How Real Men Master Their Relationships

00:01 Welcome to this week's Team Super Dad podcast, how real men master their relationships. This is for all men that want to make their relationship the bonus in their life, not their whole life. Roll thing. Welcome to Team Super Dad. Real dads creating their best lives ever. More time, more money, more fun. You are not alone. You're on Team Super Dad. Howdy, gang. Good to have you here. Yes, I'm Johnny Jensen. This is the Team Super Dad podcast.

00:41 We are here pretty much every week. We did have a couple of weeks where I couldn't get StreamYard working. But apart from that, it's been good. I set a plan to stick to it every week this year. So we're on season four of the Team Super Dad podcast. It's episode 17 of 2023. I'm now 49 since we saw you last week. And it's great to have you here. We are in sunny England. And yeah, Team Super Dad, the home of modern men. Most of us are midlife men. We're creating the life that we desire, not a life that we feel stuck in. And that means taking back control, living with focus and energy so you can really be the man you want to be and the dad your family needs.

01:24 As anybody who's been listening to the season four, we're going through the Team Super Dad power code methodology. And this is purpose, ownership, do the work, engage and reward the five key elements of creating the life that you want of being the man that actually wakes up with energy, manages themselves in an effective way, healthy, happy, financially stable, financially thriving, and having those relationships that really fill you up, both your friends, your family, your partner, your wife, you know, whatever sort of situation you find yourself in your relationship.

02:04 Too many men are being crushed by the weight of trying to create all of this, doing it on their own, or working really hard, thinking that's going to be the answer and then feeling absolutely destroyed when it isn't. There's lots of reasons. But it's more than anything because we're not being taught enough, guided enough. We're not working together enough to really understand what it is to be a modern man, what it is to own modern masculinity. So this week's episode, how real men master their relationships.

02:47 I can't say I got this right in most of my relationships. Am I getting it right now? Well, I do hope I'm getting it a lot better, right? A lot more than I was previously. Many men, right, men, we have relationships upside down. If you're in a successful relationship, then absolutely awesome. Kudos to you. It's my experience that that happens a bit more by luck than by design too often. And if we go backwards in time when religion was a much more constant, even dominant, shall we say, but a much more constant part in so many

03:31 people's lives around the world, whatever their faith may be, that church structure would have a lot more say in who we got married with. Still, in some countries, there's flipping arranged marriages, which do not always work. And curiously, sometimes really do. You know, it's possible that other people know more about what we need and what would make a good partner than we necessarily do, particularly when we're young. People said to me when I got engaged, brilliant, go for it. Yeah, so happy for you. Pat you on the back, shake your hand, have a drink. And there were a few people, a few select people who did say, I'm not sure that's the right person.

04:13 I'm not sure that's a good idea. And they weren't being mean to her. They weren't being mean to me. They just had some wisdom that I couldn't see, right? So the breakup, the rebuild, everything that's gone into that has created, there's such a lot of knowledge and learning that's gone into that process. And I'll share as I go through this some of the books that I've read. Not all of them, but a couple in particular. I'm not going to digest the books for you, but I am going to reference them so that you might go out and actually look to get them themselves.

04:51 In fact, I'll do that. I'll do that now so I don't forget. The five love languages. Absolutely amazingly brilliant, basic, short read. five lung languages. When you understand what your love language is and what your partner's love language is, then you get a clear understanding and appreciation of what they need more than anything out of that relationship. So, my, and you can, you know, you can kind of overlap into more than one area, but it's, I always going to get this wrong. Here we go. It's physical touch, it's acts of kindness, it's quality time, it's gifts, and it's one more

05:33 there. We go to acts of kindness, physical touch, quality time, gifts, and oh, words of affirmation. There we go, words of affirmation. So, you know, I know for me, mine are very much physical touch and pro quality time, definitely. I kind of, because you can have a few that go into there, but the real thing you notice is if you have a disconnect with the person you're in a relationship, if yours is quality time and theirs is gifts, well, blind me, you get that round the wrong way. And every time you bring them a present home, they're like, I don't really need that, I just want to spend time with you. And you're like, I just bought you this gift.

