The Male Loneliness Trap And How To Break Out Of It

00:00 Male loneliness is not a mystery. It's a predictable outcome of modern life and it's reversible. Not quickly, not comfortably, but reliably. In this episode of the Johnny Jensen Show, I'll break down why so many men feel lonely, what they can do about it and why it's actually about body chemistry. Role theme. Welcome to the Johnny Jensen Show. where modern dads discover how to create the true riches, relationships and results they deserve. Get your high value man blueprint and join our community at highvalue manproject.com.

00:40 Let's go. Hello men. Male loneliness, the epidemic of male loneliness, they're calling it. And this isn't actually a new subject, but it is at the moment for some reason. And I guess it's January. It's blowing up again on the internet. And I want to really address it with you in, I hope, quite an enlightening way, maybe a bit challenging. And certainly when I look and the time I spend in men's groups, whether that's face-to-face or online, this idea that there's nothing I can do about it, I'm trapped. I don't know what to do. How am I like, it's a real, yeah, it is an epidemic, really, but it's a silent one, that's for sure.

01:23 And without doubt, it's, you know, if you look at like the stepping stones around men's mental health, around men's suicide, like loneliness is one of the early steps. And loneliness can affect so many men, even men who are in denial about being lonely, because what they think is, well, I've got the family, I've got work, I've got to get home, I've got to do like they excuse it away. They don't consider that the emptiness that they're secretly feeling, the anxiousness even is caused by the modern lifestyle that we lead, which then creeps into loneliness, which then creeps into, because loneliness persists, it then creeps into mental health or relationship breakdown, mental health

02:07 and the whole stepping stone, the low value death spiral, as we call it here in the High Value Man Project. I am Johnny Jensen. It's great to have you here on the show, whether you're watching, whether you're listening, bloody brilliant. We're on episode 167. So we've been doing this a while. Have you subscribed? Have you left a review? Always asking for more reviews because it's such a powerful way to push the podcast out to more men. If you're watching on YouTube, then of course subscribe. You know, it just tells YouTube, tell Spotify, tells Apple Podcast that this is something worth listening to, worth watching to. And you get the updates quicker, right, when they come out. What do we do here? Well, with the High Value Man Project, we are a program and community for modern midlife dads.

02:50 Men who want to live the life they desire rather than the one they feel stuck in. And the reason why this is so important is because everything we've worked hard to create, it's so easy for it to slip through our fingers because of this midlife malaise that we find ourselves in. The loneliness subject is a topic, poor health, relationship breakdown, you know, just a real lack of drive and desire for life. It's all in the same subject. And if that's of any, you know, if fixing that, if making moves to step out of this uncomfortable time that you're feeling is what you want to do, then let's get on a call.

03:30 You can come and join the High Value Man Project group at highvalumanproject.com forward slash group, or you can jump on a turbo call with me, highvalumanproject.com forward slash turbo call. You can let me know what's going on and I can give you some insight into how the high value man system for living could help you accelerate forward, becoming, being the man and dad you want to be. So loneliness. Kudos to the tin men on Instagram. George, great post on this subject, the real statistical side around how the subject is being sort of squooshed down as not a real thing.

04:11 But anybody who's spent enough time in men's groups, in the dads communities on Facebook, you know, in conversation with dads will know that this sense of even using the word loneliness can sometimes feel like men avoid it, right? You have to ask them questions before you come to get them to realize that, oh yeah, I'm probably a bit lonely. And it's not actually about being alone. It's about meaningful stimulation and connection, right? Obviously connection in our significant relationships in our marriage. But, you know, there's connection with our kids, there's connection with our friends, there's the network of people in and around our business or the social circles around our work.

