What Is Love? 7 Reasons Men Get Love Wrong

00:01 What is love, men? It is a big question. And so many men get it wrong. It becomes the cause of pain and stress and upset when actually it should be something beautiful that lights us up and gives us absolute strength and joy in our lives. Let's dig into this role theme. Welcome to the Johnny Jensen show, where modern dads discover how to create the true riches, relationships and results they deserve. Get your high value man blueprint and join our community at highvalue manproject.com. Let's go. Hello, men. Welcome to the Johnny Jensen show.

00:46 It is great to have you here. My name is Johnny Jensen. I am the host. Makes sense, right? Makes a lot of sense. It's called Johnny Jensen, and it is the Johnny Jensen show. I am the founder and the head coach at the High Value Man Project. And it is, like I said, absolutely great pleasure to have you here. Wherever you're tuning in from, you might be watching this on the live as we record it, or you may even be subscribing on the podcast. Wherever you are, please be sure to share it with other men in your live and help us spread the word. Today's topic is what is love? And it is a big one, really.

01:23 A couple of different guys inside the High Value Man Project this week have been bringing the subject of love to the table from two very different directions. One inside of a marriage that I'm going to take these glasses off because it's really reflecting. One inside of a marriage that clearly wasn't working and he stayed in the relationship for far too long. And the other, a guy who'd been through a divorce and has a girlfriend now. And she said, I love you. And it freaked him out, which is all okay. It's all okay. Just two very good examples of how significant we get about this subject called love.

02:06 And it doesn't need to be that way. It's weird. And what we're going to do today is we're going to go through seven reasons that men get this wrong. We're going to break that down and look at each one of those. And hopefully this will be a relief to a lot of men. I would like to hope. Now, it does not mean that all men get love wrong, but no matter where you're at in terms of your understanding, your appreciation, your joy of the thing called love, this topic called love, you may still find yourself vulnerable to a scenario and a classic one, which I think is like number four or five on the list, is about the idea that the one, you know, and that's that is one of the clearest illustrations of how men get the, get this, this topic called love wrong, because there really isn't such thing as the one, right?

02:58 There is someone we're in love with, there is a time in our life that we're deliriously happy and it's all going in the right direction, but that might just be a chapter. How that transpires, how that ends, and how far men fall when love breaks down is unnecessary. And that is really the important part of this topic is that when men get taken down by the subject of love, it's a waste. And it takes us, and I can speak from experience because I did this so many times in my life. It takes us far too long to recover, far too long to put ourselves back on track to move forwards from that relationship, from that person who stopped loving us or went away, died, whatever it might be.

03:49 Now, it doesn't, I'm not here to say that love is bad and that you're all idiots for being in love. That's not the case at all. But as I'll come on to say, we don't live in a Disney movie. In fact, this is a pertinent, important thing to bring up at the beginning. We don't live in a Disney movie. Our perspective on this thing called love has been shaped in sort of warped and twisted ways by culture, by movies, by TV romances, for good and bad reasons. Soap operas are flipping shocking.

04:27 Like how many relationships are, it's drama, you know, it requires us to be engaged in the upset and the tension of it all. But consider that actually warps your own perspective on love. In the same way that Disney does, and it's not just Disney, but in the same way that fairy tales do, the knight in shining armor who comes and saves the day, they fall in love and live happily ever after. I mean, the story literally ends and they lived happily ever after. So we get conditioned to think, well, if we, if love. love is taken away from us and that was the thing that was going to allow us to live happily ever after then i must be doomed if the thing that meant so much to me has now been taken away that is not correct

05:14 that is one of the ways and reasons why men get this subject of love so wrong women they'll have their own version okay plenty of women stay in relationships too long plenty of women feel like you know this you know the the one and how could how could the one possibly treat them like this and surely it's going to get better we think the same blokes think the same but it's all bollocks it's all made up love in its purest sense is is uh a joyous experience it's a it's a you know a fountain of of of emotions and joy and feelings

