The Mistakes Men Make In Relationships with Matt Albiges

00:00 In this episode of the Team Superdad podcast, I talk relationships and the mistakes that men make with Matt Albiges. Roll theme! Welcome to Team Superdad Real dads creating their best lives ever More time more money more fun You are not alone you're on team super dad Hey Team Superdad, it's Jonnie here. Welcome to the podcast! It's great to have you back if you're a first-time listener then welcome for the first time we are team super dad helping dads around the world create their best life ever transforming their health wealth and happiness through our Team Superdad program through The Hero Academy and through our monthly F5 accountability group

00:52 To those who are regular listeners, well of course welcome back to you guys. Thanks so much for the reviews you've been listening and the increasing number of listens on Apple Podcasts Google Podcasts Stitcher Spotify everywhere if you are listening and you haven't left a review then please go on over and leave us one Apple seems to be the only place that really does review as well And over on Apple podcasts they are an important part of how podcasts rank So do us a favor Do us, drop us a review over on Apple Podcast. I just launched this week

01:28 WhatsApp group called The Podamp, which is a group of people or group of podcasters and we rate and listen and share each other's podcasts. So that's been exciting it has also led to me listening to a lot of podcasts maybe not all the way through but certainly a lot of podcast I hope...I hope that this Team Superdev Podcast is entertaining and keeping you tuned in on a regular basis It's not perfect right, it's not exactly how I want it. Today you're hearing me on a new mic so I know this sounds better The interview with Matt was actually recorded on the old mic a couple of weeks ago so You will notice the difference there between the two mics but going forward my microphone at least will sound as awesome as this all the time

02:12 And the formats for the podcast, well you know I want to do...I want to get a group of dads together. A group of regular hosts so that we can have a bit of a laugh and a bit of banter as well as more serious episodes with experts and specialists. You know it's...a podcast is supposed to be fun! Well certainly i want mine to be. There's really Really no reason why even a serious subject can't be fun and something as fun as being a dad, well that should definitely be a laugh. It doesn't mean we can't cover serious topics but yeah so watch this space and if you're a dad who's got a podcast and want to become one of those regular guests or co-hosts then get in touch it's Jonnie Jensen at Team Superdad or any of my socials Twitter at Jonnie Jensen

03:00 So on today's podcast we've got Matt Albiges, he is a relationship coach. Him and his wife work with couples he also works with men one-on-one mainly men in Well not mainly men in marriages but mainly men in relationships, that's basically how it works. And you know helping them grow in confidence and helping them create strong relationships with the person they love most in the world so that was why I had him on It was great to be connected through a couple of other communities we're on and I really hope you enjoy this episode of The Team Superdad Podcast

03:41 Every episode is about 60 minutes long so that gives you some idea, maybe a commute maybe a workout. I don't know wherever you are enjoy this podcast and all future episodes i'll see you on the other side enjoy! Hey welcome to Team Superdad it's another podcast episode my name is Jonnie Jensen founder and creator of Team Superdad the program for dads who want more from life we are here today with a guest I met through Ooh, through the Modern Man group. Another great group on Facebook and as soon as Matt and I got chatting we hit it off so let's bring Matt in good to see you! Hey. Do like Matt or Matthew? We never actually clarified that did we actually? I tend to go with Matt yeah most people say Matt obviously to my mum and dad i'm always going to be Matthew but pretty much everyone else calls me Matt

04:42 I know, same. When you're in trouble it's Jonathan. Matthew put that down! Good to see you Matt. Brilliant to have you here on the show today You're a dad which is not always essential if anyone has listened to the podcast before we've had some mums on and sometimes... Your kid's motorbiking around the garden Matt, you are the... along with your wife run the Man Over Matter coaching practice and you're a dad as well which we'll definitely dig into that but why don't introduce yourself and your current work what you up to?

05:35 I will do. Thanks, Jonnie. Firstly thanks for having me on here super excited to share a bit about what i do here you know being connection as you say was great to talk when we first got together and and you know i work with so the work with my partner is with couples and that's under the banner of aligned with love yeah so our typical clients there are couples in crisis going through relationship challenges for support to get themselves back on track get clear and so on but And in the way we work, I also do a lot of work with guys. So because all the branding around Align With Love is quite hearts and it's got feminine focus because lots of people are looking for us as women so that's where Man Over Matter came from because that's more like blue masculinity and that suits me much better with the work I do with guys. I don't need to speak to guys under a big heart banner

06:21 So that's kind of how I got set up. So yeah, that's our clients really so guys were going through separation and divorce challenging relationships and helping them get set you know whatever the outcome is for them Yeah And also with couples a lot demand for that yeah couples looking for support together for which myself working as a coach with my partner who was also a coach in hypnotherapist That's kinda what we do Oh brilliant! What's her name? Let's give her a name shall we Rebecca Rebecca okay great Awesome. Do you know, I love that... well, I hadn't exactly clarified that when we're speaking right so Aligned in Love is the couples work Man Over Matter is the work that you do one-on-one with dads or with men basically. So important and I really loved when we talked about the relationship coaching that you do with couples. So many couple's go into relationship coaching and just the very fact it's two people talking to one person

