Find Your Voice - Speak Confidently Before It Takes You Down

00:01 Find your voice, men. You need to speak up with confidence otherwise it's going to take you down. Roll theme! Welcome to The Jonnie Jensen Show where modern dads discover how to create the true riches relationships and results they deserve Get your High Value Man blueprint and join our community at highvaluemanproject.com Let's go Welcome men to The Jonnie Jensen Show. It is great to have you back here, my name's Jonnie Jensen I am the head coach and founder at The High Value Man Project To all the new people watching listening then great to have you here Don't know how you found me but bloody good to see you Hopefully that was on Spotify or Apple Podcasts or YouTube Maybe even you were recommended it even better who did recommend you

00:59 Drop by in the comments and let me know. It'd be brilliant to find out this topic today, finding your voice having a voice too many men are not speaking up in all areas of their life and that can be because we are too busy or we've got other things going on other pressures other stresses so we decide that this area well I'm just gonna take it on the chin oh I'm just gonna suck it up for a bit But that is where ultimately we will find a loss of power. It becomes this mental loop going round and round in circles in our brain, and it will start to then bleed into other areas of our life. And if it's inside your relationship then this is pretty much the worst place that you can choose not to speak up, choose not to have a voice

01:54 Because when you start to do that, then the relationship will suffer. A man who's going through a pressured tense struggling relationship it would instantly... well not instantly It would ultimately bleed into the rest of your life and take you down which is what we don't want Which in fact is exact opposite of what we're creating here at The High Value Man Project Having your voice is absolutely vital! It creates weakness and doubt Not just internally, but externally as well. And we think it doesn't matter. We think it doesn't show up but it does! Our energy is what people pick up on and we're going to break this down today and look at the different areas and the different reasons why men choose to do this. I hope that as you're listening to this you don't think to yourself oh well that's not me...we've all got it

02:44 And it could be even that there's a, you know, it's a personal thing. Like we're not speaking up for ourselves. It could be our weight or our health and fitness like it's something where we just not got a voice and as part of who we are is men. You don't have to be the most confident person in the world but charisma being the man hopefully the camera was going to kick back into second being the man that shows up with... There we go its come back. Don't know why does that I need to get that fixed Being the man that has a voice no matter what, has the wherewithal, has the presence of mind to be able to say

03:24 That wasn't really what I wanted to happen, or this isn't really going in the direction that I want it to go. This is what I would like to propose and see what we can create." I know it's awkward but getting that out in the open is so much more positive, constructive, has momentum, it has a forward direction like... It's healthy! And the complete opposite happens. It's a low value version of that where we suck it up, we swallow it and try not even bury because you don't want to bury it but what we really want to do is with I would like to fix it. We'd like it to be addressed but then when it suddenly becomes like oh man every time I bring it up as a problem then we end up thinking okay sod it! I can't deal with that. I'm just going to push past. That is not the way forward

04:11 So a little bit of a check back into who we are and what we're doing here. The Jonnie Jensen Show used to be called the Team Superdad Show, but we rebranded everything now stepped it up as the High Value Man Project Still very much focused on modern dads. A high percentage of men coming through and into the community, into working on one-on-one with me whichever direction you take they're men going through divorce yes but it's not just about oh we've got to rebuild ourselves after divorce It's about men showing up in the world as the best version of themselves so that we can be more for others. It doesn't work the other way around and that is

04:53 I know it's like a plague basically, it's what's dragging men down. The suicide rates the divorce rates all continue to be absolutely dramatic Interestingly, divorce rates are actually down. You have to look at the details of that information because marriage rates are down as well so guess what? People aren't risking getting married which means less people are getting divorced but it doesn't mean you've got a look at the suicide rates and men's mental health and obesity and addictions to really see that men are definitely struggling in the world Lots of other conversations around that inside the High Value Man Project and you can dive into that, come and be involved with that either on the podcast or wherever you are. Subscribe to this and share it with other men in your life! We have talked about the... what's it called? Review Of The Week I need a jingle. I've got a whole sound desk here if I need to set up a jingle for that. The Review Of The Week

05:54 There we go. We've got it this week, I've been prepared and actually pulled one out so this is from Too Many Tabs Great content and well presented and heartwarming to know other dads are sharing the same challenges Thank you too many tabs if you get in touch with me then i will set you up with your gift your prize power call with me which is a 90 minute The Jonnie Jensen Show, Jonnie Jensen

06:34 So thank you Too Many Tabs. If you go to the show notes, depending on where you're listening to this but if you go to the show notes if you listen to the podcast there is a link there to both Apple Podcast and Spotify. You click on that you can leave me a review Review of The Week wins! This at present it's a power call It might be free membership to The Inner Circle. It might be participation in the next eight week The Jonnie Jensen Show,