05:54 um but it's not only in the area of other people that we find love you will if you stop and think about it now think of your favorite holiday think of your favorite food think of your favorite drink so often we talk about that as oh i love that place oh i love the that i love i flipping love cheeseburgers i love roast dinner on a sunday like we we've we're very tuned into what love means to us in other areas of our life but then when it becomes about someone else we get really significant about it we wait for the perfect moment or we wait until there's been enough feelings enough positive states enough

06:37 whatever your version of enough is before we can say i love you and like did we need to wait that long no clearly i'm not suggesting that on the second date you start telling someone you love them that's a bit weird and if someone's doing that to you you could consider that something called love bombing which in itself isn't that great but the message for today is that there are seven in my opinion this and certainly for the benefit of this podcast today there are seven reasons men get love wrong and we're going to break those down have a look at them i am getting more and more focused on creating notes and prepping these things so that we can go through them clearly rather than having me

07:21 ramble so number one love is a desire not a need like it's it's a feeling not a need like when we come from the place of of i need to be in love in order to be happy i need to be in love in order to be a real man you don't need that at all in fact love should be the the bonus on top it should be the cherry on top of your life right to be complete as yourself is the most important thing right we want love and that is perfectly okay we want to feel in love we want to feel love back but we don't need it and when you get stuck with the idea that you need it then you're very vulnerable to the impact of losing it or you're very vulnerable to the impact of a relationship not working out and you fall into pieces because oh my god

08:15 i need this you don't need it when you believe you need love you hand over all your power you operate from from probably a space of desperation and need like it's literally the word need needy people it's not good to be in a relationship with someone who's needy and whether you realize this or not it starts to show up in your actions it starts to show up in in doing too much you know like the nice guy syndrome it starts showing up in in arguments over petty things because it's like oh we're not we're not as in love as we were before and now we've got to oh no your clinginess and your your silence the people pleasing it comes from a fear about losing that thing called love it stops you speaking up because you think well we're already having a ding-dong about this if i now talk about well where where does this take us what's it going to mean like how are we going to fix it like if if that subject doesn't go how i

09:11 want it to then i'm going to be even more vulnerable to losing this thing called love so we we as men we stop speaking up and when you stop speaking up that's really um a you know a terrible place to find yourself in a relationship because when you stop speaking up about one thing you stop speaking up about all things and slowly um the balance inside your relationship will drift away from you and um quite quite frankly but before you know it that starts to become a pinch on your confidence and then mental health and it's a downward spiral basically so you have to approach love as a desire something beautiful something that adds to your already full life it's like yes i'm creating all this.

09:55 I'm showing up as this man that I want to be, you know, so that I find someone I love. Not like so that in order to, but just it's inevitable. It's like this force is like a flower coming up and blooming. It's like, who wouldn't want to fall in love with that beautiful flower? Who wouldn't want to bring love into your space? So that's when love becomes a very grounded and positive force. It's not like you're waiting for it before you can be complete. It's the bonus on top. It then gives you the freedom then to share love much more openly because you're not depending on someone else for you to feel good.

10:41 Are you with me? So a high value man chooses love from a place of clarity and confidence, a place of strength. Because the opposite is to, you know, to need love like a desperation and longing. Okay. So love is a want, not a need. Love is a desire, not a need. Number two, love without overthinking. And we love our dog. We love our cat. We love flipping Chicago. We love cheeseburgers, right? Like we can love things without hesitation until it becomes somebody else.

11:21 Then we overthink it. We wait for the right moment. I'll then worry they won't say it back. Or like, have they said it enough? Do I say it here? Do I say it there? It just becomes weird. We turn it into a calculation. And when we do that, it loses its authenticity. It loses its natural freedom and joy and expression. It loses its power, quite honestly. Love doesn't need to be a huge cinematic thing. And this is particularly evident in relationships, deciding when you've experienced enough in order to be in love.

12:02 Or thinking, well, if I love them, if I say I love them and then they don't say it back, if I say I love them and then that's going to mean this and then and then it's going to get really serious and if it gets really serious, I'm not sure if I want that. But then what you're then missing out on, if you really do love hanging out with that person, if you really do love going on dates and ending up back at theirs and having great sex, like if you love that, then as an expression, I flipping love being with you. You're an incredible person. Like you, you can start to play with it. But also, if you're setting the foundations for a healthy relationship, then you get to let that person know that that's where you're at. This is the kind of person I am. I want this to be an enjoyable experience. I don't know how long it's going to last.

