What Is Love? 7 Reasons Men Get Love Wrong

00:01 What is love, men? It's a big question and so many men get it wrong. It becomes the cause of pain and stress and upset when actually it should be something beautiful that lights us up and gives us absolute strength and joy in our lives. Let's dig into this. Roll theme! Welcome to The Jonnie Jensen Show, where modern dads discover how to create the true riches relationships and results they deserve. Get your High Value Man blueprint and join our community at highvaluemanproject.com Let's go! Hello men welcome to The Jonnie Jensen Show it is great to have you here my name is Jonnie Jensen I am the host... makes sense right?

00:52 Makes a lot of sense. It's called Jonnie Jensen and it is The Jonnie Jensen Show I am the founder and the head coach at The High Value Man Project, And it is like I said absolutely great pleasure to have you here wherever you're tuning in from You might be watching this on the live as we record it or you may even be subscribing on the podcast Wherever you are please be sure to share it with other men in your life and help us spread the word Todays topic is what is love? And it is a big one, really. A couple of different guys inside the High Valley Man Project this week have been bringing the subject of love to the table from two very different directions and one inside of a marriage that I'm going take these glasses off because it's really reflecting

01:39 One inside of a marriage that clearly wasn't working and he stayed in the relationship for far too long. And the other, a guy who'd been through a divorce and has a girlfriend now and she said I love you and it freaked him out which is all OK. It's all okay just two very good examples of how significant we get about this subject called love. And it doesn't need to be that way It's weird and what we're gonna do today is we're going to go through seven reasons that men get this wrong. We're gonna break that down and look at each one of those, and hopefully this will be

02:20 A relief to a lot of men I would like to hope. Now it does not mean that all men get love wrong, but no matter where you're at in terms of your understanding your appreciation your joy of the thing called love this topic called love You may still find yourself vulnerable To a scenario and a classic one which i think is number four or five on the list Is about the idea that The One You know and that's, that is one of the clearest illustrations of how men get this topic called love wrong because there really isn't such thing as the one. There is someone we're in love with there is a time in our life where we are deliriously happy and it's all going in the right direction but that might just be a chapter. How

03:08 Transpires, how that ends and the and the you know the how far men fall when love breaks down is unnecessary. And that is really the important part of this topic is that when when men get taken down by the subject of love it's a waste And it takes us, and I can speak from experience because i did this so many times in my life. It takes us far too long to recover far too long to put ourselves back on track to move forwards from that relationship from that person who stopped loving us or went away died whatever it might be now it doesn't...I'm not here to say that love is bad and you're all idiots for being in love thats no the case at all but

03:58 Come on to say we don't live in a disney movie if this is important thing to bring up the beginning we don't live in a disney movie our perspective on this thing called love has been shaped in install what can twisted ways by culture buy movies bye tv romances good for you know for good and bad reasons. Soap operas are flippin shocking, like how many relationships are. It's a drama you know it requires us to be engaged in the upset and the tension of it all but consider that actually warps your own perspective on love

04:43 In the same way that Disney does, and it's not just Disney but in the same way that fairy tales do. The knight in shining armor who comes and saves the day they fall in love and live happily ever after I mean the story literally ends and they lived happily ever after so we get conditioned to think well if love is taken away from us and that was the thing that was going to allow us to live happily ever after then I must be doomed! If the thing that meant so much to me has now been taken away... That That is not correct. And that is one of the ways and reasons why men get this subject of love so wrong, women they'll have their own version okay? Plenty of women stay in relationships too long plenty of women feel like you know this the one and how could how could the one possibly treat them like this and surely it's going to get better we think the same blokes think the same but it's all bollocks It's all made up

05:40 Love in its purest sense is a joyous experience. It's a fountain of emotions, joy and feelings I'm but it's not only in the area of other people that we find love you will if you stop and think about it now think of your favorite holiday think of your favorite food think of your favorite drink so often we talk about that as oh i love that place all i love. That i love flipping love cheeseburger i love roast dinner on a Sunday. Like we, we've very tuned into what love means to us in other areas of our life but then when it becomes about someone else, we get really significant about it. We wait for the perfect moment or we wait until there's been enough feelings, enough positive states and enough whatever your version of enough is before we can say I love you and like

