Man Up: The Three-Step Process to Finding Your Purpose

00:00 Man up, dudes. That phrase, that's not the problem. Using it as a weapon is the problem, but the impulse behind it, men taking back who they are, men claiming their masculinity is exactly right. And the 3XE formula is my system for doing that. Let's get into it. Roll theme. Welcome to the Johnny Jensen Show, where modern dads discover how to create the true riches, relationships, and results they deserve. Get your high value man blueprint and join our community at highvalumanproject.com.

00:40 Let's go. Hello, man. Welcome back to the Johnny Jensen show. It's great to have you here. I am Johnny, the founder and head coach of the High Value Man Project. We are a program and community for modern dads, men who want to create the same success at home as they have at work, as they say, family men with businesses, not the other way around. And today's show is all about that lovely expression, man up, and the flack that that term gets. This is inspired by a LinkedIn post, which I happen to comment on this week. It's a theme I love to come back to because it's so important to me because actually it digs into masculinity and not masculinity like, you know, red pill tate type stuff.

01:27 Masculinity, like important to you, important to me. It's about the man in the mirror. It's about you being who you believe yourself to be. Like real depth of purpose and drive and charisma. Like, like I said, really being the man and dad that you want to be. And it's the absence of that that is the problem for so many men in the world today. I don't know how you found the show, whether you're a longtime listener or a first tier watcher even, because we're on YouTube and now Apple and Spotify both got their videos. But I want you to go and subscribe, please. This means that you get the latest episode of the podcast when it comes out.

02:10 It also means that you're more tuned in to the work we're doing at the High Value Man Project. So if you're committed to being the, it's flipping, sounds wank saying that, that best version of yourself, because what does that actually mean? But if you're committed to creating the life that you desire rather than one that you feel stuck in, being the man and dad that you want to be, actually tearing the ass out of this life that we've been given the opportunity to live on this rock, fulfilling your potential and achieving your dreams, that's what we're up to. Because what else would we be doing for 80 odd years? Like that's, that's the essence of this chance we've been given. So share it. And also, really important, because it'll be a massive help to me, is give us a review.

02:54 I have a pathetic amount of reviews on both Apple Podcasts and Spotify. And it's so easy to give one. So just go. It's easiest on the mobile, you know, get to the show, click the dots, click the bell, subscribe, leave a review, and then share this with other men in your world because that's how we spread the message. That's how we make sure that we're holding the men around us accountable. We all know someone. Maybe it's been you at some times and now you're through the other side, but we know someone who's like living a four out of ten life and it's just not what we're here to do. So, oh, and a great way for you to start that process, to start that journey, to understand what the high value man principle for life, the system for life is, is to go and take the scorecard.

03:39 Go to highvalumanproject.com forward slash score. This scorecard is epic. It'll ask you a set of questions which are structured around the system for living that I've created. And then it will give you a score back on where you're showing up or where you're leaking your energy connection and joy, right? It's super quick, takes a couple of minutes. You get a fully personalized response back. And it really is your touch, touch point, touch paper, touch. What's that expression? Like when you light the firework? Yeah, it kicks everything off, right? So highvalumanproject.com forward slash score. Man up. I actually love this expression, right? But the problem that happens with it is it gets used like a weapon.

04:24 It gets used as abuse. Oh, man up, dude. You know, telling a kid who's crying, man up. You know, I've got to be honest. There's even a place for that, if I could be so bold, when we're talking to a boy, right? But you've got to know who you're talking to. You've got to be using it in a way that's going to motivate and inspire them rather than push them down. Okay. Today's episode is about how do we capture the essence of that? If we're going to say to someone, man up, or if you're going to have the experience yourself of, I need to man up here. Like, how do I grab life by the balls? How do I step up? up? How do I show up? How do I embrace life? How do I not be shit?