04:54 It's all part of a healthy, balanced life. But loneliness creeps. creeps in it's it's not a dramatic like and today we are lonely you know today we've you know we've we've we've broken our leg it it's it just creeps in and that's why it becomes so hard for men to actually reverse you know some of the stats around one in three men uk and us report feeling lonely often or always men are less likely than women to have close friendships out of work and men's friendship circles in men over 30 dramatically shrink

05:33 and you can understand that like we're at uni we're at you know early days of work we're playing football or rugby or some kind of social sports activity when we're single or when we're just dating like we're getting pissed we're going and having a laugh like there's a lot of fun to be had before the seriousness of real life kicks in but you've got to understand that loneliness in that regard isn't a personal failing it's just not doing what you needed to do in order to feel full up to feel connected to feel loved supported like you're having a laugh like you're not going through this thing on out on your own right it blows my mind when i when i when i read you know these comments you know and they're so common by the way if you're ever in a facebook group do a search first for the topic you want to find out

06:24 about before dropping in the same thing that you know a hundred people have also asked over the last 12 to 18 months it's the question is i feel lonely i don't know what to do right now i've had a breakup i feel lonely i don't know what to do i've got no mates i don't know what to do i'm i'm bored i'm you know like the and then they're caused to the anxiety and mental health and and like you've got to understand there's a spectrum of this which i tried to get across at the beginning you could be absolutely smashing it great kids happy relationship and lonely or you could be completely on your ass divorced broken up rebuilding from scratch and be completely lonely they're pretty much the same thing and they're caused by the

07:04 same reasons now modern life in itself is one problem we're much more sedentary um we're not out and about being active we're not outdoors as much we'd sat on our ass at work we're we're scrolling on our phone we're gaming if that's your thing or watching crap tv like all these sedentary lifestyle habits of modern men are depleting us of the essential body chemicals that we need to actually thrive now these body chemicals which you're hearing me talk more and more about because they are you know like a pit stop in a race

07:44 car if that race car does a hundred laps and then goes into pit and all they do is stick a new spoiler on the back of it it's not going to be ready to go out and do another hundred laps and these body chemicals that men humans across the board but we're talking about men need are caused by having an active and connected lifestyle you know dopamine oxytocin serotonin endorphins these are all the feel-good and essential building blocks of a healthy happy positive creative focused energized connected lifestyle loving laughing available

08:24 so we've got to get out there and do these things and then but modern life particularly for men who are married it distracts us away from being able to do that it's very hard to go out and spend a lot of time with your mates if you've got you know young kids and you're trying to make enough money and if you've got a bit of a battle axe misses no disrespect to women and full responsibility for men who have allowed that relationship to turn that way but you know asking for permission to go out isn't really a balanced relationship going out every bloody night and getting blasted not helping out around the home isn't really a balanced relationship either but too much of what goes on in

09:03 relationships for men has been skewed in a way that isn't that healthy not that it's all women's fault but it's men that bring it on themselves this is about ultimately taking responsibility men are focused on providing and earning increasingly in modern life and good this is me i'm a committed dad the parenting logistics the sharing the load at home we're quietly getting through the week and it feels like a worthy intention to start with because it is but if you stick with the pit stop analogy we're not fueling the machine in the way that it needs to be fueled we've let go of play we've let go of movement we've let go of social

09:43 friendships connections brotherhood we've let go of fun novelty adventure like being stupid ass blokes so you know you've got to understand these body chemicals because because we need them. Dopamine, motivation and pursuit, oxytocin, bonding and connection, serotonin, mood and confidence, endorphins, relief and reward. For most men, these are running close to zero. And the way that we get them is actually through exercise, is through having fun, is through doing stupid things or testing ourselves, pushing us to the limit, going on adventures, booking things in the future to look forward to, having memories to look back

10:25 on. Like it's not complicated, but we don't do it. And it's chicken and egg, really. Okay. You need motivation to go out and socialize, right? You have to have that because we all know if you haven't done it for a while, if you live in a new town or if you're recently divorced, or if you've been out dancing for a while, the first hour in the club, well, the first 20 minutes, whatever, but the first bit of the you being in the club, it's bloody awkward. You feel like a moron, like, oh, now I'm dancing again. Like, it's, it's uncomfortable. But the same thing happens, you know, when you haven't been out chatting and laughing and joking for a while, you feel like you don't have much to say.

