Getting Divorced Is Tough. Being Divorced Should Be Great.

00:00 Divorce does not end your life, it simply ends your marriage and too many men let the experience take them down. It's unnecessary, it's almost cliched and I'm here to tell you today that getting back on your feet in less time with fewer mistakes and more fun is exactly the high value man way to get over your divorce. Roll theme! Welcome to The Jonnie Jensen Show, where modern dads discover how to create the true riches relationships and results they deserve. Get your High Value Man Blueprint and join our community at highvaluemanproject.com Let's go!

00:44 Hello men, welcome back to The Jonnie Jensen Show. Today's episode we're going to be looking at breaking down in fact the divorce process like rebuilding yourself in as quick a time as possible after your breakup or after the end of your marriage There is a number of reasons why men allow this experience to absolutely take them down, to have too great an impact on their life. That's not say it's easy that is without doubt and understatement right? Getting divorced is traumatic. It's a grieving process which we'll get into

01:24 It really is about having everything that you cherished taken away from you, but it is something that we can grow through. It is an experience that we can learn from and if we can learn from things surely it can have us be a better man, have us be a better dad out of the process. And that's what I'm going to break down for you today If you're new to the show, then welcome. My name is Jonnie Jensen I am the founder and the head coach at The High Value Man Project. We are a program and community for modern dads for midlife men who are looking to create the same success at home as they have at work

02:04 Because success without happiness really isn't success. And if you have problems at home, if you're struggling in your personal life, if you're not showing up as the man and dad you want to be then it doesn't matter what you do, It will start to impact! It will start to pull you down and the world needs men to be thriving. The world needs good strong charismatic men who are up to stuff in the world, Who have their voice, Who are willing and able to make a stand for what matters No more flaky, pushover, burnt out, distraught, stressed, depressed suicidal men. No! And it starts by understanding how our brain and bodies work? How important our connections and relationships are and critical

02:54 My dad would say the most important thing is, are you having enough fun? Is the experience of living on this rock flying through space a worthy endeavor. Are you tearing the ass out of this life that you've been given and I bloody hope so which is what we're here to address Now, divorce is a distinctly challenging time. So I'm not here to make it out that it's less of a thing and it's important to say up front that there might be some Aspects of this, which you might find quite challenging. There might be some mental health or depression sides of it, which you may choose to go and get some additional support for, or you can come and get that support inside the High Value Man Project but don't be triggered by this stuff. And if you do as a result of listening to it find yourself in a difficult place reach out to a mate, reach out

07:10 Getting divorced is shit, being divorced is great. I love that line. I don't know where I heard it first but probably on some stupid meme somewhere before but it really is true you know most people's relationships they don't just end overnight It's not like one catastrophic thing that happens and you might be telling yourself it's that like if someone had an affair and they dropped it on you and you had no idea But seriously Whilst I can't guarantee that some of you haven't been totally side-blinded, side blinded? Is that the word? Broadsided. Blindsided by it! If you are a hundred percent honest if you take 100% responsibility for the situation you will be able to see areas or aspects of the relationship that had been allowed to lose their energy lose their spark and that's what i'm talking about responsibility It takes a lot to keep a relationship going

08:11 And that's for the ones that work. For other relationships, you may have found yourself accidentally married to the wrong person. Personally speaking, that was me! No slight on the woman I married we were very in love and she was awesome but the experience of being married to each other wasn't great compatible in many ways and so when the relationship naturally comes to an end it can and should be a relief Not that you aren't allowed to grieve for the loss, not that it's easy to be separated from your kids or break up the family home or impact across your finances or anything else that might happen. But being with a person who are not compatible with is not a good move. You wouldn't put on a pair of shoes that were completely the wrong size and try and walk around in them for a day let alone 20 years!