05:06 Like, that's what we're really talking about here, that expression, man up. It's like a rallying cry. It's not an attack. The damage isn't the words, it's the intent. Like when you speak it over someone, if it's done with frustration, if it's done as, well, yeah, that's that classic picture, isn't it, of the, of the kid, you know? It's very, very difficult to say to someone whose masculinity, whose inner sense of identity is something softer, right? If you're going to say man up, like he's got to go and be tough, that's not what it's about. It's not about being something you're not. It's exactly the opposite of that, in fact. It's about truly becoming the man that you're meant to be, truly becoming that boy that believes in himself and can take on the world.

05:52 So when you set it like that, it leaves someone with the question of, okay, great. How do I do it? Like, that sounds cool. I want it, but how do I do it? And that's the upset for a lot of people is that their experience is, I don't know how to get it. I'd like it, but I don't know how to get it. I want the relationship and my dreams, but I'm stuck in this one and I don't know what to do. I want to be stronger. I don't know what to do. It's like this experience of being stuck. Stuck without momentum and direction is where all problems start, which, you know, this subject actually, as well as being around masculinity, leans powerfully into purpose.

06:36 And what I'm going to break down for you is something from the high value man system from living called the 3XE formula. Now, I created this, not because I'm a guru and banged my head on the toilet and like flux capacitor type stuff. That's a back to the future reference, if you haven't watched the bloody movie. Of course you have. Surely you have, right? But 30 years almost of interest, passion into personal development has created this awareness of we get what we think about all the time. We get to be the person we want to be if we're truly inspired by going out there and being it.

07:18 Okay, it's a, it's so much of about the, you know, the position you start from and then how you go out and get it. So that's what we're going to, that's what we're going to get stuck into, right? But here's why it's the problem. So many men have lost the thread of who they are. And it's not really that they're weak. These are capable men. It might even be men who are already successful, who are winning in one area of life, but absolutely struggling, stuck, scuppered, failing, demotivated, emasculated, lost their bollocks, lost their voice in another area of life. Doing everything that they thought would make them happy and finding out that something's still off.

07:58 That is the experience. That is the experience for so many modern men, so many modern dads, and in particular, us lot who are reaching these middle age stages. And to be honest, I do see it. Well, I guess you could say that it happens in all stages, right? But, you know, increasingly, you're getting it with young men who are coming out of school or coming out of university and not knowing where to go, not knowing what to do, not knowing who they should be. And so they're sat on their ass looking at their phone, blaming the world about what's going on. Midlife dads getting to this point, working hard, created the money, got the house, had the wife, kids, thought that everything was going to be sweet. And now they find themselves miserable, overweight, divorced, stuck in a relationship that doesn't work.

08:39 Is that the problem? Are those people the problem? Is life the problem? No, it's from within you. It's from within your being. It's a level of responsibility. It's a level of manning up where you go, I'm not going to take this anymore. I'm going to go out and there and do something about it. So it's a purpose crisis, really. You know, there's all this talk about mental health and men's mental health. And it is important because so many men, not just the ones that are taking their lives, what about the ones that try to and don't succeed? What about the ones that are thinking about it, but don't actually do it? What about the ones that are utterly miserable but don't realize it's a mental health crisis? Like there's so many stages of it. And you might recognize that actually you're in one of those.

09:23 Loneliness is an epidemic across men. Now, if you're looking at this from the position of, I don't know how to fix this or I can't change her or this relationship I'm stuck in or I'm having a mental, I'm depressed, I'm lonely. So a lot of people sit in victimhood there as well about there's nothing they can do about it. When it comes down to something called purpose, when it's about identity, when it's about commitment and the courage to go after it, then this becomes something that you can hold in your hand. This becomes. becomes something that you can take control of and go out there and do and we have to do that because without it i just said depression relationship struggles obesity addiction the slow slide into the low value death spiral we we go to those places

10:14 because it numbs the gap that the not having the purpose is uncomfortable The not knowing who we are is deeply confronting. And so we avoid that pain by getting on our phone and taking some fake dopamine or watching some porn or having a little gamble or all the fun stuff, right? But the problem is it's not fun when you're using it to cover up how you're really feeling, right? Success without happiness isn't success. And so here's how we break it down. Here's how we do this, right? The 3XC formula, clarity, courage and commitment. Each one opens up the next. And when a man applies this, he transforms. He literally rebirths.

