Being A Step Dad - Are You Getting It Wrong?

00:00 Being a stepdad is nothing like being a biological dad. And the longer you take to realize that, the harder your relationship with those children is going to be. I just got off a high value man project call about step parenting and I wanted to share it with you straight away. Roll theme. Welcome to the Johnny Jensen show, where modern dads discover how to create the true riches, relationships, and results they deserve. Get your high value man blueprint and join our community at highvalue manproject.com.

00:38 Let's go. Hello, man. Welcome to the Johnny Jensen show. We are here representing men across the world, dads, predominantly midlife dads, dads who are creating the life they desire at home as well as work and fighting through those struggles and strains, not because we don't know what we're doing. We know what we want. The frustration comes from actually making it happen and the upset that comes from that, the arguments that come from that, the strained relationships. It comes from knowing what we want to create and feeling the frustration of not actually being able to make it happen. Feeling like no matter how hard we try, the more it kind of runs through our fingers like sand in an hour class.

01:22 And step parenting is exactly one of those subjects. And I want to share it with you today, bringing you some of my experiences on a personal basis and some of what I coach men inside the High Value Man Project around this subject. Am I the guru? No. Have I read plenty on the subject? Yes. Have I been a step parent? Yes. Have I been a step son? Yes, I have. So I do think that I speak from quite a lot of learned as well as real life experience on this subject. You might have your own views. And some of what I share with you might even challenge you. You might disagree entirely. If you have successfully navigated this and you've done it in a different way, then kudos to you.

02:07 There are many different ways to skin a cat, apparently, and there are many different ways to be a step parent. But what I'm going to share with you today is truly what I believe is a, I want to say right path there, but it's a good path. It's a path that I believe works. And it's a path that I want to encourage you to consider because actually it's not really about the kid. It's about you. The high value man scorecard is where I want to send you as part of this whole process. Okay. It's a two minute set of questions. There's about 10 of them. They're all kind of yes, no, one out of 10 questions. And it will give you a score across the four key areas of your life that we call focus, that's you.

02:48 Impact, that's your money and business and community. Relationships, of course, that's all the relationships, your wife, your children, your friends, your family, the mentors and network, like that whole diamond alliance. And then the fourth area, E for energy, is the amount of fun, adventure, and peace you're having in your life. So when you take the high value man scorecard, you will get a score across those four areas and it will help you see where you're leaking your energy, drive and joy. And then you'll get an almost instant response thanks to our high value man AI assistants back on that.

03:24 We'll run your answers through our high value man system for living framework and give you some direction on what you could do to really create the life you desire instead of one that you feel stuck in. So highvalue manproject.com forward slash score. That is where you can go to find out your high value man score. Step parenting. So yeah, I've been a step son, right? My mum died when I was nine. My dad got remarried about a year later. I think it might even have been less than that. And at the time, it was flipping mental. You know, it was kind of painted as a, oh, guess what's happening now? Honestly, I barely got over, of course, I'm 52 years old.

04:07 I still haven't got over my mum dying, but I'm at peace with it now, right? But at nine years old, I definitely hadn't got over it. Guess what? Me and Jane are getting married and you're going to have a baby brother. Boom. Right. So that was a curious experience, definitely. As much as your mum dying was a horrific experience, having a stepmom some kind of nine, ten months later was part of it. But credit to that lady. She didn't try to be my mum. I'm pretty sure she didn't really have any intention to be, right? But more to the point, she didn't try to be. Would I have let her? No, I was a pretty feisty nine-year-old and that was before the upset of my mum dying.

04:50 So I would have pushed back on that quite hard. But to the degree that I remember it, because obviously I'm sharing with you how I remembered that as a nine, 10. you know, they got divorced, no surprise, but they got divorced when I was 16. So they were together about six and a half, seven years, right? Oh, same as my marriage. So they call it not so much a seven-year-age, but a seven-year disaster. I can think a few things I can particularly pick out of there. You know, she was there when I bought my first Walkman, you know, like I got given it as a birthday thing and I didn't have any tapes. Remember back in the day, cassettes? And I remember being at the airport and obviously there wasn't the best selection of cassettes there at the airport.

