Ep 15: When your story comes with a feeling of shame or failure

00:54 You're listening to The Business of Stories with Susan Paton. Showing you how to share stories that do the selling in your business, so you don't have too. Victoria Beckham was somebody the whole world already thought they knew She was posh spice The girl who never smiled The pop star who married a footballer Victoria Beckham had fame and fortune but not the respect she wanted She wanted to be taken seriously. She wanted to build a business, a brand, a legacy something that would last beyond the headlines and the gossip columns but the fashion industry didn't want her they didn't believe she belonged when she launched her fashion label the critics were merciless they called it a vanity project They said it would never last every collection was scrutinized every outfit dissected

01:57 And her business was failing, losing tens of millions of pounds. But Victoria never gave up! She stayed composed even though secretly she was terrified she was about to lose everything she'd built trying to become someone new. She kept showing up. She poured herself into her work and she asked for help. She learned. She listened. She refined Sketch after sketch, design after design. Show after show she worked through the exhaustion the doubts the fear and slowly people started to see something in her Her collections became more defined The details sharper The story clearer Little by little the tone began to shift

02:53 The critics who once dismissed her started to notice the detail, the discipline, the vision. And then one Paris runway show changed everything! The industry that once mocked her applauded her. The brand that had been losing money finally began to turn a corner. Years of resilience precision and belief started to pay off Victoria Beckham had rewritten her story. She changed the narrative, not by telling people who she was but by showing them one brave step one bold choice at a time and through sheer grit focus and believing in herself when no-one else did well except her family who always supported her she finally showed people who she'd been all along

03:53 The stories that really connect deeply with people and resonate are rarely stories of how everything went perfectly. In fact, if you look at any storytelling structure or framework out there there's always elements that give the story friction whether that's a conflict, a challenge, a villain... There's always something at stake something to lose When the hero sets off on their journey, there's always dragons to slay. Obstacles to overcome. Demons to face and when you think about the films you love and stories you love The hero is often ill-equipped and ill prepared To deal with those when they start out on their journey And that quest they go on to get the thing they want or they think they want

04:43 is often more about the internal journey of who they need to be to have what they want, to get what they want. Because that's what life looks like! It's rocky it's bumpy it's unpredictable...it can be challenging it can be hard and sometimes it can feel like you're failing Like you're not good enough Like you're just not cut out for it You haven't got what it takes But if anything is going to get you through those feelings, those tough times, those hard experiences, those challenges it's hearing the stories of other people who have faced and overcome thos same kind of challenges. The stories of how others have climbed that mountain that looks impossible to you can help you see that it IS possible and start to believe that you can do it!

05:44 But imagine if no one shared those stories. Imagine if no one talked about the failures, imagine if no one admitted that not everything went the way they wanted it to go? Then we wouldn't have those stories to help us and inspire us and motivate us and show us what is possible for us! Whenever I've shared stories about times in my life that have been hard or challenging, people have messaged me and thanked me and told me that my being so honest has helped them more than I'll ever know. When i shared the story of losing everything in 2009 after the property market crash, I was blown away by how many people messaged me and told me they'd been through something very very similar from people I knew quite well

06:38 I had no idea they'd been through the same, but me sharing my experience gave them the opportunity to talk about their experience and to realise that they're not the only one. And they don't have to feel shame or that they need to hide that story. I loved the way Victoria Beckham shared her story in her recent Netflix documentary She was so honest she was real she admitted she was failing She admitted she was scared. She admitted there were times she didn't know what she was doing and had to ask for help, but in doing so, she also showed that it's okay to be honest about that And I've seen so many people commenting on social media about how that documentary has really changed the way they see her How they have newfound respect for her

07:35 How they really admire her tenacity and resilience, and how she kept going even when it felt like everybody was against her. And nobody in our industry wanted her to succeed I have huge admiration for her She deserves all the success she's now enjoying! And i love that she is prepared to tell it like it is – not sugar coat any of it But admit that she was very, very close to losing everything and her husband had to bail her out more than once. I know that there are people listening to this podcast who have a story that comes with feelings of shame or embarrassment or failure. I know because i've worked through it with clients and i've had questions about it here's one of those questions