10:56 If you've watched Doctor Whoever, I'm not a fan, but I know there's a bit where the doctor like dies and the next doctor appears. This is that. I've tried the expression like a snake shedding its skin, but it doesn't really work because then you're telling people that they're a snake, right? Which we're not really doing. How about butterfly? Bit feminine, right? I don't know. Or is it an eagle? There we go. What about that? The eagle stuck in his nest, not knowing whether he can fly or not, not knowing whether he can be as strong and as powerful as his father. And then what happens when he literally throws himself out the nest and soars into the sky?

11:38 That's what I'm talking about for you. When men thrive, everyone around them thrives. It doesn't work the other way around. And this isn't about masculinity versus femininity. It's not about men being better than women or whatever. It's not about 2026 inequality. It's about this innate energy, polarity, masculine energy versus feminine energy. It's about the provider and the nurturer. It's about the leader and the supporter. When a man is struggling, his wife will have to step in and take more responsibility for the security of the family. When a woman does that, a man's masculinity diminishes. It goes down.

12:22 He feels more shit about himself. He feels emasculated. He's lost his bollocks and his voice. That is undeniable. You can be the stay-at-home dad and have that, right? Again, it's not about roles. It's about who you're being. So we're going to reconnect you with that. I'm going to walk you through this today. So step one, clarity. This is a man reconnecting with who he is and what he actually wants. Not what he's supposed to want, not what he thought he was doing for a career, not what he thinks everyone else is doing. What's actually true for him? Think about that for a second. This is a theme that comes up regularly on the show. I'm not going to make any apologies about that. It's about absolutely 100%

13:04 knowing who you are and what you're about, knowing what you want to do with that, and then having a really strong why that compels you to want to go and do it. A why that's probably bigger than you. Most of us don't have that. We don't have it because we've been conditioned by life. We've got the kids, the wife, the house, the work. And then if we stop doing that, then who I am disappears because we've made our identity about those things about work, about being a dad, about being a husband. So I've got to keep all those things and otherwise I'm shit. No, you are the foundation. You are awesome. You are the masculine, confident version of yourself, living with clarity, fulfilling the ambition, the dreams, the direction that he's set for himself.

13:53 When a man lives like that, he is purpose-driven. And when you're purpose-driven, you have the opportunity to feel fulfilled. And we're going to come on to where do you get fulfillment from in the next two sections. But clarity is about having a purpose. Okay. It kind of get into semantics, really. Can you have purpose without clarity? Others say the same thing. But how I'm saying it to you now is you have a clarity about who you are, what you stand for, what you want, your values, your strengths, your weaknesses, your passions, your commitments. You know what you love doing in life and what you don't really love doing. You know what lights you up. Like imagine, you know, some really brazen stuff. I was just listening to some Robert Green stuff on one of the Huberman shows, right?

14:37 If you are an incredible pianist, a violinist, if you're incredible on the saxophone, like playing music like that, right? That level of intensity. the passion for it the joy you get from playing it that's who you are now if you're someone who's an adrenaline junkie like a formula one racer or a moto gp you know bike racer or any other sport that's got high levels of adrenaline i would love to do that red ball kite surfing no not kite surfing like wing wingsuit stuff. I do believe the moment might have passed me. I presume you have to start by doing some base jumps or something horrific.

15:22 But I have always dreamt, like literally had dreams of flying. They were like one of my recurring dreams flying. And then you see these guys in the red ball wingsuits, right? That level of adrenaline and speed and all out living on the edge, flipping, grabbing your bollocks and going for it is a completely different identity, passion and purpose and drive than the man who's absolutely ripping it on stage, playing the saxophone at some festival or concert to 60,000 people. Do you see what I'm talking about there? If you don't have a hold on that, then you could literally be living the wrong version of you.