06:44 Did we need to wait that long? Now, clearly I'm not suggesting that on the second date you start telling someone you love them. That's a bit weird and if someone is doing that to you could consider that something called love bombing which in itself isn't great but the message for today is there are seven reasons men get love wrong and we're going to break those down have a look at them I am getting more and more focused on creating notes and prepping these things that we can go through them clearly rather than having me ramble. So number one, love is a desire not to need like it's it's a feeling not a need when we come from the place of of I need to be in love in order to be happy. I need to be in love in order to be a real man you don't need that at all

07:42 In fact love should be the bonus on top, it should be the cherry on top of your life right. To be complete as yourself is the most important thing right we want love and that is perfectly okay We want to feel in love, we want to feel loved back but we don't need it And when you get stuck with the idea that you need it, then you're very vulnerable to the impact of losing it. Or your very vulnerable to the impacts of a relationship not working out and you fall into pieces because oh my God I need this! You don't need it When you believe you need love, you hand over all your power. You operate from probably a space of desperation and need like it's literally the word need, needy people. It's not good to be in relationship with someone who is needy

08:32 And whether you realize this or not, it starts to show up in your actions. It starts to show up in doing too much like the nice guy syndrome. It starts showing up in arguments over petty things because we're not as in love as before and now oh no! Your clinginess and your silence, people pleasing comes from a fear about losing that thing called love. It stops you speaking up because well, I'm gonna ding dong about this if i now talk about well where is where does it take us what's he going to mean how we're gonna fix it like that subject doesn't go. How i wanted to the number of even more vulnerable to losing his thing so we as men stop speaking up when you stop speaking out thats really

09:22 You know a terrible place to find yourself in a relationship because when you stop speaking up about one thing, you stop speaking enough about all things and slowly the balance inside your relationship will drift away from you. And quite frankly before you know it that starts become a pinch on your confidence and then mental health and it's a downward spiral basically So you have to approach love as a desire, something beautiful. Something that adds to your already full life is like yes I'm creating all this. I'm showing up as this man that i want to be so that I find someone I love and not like so that in order too but just it's inevitable

10:04 It's like this force is like a flower coming up and blooming. It's like who wouldn't want to fall in love with that beautiful flower? Who wouldn't want to bring love into your space so that when love becomes very grounded, positive force it's not like you're waiting for it before you can be complete. It's the bonus on top It then gives you the freedom then to share love much more openly because you're not depending on someone else for you to feel good. Are you with me? So a high value man chooses love from a place of clarity and confidence, as a place of strength because it's the opposite is to need love like a desperation and longing okay so Love is a want not a need. Love is a desire not a need number two

11:04 Love without overthinking and we love our dog, we love our cat. We love flipping Chicago, we love cheeseburgers right like... We can love things without hesitation until it becomes somebody else then we overthink it. We wait for the right moment or they worry they won't say it back or have they said enough do I say here? Do I say there? It just becomes weird! We turn into a calculation When we do that it loses its authenticity, it loses its natural freedom and joy and expression. It loses power quite honestly love doesn't need to be a huge cinematic thing right this is particularly evident in relationships

11:57 Deciding when you've experienced enough in order to be in love or thinking, well if I love them. If I say I love them and then they don't say it back. Or if I say I love them and that's going to mean this and then it gets really serious. And if it gets really serious, I'm not sure if I want that but what your missing out on is if you really do love hanging out with that person. If you really do love going on dates and ending up back at theirs having great sex like...if you love that As an expression, I flipping love being with you. You're an incredible person like you can start to play with it and also if your setting the foundations for a healthy relationship then you get that person know that's where your at. The kind of person i am. I want this to be enjoyable experience. I don't know how long its gonna last. I dont'know where is going take us maybe forever maybe a wonderful 12 weeks

12:54 When you start to share with someone the kind of person you are and what your invite them into it gives them the freedom to express themselves. In a way that they perhaps not been able to which actually is you giving yourself the chance of experiencing the best event, you're giving them this space to shine in this place to flower the pace that's the space to be the best version of themselves around you so you take away that significance that overthinking It doesn't have to be perfect or polished and it's supposed to be a lived experience, I believe. And like i said at the beginning, I've got this wrong so many times in my life. At 51 years old there is a lot less pressure we're not thinking about having kids or buying a house or you know... There's a lot less pressure to finding the one but there isn't..there's no such thing as The One that'll come on too in the next point about love being a chapter

