoy weaknesses areas topics that you don't enjoy that you find difficult that doesn't mean like go and study them it probably means find other people to support you with them delegate them away and then your passions and your

20:16 commitments these can overlap and that's actually quite good you know your children can be a commitment clearly because you've got to feed and support them but they could also be your passion like you live to see them thrive you you you get deep joy out of seeing them score a goal or or dance across a stage so when i work through the superhero matrix with men and then you say to them do you recognize this person they're like yes that's bloody me that's that's the man i i want to be okay good are you being that right now probably not then you get a pinch point then you get the frustration and the sense

20:56 of of being dragged down by the experience of life rather than um you know catapulted forward a launch pad and then next up is really who you know what you want so often when i speak to men and i'll ask them um what do you want they start running off a list of things that they don't want because they're the areas of frustrations they're the things that they've not got a voice over they're so top of mind that they just come out instead of oh i want this i want this i want this they're like oh man i need this to stop i need that to change i want this to be different

21:33 and that's the problem that when when you when you lift leave these thoughts festering and and rattling around inside of you they become all you focus on they replace all positive direction and momentum with this constant thought of how am i going to fix this how am i going to fix this how am i going to fix this the answer the solution is being really clear about who you are and where you're headed what you want so that you can then go into that conversation and rather than it be you this you that you come from i am looking to create a life like this i'm looking for our relationship to be more like this what can i do to create this with us for us

22:19 it comes from a position of strength rather than oh you need to do this and you need to change otherwise which is weak and and moany and lacks really any masculine energy it's not about being alpha male like six pack and flex and red pill do what i say or else but it is about leading with confidence and if you've not sat down and thought about like what do you want there isn't really any magical trick to doing it it's simply a case of drawing out the seven areas of your life like home work yourself um your relationship

23:00 your children your like adventure fun and family you can put home in there as a separate one if you want but when you when you spider that out into like a mind map or we call it the high value man blueprint then you just put off of it all the things that you want what do you want the relationship to be like what do you want to with your kids what do you want your finances to be like what do you want your home to be like where do you want to go on holiday what do you want the experience of life to be and then that's what you're pushing towards that's what lights you up that's what excites you and then as far as being able to talk about it which i have just touched on quite quite a bit actually

23:38 but the conversation comes from a baseline of responsibility it comes from the position of i rather than you if you've read any anger management books and i have read quite a few because there was a time in my life where i has been it has been put labeled uh suggested to me that i've got an anger problem that i'm and and in those situations yeah there were arguments there might have been shouting there was like stuff i had to work through but what i've come to learn about myself and this whole experience and managing emotions is that most anger comes from a deep level of frustration and even resentment a stuckness about a certain subject or scenario where it's not that you've like the outburst

24:28 is some um out of control uh monster it's a deep sense of frustration in yourself that you're not moving things forward that you're not saying what needs to be said. So, if you want to manage and manage your anger and challenge your channel your emotions in a better way, have a look at where you feel stuck and frustrated and resentful. When you can start to address those, when you can get clear on what those are and then go and have the conversations with people that need to be that you need to speak to, you will find yourself at peace with less stress and toxic energy.

25:10 You will find your emotions managed. It's like 101 anger counseling there for you. And then, how do you have these conversations? If you've accessed the high value man relationship reset, you know, that tool, that conversation holds within it some clear instructions on how to have a positive, proactive conversation with your wife or significant other. It's a structure which is actually less about conversation and more about listening.

25:52 So, when you take a conversation to someone, you've got to realize that if you're coming at it from, I've got to talk about this and you need to listen, and you've got to fix this or you've got to change, then the energy coming into that is going to be all wrong. The outcome that you desire is not going to be achieved. In fact, it's probably going to be more like an argument. And you will be left then feeling massively disempowered, probably more frustrated. And you go back to the top of this conversation where you think, well, I wish I'd never bought that up. What was the bloody point in that? We're in an even worse place right now. This is about you moving the subject forward. I would like to create this. I'm experiencing our relationship like this, and

26:37 that's leading me to behave and feel like this. I've realized now how that might be for you, but I can't, and I would like that to be different. I'd like that to be improved. This is what I want to bring to the table. This is my vision for life. This is where I feel compromised in my values and in my passions and commitments and strengths. Now, when the person responds, it's not your job to defend yourself. And ideally, if you set this up right, then what you're going to hope is that they're not going to react and jump down your throat. But ultimately, you can't do anything about that, or at least

27:21 at least what you've got no control of however someone else is going to react, basically, right? But how you are in the moment does make the difference. You're creating their response. So, if you're all frustrated and anxious and tense and ready for a fight, then you're probably going to get that back. Active listening, when they're speaking to you, it's your job to get their experience. So, if you say something and they come back at you with a whole load of no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, then somewhere in amongst that is how they're truly feeling, is what it is, it is what it's like for them to be in the seat opposite you.