11:04 You feel like you're on the periphery of it all. And so it's uncomfortable when you think, oh, well, that wasn't much fun. I'm not going to do that again. It's pushing through the, it wasn't great. I'm not going to do it again to it. It wasn't great, but that's to be expected because I haven't done it for so long. I'm going to go out and do it again. The motivation we need to go and do it comes from doing it, from moving, from connecting, engaging. And again, that is where those body chemicals come from. And if you don't do it, those body chemicals are depleted. So instead of sitting there thinking, I'm shit, I'm wrong, I'm stupid, I'm not fun, I can't do this, I'm lonely, you've got to realize, oh, I let this happen.

11:45 The tank's empty, I've got to go out and refuel it. You need the body chemicals to feel motivated, but you need the action to create the chemicals. So that's why a lot of just advice, like in groups, oh my God, am I going to do this? It doesn't land because they don't follow it up with the action. And then you end up feeling broken or lazy, or you end up also, I see this with a lot of men I work with inside the High Value Man Project, men who are coming to me fearing they're going to lose it all of she's this, it's that, they don't understand. And I'm like, okay, let me ask you about your lifestyle. Let me ask you about what you're up to. Let me ask you about how excited you are about the life you're living into.

12:30 And they can't even tell me what they want. They don't go to the gym or do any kind of exercise. They're not getting outdoors enough. They're not seeing their friends. And I'm like, you do understand it starts with you. If you want to create this change that you desire, waiting for other people to change ain't going to happen. Waiting for other people to come and knock on your door and fill your house with a party isn't going to happen. Loneliness is a brutally self-reinforcing trap. And the only way to break out of that is with action. Okay. You can't learn your way out of it. You can't even read your way out of it, to be honest.

13:09 Okay. If you're feeling low and depressed, absolutely, you've got to look at what input you're putting into your body, right? If you're in this funk, you're getting through something tough, or you're busting your balls trying to make millions. And then the only peace you get is, you know, late at night in your gaming, doom scrolling, watching porn. By the way, another tale tale sign of this, which is really important to bring up, is an over-reliance on your children for your joy. Okay. And this particularly happens when a relationship is in breakdown, because before that, it looks like over-reliance on your wife or partner for joy and over-reliance on your kids for joy.

13:53 When men are feeling lonely, they don't really realize they're feeling lonely. When it's all about, yeah, it's all about the kids. I've got to do this. The kids, the kids, the kids, that's brilliant. I'm an absolutely 100% committed father. And my kids know that and love that. But if you ever find yourself saying, and men who come to work with me do say this, well, my only real joy is spending time with my kids. I said it. And it really was my anchor. It was my savior for a long time. Like, you know, the kids give me joy. I just got to focus on them. But it's also an indicator of something wrong. It's like a red light on the dashboard. So you have to have the balance.

14:34 You can see there, right? Your wife didn't sign up for that. And even your kids, it's a little bit too much pressure on them. It's not healthy. When you've only got those like small anchors in your life, as soon as they start to crack, you panic, anxiety. anxiety kicks in this whole thing gets worse so how do we fix it it's easy but it's also difficult because if it was easy easy we'd all would all just do it right so it's it's the things you need to do are easy getting off your ass and doing it might be a bit difficult you don't need the perfect hobby you don't need awesome confidence to do it you don't even need to feel like it what you need to do is have some kind of a plan what you need to do is decide what it's going to look like then start to put the people around you then

15:24 go to the club the pub the jamming session the match that whatever it looks like and we'll dig into that in a second and then you repeat you don't stop because the first time wasn't fun you're willing to feel a little bit awkward to push through i joined a rock choir for almost a year and i can tell you now it was weird to start with and at certain times it was a bit weird but it was also brilliant the random people i met old blokes middle-aged women old women like like there wasn't many men my age or even younger but the the experience the

16:03 getting out the house the meeting new people the singing in random locations being asked to do a solo after i'd been there sort of six months bantering with the guy that run it and actually creating some friendships with people who as i got to know them we realized we had connections kids at school together shared old friends whatever it might be you you've got to see that's how it like a like a flower blooming like a chick hatching out of an egg like it has to have chance to start grow flourish so you know what do you like doing right and you're probably detached from this because you haven't done it for so long but make a list ask other people like you know get interested what do you do where do you go what's what would that be like you go on meetup.com and you can search or go to event bright or look on facebook like there's so much going on in your local

