The Male Loneliness Trap And How To Break Out Of It

00:00 Male loneliness is not a mystery. It's a predictable outcome of modern life and it's reversible, not quickly, not comfortably but reliably in this episode of The Jonnie Jensen Show I'll break down why so many men feel lonely what they can do about it and why it's actually about body chemistry role theme Welcome to The Jonnie Jensen Show, where modern dads discover how to create the true riches relationships and results they deserve. Get your High Value Man blueprint and join our community at highvaluemanproject.com Let's go!

00:42 Hello men, male loneliness the epidemic of male loneliness they're calling it and this isn't actually a new subject but it is at the moment for some reason and I guess it's January. It's blowing up again on on the internet and I want to really address it with you in I hope quite an enlightening way, maybe a bit challenging and certainly when i look um and the time i spend in men's groups whether that's face to face or online this idea that there's nothing i can do about it. I'm trapped! I don't know what to do how am i like? It's a real uh you know yeah it is an epidemic really but it's a silent one that's for sure and without doubt if you look at like the stepping stones around

01:26 I'm The Jonnie Jensen Show,

03:55 So, loneliness. Kudos to the Tin Men on Instagram. George great post on this subject the real statistical side around how the subject is being sort of squished down as not a real thing but anybody who spent enough time in men's groups in the dads communities on Facebook you know in conversation with dads will know that this sense Even using the word loneliness can sometimes feel like men avoid it, right? You have to ask them questions before you come to get them to realize that oh yeah I'm probably a bit lonely. And it's not actually about being alone, It's about meaningful stimulation and connection right obviously connection in our significant relationships in our marriage

04:44 But you know, there's this connection with our kids. There's a connection with our friends. There is the network of people in and around our business or the social circles around our work. It's all part of a healthy balanced life but loneliness creeps in It's not a dramatic like, and today we are lonely. You know today we've broken our leg it just creeps in and that's why it becomes so hard for men to actually reverse you know some of the stats around one-in-three men UK and US report feeling lonely often or always. Men are less likely than women to have close friendships out of work

05:26 Friendship circles in men over 30 dramatically shrink. And you can understand that, like we're at uni, we're in early days of work, we're playing football or rugby or some kind of social sports activity when we're single or when we just dating like we getting pissed and having a laugh. Like there's a lot of fun to be had before the seriousness of real life kicks in But you've got to understand that loneliness in that regard isn't a personal failing. It's just not doing what you needed to do in order to feel I'm

06:27 You know, a hundred people have also asked over the last 12 to 18 months. It's the question is I feel lonely? I don't know what to do when I've had a breakup and I'm feeling like I don't know what to do. I've got no mates. I dunno what to do. Um, um bored on, you know, like that. And then it calls to anxiety and mental health. Like you gotta understand as a spectrum of this, which I tried to get across at the beginning, you could be absolutely smashing it Great kids, happy relationship and lonely. Or you could be completely on your arse divorced broken up rebuilding from scratch and be completely lonely They're pretty much the same thing and they're caused by the same reasons

07:06 Modern life in itself is one problem. We're much more sedentary, we're not out and about being active, we're not outdoors as much with sat on our arse at work where we scrolling on our phone with gaming if that's your thing or watching crap TV like all these sedentary lifestyle habits of modern men are depleting us of the essential body chemicals that we need to actually thrive Now, these body chemicals which you hear me talk more and more about because they are

07:42 Like a pit stop in a race car, if that race car does 100 laps and then goes into pit and all they do is stick a new spoiler on the back of it. It's not going to be ready to go out and do another hundred laps. And these body chemicals that men humans across the board but we're talking about men need are caused by having an active and connected lifestyle The You've got to get out there and do these things. And then, but modern life particularly for men who are married it distracts us away from being able to do that. It's very hard to go out and spend a lot of time with your mates if you've got young kids and you're trying to make enough money. And if you've got a bit of a battle axe missus no disrespect to women and full responsibility for men who have allowed that relationship to turn that way but asking for permission to go out

08:52 Isn't really a balanced relationship. Going out every bloody night and getting blasted, not helping out around the home isn't really a balanced relationship either but too much of what goes on in relationships for men has been skewed in a way that isn't that healthy. Not that it's all women's fault but its men who bring it on themselves this is about ultimately taking responsibility Men are focused on providing and earning Increasingly in modern life, and good this is me I'm a committed dad. The parenting logistics the sharing the load at home we're quietly getting through the week and it feels like a worthy intention to start with because it is but if you stick with the pit stop analogy we're not fueling the machine in the way that it needs to be fueled We've let go of play, we've let go of movement, we've let go of social friendships connections brotherhood