28:02 And rather than react to that and trying to defend it, get interested in it. Be like, I'm not sure I fully agree with all that, but I'm really interested to hear what it's like for you. I'm really interested to see if there's a different way. Oh, and suddenly you disarm them because when they say it, assuming they've had the guts and the confidence to say it, that they're going to be expecting you to disagree and throw it back at them. They're ready for the fight because perhaps that's what you've always brought to the table before. Or maybe you've never spoken about this, but you've been festering on this for such a while that you haven't really been a nice person and they didn't know why.

28:41 So, it's a practice of active listening, like truly hearing their words, noticing their body, listening for their emotion. That's when you can find insights. That's where you can see what you could take responsibility for and what you could do differently. Please let me stress in this moment. This is not about you falling on your sword and taking all this on the chin. It's not like, oh, you've done something wrong, you're at fault. So, guess what? You've got to suffer and fix this. That's not what it's about. It's about leading in the conversation. We started this episode by calling it speak confidently, find your voice before it drags you down. This is what it's all about.

29:25 So, in terms of the high-value man process, it's you know, it's very much this clarity sub point there, and everything else we've been. been talking about sits inside of courage having the ability and the freedom to speak your voice to show up as your true self and to create a situation like to be the person that that that brings about a change and then the third c in the 3xc is commitment and that's where based on this conversation based on this fresh start based on what i said i wanted us to create this is what i'm going to do differently this is how i'm going to show up this is what i'm inviting you to be part of that's the commitment

30:09 that's where you get to create and this is so so important because the difference the alternative is that you stay stuck in this subject this is what men do oh i'm just going to get my head down and keep going forwards i'm going to hope that it comes comes good i'm going to hope that it works itself out it doesn't or you spend so long in the problem that when it does actually work itself out the man you are at the end of it is a shell is a shitty half cut version of the man that you can or could and

30:49 should have been the toxic impact of struggling and suffering is huge how you age how your energy for life the fun experiences and the connection and joy and intimacy that you've missed out on through that period where you were struggling to get through something wouldn't it be better if you took the high value route and said i'm not prepared to waste this time on earth to waste this experience of being alive to suffer this topic simply because i'm not talking about it simply because i didn't have the bollocks to look at what i could be

31:28 responsible for and bring it to you in a way that's going to create a difference that's the essence of being a high value man that's the essence of leading in your life for your family in your business for your children being the kind of guy that your friends and family can't wait to be around who lights up a room whether you're at the front of the room as the most charismatic extroverted person or at the back of the room the most confident humble introvert who although it's not easy actually loves talking and getting connected to people somewhere at both ends of that spectrum and everything in between is where you're at you get to decide but you do it from the place of winning from the place of being the best version of yourself so that you can be more for others it doesn't work the other way around

32:22 so where do you need to speak up what is the subject what is a topic what is an area where you feel stuck and you haven't been addressing it with the full power that you could bring to it i know that you already know what you've got to go out now and do is address it put into practice what we've talked about today and go and speak to that person and if you you know want guidance and support on that well it could be with a one-on-one power call for an hour or it could even be of course inside of the high value man project in the inner circle in the eight week accelerator or in uh you know in a leap one-on-one work with me go and get yourself involved via the um it's

33:08 highvalumanproject.com forward slash group that will get you into base camp that'll open up all levels of dialogue and if you can't be asked to do that then just look for johnny jensen on all the socials and we will get you started it's been my absolute pleasure to have you here with me share this with other men in your life introduce them to the high value man project and i will see you next week let's go thanks for tuning in to the johnny jensen show be sure to subscribe leave a review and share it with fellow dads creating the life you deserve starts with you get your high value man blueprint and join our community of motivated modern dads at highvalumanproject.com let's go