06:18 Why don't you love it? You know, so you can understand. And then resentment sets in, upset anyway. From anger to intimacy, a great book for married couples, really understanding how resentment festers, how disconnects happen in a relationship, that dissects arguments and where they come from. So from anger to intimacy, great book. And the most powerful book, probably one of the most powerful books. By the way, I've read loads, right? But these are just top three for you. The most powerful book that every man should read. And if a woman wants to really understand more about masculinity and men in relationships, then No More Mr.

07:00 Nice Guy by Dr. Richard Glover is absolutely the book. And a lot of what we're going to talk about today kind of leans on this. In fact, leans on all three of those. But let's get into it. Well, let me give some context as well. Three of my dad clients this week have and uh sorry two two new clients and one prospective client one one guy I was talking to about coming on board by the way if you want to be part of the team super dad community and the programs then header come over to teamsuperdad.com forward slash group that's our free group that will get you into the Facebook group that'll get you into the emails and the lives and other stuff that we do accountability Fridays and if you want to work find out how you can get on the power code program or work with me one-on-one then go to teamsuperdad.com forward slash 15 call

07:50 don't delay make it happen and if you are watching this give it some love let me know where you're at hit the hashtag replay comment on the live or of course subscribe and share the podcast so many men many men many men used to do that in my singing choir as a warm-up many men many men get relationships upside down right especially modern men who are trying to do the right thing here's the bizarre thing right the old way and men you know you watch the flipping loose women you know you watch those like panel shows with four women on um absolutely telling men how they should be and what they should do there's a place for that but it's too much of that has

08:36 happened where men have lost what it is to be a man we there is no definition really of modern masculinity unless you go out and look for it the old way right the old way in relationships men will go out to work do nothing around the house um probably go to the pub on the way home and and and get pissed and then come home expecting dinner expecting the wife to be grateful they've worked hard all day expecting some kind of sex and then expecting the whole thing to just kind of repeat the next day and and expect it to work right expect a degree of gratitude and here's the bizarre thing

09:16 that has a level of masculinity that when the right amount of respect is in place when the right amount of understanding and appreciation is is in place that that can actually work and when i explain why the modern way doesn't work that'll become clearer so the new way the modern way help out as much as we can work hard to be a dad clean the house help do the shopping um expect the wife to be grateful for all the help you're doing chase after her allow make sure she feels

09:53 wonderful basically do as much as you possibly can in the hope that the relationship will work, that you'll get great sex and that you'll be happy. This is the essence of nice guy syndrome, because when we do that at the, what's the word? When we kind of give up on ourselves, when we forego everything for ourselves in order to be that person, then that's when the relationship breaks down. And that is the like the curse of modern men is that they have given up too much of their selves in order, in expectation that the relationship is going to work.

10:32 So you can see when I'm saying the old way works, it's not really about being that selfish asshole, but it is about displaying a level of masculinity, a level of focus on yourself and commitment to yourself that creates a level of in some books, if you're reading, you know, masculinity books, you know, the blue pill, they can call it competition anxiety, where the woman feels a level at which you're still out of reach, you know, that you're still that she's got to keep putting the effort in to maintain your attention and

11:18 maintain the energy in the relationship. And when you think about that in a basic way, that makes sense, right? You want, and it's not just about male to female, right? As that might sound, but you want to create that level of competition anxiety, like in the relationship, where you both want a piece of each other constantly. It's when you don't want a piece of each other that the relationship will start to fall to pieces. It's where you anticipate and expect them to be there for you all the time. Like, well, of course they're going to be there. Why do I need to bother? That's one of the problems. So in many ways, for men, this has all come about through modern media and movies, you know, the Disney ending.

11:59 If I do this, then she'll do that and we'll be happy forever after. You know, but you know, a lot of old modern Disney movies, not necessarily if you start to pull them apart with the woke comb, but there is a level of masculinity in there that is attractive to not just the storyline, but to the woman in the movie. It's about recognizing our innate, our inner masculine energy and our inner feminine energy. And you can have a piece of both as a male, but it's understanding. And that's why you need to study it and be aware of it so that you have some control, not control, patriarchal control, but just so you have some, so you have some mastery of it so yourself, so you know how to wield it yourself.