05:35 She helped me pick out and she said, buy this David Bowie one, okay? And so there we go. One of my first musical influences was her encouraging me, like looking around this carousel of cassettes at the airport, which one to choose and what kind of music did I like. And so there was parts of her that she shared with me in terms of guiding me and encouraging me. And clearly she wasn't that maternal in other areas, but she definitely did her best, right? I think that's all I can say. And then fast forward to me being, how old was I?

06:18 36, I think. When Deb and I met, I was 36. Now, she's got a son. Great kid. Name's Archie. And he came into my life, I think actually on his sixth birthday. I remember the day I met him. And I'm pretty sure it was actually his sixth or seventh birthday. And Deb and I hadn't actually been together that long. Now, his dad wasn't really around so much. And so it wasn't like there was a dynamic to which I will talk about and share there about what a stepdad coming into a situation where the other dad is still present, right? There's a important dynamic there.

07:01 It's important not to try and take the place of a parent, whether they're alive or dead, whether they're not seeing them or seeing them, right? Again, that's a point we'll come on to. But what was important to me was that he understood that I loved him like I loved his mum, right? And I wanted to create the space for us to have a solid relationship that wasn't based around me and him working things like I'm going to work out if I like you or not, right? Okay. So I guess I'm meandering into my five points here. Actually, there's six points.

07:39 But I think I'll start by saying that a step-parent relationship is a wonderful opportunity to make a difference in another person's life. And it can't be taken for granted. It can't be underestimated. In many ways, it's actually harder to be a step-parent than it is to be a biological parent. And you have to realize that going into it. You can't underestimate what it's going to take to nail that job. It's going to be hard enough being married to someone and having your own life and your own home and your own family, which I dare say you're probably going to have kids coming along yourself. But taking on that responsibility of being a stepdad is

08:22 huge. And you've got to realize that and you've got to put the energy in and you've got to put the effort in. And that's what we're going to talk about and go through these points. Okay. I try and do this so that when I talk about what's going to happen in the podcast, you've got a clear idea of whether you want to listen to it. Now, you might be thinking, I'm not going to, you probably, I should have said this earlier. If you're not a stepdad or you've got no expectations of ever becoming one, you might be looking to tune out here. But there's a lot to be learned in this episode about being a dad. There's a lot to be learned in this episode about your relationship. There's also stuff about being a role model, about the impact you can make in other young people's lives, whether you're a step parent or a coach or a scout master or whatever it is, wherever your life crosses that of young people's, you get the opportunity to be some of

09:15 these things. So I hope you take it on board as that. Number one, right? Your role is earned, not given, right? These kids, they don't need to love you. They don't need to respect you. They don't need to have any feelings towards you at all. And yet here you are in their life. It is a relationship built over time. I think too often you see step parents or even like when you start to date someone who's already got kids, you sort of turn up with your own expectations about, oh, right, I need to be a father figure now. Okay. And you bring that to the table. Well, they don't. They don't need that. They didn't ask for it.

09:52 They might not even want it. they might start to appreciate it over time they might start to recognize what a contribution to their life that you are over time and that is your reward for being the kind of person to them that you want to be and if you can't be clear about the kind of person that you want to be to your stepchild then you probably shouldn't be in their lives and that goes back to the point I just almost touched on before about you know choosing them at the same time that you choose their mum but you can't fall in love with their mum and then hope to fall in love with them somewhere down the line because that's the wrong energy that's the wrong balance to bring into into the relationship from from the start the way that you have your

10:45 wife your partner be at peace and relaxed about it is by reassuring them i'm not going to try and replace their parent i'm not going to try and bring about my rules and regulations on them um i'm going to love them like i love you but i'm not going to just wheel that out on day one you know i want i want them to feel comfortable around me that is a baseline that you have to set and keep coming back to because you're going to be tested over and over again number two which i have kind of referenced already going all in or not at all