08:27 Hello Susan, I'm Barbara Carlisle from Glee Coaching and i have a question for you. The question I have about storytelling is that what do you do if you really can't share some of your personal story because it comes with the feeling of shame and failure? If you could answer that for me that'd be brilliant thanks a lot Susan Thank You Barbara! I appreciate the question and I want you to know its'a very common one so you're definitely not alone A lot of us have chapters of our life that weren't great and we wish things had gone differently. But I also know the power that comes from actually leaning into those stories, and pulling out the gold from them because there is always gold in there! Whether it was a financial disaster, a business gone under or venture that went wrong

09:19 A health issue, a relationship breakdown, a rejection or any kind of perceived failure. You will have learnt so much from that experience but the challenge can be knowing how to share it or what you should share what's okay to share? Or how to share in a way that doesn't bring up old feelings of embarrassment or shame Or, as I had a client say to me recently... And I get it. But let me stress something first You never ever have to share anything you're not ready to share. You never have to share anything you don't want to share Storytelling is not about ripping open wounds and reliving the most painful chapters of your life It's not about sharing your deepest darkest secrets

10:16 Storytelling is about connection and the easiest way to check in with whether or not you should share your story, and whether it's going to connect is getting clear on the intention behind sharing the story. You need to know why you're sharing it It needs to have a purpose. You need to know how to make it relatable to others So what is it about your story that you want to share? Maybe it's how those parts of your story that feel wrapped in shame or failure are often the parts that have shaped you the most. Maybe they've given you grit, resilience and clarity. Maybe they've fuelled your mission? Also what do you need to share for people to get what YOU want them to get from your story?

11:11 They don't need to know all the details of what happened to you. You get to decide how much or how little of your story you share, it's yours to share maybe right now it's 2%, maybe one day it'll be 20%. It doesn't ever have to be 100%! You might just want to share the moment you realised something had to change... Or that you'd lost sight of what matters…or that you hadn't followed your gut Or that some things like the economy or what the government are doing, or what the property market does are simply out of our control and not something to beat ourselves up about. I talked in one of the earlier episodes about standing on your story rather than in it. Or another saying is share from the scar not the wound! I would never recommend sharing anything that's still very raw or emotional or unresolved

12:12 Better to wait until you've had time to heal and process, so that you can share from a place of clarity and strength. Where you can share what the experience taught you – and the insights you gained! And here's something else to keep in mind… The impact of that chapter of your life... What it taught you? The gift you found in it likely comes through in your work It might have given you strength Shaped your why Deepened your empathy Clarified who you're here to help. And given you the words that resonate on a deep level as you talk to your idol clients about how you thought you were going to lose everything you'd worked so hard to build Your audience doesn't need to know everything, to still benefit from the wisdom and growth that chapter of your life gave you So let's talk about what it could look like if you do want to share your story

13:17 Here's five steps to sharing a story that is inspiring, empowering and purposeful. Step one is to own your story The good and the bad People feel respect for those who take responsibility for their choices and actions and growth Taking ownership might be admitting that you burnt out because you kept trying to please everyone else and didn't take care of yourself Or that you made decisions or choices from fear instead of clarity. A few years ago, a business coach I'd been thinking about working with shared a story about how his first business failed big time! He lost everything including his pride and sadly his marriage It was an extremely tough time in his life but since then he had gone on to build a very successful business

14:14 Based on all the how not to grow a business lessons he'd learnt from his experience. That story made me want to work with him, firstly because I loved his honesty He was really open about it all and that made me feel that he was genuine and that I could trust him To always be honest with me Secondly, I knew he'd get me because I'd lost everything including my home and my dignity. So I strongly resonated with his story and felt connected to him because of it And thirdly, because I wanted to learn those how not to grow a business lessons too Not from someone who read them but from someone who lived through them

14:58 It would have been so easy for him not to share that story, to hide that bit of his journey in case people thought less of him. But owning your story shows others what honest growth looks like and they trust you more because of it. Step 2 is acknowledge the turning point Every powerful story has a turning point That moment that you realised something needed to change, or you asked for help. Or set a boundary. Or tried something new. Or made a decision that changed everything The turning point is empowering because it shows you didn't stay stuck You took action even if it was messy uncertain or imperfect Step 3 is honour the growth The failure is not the story

15:55 Who you became because of what went wrong is where the power is, the transformation. Maybe losing everything forced you to rebuild in a way that felt more aligned and sustainable? I've talked a couple times already on this podcast about suffering from chronic fatigue for years and how it was so tough But how every part of that journey has contributed to me being the person I am today, with the life and business I have today. Honouring your growth reminds you that the struggle wasn't wasted – it shaped your strength, values and way you show up and serve today. Step 4 is share with intention This is key!