12:46 I don't know where it's going to take us. Maybe forever. Maybe a wonderful 12 weeks. When you start to share with someone the kind of person you are and what you're inviting them into, it gives them the freedom to express themselves in a way that they've perhaps not been able to, which actually is you giving yourself the chance of experiencing the best of them. You're giving them the space to shine, the space to flower, the space to be the best version of themselves around you. And so you take away that significance, that overthinking. It doesn't have to be perfect or polished.

13:30 And it's supposed to be a lived experience, I believe. And I don't, like I said at the beginning, I've got this wrong so many times in my life. At 51 years old, there's a lot less pressure. We're not thinking about having kids or buying a house or, you know, there's a lot less pressure to finding the one. But there isn't, there's no such thing as the one. And I'll come on to in the, I think it's the next point about love being a chapter. But don't overthink it. Think back to being more of a kid, a teenager. You could have a holiday romance over a couple of weeks. You could have, you could have an incredible three months with someone in like a three month relationship when you're a teenager.

14:15 Wow, that's a long time. But during that time, you'd have done the whole date, fall in love, love letters, you know, all the way through to break up, upset and move on. Like, why, why can't we be more like that as adults? Okay. So that's where we get to keep love simple. Don't overthink it. Number three, cherish love. Don't fear losing it. Right. And this taps perfectly onto the previous one. When love shows up, a lot of people, a lot of men as well. we're talking about here today will tense up they'll be like ah now this is serious what if i lose it what if she changes what if this all ends i can speak from that place i know that part of my where i got love so wrong for so many years in my life

15:07 was as a result of my mum dying when i was a kid so i was looking for love as a as a big important thing because it was something that had been, you know, a large piece of it had been taken away from me. So not only was I going out there looking for it, but I was also terrified again of losing it. So what that meant inside of a relationship was that I would then stay in relationships that weren't healthy or that weren't that much fun because I'd committed so much, because I'd said I love you, because I wanted it to work out. I was then blind to the fact, actually, this isn't, this isn't really, this isn't good. Like, this isn't what I wanted. This, like, we should be able to say, it's been great.

15:51 We've had a good time. Now I think it's time to move on. Or, you know, clearly, if you're in a long-term relationship, it'll be a time to work on it before you get to that point. But don't fear losing it. Because if you fear losing it, then you don't enjoy it in the moment. You become, as we've said before, you become needy. You can't protect love and experiencing it at the same time. You know, someone who's in a defend, in a defensive position is not going to be the same as someone who's got their arms wide open. It is as simple as that. And a lot of arguments will stem from someone feeling like, oh no, well, you can't do that because then that means we're not quite so much in love.

16:35 And if I'm not quite so much in love, then that's terrible. So then you go, so why are you doing that? Why are you being like that? What you're really saying is, I flipping love you and don't want this to end. They're two very different things. And you can see when you're embracing it, you get to have an open and generous conversation. When you're fearing it, you close up and I'm saying defend, you get defensive here, but it does come out quite often as an attack. So love in the moment. Let love be a beautiful feeling. Let it be a connection. It doesn't need to be reciprocated as much or as big or as for as long.

17:15 It doesn't need to be perfect or guaranteed. That's what makes love beautiful. And when you can play with it, when you can dance with it, when you can, you know, picture a butterfly fluttering around in dancing on and off the flowers, like that can be love. That is love. If you fear the ending, it's going to rob you of the joy in the middle. And that is just wrong on so many levels. Okay. Number four in the seven reasons men get love wrong. It is not transactional. It's not a negotiation. Like if I'll say it, I'll say it if she says it first.