09:45 Let go of fun, novelty adventure like being stupid ass blokes. So you know got to understand these body chemicals because we need them dopamine motivation and pursuit oxytocin bonding and connection serotonin mood and confidence endorphins relief and reward For most men, these are running close to zero. And the way that we get them is actually through exercise is through having fun it's through doing stupid things or testing ourselves pushing us to the limit going on adventures booking things in the future to look forward to having memories to look back on like it's not complicated but we don't do it and its chicken and egg really okay you need

10:35 Jonnie Jensen, the founder of You know, when you haven't been out chatting and laughing and joking for a while. You feel like you don't have much to say. You feel like yeah on the periphery of it all. And so it's uncomfortable when you think oh well that wasn't much fun I'm not going to do that again. It's pushing through the it wasn't great I'm not gonna do it again too...it wasn't great but that's to be expected because I haven't done it for so long I'm gonna go out and do it again

11:22 The motivation we need to go and do it comes from doing it, from moving from connecting engaging. And again that is where those body chemicals come from and if you don't do it those body chemicals are depleted so instead of sitting there thinking I'm shit, I'm wrong like stupid, I'm not fun, I can't do this, I'm lonely... You've got to realize oh! I let this happen the tank's empty I gotta go out and refuel it. The Jonnie Jensen Show, Jonnie Jensen Show, And then you end up feeling broken or lazy, or you end up also... I see this with a lot of men. I work with inside the High Value Man Project, men who are coming to me fearing they're going to lose it all of she's this it's that they don't understand and I'm like okay let me ask you about your lifestyle let me ask you about what you're up to let me ask you about how excited you are about the life you're living into and they can't even tell me what they want

12:31 They don't go to the gym or do any kind of exercise. Not getting out and outdoors enough, they're not seeing their friends and I'm like you do understand it starts with you if you want to create this change that you desire waiting for other people to change ain't gonna happen waiting for other people to come and knock on your door and fill your house with a party isn't going to happen loneliness is a brutally self-reinforcing trap and the only way to break out Okay. You can't learn your way out of it, you can't even read your way out of it to be honest okay? If you're feeling low and depressed absolutely you got a look at what input you're putting into your body right if you're in this funk getting through something tough or you're busting your balls trying to make millions and then the only peace you get is late at night and you're gaming

13:29 Doom scrolling, watching porn. By the way another telltale sign of this which is really important to bring up is an over-reliance on your children for your joy okay and this particularly happens when a relationship is in breakdown because before that it looks like over reliance on your wife or partner for joy and over reliance on your kids for joy When, when men are feeling lonely and they don't really realize they're feeling lonely. When it's all about yeah, it was all about the kids I got to do this to kids, the kids, that's brilliant. Um, uh, um, an absolutely hundred percent committed father and my kids know that and love that. But if you ever find yourself saying, and men who come to work with me do say this well, my only real joy is spending time with my kids. I said it!

14:17 And it really was my, my anchor. It was my savior for a long time like you know the kids give me joy I just got to focus on them but it's also an indicator of something wrong. It's like a red light on the dashboard so you have to have the balance who can see there right your wife didn't sign up for that and even your kids is a little bit too much pressure on them. It's not healthy when you've only got those small The You don't need the perfect hobby. You don't need awesome confidence to do it, you don't even need to feel like it! What you need to do is have some kind of a plan what you need to do is decide what its going to look like then start to put the people around you then go to the club, the pub, the jamming session, the match that whatever it looks like and we'll dig into that in a second and then you repeat. Don't stop because the first time wasn't fun but your willing to feel a little bit awkward to push through

15:37 I joined a rock choir for almost a year and i can tell you now it was weird to start with, and at certain times it was a bit weird but it was also brilliant. The random people I met old blokes middle-aged women all women like there wasn't many men my age or even younger But the experience, the getting out of the house and meeting new people. The singing in random locations being asked to do a solo after I'd been there sort of six months bantering with the guy that run it and actually creating some friendships with people who as I got to know them we realized we had connections kids at school together shared old friends whatever it might be