09:59 You know, where have I done this before? The obvious one really is in marriage. And we do end up talking about marriage in these shows because a large part of the inspiration and motivation behind the High Value Man project came from my experience of being in a marriage that didn't work! Now it's not about who I was married to this is about how I was addressing Difficult subjects and choosing in the face of those difficult subjects where I couldn't move them forward to end up just saying, OK well i'm not going to talk about it. I will hope that he goes away but guess what? It never goes away! It kind of goes round and round for however long it takes before you can take anymore and boom it comes back out

10:47 And that's why it's so toxic to have these subjects, you know buried inside you because the frustration that comes out in other areas is an illustration of what that's actually doing to you. So you will become detached from situations, detached from relationships You will become more snappy in certain situations maybe with that particular person or maybe with other people in your life like taking it out on others and I know that inside of my marriage, the fact that things weren't going that well and the fact that I couldn't really resolve them. I couldn't move them forward. I couldn't create the relationship ultimately that I desired... That was my vision of marriage and teamwork and family. I just couldn't seem to create it with that person

11:46 It sent me quietly mad. You know, we had arguments there would be periods of silence and then periods of upset and anger And then periods of you know internal sort of guilt and struggle. This is what it's like I'm sure you can relate to a time in a job like that The Even then, if it's about your connection with others. It's about the way that you communicate with others If you don't resolve it and things appear to get better then probably the underlying issue isn't going to go away. It's just that circumstances right now are a bit rosier and it feels like oh yeah we're doing all right! It will come back round and bite you on the arse

12:48 The worst part of this is when you internalise it, is that becomes a mental loop. You're constantly going round in circles working out different ways to try and address it. What if I went like this? What if I went like that? You know perhaps try it doesn't work and go back the drawing board It's becomes a mental health issue not addressing not having a voice around things are important or things challenging become a mental health issues The Jonnie Jensen Show, Jonnie Jensen

13:43 How do I possibly address this? And that's a bit dramatic, but for illustration purposes you can see if it's a relationship. If i leave her well I'm going to be out of this drama and mess but then what about the kids and what about money and what about everyone thinks of me... What about my marriage vows and all the things I committed to?! But if I stay and we're in these toxic sexless tents The Jonnie Jensen Show, Jonnie Jensen The Jonnie Jensen Show, Jonnie Jensen

15:04 With clarity and courage and commitment, addressing what needs to be addressed following a pathway. Following habits and routines that are taking us towards our vision That is the path! That is the direction where a fulfilling relationship is found. That is the path where joy in our work and connection with our children and friends and family is secured. That's what it's all about So looking at some of my notes here What can you do about this? Okay, it's not actually that difficult. I don't know why so many men find that they can't talk about things or it's too difficult It could be that you've given so many compromises in this situation That you've dug yourself into a hole where like well how can I bring that thing up when there are these other 10 things

16:01 It could be a fear of the outcome, like I'm going to bring this up but i don't really know what's going to happen and whilst I do want it to be resolved. What if it gets worse? And so then you stay stuck, you stay silent in the subject And it could also be commonly a fear about your own level of performance and success. Like, it's confronting to think that somehow you're at fault there is some how you're not doing enough to resolve this subject and so we just collapse it down deeper and deeper

16:38 The solution, because this is the important part of it here we are 16 minutes in. The solution is for you to step up and take control for yourself and your life having a clear direction of where you're headed and what you're creating and who you are in that movie who you show up as? What your values are? What it is that you said you're committed to creating And then having the bollocks to stand by that The relationship isn't working, then you're able to say this wasn't what we said we were going to create. This wasn't what we said we were committed to I can't keep like sacrificing here without knowing that we've set a new path that we're moving towards A new shared goal there's nothing wrong with new shared goals but you have to have a goal! A man without a clear direction and the knowledge that he's moving towards it will ultimately feel unfulfilled

17:39 It's a deeply challenging state for a man to be in because you've got no purpose. If you've ever read anything about Japanese culture and the concept of Ikigai, this goes back thousands of years so they knew what they were talking about back then let alone that Greek Stoics before them It's aligning your goals and direction, your values and sense of who you are with a clear purpose. With a clear direction of where you're headed. Victor Frankl's book Man's Search for Meaning which we actually mentioned on the podcast last week he said that a man with a strong why can withstand any situation A man with a strong enough why That's about clarity in where you're headed and who you are

