How Real Men Master Their Relationships

00:01 Welcome to this week's Team Superdad podcast, How Real Men Master Their Relationships. This is for all men that want to make their relationship the bonus in their life not their whole life. Roll thing! Welcome to Team Superdad. Real dads creating their best lives ever, more time, more money, more fun! You are not alone you're on Team Superdad. Howdy gang good to have you here yes I'm Jonnie Jensen this is the team super dad podcast

00:40 We are here pretty much every week. We did have a couple of weeks where I couldn't get StreamYard working, but apart from that it's been good! I set a plan to stick to it every week this year so we're on season four of the Team Superdad Podcasts episodes 17 and 23. I'm now 49 since since we saw you last week And it's great to have you here. We are in sunny England and yeah, Team Superdad the home of modern men midway most of us a midlife man we're creating the life that we desire not alive that we feel stuck in and that means taking back control living with focus and energy so you can really be the man you want to be and the dad your family needs as anybody who's been listening to this season for we're going through

01:29 The Team Superdad Power Code Methodology. And this is purpose, ownership do the work engage and reward the five key elements of creating the life that you want to be in. The man actually wakes up with energy manages themselves in an effective way healthy happy financially stable financially thriving um Having those relationships that really fill you up, both your friends your family Your partner. Your wife in whatever sort of situation you find yourself in In your relationship too many men are being crushed

02:07 By the weight of trying to create all of this, doing it on their own or working really hard thinking that's gonna be the answer and then feeling absolutely destroyed when it isn't. There are lots of reasons but it's more than anything because we're not being taught enough Guided enough, we're not working together enough to really understand what it is to be a modern man. What it is to own Modern masculinity so this week's episode how real men master their relationships I can't say I got this right in most of my relationships am I getting it right now? Well, I do hope I'm getting it a lot better Right a lot more than I was previously We many men write men

03:02 Have relationships upside down. If you're in a successful relationship, then absolutely awesome kudos to you! It's my experience that happens more by luck than design too often and if we go backwards in time when religion was much more constant Even dominant, shall we say. But a much more constant part in so many people's lives around the world whatever their faith may be that church structure would have a lot more say in who we got married with still in some countries there is flipping arranged marriages which do not always work and curiously sometimes really do you know it's possible that other people know more about what we need and what will make a good partner than we necessarily do particularly when we're young

03:56 People said to me when I got engaged, brilliant go for it yeah so happy for you pat you on the back shake your hand have a drink and there were a few people. A few select people who did say i'm not sure that's the right person i'm not sure that's a good idea and they weren't being mean to her they weren't being mean to me they just had some wisdom The Breakup, the Rebuild everything that's gone into that has created there's such a lot of knowledge and learning that's gone into that process. And I'll share as I go through this some of the books that I've read

04:41 Not all of them, but a couple in particular. I'm not going to digest the books for you but i am gonna reference them so that you might go out and actually look to get them themselves. In fact I'll do that now so don't forget! The five love languages absolutely amazingly brilliant basic short read are five love languages when you understand what your love language is and what your partner's love language is then Clear understanding and appreciation of what they need more than anything out of that relationship. So my, and you can kind of overlap into more than one area but it's... I always get this wrong! Here we go It's physical touch, it's acts of kindness, its quality time, Its gifts and it's one more

05:33 There we go. Acts of kindness, physical touch quality time gifts and words of affirmation there we go words of affirmation so you know I know for me mine very much physical touch and proper Yeah, quality time definitely. I kind of you because you could have a few that go into there but the real thing you notice is if you have a disconnect with the person in your relationship If yours is quality time and theirs are gifts well blimey! You get that round the wrong way and every time you bring them a present home they're like...I don't really need that just want to spend time with you And then you're like..I just bought this gift why don't love it?