12:48 And it's, and we're going to go into sort of pretty much what that means here today. So, first of all, it's not, you don't, you can't fixate on the relationship. The relationship, it should be a bonus in your life. It should be the piece that sits on top of everything that you've created for yourself. When you become fixated on the relationship, when you're head over heels in love, the Disney ending, we just think that it's all going to fall into place. But women fall out of love with men who have no substance. So, you know, when you stand for nothing, you fall for everything. And that, like, if you don't have a compass for yourself, then how can anyone get on board with that?

13:32 Like, you just become this flake who's serving around the house in the vain hope that it's all going to be, it's all going to, you know, work out. Aligned with that comes a level of codependency, working so hard to support the other person and maintain the relationship, or as can happen, fix the relationship that the moment it starts to go wrong, it's like, oh no, I've done all this and yet the relationship and it's still not working. So then we work harder. Okay, I've got to fix this. I've got to fix this. I've got to fix this. Working desperately harder to fix the relationship, to fix her, to help the children, to fix the school, to be there constantly.

14:15 But the problem gets worse. It doesn't get better. And then it's like resignation, desperation, and despair set in. Like, because if you're doing all this and it's not working, then what else can I do? And then you start to blame the other person. So, you know, before the blame even kicks in, if you're resigned and desperate and despairing, how attractive is that? As a way of being, as a, even if you, even if it's pushed down as a way of being, as a way of being around someone like that, that is flipping pathetic. You expect that to maintain a level of competition, anxiety, a level of passion and desire.

14:57 It's not. It's flaky and shit. And then, of course, resentment kicks in. And that's where the frustration levels and anger levels inside of relationships fester. And in regarding to two of my new clients and one of the conversations I have with a prospective client, that's what two of them are in their marriage. One of them's going through divorce. That's where it started. Taking responsibility for why is she being a bitch to me? Why is our relationship like this? If you scrape away at it all, I've done all this for her and now this.

15:41 If you go through, I've done all this for her, before you get to, and now she's done this, you have to notice this invisible layer of resentment. And if you could presume that some way, somehow she's experiencing that resentment, well, guess what? She's annoyed, confused, and pissed off at you. And that's where you can see your role in all this. So that's what goes on. As I said a moment ago, your relationship should be the bonus in your life, not your whole life. So if you read the show notes, we're now going to get into three areas where you can master your relationship, how real men can master their relationship.

16:24 So number one, goals and vision. It always starts with goals and vision, right? But it does. If you want to be fulfilled, then you have to have a clear idea of where you're headed and a sense that you're actively working on it. That is fulfillment. And it's the same inside of a relationship. If the relationship has no direction, if you don't know what you stand for, if you don't know what you both want, and all you're doing is getting up each day and, you know, washing your ass, eating the breakfast, getting the kids out of bed, working, coming home, eating, cleaning, falling back asleep, feeling bad you didn't have any sex, waking up next morning, even more pissed off. No wonder. No wonder. And by the way, there is a successful version of that as well, right?

17:08 Where people are really successful, but that kind of stuff is still happening. And so now it's just masked under all this money and holidays and nice cars. It's the same thing going on underneath. So knowing what you want, first and foremost, knowing what you want, being true to your values, being clear about where you're headed as a man in the world. You can't lose track of that. Not from day one, not from middle of the relationship, not from end of the relationship. It is up to you to have that compass. Then clearly, understanding your partner's goals and vision.

