Being A Step Dad - Are You Getting It Wrong?

00:00 Being a stepdad is nothing like being a biological dad and the longer you take to realize that, the harder your relationship with those children is going to be. I just got off a High Value Man Project call about stepparenting and wanted to share it with you straight away. Roll theme! Welcome to The Jonnie Jensen Show, where modern dads discover how to create the true riches relationships and results they deserve. Get your High Value Man Blueprint and join our community at highvaluemanproject.com Let's go!

00:39 Hello men, welcome to The Jonnie Jensen Show. We are here representing men across the world, dads predominantly midlife dads who are creating the life they desire at home as well as work and fighting through those struggles and strains not because we don't know what we're doing but because we know what we want. The frustration comes from actually making it happen and the upset that comes from that, the arguments It comes from knowing what we want to create and feeling the frustration of not actually being able to make it happen. Feeling like no matter how hard we try, the more it kind of runs through our fingers like sand in an hourglass. And step parenting is exactly one of those subjects and I want to share it with you today bringing you some of my experiences on a personal basis and some of what

01:33 I'm going to coach men inside the High Value Man Project around this subject. Am I the guru? No! Have I read plenty on the subject? Yes, have a been a step parent? Yes, have I been a step son? Yes, I have. So I do think that I speak from quite a lot of learned as well as real life experience on this subject. You might have your own views and some of what I share with you might even challenge you, you might disagree entirely if you have successfully navigated this and you've done it in a different way then kudos to you There are many different ways to skin a cat apparently, and there are many different ways to be a step parent. But what I'm going to share with you today is truly what I believe is a...I want to say right path there but it's a good path! It's a path that I believe works and it's a path that I want to encourage you to consider because actually it's not really about the kid, it's about YOU

04:00 You know, it was kind of painted as a woo! Guess what's happening now? Honestly I barely got over... Of course I'm 52 years old. I still haven't gotten over my mum dying but i'm at peace with it now right but at nine years old I definitely hadn't gotten over it. Guess what me and Jane are getting married and you're gonna have a baby brother boom all right so that was a curious experience definitely uh as much as your mom dying was a horrific The Jonnie Jensen Show, Jonnie Jensen, High Value Man

04:49 The Jonnie Jensen Show, Jonnie Jensen, High Value Man Score, highvaluemanproject.com Jonnie Jensen, High Value Man The Jonnie Jensen Show, Jonnie Jensen, High Value Man Score, highvaluemanproject.com

05:44 And Then fast forward to me being, how old was I? 36. I think when Deb and I met, I was 36 now she's got a son great kid name is Archie and he came into my life actually on his sixth birthday. I remember the day I met him um, and I'm pretty sure it was actually his sixth or seventh birthday and

06:43 Deb and I hadn't actually been together that long. Now his dad wasn't really around so much, and so it wasn't like there was a dynamic to which I will talk about and share there about what would be a stepdad coming into a situation where the other dad is still present right? There's important dynamic there. It's important not to try and take the place of a parent whether they're alive or dead whether they're not seeing them or seeing them right again that's a point we'll come on too But what I, what was important to me was that he understood the I.

07:22 I think I'll start by saying that a step-parent relationship is a wonderful opportunity to make a difference in another person's life. And it can't be taken for granted, it can't be underestimated. In many ways is actually harder to be a step parent than it is to be a biological parent and you have to realise that going into it. You can't underestimate what its gonna take to nail that job It's gonna be hard enough being married to someone

08:10 And having your own life and your own home and your own family, with dare say you're probably going to have kids coming along yourself. But taking on that responsibility of being a stepdad is huge! You've got to realize that and you gotta put the energy in and you gotta put the effort in. That's what we're gonna talk about and go through these points okay? I try and do this so that when I talk about what's going to happen in the podcast, you've got a clear idea of whether you want to listen to it. Now you might be thinking...I should have said this earlier if you're not a stepdad or you've got no expectations of ever becoming one, you might be looking to tune out here but there's a lot to be learned in this episode about being a dad. There's a lot to learn in this episode about your relationship but