18:32 So reclaiming your voice is having a strong platform from which you're standing on. As they say, if you stand for nothing, you'll fall for everything! Another good book seeing as we mentioned Viktor Frankl's Man's Search For Meaning is Stephen Covey's Seven Habits of Highly Effective People this is in there It's one of the key points about having direction and clarity about where you're headed. And so if you're inside of the High Value Man Project and our system for living, then the 3XC Identity Compass is exactly this inside of clarity knowing who you are is about your values, but your strengths, your weaknesses, your passions and your commitments like if you use

19:23 What's it bloody called? Superhero Matrix. If you're using the superhero matrix, you'll see those four boxes and when you complete them... It amazes me when I go through this exercise with men, when they look at this so you've got a box that has your values like honesty fun courage family fun and adventure like their values right So you put that in the middle there, and then you go around the other four boxes which is your strengths. That's the things that you're good at, things that you enjoy. Weaknesses areas topics that you don't enjoy, that you find difficult. That doesn't mean like going to study them it probably means find other people to support you with them delegate them away and then your passions and your commitments these can overlap and it's actually quite good

20:20 Your children can be a commitment, clearly because you've got to feed and support them. But they could also be your passion like you live to see them thrive. You get deep joy out of seeing them score goal or dance across the stage so when I work through the superhero matrix with men and then you say to them, do you recognize this person? They're like yes. That's bloody me! That's that's the man i want to be okay good are you being that right now probably not then you get a pinch point then you get the frustration and the sense of being dragged down by the experience in life rather than um yeah you know catapulted forward a launch pad And then next up is really who... what you want

21:11 So often when I speak to men and ask them, what do you want? They start running off a list of things that they don't want because they're the areas of frustrations. They are the things that they've not got a voice over. They're so top-of-mind, they just come out instead of oh, I want this, I want this, I want this like Oh man! I need this to stop. I need that change. I want this to be different And that's the problem. When you leave these thoughts festering and rattling around inside of you, they become all you focus on. They replace all positive direction and momentum with this constant thought of how am I going to fix this? How am I going to fix this? The answer, the solution is being really clear about who you are and where your head is what you want

22:01 So that you can then go into that conversation and rather than it be, you this, you that. You come from I am looking to create a life like this. I'm looking for our relationship to be more like this. What can I do to create this with us? For us? It comes from a position of strength rather than oh! You need to do this and you need to change otherwise Which is weak and moany, and lacks really any masculine energy. It's not about being alpha male like six pack and flex and red pill do what I say or else but it is about leading with confidence

22:42 And if you've not sat down and thought about like what do you want, there isn't really any magical trick to doing it. It's simply a case of drawing out the seven areas of your life like home work yourself your relationship your children your adventure fun and family You can put home in there as a separate one if you want, but when you spider that out into like a mind map or we call it the high value man blueprint then you just put off of it all the things that you want. What do you want your relationship to be like? What do you wanna do with your kids? What are your finances to be like? What do you want your home to be like? Where do you wanna go on holiday? What do you want experience of life to be and then that's what you're pushing towards That's what lights you up! That's why excites you

23:31 And then as far as being able to talk about it, which I have just touched on quite a bit actually. But the conversation comes from a baseline of responsibility. It comes from the position of I rather than you if you've read any anger management books and i have read quite a few because there was a time in my life where has been put labelled suggested to me that I got an anger problem that And in those situations, yeah there were arguments. There might have been shouting. There was like stuff I had to work through but what i've come to learn about myself and this whole experience and managing emotions is that most anger comes from a deep level of frustration and even resentment. A stuckness about a certain subject or scenario

24:25 Where it's not that the outburst is some out of control monster. It's a deep sense of frustration in yourself, that you're not moving things forward, that you're not saying what needs to be said So if you want to manage your anger and channel your emotions in a better way have a look where you feel stuck and frustrated and resentful When you can start to address those, when you can get clear on what those are and then go and have the conversations with people that need to be...that you need to speak to. You will find yourself at peace with less stress and toxic energy. You will find your emotions managed like 101 anger counselling there for you And then how do you have these conversations?

25:25 If you've accessed the High Value Man Relationship Reset, that tool, that conversation holds within it some clear instructions on how to have a positive proactive conversation with your wife or significant other. It's a structure which is actually less about conversation and more about listening So when you take a conversation to someone, you've got to realise that if you're coming at it from I'm going to talk about this and then you need to listen. You've gotta fix this or you gotta change then the energy coming into that is gonna be all wrong The outcome that you desire is not going to be achieved in fact its probably more like an argument And you will be left feeling massively disempowered