06:19 You know, so you can understand it in resentment set scene upset anyway. From Anger to Intimacy a great book for married couples really understanding how resentment festers how disconnects happen in a relationship that dissects arguments and where they come from. So From Anger to Intimacy great book And the most powerful book, probably one of the most powerful books. By the way I've read loads but these are just top three for you! The most powerful book that every man should read and if a woman wants to really understand more about masculinity and men in relationships then No More Mr Nice Guy by Dr Richard Glover is absolutely THE BOOK and a lot of what we're going to talk about today kind of leans on this... In fact leans on all three of those but let's get into it well let me give some context as well

08:44 The old way, right? The old way in relationships. Men would go out to work do nothing around the house and probably go to the pub on their way home and get pissed And then come home expecting dinner, expecting the wife to be grateful they've worked hard all day Expecting some kind of sex and then expecting the whole thing to just kind of repeat for next day And expect it to work, right? Expect a degree of gratitude. And here's the bizarre thing that has a level of masculinity that when the right amount of respect is in place when the right amount of understanding and appreciation is in place but that can actually work and when I explain why the modern way doesn't work that will become clearer so the new way the modern way

09:39 Help out as much as we can, work hard to be a dad. Clean the house help do the shopping and expect the wife to be grateful for all the help you're doing chase after her allow make sure she feels wonderful basically do as much as you possibly can in the hope that the relationship will work that you'll get great sex and that you'll be happy this is the essence of nice guy syndrome because when we do that at What's the word? When we kind of give up on ourselves, when we forego everything for ourselves in order to be that person then then that's when the relationship breaks down and that is like the curse of modern men. Is that they have given up too much of their selves in order...in expectation that the relationship is going to work so

10:33 You can see when I'm saying the old way works it's not really about being that selfish arsehole but it is about displaying a level of masculinity, a level of focus on yourself and commitment to yourself that creates a level of you know in some books if you're reading um you know masculinity books. You know The Blue Pill they can call Competition anxiety, where the woman feels a level at which you're still out of reach. You know that you're still...that she's got to keep putting the effort into maintain your attention and maintain the energy in the relationship and when you think about that in a basic way that makes sense

11:25 Right, you want and it's not just about male to female right as that might sound but you want to create that level of competition anxiety like in the relationship where you both want a piece of each other constantly. It's when you don't want a piece of each other that the relationship will start to fall to pieces it's where you anticipate and expect them to be there for you all the time like well of course they're going to be there why do I need to bother? That's one of the problems so In many ways, for men this has all come about through modern media and movies. You know the Disney ending? If I do this then she'll do that and we'll be happy forever after!

12:05 You know, a lot of old modern Disney movies not necessarily if you start to pull them apart with the woke comb. But there is a level of masculinity in there that is attractive to not just the storyline but to the woman in the movie It's about recognizing our innate, our inner masculine energy and our inner feminine energy. And you can have a piece of both as a male but it's understanding that's why you need to study it and be aware of it so that you have some control not control patriarchal control but just see how some concern has some mastery of itself yourself So you know how to wield yourself? We're going into sort of pretty much what that means here today. First of all

12:54 It's not, you don't, you can't fixate on the relationship. The relationship should be a bonus in your life it should be the piece that sits on top of everything that you've created for yourself when you become fixated on the relationship when your head over heels in love, the Disney ending we just think that it's all going to fall into place but women fall out of love with men who have no substance So, you know when you stand for nothing and fall for everything. And that like if you don't have a compass for yourself then how can anyone get on board with that? Like you just become this flake who's serving around the house in the vain hope it is all going to work out. Aligned with that

13:45 Comes a level of codependency, working so hard to support the other person and maintain the relationship or as can happen fix the relationship that at the moment it starts to go wrong. It's like oh no I've done all this and yet they're relation...and it's still not working! So then we work harder okay I've got to fix this I've gotta fix this Working desperately harder to fix the relationship, to fix her, to help the children, to fix the school. To be there constantly but the problem gets worse it doesn't get better and then it's like Resignation, desperation and despair setting. Like because if you're doing all this and it's not working then what else can I do? Then you start to blame the other person so before the blame even kicks in if you're resigned and desperate and despairing how attractive is that as a way of being even if it's pushed down as a way of being some as a way of being around someone like that that is flipping pathetic