13:59 Don't overthink it think back to being more of a kid teenager you could have a holiday romance every couple weeks you can have you could have an incredible three months with someone in like a three month relationship when your teenager wow that's a long time but during that time you've done the whole. Date fall in love love letters do you know All the way through to break up, upset and move on. Why can't we be more like that as adults? So that's where we get to keep love simple don't overthink it! Number three cherish love don't fear losing it right and this taps perfectly onto the previous one

14:46 When love shows up a lot of people, men as we're talking about here today will tense up. They'll be like oh now this is serious what if I lose it? What if she changes? What if this all ends? I can speak from that place. I know that part where I got loved so wrong for so many years in my life was as a result of my mum dying when I was a kid So I was looking for love as a big important thing because it was something that had been, you know, large piece of it had been taken away from me. So not only was I going out there looking for it but I was also terrified again of losing it

15:27 So what that meant inside of a relationship was i would then stay in relationships that weren't healthy or the one that much fun. Because I'd committed so much because i said i love you because i wanted it to work out i was then blind to the fact actually this isn't really. This isn't good. Like this isn't what I wanted, like we should be able to say it's been great we've had a good time now think its time to move on or you know clearly if your in a long term relationship there will be time to work on it before you get that point but don't fear losing it because if you fear losing then you dont enjoy the moment You become as we said before you become needy

16:14 Love and experiencing it at the same time you know someone who's in a defensive position is not gonna be the same as someone who got their arms wide open. Is this simple was that and a lot of arguments will stem from someone feeling like oh no, we can't do that because then that means were not quite so much in love with your phone or quite so much in love that terrible so there you go so why are you doing that while you being like that what you're really saying is I flipping love you don't want this to end Two very different things you can see when you're embracing it you get to have an open and generous conversation when your fearing it close up and I'm saying defense you get defensive here but does come out quite often as an attack so love in the moment let love be a beautiful feeling.

17:10 Let it be a connection it doesn't need to be reciprocated as much or is bigger stores for his life doesn't need to be perfect guaranteed. That's what makes love beautiful and when you can play with it when u can dance with it when u can no, picture of butterfly in a fluttering around dancing on off the flowers like that can be love that is love If you fear the ending, it's going to rob you of the joy in the middle. That is just wrong on so many levels. Okay number four in these seven reasons men get love wrong It is not transactional! It's not a negotiation like if I'll say it...I'll say she says it first

17:58 Okay all that's not what i want to say i love her and she don't set back that would be weird. Ok but thinking it holding on to it for however long is in that weird you know i'll open up and if she responds well then she's worth it, if she doesn't then she's not like its just weird or i can't risk it i've been hurt before there's a classic one i've been hurt before What's your gonna live your life forever more on the basis of our previous relationship when. If you take full responsibility for these things in the fact that you could be look at say what every relationship that went wrong previously was my fault i shouldn't go into that relation should stay with her that long i shouldn't have been heartbroken at the end of it and allow myself to suffer from far too long instead just enjoying and celebrating it for the time it lasted love isn't a contract

19:04 And there's like things overlapping here and that's absolutely fine but you shouldn't wait for someone or you shouldn't wait for someone to say it, you should expect someone to love you back just as much. You should measure how they're performing based on the amount of love that your feeling from them. Of course if your in a loveless relationship then thats very different Particularly if it's been a long term relationship now we've got to actually communicate what's broken about the relationship but the actual feeling when you're able to give it and be relaxed about it, then you stand in the best possible chance of being reciprocated the same way back especially if you were like that from the beginning.

19:50 So, love without expectation is what I'm really saying here about it not being transactional. Express it because it's exactly how you feel not because you're waiting for the perfect time and this is actually where intimacy starts when you open up like this and you create the space for trust and intimacy then that relationship can blossom Just to be clear I'm not suggesting that you know if we talk about new relationships, but you go around saying i love you everybody just because you. That is transactional like im gonna say i love you can make this relationship even better or it's going take it to the next level no. You say when you feel it and you don't worry about how its gonna go down where it's gonna end up number five. Love is a chapter it's not the whole book this is really really important for people inside of relationship is that

20:46 The chapter of life that we're in right now is the one that we should be focused on. That's what we should be working on, that's what we should be enjoying. Now if things are different than they were when you first met well that's obvious isn't it? You know there's a chapter where we first got together there's a chapter where you get engaged as a chapter where Get married in the chapter where you kids come along and their babies and there's a chapter where those babies are toddlers like every chapter should be kind of different. Because it is a lot of different forces and experiences coming at you so u got to be okay, do express how your life to create fresh start into expression love in that time and the reason why this is very very important as well is losing love