09:11 And I could come up with lots of other metaphors like that. Some of them funny, some of them more painfully obvious but the grieving process is a real thing you know it's a chemical response inside of our body that messes with us quite frankly. You know we're separated from the people that we love most there's the habit and the routine of our home and our security in our comfort and our normality So, and then there's the expectation. The commitment, the promise maybe that's deeply tuned into your values either your personal values or perhaps they're your religious values so getting divorced can totally compromise every aspect of your value system and the life that you've come to love And on top of that it normally comes at the end of a particularly stressed and strained period of time

10:07 Back to that point about very few relationships happen with a click of the fingers overnight. They come at the end of a lot of suffering and struggle and pain, stress and emotional drama arguments sleeping on the couch or getting into a lonely bed you share with someone like it's painful! It's horrible! And nobody should have to put up with that You wouldn't openly choose and go and live in a crappy jail with scary people who threatened you. And like, it was just... you wouldn't do it! But yet we stay because we said I do and we're till death to us part? No but the point about the grieving process is to lose all those things

10:51 It sends our body into a crazy, like turbulence. A thunderstorm. I can't get my words out today! Like a tornado it literally picks everything up shakes it all around and then throws it back on the floor The grieving cycle has got six stages. Let's just bring this up show me the six grieving stages I always get these round the wrong way and they're not actually round the wrong way. They're spoken as, as a cycle but they can come up in any random order

11:27 As you go through the reasoning part of it, as you then go into... It's just going to come up here for me now. But you can go into upset, you can go into anger, you can go into elation or even hysteria but you could see what happens one minute you're completely down and thinking you've lost everything another minute you can flip into oh what a relief I'm glad that I'm free of that and I'm moving forward so don't think Don't tell yourself. As you're getting through this, here they come. Right! All six. Denial – This isn't really happening or minimizing how much it hurts. Anger – At her, at the situation, at yourself or how unfair it feels. Bargaining – What if I'd done X differently? Like a continuous loop like going over and over and replaying scenarios and thinking oh I should have said this or I should have done that or trying to negotiate a way back. That's crazy

12:28 Depression, the flat heavy low energy stretch once the reality actually lands like how am I ever going to get my life back in order? And then into acceptance. Not being okay with what happened but just no longer resisting it or fighting those negative feelings and then into meaning not meaning in the loss itself like there isn't any meaning But in the me, like it doesn't mean anything about you. Like there's not like your this because your relationship is over but the meaning is in what it taught you. Like if this was supposed to happen for a reason what have I got from it? Who has allowed you to become how can you use that experience from here and the interesting thing about

13:15 The Six Steps of Grieving and this is called, this is the Kubler-Ross process which David Kessler added a sixth to in 2019. I first came face to face with this process as i was rebuilding myself, as i was coming to terms with what i was going through. And unfortunately i didn't come face-to-face with this at the beginning of the process, i came with it some years down the line so in hindsight i was able to look back and see it for what it was by that point of course i was at acceptance and meaning But if I'd known this when I was in it, it would have helped me understand that some days I could have woken up hungry and distraught. And other days I could've woken up really relieved and excited. In the middle of those days you can drift into denial or depression simply by love songs on the radio where you see something on TV that reminds you and you just drift suddenly back into that place but

14:16 Understand that is pretty much your mind and heart playing tricks on you. Because the reality is, the reality is that you probably had run... That the relationship would probably run its course. You weren't getting on and you are better off without them. You will be able to perform better in work. You will be a better dad. You will be able to enjoy your social life and the things that you like doing true to yourself no longer compromising So how do we get access to that? Now, no surprise if you listen to the podcast regularly that we get access to that through The High Value Man System for Living. This is literally our coaching framework that we operate from and I created this off of the back of two things. One's 25 years of personal development across all manner books and courses and programs and organizations

15:12 And then the second part was living the experience, living the experience of wrestling with financial troubles. Wrestling with marriage problems, wrestling with my brother's suicide, wrestling with my own burnout and breakdown and then hitting rock bottom and putting myself back together. The clarity courage and commitment that took doing it and then looking at it and realizing Anyone could do this. What one man can do, any man can do is the power of The High Value Man Project. So clarity inside of clarity is you it's your clear picture of life is the man that you naturally are on your own no compromises to the values, your commitments, your strengths, your passions even your weaknesses