16:03 There's a Japanese proverb, which I've bastardized and used quite a lot because I heard it and it really hit me, right? Don't judge a goldfish by its ability to climb a tree. Don't judge a monkey by its ability to flip and swim. This is not what they do. This is not their core thing. So what gets, what change it, what changes? What changes for a man when he gets clear? I can tell you what changes, right? Decisions become easier. Energy becomes back. Passion, commitment, drive, the ability to say, I don't think I'm going to do that because it's not really aligned with where I'm headed.

16:42 Or, absolutely, that sounds awesome. Yeah, give me some more of that. One of the most pivotal moments in this journey of the High Value Man project and of my experience in life, of my coaching, came up a mountain about nine, ten months after the breakup, which was some sort of five years after the shit started to happen. And my best mate took me climbing in Austria. And you'd have heard this story before if you listened to the podcast or you're part of the community, right? But it's important because we got caught in a blizzard. It wasn't that. It wasn't like we were at the top of Mount Everest, right? But we were up a mountain.

17:22 There were crevasses around us. The flipping clouds rolled in. The blizzard came with it. And suddenly we could only see about a flipping hand distance in front of us. We're roped up and we're having to, he says, right, we need to be five meters apart because if one of us goes down a crevasse, the other one needs to be able to stop them from falling, right? I was like, oh, okay, okay, I've got that, right? Thing is, I wasn't that bothered about that. I was walking along, one foot in front of the other, thinking, how am I going to fix this? How am I going to fix this? Focused intently on the divorce and the shit show that was going on in my life.

17:57 When I got to the other side, or when we, well, when the sun finally came out and we had to stop and take all our stuff off, I looked back and the gap between where we were and where the danger was was like 1500 meters. Like it was like so far. But because we couldn't see, we'd had to carry on walking slowly. But there was no, like the crevasse field was way behind us. And that's what life is like when you haven't got a clear, grounded path. You're fearful of what's going on around you because you don't know where you're at. You don't know who you are. You don't know what you're up to. I got this message at the other side of that. How am I going to fix this? And it was, I didn't put you through this.

18:39 I gave this to you. All the experiences, all the people you've met, all the ups, all the downs, it was to bring you to this moment, the courses, the books, the videos, so that you could help other people. And then boom, literally transformed my experience of the whole situation, transformed my experience of myself. My friend that took me up that mountain gave me that moment. He gave me the opportunity for that to happen. It came from truly connecting with who I am and what I am up to or was going to be up to rather than focusing on the shit that was going on. You see that? When you're focused on the stuff that's going on that's not really you, it's painful and difficult.

19:22 When you get connected with who you are and what you're up to and what you're supposed to be doing, then it's immensely powerful. So that brings us into step two, which is courage. Now, this is the part that most men skip because they don't know they need it or they don't want to confront some of these things. It's the weight that men drag around. And I've got to be thankful to my time spent. spent doing work at Landmark, Landmark Education for this. I've also got to thank Wayne Dyer and Esther and Esther and someone Hicks, Jerry, Jerry Hicks, right? About realizing that when you live from a place of frustration, blame, doubt, regret, guilt, upset about your childhood, upset about your marriage, upset about something that went wrong in your past, trauma that you're not willing to let go of, right?

20:14 When you're carrying around that with you, it's a heavy load. It shapes your decisions. It shapes how you view people. It shapes what you think and say. And then most people are completely oblivious to what this is costing them. It's like a background noise that you've become so used to that you forget hearing it. It's like if you live by a railway station, you can flip and sleep through anything, right? But that doesn't mean the sound has gone away. It doesn't mean that if you got rid of it, that life wouldn't be easier. Would you sleep better if you didn't live by a flipping railway station? Probably. And this courage piece is why clarity on its own won't stick. It's why having a bunch of goals and saying, yes, goals, we will go and do them.

20:54 It's why that's not enough. It's the three elements of the 3XC that count. And courage is freeing yourself of all that baggage, of freeing yourself of all the crap that you're carrying around with you. That's having you say to yourself, I wish things better, or things wouldn't be like this if it wasn't for her. Or if that hadn't happened when I was a kid, I wouldn't feel like this. It's my dad's fault. It's my ex's fault. It's my wife's fault. It's my, who is it? Who is my teacher's fault? The shift comes when a man has the courage, the courage to look at himself in the mirror and actually see what all that crap is doing. Looking at it and choosing to put it down. Because when you do, something opens up.