11:22 like if there's any part of you and i have seen this before people ending up in relationships where children are involved and then saying well i didn't really want to be a parent or oh i'm not their dad so that's that's nothing to do with me like no not at all you nobody who has children at whatever point in their life wherever they have influence over young people that is a responsibility you have to take on consciously and if you have any doubts about whether you can do that then don't and if you're in a relationship and you didn't realize that to start with then i feel

12:02 for you because now you're in a position where you're at risk of of letting that kid down of letting that person down and they're going to carry that through with them across their life so give me a call about that right i'm not going to try and dig into that topic in in the in the relationship but but what i will say actually is is be upfront about it not to them of course but to your partner to the people around you to the people that you can count on like to your mentors and network like what what what what do you think about this what do you think i can do about this what do you know about being a dad that i might be able to see some value in of course being a dad is a flipping amazing job it's a it's a blessing it's it's a huge privilege so if you're questioning your commitment about being a parent the kids will know first and foremost which is going to make that subject even harder

12:55 and get some additional support about how you how you're going to do it how you're going to address him okay my brain is lighting up literally so many subjects i can say on this so so bear with me because i'm kind of riffing today's episode because it because it matters to me because i just finished uh a 45 minute conversation with someone that was quite unexpected uh but it came about through uh through through the fact that it's bank holiday monday here in the uk and uh and i just was saying can i can i move our our call on monday and uh and so yes i wanted to share this with you number three okay their dad is their dad full stop whether he's a good guy or a difficult guy whether he's alive or

13:35 whether he's dead like like your job is to really respect him you don't and i and that can be challenging for people because the dad might not be a good guy right he might have been a horrible to the woman that you now love but as far as you and your stepkid go you have to tread carefully with the amount of respect that you show towards their parent now they could be a bit of a dick and that might be obvious to everybody in the conversation but don't be bad mouthing their dad because it's not necessary okay what you really want to do is empathize with them about what

14:15 that's like let them know that you can see that it must be difficult having a dad that doesn't show up or a dad that's late or a dad that's not there for them like you would want them to be and then you can offer that to them look i'm not trying to replace your dad but this is what this is kind of my deal to you this is how i want to show up for you so you're not trying to compete you're not trying to buy their love and if the dad's around then it's really important that to a degree he knows this i'm an advocate for people meeting their ex-wife's ex partner because to some degree he's going to be playing a part in your kid's life now if you think him and he's this and he's that then then that relationship is going to be strained right and that might be how he's thinking about you okay building some kind of connection it doesn't have you don't have to be bosom buddies right but but over

15:11 and over again good guys people that are committed to their kids thriving their stepkids thriving or maybe that's your maybe it's your biological kids and now your ex has got a partner and now your kids are spending time with him okay you want to meet up with him so you can understand where he's at where he's coming from and you can impart some of what I'm sharing to him as listen I would really like it if you could take on this outlook if if you're going to be in my kids life great if you're a good guy then I'm kind of happy for that but can we please agree some kind of ground rules on how this is going to go that's how you earn each other's respect that's how we can be men in

15:51 this subject men who are making a difference in our kids lives and the whole blended family topic right it's tricky it's pinching on so much of what we held precious and true like the idea that someone else is going to come into their life and he might call them dad like no way over my dead body well guess what little kids particularly if they've got brothers and sisters in in the mix if everybody else is calling that person dad and they don't want to be left out they might naturally start calling him daddy tom or or even just dad not out of

16:31 a a dislike or a letting go of you but just so that their life is slightly easier so their emotional compass is slightly more settled so that they fit in rather than you putting your foot down and being like this isn't happening lean into it and start to understand it and be like well look how about you call him daddy tom and i'll just be daddy how does that work okay dad cool think what a relief that is for your kid to hear that when you share that with them i guess this is another whole opposite whole episode isn't it about like what to do if if your partners if your ex has got a new partner that's probably another whole