17:59 Okay. Or I hear that so often. Well, I don't want to say I love her and then she not say it back. That would be weird. Well, okay, but thinking it and holding on to it for however long, isn't that weird? You know, I'll open up and if she, you know, if she responds well, then she's worth it. If she doesn't, then she's not like, it's just weird. Oh, you know, oh, I can't risk it. Oh, I've been hurt before. There's a classic one. I've been hurt before. So what? So you're going to live your life forevermore on the basis of how a previous relationship went.

18:38 I mean, if you take full responsibility for these things, then the fact that, you know, you could look at say, well, every relationship that went wrong previously was my fault. I shouldn't have got into that relationship. I shouldn't have stayed with her that long. I shouldn't have been heartbroken at the end of it and allowed myself to suffer for far too long instead of just enjoying and celebrating it for the time that had lasted. Love isn't a contract. And there's like things overlapping here, and that's absolutely fine. But you shouldn't wait for someone or you shouldn't wait for someone to say it. You shouldn't expect someone to love you back just as much. You shouldn't measure how they're performing based on the amount of love that you're feeling from them.

19:21 Now, of course, if you're in a loveless relationship, then that's very different. Particularly if it's been a long-term relationship. Now we've got to actually communicate what's broken about the relationship. But the actual feeling, when you're able to give it and be relaxed about it, then you spend the best possible. possible chance of it being reciprocated the same way back, especially if you were like that from the beginning. So love without expectation is what I'm really saying here about it not being transactional. Express it because it's exactly how you feel, not because you're waiting for the perfect time.

20:00 And this is actually where intimacy starts. When you open up like this and you just create the space for trust and intimacy, then that relationship can blossom. And just to be clear, I'm not suggesting, you know, if we talk about new relationships, that you go around saying I love you to everybody just because you, you know, that is transactional. Like, I'm going to say I love you because it's going to make this relationship even better or it's going to take it to the next level. No, you say it when you feel it and you don't worry about how it's going to go down or where it's going to end up. Number five, love is a chapter. It's not the whole book. This is really, really important for people inside a relationship: is that

20:46 the chapter of life that we're in right now is the one that we should be focused on. That's what we should be working on. That's what we should be enjoying. Now, if things are different than they were when we first met, well, that's flipping it obvious, isn't it? You know, there's a chapter where we first got together. There's a chapter where you get engaged. There's a chapter where you get married. There's a chapter where your kids come along and they're babies. And then there's a chapter where those babies are toddlers. Like every chapter should be kind of different because there's a lot of different forces and experiences coming at you. So you've got to be okay to express how you're like to create a fresh start and to express your love in that time.

21:31 And the reason why this is very, very important as well is that losing love is not the end of the world. It's just the end of that chapter. There's no such thing as the one. This complete misnomer is one of the root causes of so many men's upset because they're like, oh, I can't like like we're all in. She's the one. I fell in love and I can't believe I did it. I absolutely did it. I've done it more than once. So I think I heard it from one of Rollo Tomasi's books. It's been written elsewhere. It's just that I was in the right space at the right time to really hear that.

22:14 There is no such thing as the one. There's like however many million billion women on this planet, regardless of what age they are or color or sexual persuasion or whatever, like there's plenty out there that are going to be a good fit for you. It's just that you've got to get out there and actually meet them and not take a safety, not take a second best. Because then you're just going to be like full of doubt and concern and upset the whole time that you're together. When a relationship ends, when love has run its course, it's okay. You don't have to collapse. There's no such thing as heartbreak. Your heart does not break into.

22:58 There's loss, there's grieving. That's absolutely fine. That's a process. That's an emotional response that we are, we're capable of humans. But you have to also recognize that why would I stay upset about this for a prolonged period of time? Why would I make my why is my phone ringing? Hold tight. Oh, I know why. Because my brother is on my SOS list. So when my brother calls me, it overrides everything. You don't want that in the middle of your flipping live stream, do you?

23:38 Yeah. So love is a chapter. It's not the whole book. Don't fall to pieces when it ends. There's no such thing as the one. You don't need to be broken by the end of a relationship or for that matter, when someone dies. Like it's sad when someone dies, but it's not the end of the world. It's what happens. We're supposed to die. You might miss them. That's fine. That's allowed. But actually, what you should be doing is giving yourself the freedom to celebrate their memories, to be joyous in the time that you had together. That's what it's about. Feel the love, feel grateful, move forward. And by the way, the man you're supposed to be tomorrow had to go through today.