14:49 You expect that to maintain a level of competition anxiety, a level of passion and desire. It's not! it's flaky and shit And then of course resentment kicks in. We and that's where the frustration levels and anger levels inside of relationships fester, and in regarding to two of my new clients and one of the conversations I have with a prospective client that's what... Two of them are in their marriage one of them is going through divorce. That's where

15:27 It started taking responsibility for the why is she being a bitch to me? Why's our relationship like this if you scrape away it all and I've done all this for her and now this. If you go through, I've done all this for her before you get to and now she's done this You have to notice this invisible layer of resentment And if you could presume that some way, somehow she's experiencing that resentment. Well guess what? She's annoyed confused and pissed off at you! That's where you can see your role in all this so that's what goes on as I said a moment ago your relationship should be the bonus in your life not your whole life

16:15 We're now going to get into three areas where you can master your relationship, how real men can master their relationship. So number one goals and vision it always starts with goals and vision right but it does if you want to be fulfilled then you have to have a clear idea of where you're headed and a sense that you're actively working on it that is fulfillment And it's the same inside of a relationship. If the relationship has no direction, if you don't know what you stand for, if you don't know what you both want and all you're doing is getting up each day and washing your arse eating breakfast, getting the kids out of bed working coming home eating cleaning falling back asleep feeling bad you didn't have any sex waking up next morning even more pissed off No wonder! By the way there is a successful version of that as well right where people are really successful

17:10 But that kind of stuff is still happening and so now it's just masked under all this money, and holidays, and nice cars. It's the same thing going on underneath! So knowing what you want first and foremost knowing what you want being true to your values being clear about where you're headed as a man in the world You can't lose track of that not from day one Not from middle of the relationship not from end of the relationship it is up to you to have that compass Then clearly understanding your partner's goals and vision. What does she want? Where is she headed? What will lift her up? You know, never before has this been so top of mind so relevant so important but by the way it has always been those things it's just

18:01 Women, and now the media and movies have... they're on board with it. The problem is that it's so sensitive and shocking that men have been thinking that for so long but now they've erased that from nearly every conversation on TV or online to a degree that it's difficult for a young man to understand or find any kind of content that says be the man! Have a clear goal Know who you are and what you want. That is really the beating heart of masculinity, but yes know what she wants if you don't know what she wants how can you support her? How can you lift her up and then together knowing what you want as a family I call it family brand What are your brand values if you haven't worked in marketing or advertising before You might not have heard that term But if you think about a brand and its values

18:58 Think about Lucas Aid in the UK and Europe or Gatorade in America. Two famous brands that are associated with fitness, that are associated with sport, that are associated with health by their positioning These are the values and quite often you'll see Lucas Aid and GatorAid in an around schools, and education as well. So that's their values what are your brand values of family? Combined with where are you going, where is she going, and where is the family going That is the foundation of a solid family relationship Notice of course that's different to codependency and fixating

19:45 Codependency and fixating is where you let go of all your goals and values in order to try and fulfill everybody else's. And that's why you feel so crap! Communication, open and honest not withholding consistent and listening not fixing And I'll start at the end first. As men, it's very common that we want to fix stuff. You know our wife comes home and starts telling us something about the day she's had or...and what we instantly go into do is well i know what you should have done or what you should have said or here's how that could have gone they don't want to be told what to do they just want to be listened to and then that doesn't mean 100% of time there may be times where