21:36 Is not the end of the world it's just the end of that chapter there is no such thing as the one this this this complete misnomer, is the one on the root causes of so many men upset because i can't like we're all in and she's the one i fell in love and i cant believe i did. Absolutely did it more than once so I think i heard it from one of Rollo Tomasi's books and we just you know, it's been written elsewhere. It's just that I was in the right space at the right time to really hear that there is no such thing as the one. There's like however many million billion women on this planet regardless of what age they are or color or sexual persuasion or whatever like there's plenty out there that are gonna be a good fit for you! It's just that you gotta get out there and actually meet them

22:33 Take a safety, not take a second best. Because then you're just going to be like full of doubt and concern and upset the whole time that you're together when a relationship ends when love has run its course it's okay You don't have to collapse there is no such thing as heartbreak your heart does not break in two There is loss there is grieving That's absolutely fine thats a process thats an emotional response that we are We're capable as of humans. But you have to also recognize that why would I stay upset about this for a long period of time? Why would I make my... Why is my phone ringing? Hold tight! Oh, I know why because my brother is on my SOS list so when my brother calls me it overrides everything You don't want that in the middle of your flipping live stream do you

23:38 Yeah so love is a chapter it's not the whole book don't be don't fall to pieces when it ends there no such thing as the one you don't need to be broken by the end of our relationship or for that matter when someone dies. Like it's sad when someone dies, but it's not the end of the world. It's what happens we're supposed to die you might miss them that's fine that's allowed but actually what you should be doing is giving yourself the freedom to celebrate their memories to be joyous in the time that you had together That's what it's about feel the love feel grateful move forward

24:16 By the way, the man you're supposed to be tomorrow had to go through today. The love you've lost was part of your journey, part of your growth. So number six of the seven reasons men get love wrong. Love should not be hard work If you're in a relationship that's really, really constantly difficult. Constantly full of tension arguments bitterness jealousy control whatever it might be that isn't love one of the guys I was talking about at the beginning of this episode stayed in their marriage too long and there were kids involved and 25 years being together involved

25:03 But there was also significant period of unhappiness we're talking eight years for myself it was multiple year and it doesn't mean that you just. Did she wife because you have a tough time thats not what its about at all when you been going through a tough time for that long and it doesn't seem to be getting better then you have to take stock of the situation saying this shouldn't be this difficult We've been gifted this life to live we've been given the opportunity to fall in love with did for enough. Just not working right now is it possible that there's someone else out there that i would be better, is it possible that I would be better off without anybody for right for right now to rebuild myself to create a life that i desire being physically mentally emotionally strong to be in control of my finances enjoy my work to be connected with the people around me

25:56 Fill in my life with fun and adventure that is the high value man way. And then say, wouldn't it be awesome to put an incredible woman inside of this to be part of this with me? So if you're if the person you love if that relationship is fundamentally hard work constantly then why have them in your life I hope you hear that i hope your reflecting on you might even know exactly the person im talking about exactly the relationship im talking about are suffering and struggling away through it or are you. Having open communication are you working on improving another if they're not responding then its probably time to end that love is no hard work right staying in survival mode,

26:49 I got a dog in here as well. Staying in survival mode is, it's stressful, it's exhausting your body pumped full of cortisol It's not pleasant place to be, it will drag you down so reflect on the relationship you're in and decide whether the love is really worth if its constantly hard work. There's beautiful expression from From Tolly Buchan, the western father of fire walking and his expression is let it be easy. And in regards to love let it be easy is a beautiful thing number seven and the last one being whole attracts the right love being whole and complete attracts the right love this about how you're showing up for yourself its about how you are showing up for the rest of world

27:46 When you are the I can't be who i need to be without love then your probably gonna attract the wrong person. Ok because it's so desperate, its needy and we get back what we attracted when who u r about love is grounded and solid and wholesome and easy enjoy us then your likely to attract the same back and ultimately that's thats what were looking for really We talk about what love means and who i'm looking for what i'd like it to be like that's that's. That's what you've got to put out that's what u got to be looking for someone to mirror back its who your being do an audit on your attitude and outlook on love,