16:47 You're not sharing your story to confess, you're sharing it to serve. So ask yourself what does this story give my audience? What insight might it unlock for them? What pressure does it remove? What possibility does it open? If the story gives your audience something hope clarity understanding reassurance It will never feel like a pity party And step five is be the guide. Always, always when you're sharing a story do it from that place of being the guide for your ideal client and if you haven't listened to episode 11 of this podcast it's worth listening to that one because I talk about how to show up as the guide in your customer story and as long as you're playing the role of the guide people are never going to see you as a victim

17:47 They're going to appreciate your honesty and vulnerability. They're going to see you as someone who is strong and resilient, they are going to see you as someone prepared to take ownership and lead... And someone who now helps other people because they want to help others avoid the pain that they went through and move on from it So, sharing stories about chapters in your life where you stumbled, failed doubted yourself or got it wrong can be empowering for you and your audience. When shared from a place of strength when shared with intention when shared through the lens of what it gave you not what it took from you When you tell your stories that way

18:37 People will not pity you. They'll trust you, they'll feel connected to you and they'll see themselves in you which is exactly what storytelling is meant to do I've lost count of the number of people who told me that my story made them reflect on their story or gave them the courage to share their story with others And talking of sharing stories, in the next episode I'm going to talk to someone who has lived through everything i've been talking about today. Jennifer Neal qualified as a coach and then sat on that qualification for six years because things that had happened in the past were stopping her from going out there and being visible again. Her story came with the feeling of shame and failure that we've been talking about today

19:28 And when we were chatting on a call recently, I asked her if she'd be up for sharing her story and talking about how she had to look at her story and try and understand how she could use it or at the very least come to terms with it so that she could move on and build the coaching business. She's been wanting to build for six years! Here is a little clip of that conversation. Well, I was starting on the whole IVF I And I walked away from everything. Absolutely everything! Walked away from my house, I walked away from my business and I found myself in a rented flat with one little dog going what on earth am i doing now? But also a huge amount of shame

20:29 And feeling like failure. How did I not manage to get this sorted? But, I couldn't go back to that old world because I couldn't even show up in networking events. I couldn't do anything because I always felt that they were talking about me you know had i gone mad what had I done you know because I'd literally walked away from absolutely everything So I'm excited to share more of that chat with you next time, as Jen shares how she came back from hiding away and how she found the gold in her story that has allowed her to show up the way she wants to with no shame and build a thriving coaching practice doing the work she loves with the clients she absolutely loves working with.

21:14 So, as always before I go let me give you a quick action step that you can go away and do. Here's your action step for today Looking back at your journey what insight or advice would you love to share with your idol clients? Because here is the thing You've overcome 100% of the challenges you faced to date and learnt so much along the way And hearing what got you through a tough time or how you overcame a challenge will inspire others to move forwards and keep going. I shared a post about changing direction in my 40s, I was 48 to be precise

22:01 and giving up all my celebrity clients and the nice retainers I'd been on for many years to start something new. With no safety net, I've never been very good at putting any kind of safety net in place – I'm far too impulsive! And it actually took me a while to work out what my new direction was It wasn't an easy or straightforward transition…I made mistakes lots of mistakes and cried tears of frustration at times But I kept going. I kept asking questions, I kept talking to people and working out how I could help them. I stayed curious – I noticed what worked and did more of that. I told my story…and realised I was good at helping other business owners tell theirs! I didn't wait until I felt totally ready because I knew I would only ever feel that by doing the work

22:57 The point of my post was you don't have to have all the answers to start. You can start anyway! You don't have to know what the entire journey looks like, you can take the first steps anyway. You don't have to be perfect on day one or on any day – you're more than good enough as you are. It's not too late…you DO know enough...you ARE ready So that was a post I shared awhile ago. An insight from my journey that I knew people would resonate with and that's your action step for today! Looking back at your journey, what insights or advice would you love to share with your ideal client? And i'll see you next time for more stories that do the selling FOR YOU so you don't have too

23:49 Thank you so much for being here. I love that we get to do this together! Would you do me a huge favour and please rate, review and follow this podcast in Apple Spotify or wherever you listen to your podcasts? And i'll see you next time for more honest conversations meaningful connections and of course stories