08:54 There's also stuff about being a role model, about the impact you can make in other young people's lives. Whether you're a step-parent or coach or scout master or whatever it is wherever your life crosses that of young people's, you get the opportunity to be some of these things so I hope you take it on board as that. Number one right? Your role is earned not given Right, these kids they don't need to love you. They don't need to respect you. They don't need to have any feelings towards you at all and yet here you are in their life is a relationship built over time I think too often see step parents or even like when you start to date someone who's already got kids you sort of turn up with your own expectations about oh right i need to be your father figure now okay and you bring that to the table well

09:49 They don't, they don't need that. They didn't ask for it. They might not even want it. They might start to appreciate it over time. They might start to recognize what a contribution to their life that you are over time and that is your reward for being the kind of person to them that you want to be and if you can't be clear about the kind of person that you want to be to your stepchild then you probably shouldn't be in their lives And that goes back to the point I just almost touched on before about, you know choosing them at the same time that you choose their mum. You can't fall in love with their mum and then hope to fall in love with them somewhere down the line because that's the wrong energy. That's the wrong balance to bring into the relationship from the start

10:43 The way that you have your wife, your partner be at peace and relaxed about it is by reassuring them. I'm not going to try and replace their parent. I'm not going to try and bring about my rules and regulations on them. Um, I'm gonna love them like I love you but i'm not gonna just wheel that out on day one. And I want...I want them to feel comfortable around me. That A baseline that you have to set and keep coming back to because you're going to be tested over and over again. Number two, which I have kind of referenced already going all in or not at all like if there's any part of you... And I've seen this before people ending up in relationships where children are involved and then saying well I didn't really want to be a parent or oh I'm not their dad so that has nothing to do with me like No! Not at all nobody who has

11:41 Jonnie Jensen, High Value Man And if you didn't realize that to start with, then I feel for you because now you're in a position where you're at risk of letting that kid down and letting that person down. They are going to carry that through with them across their life so Give me a call about that, right? I'm not going to try and dig into that topic in the relationship. But what I will say actually is be upfront about it. Not to them of course but to your partner, to the people around you, to the people that you can count on like to your mentors and network like what do you think about this? What do you think I can do about this? What are you know about being a dad that I might better see some value in?

12:39 Of course, being a dad is a flipping amazing job. It's a blessing it's a huge privilege so if you're questioning your commitment about being a parent The kids will know first and foremost, which is going to make that subject even harder and get some additional support about how you're going to address him. Okay? My brain is lighting up literally so many subjects I can say on this. So bear with me because I'm kind of riffing today's episode because it matters to me cause I just finished a 45 minute conversation with someone that was quite unexpected but it came about through the fact that its Bank Holiday Monday here in the UK

13:18 And I just was saying, can I move our call on Monday? And so yes. So I wanted to share this with you number three okay their dad is their dad full stop Whether he's a good guy or a difficult guy, whether he's alive or whether he's dead. Like your job is to really respect him and that can be challenging for people because the dad might not be a good guy right? He might have been horrible too the woman that you now love but as far as you and your step kid go You have to tread carefully with the amount of respect that you show towards their parent. Now they could be a bit of a dick and that might be obvious to everybody in the conversation, but don't be bad-mouthing their dad because it's not necessary okay? What you really want to do is empathize with them about what that's like

14:16 Let them know that you can see that it must be difficult having a dad that doesn't show up or a dad that's late, or a dad that's not there for them like you would want them to be. And then you can offer that to them. Look I'm not trying to replace your dad but this is what this is kind of my deal to you. This is how I want to show up for you so you're not trying to compete You're not trying to buy their love. And if the dad's around, then it's really important that to a degree he knows this and I'm an advocate for people meeting their ex-wife's partner because to some degree he's going to be playing a part in your kid's life now if you think of him and he's at this and he's that then...then that relationship is gonna be strained right? That might be how he's thinking about you okay