28:34 Do you have any feelings of, oh love is painful. Love is risky. Have a look in your how much... How easy it for you to give and express love whether it's about pizza or can of coke or new beer or favorite place you like to visit all other family members your mates? You know how easy do you find it to say to a friend I love you Right. Not like on one knee with roses, but like mate I flippin love you great to see you when you can when you can express it like that in the to the people in your life and you know that you're in a good place around the subject called Love there's a radio DJ in the UK who was like on on the biggest national radio station BBC Radio One

29:26 Scott Mills. So he used to do this thing, I should try and get him on the podcast actually because i think he is responsible for a lot of people finding it easy to say love you so anytime someone was on the show like a caller had dialed in he would end the call by saying love you and then they would say it back so it became a bit of a um what's the word? Like pop culture! It became like a popular thing at the time just be like love you He broke down, I think a huge barrier there for people to be able to say it too. Their friends to the people around them as well is like that significant other in their and their parents and kids so who you are about love matters do that or get a piece of paper right love in the middle

30:15 Fill the paper with everything you think about love, like how important it is to you. How fearful it is to you all the experiences of good love in your life and negative love in your life? Think back to being a kid and how your feelings were shaped by your parents and your experience of love as a kid what you want to give to your kids into your wife partner, like how you want them to feel your love What's it like to be loved by you That's what I want you to put on this paper. Because when you get to see that all laid out in front of you, I would hope that the majority of it would be positive and healthy but it should also highlight some of those little hidden concerns and secrets are tripping you up and holding you back because as a high value man, I want the people around you to experience love as this generous freely given opportunity

31:13 A real benefit of being, of having you in their life. I've almost like stumped myself at the end there because of how important i think this is and then people that show up like this right so that's the seven okay let me run through them again number one love is a desire a want not need okay don't be needy number two love without overthinking keep it simple feel free to express your love to someone without having to concern about when they're going to end or what's it gonna mean Number three, cherish love. Don't fear losing it right? Love doesn't hurt it shouldn't be something that's going to kill you when when it's gone right so enjoy it! Number four, love is not transactional don't measure someone on how much love you think you're getting from them and don't measure your own happiness by how much love you think you've got in your life It's not transactional like that You don't have to wait for someone to say I love you before you can say it back Number five, love as a chapter not a whole book

32:15 Enjoy it for the time you've got and be free, feel free to let it go when it comes to the end of that chapter. Go and start on amazing new chapter. And number six love should not be hard work, It speaks for itself then finally being whole attracts right love how you show up in the world will determine how love comes and finds you so what is love to you? I would bring this over to the High Value Man project. The inner circle is our members area, it's where we get together across a week, month or 12-week period where we're setting challenges and running through topics like this one. We're dealing with the hot seat of

33:04 The Jonnie Jensen Show, In November, although it feels a way off we've got our Lodge Weekend scheduled where we're going to be firewalking. We're gonna be cold water swimming up in Scotland and they got this magnificent lodge with open fire and everything

33:40 So, you know I really want to invite all the men listening to get yourself over to our initial base camp which is the start place and from there all these things become available to you. If you go to highvaluemanproject.com forward slash group that will get you into base camp and then you can pick and choose the direction you're going from there HighValueManProject.com forward slash group. I hope that has been powerful for you love As a high value man is a beautifully creative energy in your life it should be something that you able to play with casually not recklessly but casually like a butterfly dancing around your garden.

34:25 Wherever you show up people feel your love and generosity they feel the freedom of you as a man being able to express himself. They get an essence of you in their life I promise you that when you are that man, you get it back! The tank your love tank is filled and fueled by how you are able to freely express and receive love yourself If you've got any questions then feel free to drop them wherever you're listening or watching, I'll get over to them. And otherwise make sure you share this podcast, please share this video subscribe to the channel your on and if you do leave a review on Apple Podcasts or Spotify then The Best One of The Week gets a Power Call with me which is £150 or $200 value

35:15 That's it. I look forward to seeing you on the next episode, I've got loads of guest episodes coming up as well we've been recording those and i'm getting them set up so i'm looking forward to sharing those with you if you've heard anyone on a podcast that you think we should have on here then again let me know that as well cheers guys i'll catch you in the next one let's go Thanks for tuning in to The Jonnie Jensen Show. Be sure to subscribe, leave a review and share it with fellow dads! Creating the life you deserve starts with YOU. Get your High Value Man blueprint and join our community of motivated modern dads at highvaluemanproject.com Let's go