21:35 It's a piece of you that has been withheld for too long, or it's a piece of you that's been like a version of you that's been wedged in front of you. If you're not living your true self and if you're carrying around a load of frustrations and bollocks, you will be a bit of an arsehole to your wife. Now, you might think that you're not, but you won't be able to help it. It's in your energy. It's how you wake up. And she might be being a complete nightmare. Trust me, I know that experience. But it's not about whether that stuff's not going on. It's about where does it come from. It's about what part of it can you take responsibility for.

22:11 Responsibility is also part of courage. Because when you see that it's ultimately within your control, within your hands, then that is wonderfully freeing, incredibly empowering. In everyday life, what it looks like is having those difficult conversations you've been avoiding. Not blame, not you, this, not you, that. It's like, look, I can see I've been a bit like this, and this is where I think it's coming from. This is what I'd like to propose, or this is what I think is been the impact on you and why I think things might be a little bit like this. I wonder what different version of it we could take. It's about forgiving your parents. Classically, it's also about forgiving yourself, the choices you made, the things you didn't do, the journey you took or didn't take.

22:53 Because when you get complete, when things that aren't finished become done, you are left with this wide open space to be the man and dad you want to be. It's a fresh start. It's a new you. It's like getting your car validated. You can't believe how incredible your car feels after it's been validated. Fresh sheets on your bed after you've washed them. That's what it's about. A swim in the cold pool after a big night out. Courage, letting go of all this stuff and creating the space to be someone new. And how do you create that new person? Well, that's what we dig into when we're working together. Okay. But courage is not the absence of fear. It's choosing how you respond to it.

23:35 It's pushing through those uncomfortable moments, being committed to something that's bigger than you. And then into commitment. Okay. Commitment is not motivation, not at all. It's not willpower either. Those two things will run out. Commitment is sticking at something because it's what you said you would do. It's committing to something because the reason you're doing it is bigger than you. Your why, Nietzsche, Viktor Frankl. When your why is big enough, you'll be able to take on any challenge. So commitment, there's a science to it. You can't go looking for motivation. You can't take a confidence pill. You can't take a motivation pill.

24:17 Commitment is actually born out of habits, compound leverage and neuroscience, right? These are things that are infinitely within our control, right? Because whether you like going running, whether it's raining or sunny, if who you are is, I'm going to be fit and strong so I can play with my grandchildren, or I'm going to be fit and strong. so i can make money so that my family are happy then you will go to the gym regardless of how you feel when you've done some sponsorship and you're now raising a thousand pounds like we did for for for macmillan cancer like there's no option but to go and train because the because the commitment is bigger than you but we've still got to have a

24:59 structure that handles this so habit science the two classics james clear's atomic habits charles dungie's power of habits right it's the habit loop you don't create habits by choosing something really difficult and like right today i will do this now some people can do that if you get told you've got lung cancer and you're going to die well you bloody well give up smoking right that happens in a heartbeat but other things you might want to try giving up chocolate for a week stopping bread for three weeks setting a challenge to do a 10 minute workout every day for one week or two weeks because habits are born out of a decision to follow something

25:39 through and a why that makes it important the science of habits tips into the neuroscience part okay because to stick at something we need to feel motivated towards doing it and i just said you can't take a motivation pill but what you can do is you can trigger dopamine dopamine fires our inner drive it's our reward one of our reward chemicals dopamine motivates us to want to go and do something more because we do something it feels nice like going for a run right or playing fortnight because these are where you get some fake dopamines you achieve something it feels good and your body goes yes have a shot of

26:19 dopamine the dopamine shot is nice it's tasty it feels good so your brain and your body go oh i'd like some more of that where did i get it from oh you got it from doing a run oh okay i'll go and do some more runs then that's how you start to leverage your neuroscience and the habit science together same happens in relationships you know oxytocin the love drug well it's hard to stay in love it's hard to keep the passion alive when there's no oxytocin how do you get oxytocin you spend quality time with the people you love you laugh you hold hands you kiss you flip in high five you have