15:06 Jonnie Jensen, High Value Man You want to meet up with him so you can understand where he's at, where he's coming from and you can impart some of what I'm sharing to him as listen. I would really like it if you could take on this outlook if you're going to be in my kid's life great! If you're a good guy then I'm kind of happy for that but can we please agree some kind of ground rules on how this is gonna go? That's how you earn each other's respect that's how we can be men in this subject

15:52 Men who are making a difference in our kids' lives. And the whole blended family topic, right? It's tricky! It's pinching on so much of what we held precious and true like the idea that someone else is going to come into their life and he might call them dad like no way over my dead body well guess what little kids particularly if they've got brothers and sisters in in the mix If everybody else is calling that person dad and they don't want to be left out, they might naturally start calling him daddy Tom or even just dad. Not out of a dislike or letting go of you but just so that their life is slightly easier, so their emotional compasses slightly more settled

16:40 So that they fit in. Rather than you putting your foot down and being like, this isn't happening lean into it and start to understand it and be like well look how about you call him Daddy Tom? And I'll just be daddy How does that work okay dad cool Think what a relief that is for your kid to hear that when you share that with them. I guess this is another whole episode, isn't it? About like what to do if your partner's... If your ex has got a new partner, that's probably another whole episode but bear with me, excuse me as I share some of these things because they are so important!

17:16 Okay. And so if you are that step parent, then consider what that's like as well. Consider what kind of hostility and what anxiety you could be creating for their biological parents on the other side? What can you do to balance that out and have it feel good? Feel good for them, feel good for the kid. And ultimately if you're the ringmaster in all that then you get to be the high value man! You get to be the guy that's like Number four.

18:03 Don't try and be the primary parent. This is such an easy mistake because we're men, right? We're the father figure it's our house they are my rules it's this way or the highway like you know... And if your kids are of a similar age to their kids this can be even harder because if you're having to parent your 16 year old in a particular way And they've got a 15 year old or 17 year old who's behaving slightly contrary to those values, then very difficult. But it's not for you to have it out with them about that is for you to have it out with your wife about that, your new partner about that because when you try and be the primary parent there isn't... There isn't the agreement there for you to be that right? And that might be conscious or subconscious. It might have been stated or it might be assumed

18:53 But there isn't the emotional tie, there isn't the... I'm using the word agreement like it's something you shook hands on but it's like a boundary between people. When it is biological, it's an unconditional love. It's a right to say no, you're not going to do that. Why? Because I love you and I need you to trust me on this. That's another whole conversation about how we parent our kids and instill our values and rules when as a stepchild You don't have the domain to really enforce how they view, view the world. And when you try you will undermine your trust. You will undermine your relationship when you enforce it, when you shout, when you have arguments about the thing. The kid might be unaware that they're even testing you in that way. They might just be doing what any teenager kid does

19:48 But it's unlikely that it is deeply personal and against you. The point at which the time gets deeply personal and against you, if your having arguments with their mum If they're seeing you and her having a bad relationship when they are trying to defend her Or through trying to enforce your ways You've had multiple arguments with them Come not necessarily to blows but come to shouting matches Go to your room when you'r grounded It doesn't work. It won't go well, what you'll end up doing is creating increased tension, increased divide greater levels of hostility so that the very thing that you think will next time they'll know better no they won't more than likely next time they'll do it worse and they need to see their mum is the one bringing this No! You can't do that. This isn't alright

20:42 I'm not going to let you go to war with him about this. This is between me and you, and if your ex has got slightly different feelings about certain things about parenting, about values then that's a bigger issue. You probably should have addressed that on day one really before you met the kids And if you've got kids of your own and you're kind of letting them do different things, or your kids are allowed to do certain things with their mom that when they get to you are completely contrary to what you're trying to instill in the stepchild on the other side of the family. Really very difficult! This is where being a stepparent is nothing like being a parent. You going have to pick your battles and not sweat the small stuff which is point number five