17:45 What does she want? Where's she headed? What will lift her up? You know, never before has this been so top of mind, so relevant, so important. But by the way, it has always been those things. It's just women and now the media and movies have, they're on board with it. The problem is that it's so sensitive and shocking that men have been thinking that for so long that now they've erased that from nearly every conversation on TV and online to the degree that it's difficult for a young man to understand or find any kind of content that says, be

18:27 the man, have a clear goal, know who you are and what you want. That is really at the beating heart of masculinity. But yes, know what she wants. If you don't know what she wants, how can you support her? How can you lift her up? And then together, knowing what you want as a family. I call it family brand. What are your brand values? If you haven't worked in marketing or advertising before, you might not have heard that term. But if you think about a brand and its values, think about LucasAid in the UK and Europe or Gatorade in America. Two famous brands that

19:05 are associated with fitness, that are associated with sport, that are associated with health by their positioning. These are the values. And quite often you'll see LucasAid and Gatorade in and around schools and education as well. So that's their values. What are your brand values as a family? So combined with where are you going, where's she going and where's the family going? That is the foundation of a solid family and relationship. Notice, of course, that's different to codependency and fixating. fixating.

19:46 Codependency and fixating is where you let go of all your goals and values in order to try and fulfill everybody else's. And that's why you feel so crap. Communication. Open and honest. Not withholding. Consistent. And listening, not fixing. And I'll start at the end first. As men, it's very common that we want to fix stuff. Our wife comes home and starts telling us something about the day she's had. And what we instantly go into do is, well, I know what you should have done or what you should have said. Or here's how that could have gone.

20:25 They don't want to be told what to do. They just want to be listened to. And that doesn't mean 100% of the time. There may be times where they would like your input. But when you give it every single time, that's annoying. And when you give it when they didn't want it, that is equally annoying. And of course, as men, we then go, well, screw you then if I'm trying to help. You don't want my help. Boom. The touch paper is lit. So fixing versus listening. The other thing about fixing is if we're looking to fix someone, when they're talking to us, we're not really listening for what's going on.

21:04 We're listening from the basis of finding a solution because we think that fixing this is going to be the ultimate thing. We're going to really help them if we fix it. So we listen with the intention of fixing, which means we're not really listening. When you listen 100%, coming from nothing, you get to experience the person completely and they get to experience you experiencing them completely. And that's a level of connection, a level of unspoken connection and intimacy that is really, really powerful in your relationships. And when it goes out the window because you're always trying to fix each other, or when you try to fix them 100 times and they didn't want it, so you replaced it with resentment, there is no

21:47 intimacy in your listening. So powerful that. But also the open and honest and not withholding. In relationships, it's so common, classic, that we presume what the other person's going to say if we say this, or we anticipate what they're going to say if we ask that. And so we don't say it. We don't ask it. And so imagine it's pebbles on a beach and you were to pick up every time you had that thought but didn't say it, every time you wanted to say something but kept it in. If you picked up a pebble and you've been in a relationship now for three years, eight years, 12 years, how much weight are you carrying around of withheld communication?

22:28 So it's not open or honest when you withhold. What you need to do is create a space and a structure to be able to communicate effective and openly with each other. I have a process called the reconnection conversation. And if you I'll share it in the group later. If you go to teamsuperdad.com forward slash group or if you simply comment reconnection on any of these lives, I'll endeavor to catch that and send you the reconnection process. But it's absolutely vital to have these moments where you acknowledge each other, you express what you're grateful for in the relationship, and then you make a powerful request. This is a compass for a relationship, for a healthy relationship.

23:15 And the final part, intimacy. Physical touch. Going back to the five love languages, physical touch is one of those five love languages. But to be in a relationship where there's no intimacy, and by physical touch, right, I don't mean always shagging. It could be a kiss. It could be a passionate kiss. It could be holding hands. It could be a hug. It could be a deep hug, like a hug where you stay connected longer than you normally would, where you open your hands and really clasp them around her, where you breathe all your air out and then slowly breathe back in and truly feel each other, like a minute, like, or see how long you can hug before it

24:08 gets uncomfortable and then push through it. Go another 30 seconds. If you're looking to reconnect with your partner, have an embrace like that, like you haven't done for so long. It's not sexual. It's not with an intent. It's just, well, there is an intent, but the only intent is to connect and feel each other. Laughter. Laughter and romance. This is all part of intimacy as well. When you go back to the beginning of a relationship. relationship how how much energy there is in in getting to know each other in in having a good time in sitting down and having a coffee and just chit-chatting you know because when we get in into a longer relationship we get into the mechanics of life and when we actually spend time