16:02 When we're in a relationship, at the best of times we make a lot of compromises. We let go of a few things and we pick up some of hers and we adjust this kind of couple's way of looking at it... I'm not sure that those things are necessarily that healthy The Jonnie Jensen Show, Jonnie Jensen, High Value Man Scorecard, highvaluemanproject.com And a damaged relationship is normally as a result of, a man in particular but quite possibly a woman as well. A lot of women's coaches I know and a lot of female programs they have similar elements around identity, around following your passions but clarity about who you are and what you want, what you stand for because at ground zero when you've had everything else stripped away

17:06 It is really all we've got. That's why it's such an important part of the message because even outside of these tough times, We don't want our identity to be our work or to be her or the marriage or the kids or our identity should be us so if any of those creak or get damaged, we're still able to show up with still strong and present and charismatic confident That's the absolute vital element of clarity that so many men are missing and it's why so many men feel shit. It's possible that your marriage breakdown could even have been as a result of you giving up who you were and what you were passionate about, losing the spark for life but losing the spark in yourself, the spark that other people can count on. So in the breakup, as you're rebuilding yourself

17:58 Get truly clear and excited for what it is that's coming next in the midst of nothing, which might be the case. Or you could just have had a shitload to start with and now you've got half of it well half of its better than nothing! The freedom that you can and should have outside of that relationship is powerful. It's infinite even... And then declaring this Getting the people around you, being confident enough to start talking about it. To share it, to be energized about what's going on, to be energized about where you're moving towards. You don't have to have it in order to feel excited about it and in fact that's many ways of failing men in these situations is that we think oh I can't be happy until I've got this this and this but if that's the complete opposite way of how it should be

18:51 You bring the being in order to create the thing that you want. So your confidence, your energy, your drive, your positivity, your joy, your peace...You can bring those as ways of being to your everyday life when you've got nothing or when you're still rebuilding. If on the other hand who you're being is angry and frustrated and desperate and depressed and lonely and resentful And your being isn't that great. It's not nice to be around, you're creating an experience because other people are reflecting that back onto you. You're creating and experience of life is shit because of this thing that's happened. You literally lock yourself into the room of despair based on your version of events based on how you think you should feel as a result of this so your being

19:51 You link it to your clear vision of what you're creating and that's where you find your energy and drive for it. So then next up is courage, courage in terms of the breakup has got a number of different shades to it we touched on one of them about responsibility having the courage to look at what you can be responsible for did the relationship lose its spark were you available? Did you over commit to work? What was it like to be in a relationship with you That kind of awareness and self audit is vital in order for you to learn about what it's going to take to create a healthy relationship next time. The stats around second marriages failing are worse than first marriages, and that's because a lot of men take their upset and grief on top of the poor behavior that helped to ruin the first marriage into the second one. So it's no surprise the second one doesn't stand a chance

20:47 But it starts with this like, Oh yeah! We're going to be happy. We're going to create this. It's gonna be exciting. You've got the euphoria of finding someone new and starting afresh but then as soon as that energy you know like a rocket, like a booster rocket, as soon as the fuel from that booster rocket runs out you just left with the garbage that you were running the previous show on. That's crazy right? So the courage is seeing that And if you're interested in learning more about the Jonnie Jensen Show, please check out my podcast.