26:15 Probably more frustrated and you go back to the top of this conversation where you think, well I wish i'd never brought that up. What was the bloody point in that? We're even worse place right now! This is about you moving the subject forward. I would like to create this. I'm experiencing our relationship like this and that's leading me to behave and feel like this. I've realised now how that might be for you But I can't, and I would like that to be different. I'd like that to be improved. This is what I want to bring to the table. This is my vision for life. This is where I feel compromised in my values and in my passions and commitments and strengths." Now when the person responds it's not your job to defend yourself... And ideally if you set this up right then what you're going to hope is that they're not going to react and jump down your throat but ultimately you can't do anything about that or at least

27:21 At least what? You've got no control of how someone else is going to react, basically. But how you are in the moment does make the difference. You're creating their response so if you're all frustrated and anxious and tense and ready for a fight then you're probably gonna get that back. Active listening when they're speaking to you it's your job to get their experience So if you say something and they come back at you with a whole load of nanananana Then somewhere amongst that is how they're truly feeling. It is what it's like for them to be in the seat opposite you and rather than react to that and trying to defend it, get interested in it! Be like I'm not sure I fully agree with all that but I'm really interested to hear what it's like for you. I'm really interested to see if there's a different way. Oh! And suddenly you disarm them because when they say

28:23 Assuming they've had the guts and the confidence to say it, that they're going to be expecting you to disagree and throw it back at them. They're ready for the fight because perhaps that's what you've always brought to table before or maybe you've never spoken about this but you've been festering on this for such a while but haven't really been a nice person and they didn't know why so It's a practice of active listening, like truly hearing their words. Noticing their body, listening for their emotion that's when you can find insights That's where you can see what you could take responsibility for and what you could do differently

28:59 Please let me stress in this moment, this is not about you falling on your sword and taking all this on the chin. It's not like oh you've done something wrong, you're at fault so guess what? You got to suffer and fix it! That's not what it's about. It's about leading in the conversation we started this episode by calling it Speak Confidently Find Your Voice Before It Drags You Down This Is What It's All About In terms of the high value man process, it's very much this clarity sub point there and everything else we've been talking about sits inside of courage. Having the ability and freedom to speak your voice, show up as your true self and create a situation like be the person that brings about change

29:50 And then the third C in the 3XC is commitment. And that's where, based on this conversation, based on this fresh start, based on what I said I wanted us to create... This is what I'm going to do differently! This is how I'm going to show up! This is what I'm inviting you to be part of! That's the commitment. That's where you get to create And this is so, so important because the difference... The alternative is that you stay stuck in this subject. This is what men do! Oh I'm just going to get my head down and keep going forwards. I'm gonna hope that it comes good. I'm gonna hope that it works itself out. It doesn't or you spend so long in the problem that when it does actually work itself out, the man you are at the end of it is a shell

30:41 is a shitty half-cut version of the man that you can or could and should have been. The toxic impact of struggling and suffering is huge, how you age, your energy for life the fun experiences in the connection and joy and intimacy that you've missed out on through that period where you were struggling to get through something wouldn't it be better If you took the high value route and said, I'm not prepared to waste this time on earth. To waste this experience of being alive to suffer these topics simply because i'm not talking about it Simply because they didn't have the bollocks to look at what I could be responsible for and bring it to you in a way that's going to create difference That's the essence of being a high-value man That's the essence of leading your life for your family In your business For your children

31:41 Being the kind of guy that your friends and family can't wait to be around, who lights up a room whether you're at the front of the room as the most charismatic extroverted person or at the back of the room. The most confident humble introvert who although it's not easy actually loves talking and getting connected to people somewhere both ends of that spectrum and everything in between is where you're at you get to decide But you do it from the place of winning, from the place of being in the best version of yourself so that you can be more for others. It doesn't work the other way around. So where'd you need to speak up? What is the subject? What is a topic? What is an area where you feel stuck and you haven't been addressing it with the full power that you could bring to it? I know that you already know what you've got to go out now and do is address it put into practice what we've talked about today

32:42 And go and speak to that person. And if you want guidance and support on that, well it could be with a one-on-one power call for now or it could even be of course inside the High Value Man project in the Inner Circle, in The 8 Week Accelerator or in Elite One On One work with me Go and get yourself involved via the highvaluemanproject.com forward slash group that will get you into Basecamp, that'll open up all levels of dialogue and if you can't be asked to do that then just look for Jonnie Jensen on all the socials and we will get you started! It's been my absolute pleasure to have you here with me share this with other men in your life introduce them to The High Value Man Project and I will see you next week let's go

33:35 Thanks for tuning in to The Jonnie Jensen Show. Be sure to subscribe, leave a review and share it with fellow dads! Creating the life you deserve starts with YOU. Get your High Value Man blueprint and join our community of motivated modern dads at highvaluemanproject.com Let's go