20:33 They would like your input, but when you give it every single time that's annoying and when you give it when they didn't want it that is equally annoying. And of course as men we then go well screw you then if I'm trying to help and you don't want my help boom the touch paper is lit! So fixing versus listening The other thing about fixing is if we're looking to fix someone when they're talking to us, we're not really listening for what's going on. We're listening from the basis of finding a solution because we think that fixing this is going to be the ultimate thing and we are really helping them if we can fix it so we listen with the intention of fixing which means we aren't really listening. When you listen 100%

21:19 Coming from nothing, you get to experience the person completely and they get to experience you experiencing them completely. And that's a level of connection, a level of unspoken connection and intimacy that is really really powerful in your relationships. When it goes out the window because you're always trying to fix each other or when you try to fix them 100 times and they didn't want it so you replaced it with resentment there Intimacy in your listening. So powerful that, but also the open and honest and not withholding in relationships it's so common classic that we presume what the other person is going to say if we say this or we anticipate what they're gonna say if we ask that And so we don't say it We don't ask it And so imagine its pebbles on a beach

22:11 And you were to pick up every time you had that thought but didn't say it, every time you wanted to say something but kept in. If you picked up a pebble and you've been in their relationship now for three years eight years twelve years how much weight are you carrying around of withheld communication? So it's not open or honest when you withhold what you need to do is create a space and structure to be able to communicate effectively openly with each other I have a process called the Reconnection Conversation. And if you, um...I'll share it in the group later If you go to teamsuperdad.com forward slash group or if you simply comment reconnection on any of these lives, I'll endeavor to catch that and send you the reconnection process It's absolutely vital to have these moments where you acknowledge each other You express what your grateful for in the relationship and then you make a powerful request

23:08 This is a compass for relationship, for a healthy relationship. And the final part intimacy physical touch right going back to the five love languages physical touch is you know it's one of those five love languages but to be in a relationship where there's no intimacy and by physical touch right I don't mean always shagging It could be a kiss, it could be a passionate kiss. It could be holding hands. It could be a hug. It could be a deep hug like a hug where you stay connected longer than you normally would where you open your hands and really clasp them around her where you breathe all your air out and then slowly breathe back in and truly feel each other like

24:05 A minute, like see how long you can hug before it gets uncomfortable and then push through it. Go another 30 seconds if you're looking to reconnect with your partner have an embrace like that, that like you haven't done for so long It's not sexual, it's not with an intent, well there is an intent but the only intent is to connect and feel each other Laughter Laughter and romance, this is all part of intimacy as well. When you go back to the beginning of a relationship how much energy there is in getting to know each other? In having a good time? In sitting down and having a coffee and just chit-chatting? You know because when we get into a longer relationship We get into the mechanics of life And when we actually spend time sitting down...we talk shop!

24:59 We talk about the kids, we talk about work. We talk about money, we talk about like oh my gosh if that was a book or a movie would you want to watch it? Would you want to read it? Not at all not at all so intimacy is about keeping that connection alive Another phrase I learned in my trainings is about having a beginner's heart or a beginner's mind, like taking it back to zero. Like what would this day be like? What would this date be like? What were these trip to London for two Go to a, I don't mean boring museum. You know go and see an cool exhibition have a drink on the river go out see a show go out for some dinner afterwards you know have some cocktails end up in a club like that is a beginner's heart because why wouldn't you do that? That's how you fell in love why wouldn't you do it now or whatever version of yours that is so there are three elements for real men mastering their relationship

26:05 In addition to all that, you have to... going back to the beginning. You have to maintain your own space. Understand that your space is part of your masculinity, your fitness, your health, your friends, your social circle You know, it's nonsense that you have to ask permission to go the pub. It is also nonsense that you take the piss and go to the pub all time and come home pissed! Both of those things are nonsense but having a relationship where there is trust and respect and passion and energy... And YOU, A MAN clear on where your headed confident in your physical