16:57 area could be a gym if you don't like gyms it could be boot camp if you don't like boot camps it could be park run you've got to get out and sweat the high value man expression is sweating your tits off and blowing out your ass when you're like that whether you like it or not floods your body with endorphins right which drive which also produces serotonin like the the body chemicals that come from exercise it's not about the six pack it's about being a balanced happy thriving guy i mentioned the rock choir there's loads of them you could join a football team if you're an old guy you could join a walking football team seniors men's rugby seniors hockey senior like look it up there's sports for everybody martial

17:37 arts chess clubs if you're into music there'll be a jamming night some pub round you you don't have to be religious to go and be part of a church like if you're really on your ass just find a modern church or any church right and look at what they've got going on socially volunteer help out get to know people um men's groups you know the high value man project clearly is one of them highvalue manproject.com forward slash group we have face-to-face events we have adventures but there'll be your loads around you dad la soul in in the south coast dad's space in in in kent andy's man clubs man sheds there's loads it's not about finding your passion

18:17 it's about refueling your life don't be impatient the upward spiral it comes from taking action showing up when you don't feel like it or when it feels a bit awkward realizing that you've got to fuel your body to create the feel-good chemicals to trigger the reward center of your brain like to stack those little wins that's going to move you on to the next level the chemicals it shift your energy your motivation and outlook starts to lift you get into a little bit of banter by the way when you're doing all this stop watching crap on tv just start watching funny stuff start watching inspiring and motivating stuff

18:57 comedies documentaries autobiographies things that have you think that is cool that made me laugh they are awesome because when you do that you've suddenly got more stuff to talk about so when you are in a social circle conversations become easier you don't feel like you're on the outside when you've been five or six times you know that that's steve and mike and carl okay you start to enjoy it loneliness starts to fade away like a distant flipping oh yeah last year was a bit tough glad i stopped operating like that it is easy but it's not quick it is easy but it takes effort and that's why so many men don't do it so it is a

19:42 trap and it starts with responsibility responsibility a high value man lifestyle isn't about status or success it's about staying connected to yourself being the man that you want to be your body your connections your habits your routines it's happiness and success you can be successful without having happiness but that's not really living life it has to be a target a goal of thriving, of happiness and success, being the man and dad that you want to be, creating the life that you desire, the relationships with your wife or partner, the connection with your kids, the fun with your friends

20:21 and network, having mentors around you, people that lift you up, fueling yourself with knowledge, feeling like you've actually got a body that's, you know, you're proud to live in. That's another whole subject we've got coming out in a couple of episodes about like body confidence, being proud of the body that you're living in, having a machine that functions in the way that you need it to do to be the man and dad that you want to be. So what are you going to do this week? What are you going to do to look at yourself and your key relationships and realize, actually, I'm not doing enough here. I might actually be a bit lonely or I might be being a bit clingy and needy on these people around me.

21:03 I might be being a bit of a miserable sod. And then you get out there and you do it. You get out there and you start to actually create. Get on the phone, make a list of all your old friends, however long it's been since you've seen them and give them a call. All right, how's it going? Bit random. Just felt like I need to reconnect with a few people. And if they're not interested, who cares? Move on to the next one. Like make it happen. I can't stress this enough. I don't mind being confrontational about it because it is that basic. And I have empathy because I realize it might not be that easy. So please share this with other men in your life.

21:47 Please realize that the life that you want is totally in your hands, like the power to be the man that you want to be, that your wife loves and desires, that your kids respect and want to hang out with. It is our responsibility. The world needs men to step up, not in this bullshit feminist way, but for ourselves, so that we're loving life and thriving. Share this with other men in your life. If you're on the socials, drop a comment. Let me know what you're thinking. Come into the highvalue manproject.com forward slash group and join the conversation. Let us know where you're at.

22:24 What do you need? And we've got it available either in upcoming events or webinars, in Elite 101 with me, in our group programs that run. It really is all available. Thanks for listening. I will see you on the next episode of The Johnny Jensen Show. Let's go. Thanks for tuning in to the Johnny Jensen show. Be sure to subscribe, leave a review and share it with fellow dads. Creating the life you deserve starts with you. Get your high value man blueprint and join our community of motivated modern dads at highvalumanproject.com. Let's go.