17:10 episode but but bear with me you know excuse me as i as i share some of these things because they are so important okay and so if you are that step parent then consider what that's like as well consider what kind of hostility and what what what anxiety you could be creating for their biological parent on the other side what can you do to balance that out and have it feel good feel good for them feel good for the kid and ultimately if you're the ringmaster in all that then you get to be the high value man you get to be the guy that's like in control of the conversation not dominating and in control but being able

17:50 to like have an influence over the way that people see you and see the relationship and and see how the children are reacting to it so powerful to take that place in it all number four don't try and be the primary parent this is such an easy mistake because we're men right we're the father figure it's our house they're my rules it's this way or the highway like you know and if your kids are of a similar age to their kids this can be even harder because if you're having to parent your 16 year old in a particular way and they've got a 15 year old or a 17 year old who's behaving slightly contrary to those values then

18:30 very difficult but it's not for you to have it out with them about that it's for you to have it out with your wife about that your new partner about that because when you try and be the primary parent there isn't there isn't the agreement there for you to be that right and that might be conscious or subconscious it might have been stated or it might have been assumed but there isn't the emotional tie there isn't the I'm using the word agreement like it's something you shook hands on but it's it's it's like a boundary between people when it's when it is biological it's an unconditional love it's a it's a right to say no you're not going to do that why because I love you and I need you to trust me on this that's another whole conversation about how we parent our kids and

19:20 instill our values and rules but when it's a stepchild you don't have the domain to really enforce how they view view the world and when you try you will undermine your trust you will undermine your relationship when you enforce it when you shout when you have arguments about the thing the kid might be unaware that they're even testing you in that way They might just be doing what any teenager kid does. But it's unlikely that it's deeply personal and against you. The time at which it gets deeply personal and against you is if you're having arguments with their mum, if they're seeing you and her having a bad relationship and they're trying to defend her.

20:02 Or if through trying to enforce your ways, you've had multiple arguments with them, come not necessarily to blows, but come to shouting matches and go to your room and you're grounded. It doesn't work. It won't go well. What you'll end up doing is creating increased tension, increased divide, greater levels of hostility. So that the very, you know, the thing that you think, well, next time they'll know better. No, they won't. More than likely, next time they'll do it worse. So they need to see that their mum is the one that's bringing this. No, you can't do that. No, this isn't all right. I'm not going to let you go to war with him about this.

20:46 This is between me and you. And if your ex has got slightly different feelings about certain things, about parenting, about values, then that's a bigger issue. You probably should have addressed that on day one, really, before you met the kids. And if you've got your kids of your own and you're kind of letting them do different things, or your kids are allowed to do certain things with their mum that when they get to you are completely contrary to what you're trying to instill in your stepchild and the other side of the family, really very difficult. But this is where being a step parent is nothing like being a parent. You're going to have to pick your battles and not sweat the small stuff, which is point number five.

21:30 The things you thought you were going to be able to make a stand over, the things that you thought you were going to double down on, when you become a step parent or when you've got a blended family, you're going to have to let a lot more stuff go than you thought you would ever want to let go. You're going to have to talk about things in a way that's much more out in the open, much more mature and reflective and considerate on where everybody's at. That's on you for getting divorced the first time. That's on you for having kids with someone that you're not with now. You can't take it out on your kids like they're going to learn this, they're going to find this out, they're going to know this or else. No, you're divorced. You created a situation where they've got two homes and two different sets of rules.

22:15 So you're going to have to give a little and see what it's like for them being in the middle of all this and trust in your ability to instill values, to instill boundaries that they are willing to respect and consider rather than they're forced to respect and consider. And the positives of this are, right, that the way we parent becomes, I think, more gracious, more considered. And how this passes back down to your kids has to kind of, I'm thinking about snowballs, right? The snowball effect as it rolls down the hill and it picks up more snow and gets bigger and bigger, right?