21:36 If you're going through any difficult time, and it kind of leans into the idea of having good mentors around your masterclass. But particularly around divorce and breakup having your fab four is critical and you want it to be for people Four people who've got your back. Ideally four people who have some experience of this situation as well, people that know you really well it's possible particularly around divorce that one of those might be a woman so you're getting a female perspective on it when you create your fab 4 you let them know this is who you are they're asking you guys to support me in this don't worry you're not the only one I'd like it to be you because

22:20 So you put it out there like an invitation, not as a pressure but just can you have my back in this regard? Mine was my brother Colin Rob and Errol. And female... who was my female one? I think there was a couple actually, couple of people. Oh yeah! I could think their names i'm just not going to say them live on here Because sometimes you're going to be crying, sometimes you're going to be needy. Like the old airplane movie not everyone's gonna want to listen to your story over and over again and so the Fab Four will hold you to account in that regard and set you straight. So yeah they are your mentors they're your advisors their your backup your support group with that in place around courage comes another aspect of letting go actually letting go if your ex

23:13 And there's an incredible exercise which is available inside the High Value Man Basecamp. If you go to highvaluemanproject.com forward slash group, that will let you into the free level which we call base camp of our community and the soul cutting exercises in there as a tool or you can just message me comment on any... Just send me a message DM me comment whatever I'll give you the soul cutting or the Cutting Soul Ties Exercise Letting that person go, but not letting them go in a screw you kind of way. But truly acknowledging them cherishing them like I said about my ex when we got together it was awesome! When we walked down the aisle the whole kinda best day in my life cliche It was absolutely phenomenal A church full of people I loved Beautiful ceremony an incredible party afterwards Just an epic epic occasion

24:12 Who am I to dog all over that simply because it didn't work out alright? And When you cut soul ties, it's about this emotional connection. This deep, deep like the deepest bond possible that you've created with someone often through sex or for having children but it can be through a business connection like some people say when you've been in a band together, that level of intermeshing intertwining of two people's lives So, when it is your ex the four steps of the process are number one calling them out like who's this for? You're going to let them know. This is a soul cutting exercise.

25:04 By the way, it does have some religious background. Okay? That's where I first heard about this but then when I researched it cuts across lots of different cultures and even if you don't have any kind of faith, it makes sense that you proactively declare what you had why you enjoyed it what your letting go off and what this means for the future which is basically the steps of it And you do this out of generosity Because if every time you think of that person, you've got some sort of heartache or anger or whatever the feeling might be. You want to come from it ideally from just a pleasant thought or possibly even better from nothing just so that was fun whilst it lasted

25:53 So yeah, we're going to call out who it's for. Then the gratitude like what did you really get out of it? What was really wonderful about your experience and time with that person? What about the children that were created? However hard you have to look there is going to be some fun times otherwise you really were an idiot for getting together with them Then next up is the apology. If you can see anything inside of a relationship that you need to acknowledge, that you need to apologize for and need as in YOU are deciding that you need too then put that out there. I had the arsehole with you for this many years or I shouted at you during our relationship or I let things deteriorate to this level. You're not necessarily going to tell them they don't have to know anything about this soul cutting exercise

26:39 It's about a declaration to yourself and then comes the letting go, like acknowledging what this creates the space for in the future. I want you to be happy. I want you to find someone who honors and cherishes you. I want us to co-parent effectively. I want us to be able to deal with difficult times without descending into arguments again. Why? Because I see our future like this. I see our children thriving, this is the new chapter! I see us at their wedding having a drink together and being happy about it that might sound bonkers and insane and she might be the most vicious arsehole in the world but it doesn't mean you have to buy into that or engage in it even if its ridiculous to even think of the possibility of you getting on as possible

27:29 It's a way healthier, way better feeling to hang on to than the screw you. It doesn't have a hold over you anymore and that's why the soul cutting exercise is so powerful and so vital I've seen miracles come of this and people go oh miracles what like walk-on water type miracles do you know i've seen some bonkers things i've seen people People I work with as a result of giving them this exercise have promotions in work, of meet someone and fall in love. Of some kind of debt or money problem or thing that was hanging over them get removed, get magic to way and I believe it's because the energy and the toxicity and the confused emotions that go around