24:22 The love you've lost was part of your journey, part of your growth. So number six of the seven reasons men get love wrong. Love should not be hard work. If you're in a relationship that's really, really constantly difficult. constantly full of tension, arguments, bitterness, jealousy, control, whatever it might be, that isn't love. One of the guys I was talking about at the beginning of this episode was stayed in the relat marriage too long. And there was kids involved and there was 25 years of being together involved.

25:03 But there was also significant period of unhappiness. We're talking like eight years. For myself, it was multiple years. And it doesn't mean that you just ditch your wife because you're having a tough time. That's not what it's about at all. But when you've been going through a tough time for that long and it doesn't seem to be getting better, then you have to take stock of the situation and saying, this shouldn't be this difficult. We've been gifted this life to live. We've been given the opportunity to fall in love. We did fall in love, but it's just not working right now. Is it possible that there's someone else out there that I would be better with? Is it possible that I would be better off without anybody for right now to rebuild myself, to create the life that I desire, to be physically, mentally, emotionally strong, to be in control of my finances, enjoying my work, to be connected with the people around me and filling my life with fun and

25:58 adventure? That is the high value man way. And then say, oh, wouldn't it be awesome to put an incredible woman inside of this to be part of this with me? So if the person you love, if that relationship is fundamentally hard work constantly, then why have them in your life? I hope you hear that. I hope you're reflecting on, you might even know exactly the person I'm talking about, exactly the relationship I'm talking about. Are you suffering and struggling your way through it? Or are you having open communication? Are you working on improving it? And if they're not responding, then it's probably time to end that.

26:40 Love is not hard work. Staying in survival. Staying in survival mode. Now I've got a dog in here as well. Staying in survival mode is it's stressful. It's exhausting. Your body's pumped full of cortisol. It's not a pleasant place to be. It will drag you down. So reflect on the relationships you're in and decide whether the love is really worth it if it's constantly hard work. That's a beautiful expression from Tolly Burkhan, the Western father of firewalking. And his expression is, let it be easy.

27:24 And, you know, in regards to love, let it be easy is a beautiful thing. Number seven, and the last one, being whole attracts the right love. Being whole and complete attracts the right love. And this is about how you're showing up for yourself. It's about how you are showing up for the rest of the world. When you are that I can't be who I need to be without love, then you're probably going to attract the wrong person. Okay. Because it's so, it's desperate. It's needy. And we get back what we attract. So when who you are about love is grounded and solid and wholesome and easy and joyous, then you're likely to attract the same back.

28:09 And ultimately, that's what we're looking for, really. And when you talk about what love means and who I'm looking for, what I'd like it to be like, that's what you've got to put out. That's what you've got to be looking for someone to mirror back. It's who you're being. So do an audit on your attitude and outlook on love. Do you have any feelings of, oh, love is painful? Love is risky. I, you know, have a look. How much, how easy is it for you to give and express love, whether it is about a pizza or a can of coke or a new beer or a favorite place you like to visit or

28:54 other family members, your mates. You know, how easy is it? How easy do you find it to say to a friend, I love you? Right. Not like on one knee with roses, but like, yeah, mate, I flipping love you. Great to see you. Like when you can, when you can express it like that to the people in your life, then you know that you're in a good place around the subject called love. There's a radio DJ in the UK who was like on, you know, on like the biggest national radio station, BBC Radio One, Scott Mills. So he used to do this thing. I should try and get him on the podcast actually, because I think he is responsible for.

29:34 a lot of people finding it easy to say love you. So anytime someone was on the on the show, like a caller had dialed in, he would end the call by saying, love you. And then they would say it back. So it became a bit of a, what's the word? Like a pop, like pop culture. Like it became like a popular thing at the time, just be like, love you. But he broke down, I think, a huge barrier there for people to be able to say it to their friends, to the people around them, as well as like that significant other and their parents and kids. So who you are about love matters. Do that audit. Get a piece of paper, write love in the middle and fill the paper with everything you think about love, like how important it is to you, how fearful it is to you, all the experiences of good love in your life and negative love in your life.