21:30 The things you thought you were going to be able to make a stand over, the things that you thought you were gonna double down on. When you become a step-parent or when you've got a blended family, you're gonna have to let a lot more stuff go than you thought you would ever want to let go You're going to have to talk about things in a way that's much more out in the open, much more mature and reflective and considerate on where everybody is at. That's on you for getting divorced the first time! That's on you for having kids with someone that you're not with now. You can't take it out on your kids like they're gonna learn this, they're gonna find this out, they're gonna know this or else... No! You're divorced

22:10 You created a situation where they've got two homes and two different sets of rules. So you're going to have to give a little and see what it's like for them being in the middle of all this, and trust in your ability to instill values, to instil boundaries that they are willing to respect and consider rather than their forced to respect and consider. And the positives of this are right? That the way we parent Becomes, I think more gracious. More considered and how this passes back down to your kids has to kind of...I'm thinking about snowballs right? The snowball effect as it rolls down the hill and it picks up more snow and gets bigger and bigger right is your kids are likely going to be more emotionally resolute and mature and resilient as a result of all this

23:07 And your job as a step-parent is to help your stepchild grow and develop as a better human being. A better human being for having you in their life My daughter, Jo and I have been together five and a half years now. And my daughter had a conversation with me, I don't know how many years ago, couple of years ago now like... but she said to me, I don't know how to say this tonight or not go on then what's what? Like thinking it was gonna be something really big. And she says well, I don't want upset mum and I was like okay Well is it just that will really like joe like I'd like I don't want mom to be upset about it

23:46 And then she went, sort of went on to say as go as far saying she's like my second mom. Do you think that's okay? Am I allowed to feel that way about her now? Joe had been conscious of this and had... and we've done all the things that I'm sharing with you here in terms of meeting the kids and being part of their life and not doing it on day one and only introducing them to when we really knew we were committed and sticking together for the foreseeable future And then it being easy breezy, not hi this is Jo she's going to be your step mom. Like no like A she's not going to be that but B yeah she is gonna be my long-term partner, she can be my girlfriend so there will be times where she sticks up for me you know and sometimes she has said like guys don't talk to your dad like that that's not really fair

24:41 You know, backing me up though rather than being the enforcer. And that is the important thing to realize backing you know backing the biological parent up rather than being the enforcer because you're maintaining then the trust and respect of them as the step-parent that earned trust and respect The fact that they know you're there for them, but you're not trying to force them to be something or send them to their room. Like it's just not going to appreciate that and the relationship and the trust with you will be lost. And just on this point about blended families okay? I want to add one final thing to don't sweat into small stuff okay? I have an expression I use in many different scenarios which is relationship before results

25:31 And your relationship with your stepchild is paramount. And so thinking that you're going to force this punishment on them or make them go and do something they don't want to do because you're trying to help them become a better adult, you're trying to help them realize this is the way that you need to be to become a good person as hard as it might be to hear, that's not your responsibility. If they don't turn out all right, it won't be because of you like in terms of what you didn't do enough of But if you try and force, and row, and argue, and demand from them stuff. Then the amount of resistance that you're going to feel back, the tension it's going to put on your relationship, the attitude they're gonna have towards any of your new kids or... You know? It's all gonna be shit! And so Relationship Before Results Don't sweat the small stuff Pick Your Battles These are important mantras for you to take on board. An then finally into this point six The Blended Dynamic

26:37 And if you're looking for a podcast that's not just about the It's not standard dad stuff. Can't bring your outlook and attitude of what you thought being a dad was going to be like, to the table because it won't work. The dynamics of this is so much greater there's so many more pieces in play and the way that you master that is to be the truest version of yourself

27:25 Being confident and consistent, being resolute in your own ability to have these kids turn out great because you're going to be a great role model. It's not going to be that you're going to force and punish and control. And taking on the job as a role model is something that not everyone has considered, not really worked out what that means but I can tell you as part of The High Value Man principles, as part of our system for living it's about being truly connected with who you are and what you want, what you stand for having a clear why. The why in this situation will be about how those kids turn out