28:18 And by the way, there's so many more elements to all of this. Okay? But we're wrapping it into a 40 minute podcast here so you have to understand that To get through a divorce in less time with fewer mistakes and more fun is all of these things. And most importantly, it's your outlook and attitude on it because more stuff's going to happen, things that might even be a surprise but if you're coming into it with this level of peace, this level of new energy and excitement for your future then there's really nothing about the breakup that will derail you and pull you back down that hole

29:09 Which brings us to commitment. What does the best version of you look like? Let this be your defining moment, like the reboot. It is possibly true that as a result of all that's happened, you are at ground zero. This is literally the start line of the next chapter. Whatever metaphor works for you it shouldn't be glorious and perfect. It shouldn't be predefined. You know, you watch Elon's biggest, most powerful rocket get ready to take off and fly into space. But how many other hundreds? And some of them have actually seen on TV right have exploded virtually before they even left the launch pad! It's okay that you're at day one the launch pad but the commitment is recognizing what it's going to take

30:08 You can't jump to, we're going to Mars and nothing else is gonna matter. No! It's like what are the steps that it's gonna take? What is at stake if you don't do it getting really clear about that as a result of a breakup? Like what's at stake If you don't turn your life around, if you don't create something new and brilliant or your happiness for starters, what's it gonna be like to live like this broken and miserable? It can be awful probably end up topping yourself What's that going to be like for your kids? To have a dad who is completely burnt out, miserable run down not fun to be around. Well like it or not kids only have a degree of tolerance for that before they go oh bollocks to this I'm just gonna get on my own life! A self-fulfilling prophecy where you get to be right that everybody leaves you all you don't understand it's not fair No if you're not fun to be around no one's gonna want to be around you so then you have a look at what the gap

31:09 The gap between where I am now and where I want to get to. And what's it going to take to fill that gap? Well, first of all, What's it gonna be like at that end destination? This draws a degree on clarity but what does it look like? What have I got around me? Who's there with me? What's it taken to get there? You actually deconstruct the picture and then start to feel like Again, if we go with the Elon and the Mars thing. Like what did it take to build that rocket? What kind of air systems? What kind of fuel systems? What kind of computer navigation systems? What were the pieces that had to come together in order for this thing to look like it is over here because that's the gap you're filling in the stepping stones who've done it before now maybe this is the fab four yeah I spoke about how did they get through this what did they put in place

32:07 Having a look yourself, like are you fit? Are you healthy? Are you sleeping right? Is your bed good? Have you got a nice place to live? No I haven't got a nice place to live Jonnie. We just broke up what the... You know that's okay but how can you piece it together? Can you give the crappy small flat a lick of paint? Can you have friends round so you fill the empty space with laughter and joy? Like things don't have to be perfect to be good In fact, things don't have to be perfect to be great. You get to declare that because when that energy and momentum is put in place you start to move forward. It's the consistent compound leverage of lots of small wins taking you towards the result that you want to get to getting really clear about what it is that you're up to

32:54 Putting the people around you, identifying what's at stake if you don't have it. Seeing what the outcome looks like and what you'll have with it and then deconstructing it and starting to backfill those steps. And taking you back to the point I made in the beginning about minimum viable output... It's okay to be on your ass right now but is what's going to take step by step piece by piece? Letting the people around you know, whether it's a business partner or manager or whatever your work life looks like. Let them know that you're screwed right now but also reassure them that you're the kind of man who is up to stuff and working on this and acknowledging it You can expect me to be getting better at checking in with you and letting you know how its going to go What do I need from myself for all this to be okay?