16:25 You've got to see that's how it, like a flower blooming. Like a chick hatching out of an egg. It has to have chance to start grow flourish. So what are you doing? And you're probably detached from this because you haven't done it for so long but make a list ask other people get interested. What do you do? Where do you go? What would that be like? You go on meetup.com and you can search or go to Eventbrite, look on Facebook like there's so much going on in your local area could be a gym if you don't like gyms it could be boot camp if you don't like boot camps it could be parkrun you've got to get out and sweat the high value man expression is sweating your tits off and blowing out your ass when you're like that whether you like it or not floods your body with endorphins right which draw which also produces serotonin like the body chemicals that come from exercise

17:19 Being a balanced, happy thriving guy. I mentioned the rock choir there's loads of them you could join a football team if you're an old guy you could join a walking football team seniors men's rugby seniors hockey seeing it like look at up their sports for everybody Martial arts, chess clubs. If you're into music it'll be a jamming night at some pub around you. You don't have to be religious to go and be part of a church like if you're really on your ass just find a modern church or any church right? And look at what they've got going on socially volunteer help out get to know people men's groups you know the High Value Man Project clearly is one of them highvaluemanproject.com forward slash group we have face-to-face events we have adventures but there will be loads around

18:06 Dad Lassole in the South Coast, Dad Space in Kent. Andy's Man Clubs, Mansheds... There are loads! It is not about finding your passion it is about refuelling your life Don't be impatient The upward spiral comes from taking action Showing up when you don't feel like or when it feels awkward Realising that you've got to fuel your body to create the feel-good chemicals, to trigger the reward centre of your brain like to stack those little wins that's going to move you on to the next level. The Jonnie Jensen Show,

19:01 That is cool. That made me laugh, they are awesome because when you do that you've suddenly got more stuff to talk about so when you are in a social circle conversations become easier. You don't feel like you're on the outside When you've been five or six times you know that's Steve and Mike and Carl okay? You start to enjoy it Loneliness starts to fade away like a distant flipping oh yeah last year was a bit tough glad I stopped operating like that It is easy, but it's not quick. It is easy but it takes effort and that's why so many men don't do it. So it is a trap and it starts with responsibility A high value man lifestyle isn't about status or success. It's about staying connected to yourself being the man that you want to be your body your connections your habits your routines its happiness and success You can be successful

20:01 Jonnie Jensen It has to be a target, a goal of thriving. Of happiness and success being the man and dad that you want to be creating the life that you desire. The relationships with your wife or partner, the connection with your kids, the fun with your friends and network having mentors around you people that lift you up fueling yourself with knowledge feeling like you've actually got a body that's you know you're proud to live in That's another whole subject we're going to be coming out in a couple of episodes about, like body confidence. Being proud of the body that you're living in and having a machine that functions in the way that you need it to do to be the man and dad that you want to be

20:48 So, what are you going to do this week? What are you gonna do to look at yourself and your key relationships and realise actually I'm not doing enough here. I might actually be a bit lonely or I might be being a bit clingy and needy on these people around me. I might be being a bit of a miserable sod And then you get out there and you do it. You get out there and you start to actually create, get on the phone make a list of all your old friends however long it's been since you've seen them and give them a call. All right how's it going? Bit random just felt like I need to reconnect with a few people and if they're not interested who cares move onto the next one! Like make it happen

21:32 I can't stress this enough. I don't mind being confrontational about it because it is that basic and I have empathy because I realize it might not be that easy so please share this with other men in your life, please realize that the life you want is totally in your hands like the power to be the man that either you wanna be that your wife loves and desires, your kids respect and wanna hang out with It is our responsibility. The world needs men to step up, not in this bullshit feminist way but for ourselves so that we're loving life and thriving. Share this with other men in your life on the socials drop a comment let me know what you're thinking come into the highvaluemanproject.com forward slash group and join the conversation let us know where you're at what do you need? And we've got it available either in upcoming events or webinars

22:29 In Elite One-on-One with me, in our group programs that run. It really is all available. Thanks for listening! I will see you on the next episode of The Jonnie Jensen Show. Let's go! Thanks for tuning into The Jonnie Jensen Show be sure to subscribe leave a review and share it with fellow dads Creating the life you deserve starts with you. Get your High Value Man blueprint and join our community of motivated modern dads at highvaluemanproject.com Let's go!