26:50 health, like you don't feel bad when you stand there in the shower and wash your fat ass and gut. When you can run up the stairs when you can carry the shopping or the luggage without feeling like you're busting your back. A caveat for all those that have a backpack! You know? You have to maintain your own space and an important part of maintaining your own space is understanding that women will test you they will shit test you About what time this or why didn't you bring that home? Or how did you forget that those moments are not for you to get into a row. Those moments are for you to hold your masculine energy and

27:32 If you forgot to do something, okay sorry yeah I forgot to do that. Uh i realize the impact on you is this and I will... Do you know what? I'll go and get the milk now or I will make sure that happens tomorrow." That is you taking responsibility of the situation powerfully and that is you facing up to the shit test without succumbing to it feeling bad feeling oh she's always on my back oh she never thanks me she's never grateful she never this like bollocks to all that open honest communication Address it, be the man. Manage it and move forward with confidence and power into the next day don't hold on to it then carry around like one of those stones because I go back to that point The resentment and frustration you're feeling in your relationship is ultimately up to you It's your responsibility And that comes to the final point in all this Is that your relationship

28:30 It's not your life. It doesn't determine who you are, it's not the rest of your life. It's your relationship today. It is your responsibility to make the most of it today and be that person that is fueling and steering that but when its over...it IS over! And thats ok. I stayed in my marriage for too long It may have been appropriate to stay in it for that long because of how old our children were, because of my wife's health. Because of what I ultimately wanted but when things are truly broken if you've done everything that we've spoken about in this session today and you had that as a core part of your relationship and still it's not working

29:20 Then you have done what you needed to do and it is apparent from that, that this relationship has now broken down. That maybe you have parted gone separate ways that you aren't the people that thought or not thought you were. You aren't the people you were when you got into the relationship and now those two people don't fit It's okay. It's not easy to break up and I'm not saying just chuck the relationship away, but when you've worked hard... The two of you have worked hard with shared goals and values Open, honest communication. Intimacy is something you've spoken about acknowledged and worked on when still that's not working rather than drill into each other for years and years and create pain and emotional despair and mental breakdowns when it's over it's over

30:15 End it positively. Create a working structure, share the children be effective in your co-parenting relationship and move on first in life and then into a new relationship because we only get one chance at this that we were not put on this earth to suffer We were put on this earth to thrive. If you look at the average bird flying around, robins are a nice bird they're busy there's food being provided for them their structure for them to meet other birds and make babies There's places for them to fly in winter and be warm then they come back the situation has been reset ready for them God, The Universe whatever has set the play

31:01 For us to have fun, to thrive and to enjoy life. And if you're suffering and struggling for an extended period of time it is absolute bollocks! Be the man you need to be and the dad your family needs this is how you master how real men master their relationships You may have versions of this which suggests that everything I've just said isn't 100% true right? This is a framework. This is a framework that's part of the Team Superdad process, this is a framework where there are hundreds of others If you're in a religious context, Christian context I was part of a charismatic modern church and they had quite strong views let's be sure on what relationships should be and how they should work and what they should look like And some of it made sense and a large amount of it I think was a load of bollocks

32:01 They might say, well Jonnie it's pretty much most of what you just said except wrapped around a different...you know but set to put around a different wrapper. That's okay the reason I bring this up is that whatever version you have it should be as clear as this and it should be something that you're both aligned with because when you are both aligned with it that's when you can make it work So, Drop me some comments, let me know how this has gone for you. Bit of a longer one today no apologies that's the power of what we're up to in Team Superdad creating modern men creating strong powerful men who are leading through their life with fulfillment with confidence and strength and creating the life they desire not a life they feel stuck in I look forward to seeing you in the group teamsuperdad.com

33:04 And if there's anything you need, be sure to drop into the free discovery call teamsuperdad.com forward slash 15 call I can't wait to meet you, to serve you and have you be part of Team SuperDad! Enjoy the rest of the week wherever you are. I'll see you next time. Team SuperDad out This has been Team Superdad. Find us at teamsuperdad.com Join the program and create the best life ever for you and your children! You are not alone, you're on Team Superdad