26:58 sex like and guess what you get rewarded from those things with oxytocin and when the oxytocin feels good you want to go and get some more of it or you feel more inclined to go and do it people who have no love life tanked their oxytocin and in midlife that comes from a couple of things one is the routine of being with that person for a long time and the other is general age testosterone menopause but what i do know is along with lifestyle changes it's an attitude change so we fuel where we're getting our oxytocin from and then compound leverage this is habit stacking basically but i read darren

27:37 hardy's book uh the compound effect and apparently i've been told that is based on someone's much bigger book of the name of which i've forgotten but but anyway what starts small becomes unstoppable you don't win a marathon by trying to run a marathon on the on the or you don't finish a marathon by trying to run a marathon on your first workout you do lots of little runs and you start to build them up so commitment commitment is about accountability it's about environment it's a structure around you the people you're doing it with and then when you put that in place magic happens it's very hard to be committed to a job you hate to a relationship that's not

28:17 working out so you can see how we need clarity then we need courage and then the commitment part becomes a lot easier but it doesn't become easy without understanding what builds commitment and that's what we do inside the the high value man system for living it's what we do inside of our one-on-one coaching and and group programs is it's a level of desire and enjoyment that has a man show up as the best version of himself that has a man grab life by the bollocks that has a man have difficult conversations so things improve and he can start to live the life he desires rather than one that he feels stuck in it's not about doing more it's about doing the right things

28:57 consistently until they're just who you are our work here is not something to learn it's who you become so you can see how this all ties back into manning up if you say to someone man up as a threat or as a put down they're left in no better place they're left with no greater tools or inspiration to go and do something about it you've just reinforced that they're shit and so no man up is not a good expression but when you can say to someone do you want to man up what would it be like to man up what would it be like to step up to embrace life to be the best version of yourself You'd like to say, yeah, I want that. So then that's where man up is a good expression. Man up is a powerful expression.

29:42 And quite frankly, manning up is what a massive, massive number of men need to do. Our women are waiting for it to happen. Our children need it to happen. The world is suffering from not enough men manning up. Not enough men standing up to shit that is not okay, to racism, to extremism, to just low level, not caring about the people around us, to not prioritizing having fun and making the world a better place. That's what the job of a dad is. That is the job of a father. And when we all start behaving like fathers in our lives for all the people we are connected to, then we get to make a difference.

30:28 Then we get to start a movement that is really impacting the world. When men do this, they don't just change. Their families change, their relationships change, their kids grow up watching a different kind of man. The power is huge. So I want you to commit to living it daily. I want you to go and take the high value man scorecard, highvalue manproject.com forward slash score. That starts the process for you. Off the back of that, you can book a call with me to review your score. If you want to talk about Elite 101, I take on maximum three men a month, only 28 men a year. And we go through the high value man system for living one-on-one. If you want to do the group work, we have Accelerate, which we do three times a year.

31:09 Small group, powerful, 20 men. This whole thing is about seeing dads thriving. So I hope this has been powerful for you. If you've got any questions about it, then I would absolutely love to hear them. If you're watching this anywhere you can comment, then please do. Ask a question. What do you want to know? What part of this do you want to challenge? What experience have you got that maybe a different? I believe that this is the most powerful way to speak to a man's heart and soul, heart and soul, mind and soul, to, you know, just speak to a man, right? We know this stuff is what we want. The frustration comes from not knowing how to get it. And what I have here at the High Value Man Project is a way for all men to grab this.

31:52 So like, share, review the podcast and get yourself over to that scorecard. I'll see you on the next episode. Let's go. Thanks for tuning in to the Johnny Jensen show. Be sure to subscribe, leave a review and share it with fellow dads. Creating the life you deserve starts with you. Get your high value man blueprint and join our community of motivated modern dads at highvalumanproject.com. Let's go.