22:56 Is your kids are likely going to be more emotionally resolute and mature and resilient as a result of all this. And your job as a step parent is to help your stepchild grow and develop as a better human being, a better human being for having you in their life. My daughter, Joe and I have been together five and a half years now. And my daughter had a conversation with me, I don't know how many years ago, a couple of years ago now, and she said to me, I don't know how to say this. And I'm like, oh, no, go on then. What's like thinking it was going to be something really big?

23:35 And she says, well, I don't want to upset mum. And I was like, okay, well, what is it? She's like, well, I really like Joe. And I don't want mum to be upset about it. And then she went sort of went on to say, let's go as far as saying, she's like my second mum. Do you think that's okay? Am I allowed to feel that way about her? Now, Joe had been conscious of this and had, and we'd done all the things that I'm sharing with you here in terms of meeting the kids and being part of their life and not doing it on day one and only introducing them to her when we really knew we were committed and sticking together for the foreseeable future.

24:16 And then it being easy breezy, not, hi, this is Joe. She's going to be your stepmom. Like, no, no, like, A, she's not going to be that. But B, yeah, she is going to be my long-term partner. She's going to be my girlfriend. So there will be times where she sticks up for me, you know, and sometimes she has said, like, guys, you can't, don't talk to your dad like that. That's not not. not really fair like you know backing me up though rather than being the enforcer and that is the important thing to realize backing you know backing the biological parent up rather than being the enforcer because you're maintaining then the trust and respect of them as the step parent

24:59 that earned trust and respect the fact that you they know you're there for them but you're not trying to force them to be something or send them to their room like they're just not going to appreciate that and the relationship and the trust with you will be lost and just on this point about blended families okay and i don't know what i want i want to add one final thing to not sweat in the to don't sweat the small stuff okay i have an expression i use in many different scenarios which is relationship before results and your relationship with your stepchild is is paramount and so

25:37 thinking that you're going to force this punishment on them or or make them go and do something they don't want to do because you're trying to help them become a better adult you're trying to help them realize this is the way that you need to be to become a good person as hard as it might be to hear that's not your responsibility if they don't turn out all right it won't be because of you like in terms of what you didn't do enough of but if you try and force and row and argue and demand from them stuff then the amount of resistance that you're going to feel back the tension it's going to put on your relationship the attitude they're going to have towards any of your new kids or you know it's all going to be shit

26:24 and so relationship before results don't sweat the small stuff pick your battles these are important mantras for you to take on board and then finally into this point six the blended dynamic of having maybe your kids her kids so you've got two sets of stepkids then then maybe you go and have a child yourself and so now you've got a biological child this is a flipping it's a soup it's a family soup and who you have to be to be able to manage that is next level it's not standard dad stuff you can't bring your outlook and attitude of what you thought being a dad was going to be like to the table because it won't work the dynamics of this are so

27:11 much greater there's so many more pieces uh you know in play and the way that you master that is to be the truest version of yourself being confident and and consistent being being resolute in your own ability to have these kids turn out great because you're going to be a great role model it's not going to be that you're going to force and punish and control and taking on the job as a role model is something that not everyone's considered not really worked out what that means but i can tell you as part of the high value man principles as part of our system for living it's about being truly connected with who you are and what you want what you stand for having a clear why

28:00 the why in this situation will be about how those kids turn out and it and if you try and force it it's not going to happen but if you do it by being a strong role model by knowing that they can talk to you by having their back in tricky situations by having your wife's back in tricky situations by realizing when it is time for you to step back because once you know if if you mess it up it's really easy to mess it up to to whatever degree i feel comfortable talking about this i don't actually see or hear from my stepson and i'm not really going to say anything anything more than than that but it's a shame right i don't know what i could be to him at this point in his life but through the

28:50 divorce right things he just stopped showing up basically right and that's okay i don't really know what what went on but what i do know is that in the tricky times during our marriage and in my outlook on being his stepdad i did at times take on the role of dad and whilst i don't have any regrets necessarily like anything bad happened i do now look at it and go do you know what some of those things probably didn't matter that much some of those things it probably wasn't my place to say anything you know i could have just winked at him and had a bit of a laugh about it rather than try and um really like oh i need to make i need to do something about this or isn't always going to turn out.