24:56 sitting down we we talk shop we talk about the kids we talk about work we talk about money we talk about like oh my gosh if that was a book or a movie would you want to watch it would you want to read it not not at all not at all so intimacy is about keeping that connection alive another phrase i learned in my um trainings is about having a beginner's heart or a beginner's mind like taking it back to zero like what would this day be like what would this date be like what would this trip to london for to to

25:34 go to a uh i don't mean a boring museum you know go and see a cool exhibition um have a drink on the on the river go out uh see a show go out for some dinner afterwards to go you know have some cocktails and end up in a club like that is a beginner's heart because why wouldn't you do that well that's how you fell in love why wouldn't you do it now or whatever version of yours that is so there are three elements for real men mastering their relationship in addition to all that you have to you know going back to the beginning you have to maintain your own space understand that your space is part of your masculinity your fitness your health your your

26:20 friends your social circle you know it's it's nonsense that you have to ask permission to go to the pub it's also nonsense that you take the piss and go to the pub all the time and and come home come home pissed i mean that that's there's that both of those things are nonsense but having a relationship where there's trust and respect and passion and energy and you are a man clear on where you're headed confident in your physical uh health like you're not in you don't feel bad when you stand there in the shower and wash your fast ass and gut when you can run up the stairs when you can carry the shopping or the luggage

27:00 without feeling like you're busting your back a caveat for all those that have a bad back um you know you you have to maintain your own space and an important part of maintaining your own space is understanding that women will test you they will shit test you about what time this or why didn't you bring that home or how did you forget that those moments are not for you to get into a row those moments are for you to hold your masculine energy if you forgot to do something okay sorry yeah i forgot to do that uh i realize the impact on you is this and i will you know what i'll go and get i'll go and get the milk now or i will make sure that that happens tomorrow that is you taking responsibility of the situation powerfully

27:47 and that is you facing up to the shit test without succumbing to it feeling bad feeling oh she's always on my back oh she never she never thanks thanks me she's never grateful she never this like bollocks to all that open honest communication address it be the man manage it and move forward with confidence and power into the next day don't hold on to it and carry it around like one of those stones because i go back to that point the resentment and frustration you're feeling in your relationship is ultimately up to you it's your responsibility and that

28:26 comes to the final point in all this is that your relationship does not is not your life it doesn't determine who you are it's not the rest of your life it's your relationship today it's your responsibility to make the most of it today and to be that person that is um that is fueling and steering that but when it's over it is over and that's okay now i stayed in my marriage for too long it may have been appropriate to stay in it for that long because of how old our children were because of my wife's health because of what i ultimately wanted but when it's when things are truly broken if you've done everything that we've spoken about in this session today and you've had that as a core part of

29:15 your relationship and still it's not working then you have done what you needed to do and it is apparent from that that this relationship is now has now broken down that maybe you have parted gone separate ways that you aren't the people that that you thought you were were or not thought you were. You aren't the people you were when you got into the relationship. And now those two people don't fit. It's okay. It's not easy to break up. And I'm not saying just chuck the relationship away. But when you've worked hard, the two of you have worked hard with shared goals and values, open, honest communication, intimacy, something you've spoken about, acknowledged, and worked on.

29:58 When still that's not working, rather than drill into each other for years and years and create pain and emotional despair and mental breakdowns, when it's over, it's over. End it positively. Create a working structure. Share the children. Be effective in your co-parenting relationship and move on first in life and then into a new relationship. Because we only get one chance at this. We were not put on this earth to suffer. We were put on this earth to thrive. If you look at the average birds flying around, robins are a nice bird.

30:42 They're busy. There's food being provided for them. There's structure for them to meet other birds and to make babies. There's places for them to fly in the winter and be warm. Then they come back. The situation has been reset, ready for them. God, the universe, whatever has set the play for us to have fun, to thrive and to enjoy life. And if you're suffering and struggling for an extended period of time, it is absolute bollocks. Be the man you need to be and the dad your family needs. This is how you master how real men master their relationships.