28:05 And if you try and force it, it's not going to happen. But if you do it by being a strong role model, by knowing that they can talk to you, by having their back in tricky situations, by having your wife's back in tricky situations, by realizing when it is time for you to step back because once... You know, If you mess it up, It s really easy to mess it up. To whatever degree I feel comfortable talking about this, I don't actually see or hear from my stepson I'm not really going to say anything, anything more than that. But it's a shame right? I don't know what I could be to him at this point in his life but through the divorce right things he just stopped showing up basically and that's okay. I don't really know what went on but what I do know is that in the tricky times during our marriage and in my outlook on being his stepdad, I did

29:06 At times take on the role of dad. And whilst I don't have any regrets necessary, like anything bad happened, I do now look at it and go, you know what? Some of those things probably didn't matter that much. Some of those things it probably wasn't my place to say anything. You know, I could've just winked at him and had a bit of a laugh about it rather than try and really like, Oh, I need to make, uh, I need to do something about this or he's always going to turn out as things aren't gonna turn out well for him. And if you're a parent, and your child is in the middle of something that's not their fault. You've got to be able to say, I'm sorry, but this isn't my fault. This is my fault because he didn't do it on purpose or his mother did it on purpose. That is for him. He doesn't have any responsibility whatsoever. So when we talk about parents, what are some things that they can do? Well, first of all, there are some things that they can do.

30:06 Stepchild has got a lot going on there. They might've gone from being the only child to second child, to the youngest one that gets everything into the middle child, the one that feels always left out is a lot that goes on for children when new children are brought into the mix it takes something to appreciate and respect that. It takes a bit of self-awareness to look at it, I'm Yeah, my stepdad is a great guy. He really looks out for me. He never tried to get in the way but he always set me right. That is the win! That's the win for you. I don't care what else you think you're up to or what else you think there is to achieve but that's the win. That's the job well done

31:18 And I want you to think about what your version of that looks like. Write it down, how do you want your stepchild to view you? What's a win if when they're a parent, how do you want them to take some of the stuff that you've shown them and taught them and added to their set of values so that they pass it on to their kids? What is it about you being their stepdad that you want them to pass onto their kids or that they take on as being a dad? That's the win! I feel quite emotional about this, to be honest. I feel impassioned about this because I do know that step relationships, step child-step parent relationships can be quite strange. They can be full of tension and animosity and arguments and fear even resentment. And that is not the win.

32:04 If any of this has really hit a chord and it's left you a bit stuck, then by all means just reach out to me. You can go and find me on the socials highvaluemanproject.com, Jonnie Jensen on LinkedIn and my numbers all over... My phone number is all over those things. You can WhatsApp me. You can book a power call HighValueManProject.com forward slash power call And of course you can take the scorecard like really step out in this journey if you're finding yourself like how do I be better? If you've got anything out of today, then I would love you to leave me a review.

32:44 It is a fuel, rocket fuel for the podcast to get more reviews. And quite frankly I haven't got as many as I would like particularly given that the podcast is now in its fifth year episode 182 I believe this is so more reviews it's a crime to be honest if you've listened to this far in 35 minutes Then you must have got some value. So open up Spotify, go to The Jonnie Jensen Show. Open up Apple Podcasts, go to The Jonnie Jensen Show. You know the path to leaving a review is slightly different on each one but just follow your nose. Spotify...you know you just click the three dots and it says comment or leave a review or something like that rate this podcast and the same with Apple Podcasts It's best to do it on the mobile I think in fact I think you have to do it on the mobile

33:32 And share this with other men in your life. There will be men you know who are experiencing some of these challenges, there'll be men that you know who may not getting this quite as right as they want to be. They might be struggling and their relationship could be under pressure because they're not getting this right I want you to share this with them This is about looking out for the other men in your life. That is high value in itself, when you can be there for other people, when you can share resources with them that help them win and you'll being the high-value man that you deserve to be. Thank you man for tuning in, for listening and I will see you on the next episode of The Jonnie Jensen Show let's go!

34:18 Welcome to The Jonnie Jensen Show, where modern dads discover how to create the true riches relationships and results they deserve. Get your High Value Man Blueprint and join our community at highvaluemanproject.com Let's go!