29:35 Things aren't going to turn out well for him. That is for his mum to decide. And you've got to realize when those moments are. And by the way, just finally in this whole blanded family subject, if you do have kids of your own that you're bringing to the table, there's a lot of emotions that go on there between what am I getting? What are they getting? Who does he love more? And what does that mean to me? And if you go on to have a child together with your new partner, with your new wife, then that stepchild has got a lot going on there. They might have gone from being the only child to a second child to the youngest, the one that gets everything to the middle child, the one that feels always left out.

30:18 There's a lot that goes on for children when new children are brought into the mix. It takes something to appreciate and respect that. It takes a bit of self-awareness to look at it, to have quality time with all the children, including your stepchild, to reassure them and to have conversations where they know that you're in their world, like you're interested in what they're up to. You know who their friends are. Again, not trying to parent them, but being available, showing some interest. Take them for a coffee. Have some fun with them. Because when you get it right, when your stepkid is able to say,

30:58 Yeah, my stepdad is a great guy. He really looks out for me. He never tried to get in the way, but he always set me right. That is the win. That's the win for you. I don't care what else you think you're up to or what else you think there is to achieve, but that's the win. That's the job well done. And I want you to think about what your version of that looks like. Write it down. How do you want your stepchild to view you? What's a win? If when they're a parent, how do you want them to take some of the stuff that you've shown them and taught them and added to their set of values so that they pass it on to their kids?

31:37 What is it about you being their stepdad that you want them to pass on to their kids or that they take on as being a dad? That's the win. I feel quite emotional about this, to be honest. I feel impassioned about this because I do know that step relationships, stepchild, step-parent relationships can be quite strange. They can be full of tension and animosity and arguments and fear, even resentment. And that is not the win. If any of this has really hit a chord and it's left you a bit stuck, then by all means, just reach out to me. You can go and find me on the socials, highvalumanproject.com, Johnny Jensen on LinkedIn.

32:16 And my number's all over, my phone number's all over those things. You can WhatsApp me. You can book a power call, highvalumanproject.com forward slash power call. And of course, you can take the scorecard, like really step out on this journey. If you're finding yourself like, how do I be a better man? How do I be a better dad in respect to my family? Then go and get your score. Highvaluemanproject.com/score score. And that'll start you on your journey. If you've got anything out of today, then I would love you to leave me a review. It is a fuel, rocket fuel for the podcast to get more reviews. And quite frankly, I haven't got as many as I would like, particularly given that the podcast is now in its fifth year, episode 182, I believe this is.

32:58 So more reviews is a crime, to be honest. If you've listened to this far in 35 minutes, then you must have got some value. So open up Spotify, go to the Johnny Jensen show, open up Apple Podcasts, go to the Johnny Jensen show. The path to leaving a review is slightly different on each one, but just follow your nose. Spotify, you just click the three dots and it says, you know, comment or leave a review or something like that. Rate this podcast. And the same with the same with Apple Podcasts. It's best to do it on the mobile. And I think, in fact, I think you have to do it on the mobile and share this with other men in your life. There will be men you know who are experiencing some of these challenges.

33:39 There'll be men that you know who maybe not getting this quite as right as they want to be. They might be struggling. Their relationship could be under pressure because they're not getting this right. I want you to share this with them. This is about looking out for the other men in your life. That is high value in itself. When you can be there for other people, when you can share resources with them that help them win, then you're being the high-value man that you deserve to be. Thank you, men, for tuning in, for listening. And I will see you on the next episode of the Johnny Jensen show. Let's go. Welcome to the Johnny Jensen Show, where modern dads discover how to create the true riches, relationships, and results they deserve.

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