33:49 That's being responsible for the situation. And then you can see what else is on the back of it, okay? What do you need when I'm going to need to be fit and healthy? I'm gonna need to have some money. I'm gonna need to make sure I've got time with my kids when my kids aren't here. I'm gonna need to make sure I'm busy so I'm not miserable. Who are the friends you haven't seen? What other hobbies and interests that you like doing? What something new that you could pick up that would fill a hole? I joined a singing choir for nearly a year was bloody brilliant And then one day I realized it's kind of not as much fun as it was, or not doing as much for me as it was when I first started. And so I knocked it on the head my commitment to my ex is that we get along what that has done for me is given me freedom to find new ways of managing her comments to me and the way things can be challenging sometimes. I'm not reactive to it. I am at peace with it when I choose to be in control myself. So you see

34:51 It's about being the master, about being the captain of the ship. About being in control of yourself that fundamentally is the definition of commitment and then you do the reps. You can't get impatient. You can't be upset about things not being the way they were. You just have to stand in faith I'm going to start with a quote from the book, The Jonnie Jensen Show. It's about faith that you at your best, you in a forward moving momentum are gonna create the results that you desire and how do we know this? Because if you're like most men at this moment in time, you will have so many reference points of succeeding in your life. The fact that you can walk and talk

35:42 Page, you're alive at whatever age you are. These are all wins! It's just that in this crazy world and this existence in this machine that we live in, we somehow focus on the good stuff, the tough stuff, the broken things, the hard times and if you're not careful use them as justification of oh, this is the way it is see I told you no, its absolute bollocks Because it's not, it's positive. Like oh cross our legs and fold our hands together and think positive stuff and it's all going to work out. It's an element of that in mastering our mindset. And then it's the behaviors like a way of being, and then the actions in place behind it that take us towards the results

36:29 So when I say getting over your divorce in less time with fewer problems or fewer mistakes and more fun, that is literally the recipe. Less time that is managing yourself, your wellness and everything we've talked about there what you're reading, what you're watching, what you're eating, fewer mistakes who are you learning from? What people have you put around you? What clangers are you dropping in work or when you got the kids or things like that obvious stuff And then more fun, literally does what it says on the tin. It's almost impossible to be upset and angry whilst laughing so make sure you've got plans to look forward to and memories to look back on. Bring the joy! Divorce is a lived experience. You can let it break you or you could let it make you another kind of cheesy cliche around that is don't get bitter get better take it on the chin

37:30 Let it be something that you've learned from, because what got you here today. You had to go through in order to become the man you are tomorrow and in equal terms the knowledge that got you here today won't be enough for where you want to get too so you have to learn this and then going out and find some more to create this next level. Life is a leveling up exercise. That is The High Value Man principle The What we need as men to thrive isn't different. Whether we're burnt out, whether our marriage is struggling or whether we're rebuilding after divorce the system for creating this strong confident present charismatic father and man is the same but if you are going through the divorce, if you are rebuilding after breakup then there's certain conversations certain levels of awareness that will accelerate you through that

38:50 You're not on your own, you're not the first guy and you can get over this. In fact you can be better for it! Getting divorced is shit being divorced should be great Please like and share this podcast with as many other men in your life. Anyone who's in this moment, it's divorce moment get this shared with them I hope is landed well. I've shared some of my personal experiences and I hope I've shared with you some of the theories and methodologies that give you access to that Go and get your high value man score because not only will it highlight for you where you're winning and where you're leaking your energy, connection enjoy. But it'll also become your pathway into either the Forge group program was called Accelerate we've now renamed it Forge or into Elite One-on-One I take on three elite guys per month maximum And would love for you to be one of them

39:49 Highvaluemanproject.com forward slash score that will get you in there, it's free. It takes a couple of minutes and it's bloody brilliant! And finally, once you've liked and shared this be sure to give me a little review. I need more reviews! Uh...I keep asking and i'm gonna have to get more tactical about it or buy them which of course is uh has no integrity is absolutely uncouth and i'm not about to do that but i would love it nonetheless thank you for listening it's been an absolute pleasure as always to be here for you i'll see you next week let's go Thanks for tuning in to The Jonnie Jensen Show. Be sure to subscribe, leave a review and share it with fellow dads! Creating the life you deserve starts with YOU. Get your High Value Man Blueprint and join our community of motivated modern dads at highvaluemanproject.com Let's go