30:27 Think back to being a kid and like how your feelings were shaped by your parents and your experience of love as a kid, what you want to give to your kids and to your wife partner, like how you want them to feel your love. Like what's it like to be loved by you? That's what I want you to put on this paper. Because when you get to see that all laid out in front of you, I would hope that the majority of it would be positive and healthy, but it should also highlight some of those little hidden concerns and secrets that are tripping you up and holding you back. Because as a high value man, I want the people around you to experience love as this generous, freely given opportunity, like a real benefit of being, of having you in their life.

31:19 I've almost like stumped myself at the end there because of how important I think this is. And then people that show up like this, right? So that's the seven. Okay, let me run through them again. Number one, love is a desire, a want, not a need. Okay, don't be needy. Number two, love without overthinking. Keep it simple. Feel free to express your love to someone without having to concern about when's it going to end or what's it going to mean. Number three, cherish love. Don't fear losing it. Love, love doesn't hurt. It shouldn't be something that's going to kill you when it's gone, right? So enjoy it. Number four, love's not transactional. Don't measure someone on how much love you think you're getting from them.

32:03 Don't measure your own happiness by how much love you think you've got in your life. It's not transactional like that. You don't have to wait for someone to say, I love you before you can say it back. Number five, love as a chapter, not a whole book. Like enjoy it for the time you've got and be free. Feel free to let it go when it comes to the end of that chapter. Go and start an amazing new chapter. And number seven, number six, love should not be hard work. It speaks for itself. And finally, being whole attracts the right love. How you show up in the world will determine how love comes and finds you. So what is love to you? I would, you know, you know, bring this over to the high value man project.

32:48 You know, the inner circle is our members area. It's where we get together across a week, a month, a 12-week period where we're setting challenges, where we're running through topics like this one. We're dealing in with the hot seat of men sharing where they're struggling at in a particular area. They get the coach's input. They get the input from the rest of the guys. And what everybody takes from that experience is an opportunity to level up, to see something for themselves that creates more momentum, more velocity. It helps them become closer to the man that they want to be. In November, although it feels a way off, we've got our lodge weekend scheduled where we're going to be fire walking.

33:33 We're going to be cold water swimming up in Scotland. They've got this magnificent lodge with open fire and everything. So, you know, I really want to invite all the men listening to get yourself over to our initial base camp, which is the start place. And from there, all these things become available to you. If you go to highvalumanproject.com forward slash group, that will get you into base camp and you can pick and choose the direction you go in from there. Highvalumanproject.com forward slash group. I hope that has been powerful for you. Love, as a high-value man, is a beautifully creative energy in your life.

34:16 It should be something that you're able to play with casually, not recklessly, but casually, like a butterfly dancing around your garden. Wherever you show up, people feel your love and generosity. They feel. feel the freedom of you as a man being able to express himself. They get an essence of you in their life. I promise you that when you are that man, you get it back. The tank, your love tank is filled and fueled by how you are able to freely express and receive love yourself. If you've got any questions, then feel free to drop them wherever you're listening or watching. I'll get over to them.

34:57 And otherwise, make sure you share this podcast. Just share this video. Subscribe to the channel you're on. And if you do leave a review on Apple Podcasts or Spotify, then the best one of the week gets a power call with me, which is £150 or $200 value. That's it. I look forward to seeing you on the next episode. I've got loads of guest episodes coming up as well. We've been recording those and I'm getting them set up. So I'm looking forward to sharing those with you. If you've heard anyone on the podcast that you think we should have on here, then again, let me know that as well. Cheers, guys. I'll catch you on the next one. Let's go. Thanks for tuning in to the Johnny Jensen show. Be sure to subscribe, leave a review and share it with fellow dads.

35:40 Creating the life you deserve starts with you. Get your high value man blueprint and join our community of motivated modern dads at highvalumanproject.com. Let's go.