07:21 You can feel like someone's taking sides. I mean, I think it must be very difficult for a coach to or it is very important that the coach works hard so that the couple don't feel like one has taken sides but I know speaking to a lot of dads quite often maybe it's just a gender thing maybe it's a feeling already that the world's against you End up feeling like, well we had a woman coach and she sided with the wife. And then sometimes you hear there's a bloke man coach and he sided with the dad or the women's mode that the guy sided with the dads I think sounds so powerful that you do that coaching together. I can imagine you do separate stuff for them bring them back together as separate staff will bring back together must be really powerful

08:03 Exactly right, Jonnie. We have that comment so often that people have been through a single coach or counsellor and had the feeling that it wasn't quite balanced So that's one thing we offer Also working together means we can do lots of fun stuff like role play I'll just sit with my partner and we'll play out our situation right there And clients are seeing themselves in this situation where we're playing with an idea or concept that were talking about It really lands in way that...I'd struggle to do on my own Roleplaying on your own is It's okay, but doing it with someone else just really brings it to life. Yeah, yeah also a lot of fun And tell us about your, obviously not obviously but I know you're a dad. Tell us a little bit about your relationship so that this is not your first marriage etc. So yeah tell us as comfortable as you feel. Fill us in and give us a bit of background because then we definitely for people who are tuning in wondering what the hell were going to talk about? We're gonna do our normal just catch up like this and talk some dad stuff and our relationship things

09:06 Matt, you're one of the speakers at the upcoming Team Superdad Launchpad event and you're going to be speaking on the common mistakes or five mistakes men make in relationships. So we're going to dig into a little bit of that today, kind of because it's good conversation and I hope this is of value to people but also as a way of a taster for that event in which they can get the full... I don't want use the word presentation. That sounds awfully boring doesn't it? But they'll get the full session at the Launchpad event Exactly, yeah. I look forward to that Jonnie thanks for having me on that as well. In terms of my background...I was in a relationship long-term relationship which is extremely uncomfortable and i stayed way way too long and part of my journey really has been working out what happened there you know how did I stay so uncomfortable so unhappy for so long in that relationship? How old were you when you got married

10:05 I was, well...I didn't get married at the beginning of the relationship. How long were you together then? We were together for 16 years. Right! 16 years in which we were married for 5 years. Right okay got it yeah. We were living with each other as if we're married. Yeah yeah yeah So um..yeah at the end of that, you know, I realised that something was like fundamentally not working there and It was interesting because I did a goal setting event at the beginning of the year and one of my goals was, do you know what? At the end of this year i need to know where I stand on this. This just cannot keep kicking down the road. You know, I was already in my late 30's by that time mid-late thirties and it was just like...this just has to something needs to happen here! Yeah yeah And then.. Was it had it become toxic or was it just a bit loveless, a bit funless? Was it like it just polarized in the relationship? What was the classic sort

10:59 It wasn't working. I mean the classic thing really was our blueprints didn't really match. Yeah, so we didn't have the same vision for the relationship that was part of it So my partner...my ex-wife you know she had lots of great qualities but she didn't necessarily really see a role for me You know? There's a bit of sense of well what are you even doing here why are you even still here? You've done your bit We got kids here What is this all about The Jonnie Jensen Show, Jonnie Jensen, Matt Albiges, Man Over Matter

11:40 So, you know she was dominant as well so I'd taken more of the backseat. That's another classic mistake that guys fall into so I started going along with stuff even though it wasn't really happy and then that just gets a cycle that gets worse and worse and so i'm feeling worse and worse more demasculated not really having a say not having any power in my own power and yeah the whole thing just breaks down yeah I can relate to that. We've got a little bit of delay. Sorry, that's what's happening there. I can relate to that and I know a lot of dads can. And listen this is Team Superdad is not just about people who have broken up right? This is as much part about relationships working out and this conversation today is perfect for that because we can spot what goes on in relationship equally there's a time comes when your relationship should be like okay well

12:41 actually, it's healthier to break up. So let's break up effectively. Let's break up before we put each other through three years of hell and that feeling is... Is it emancipation where you basically have your masculinity ripped out of you? Yeah, demasculation. Demasculated. So basically that's just a feeling like you've got exactly as Matt just said there you've go no place in the relationship and it's uncomfortable I experience couples really struggling to talk about this because the woman is like what are you talking about? And the guy is

13:21 I feel invisible in this and i think that, you know, in a traditional kind of more cliched way you'd feel that was some of these things would be the what the woman would say in relationships previously. He just goes out and does his he expects me to do all the work he doesn't and I don't feel appreciated It's in the world that is going on, let alone Me Too and equality which all has a time and place important in their own right. But when that sort of seeps down into everyday relationships and suddenly men don't feel they're allowed to be men then it's a new dynamic that is breaking couples up. And its really important if people are committed to their relationship that they understand this and actually become something they can talk about

14:03 How's it going for you? Do you feel valued in this relationship, how is it going do you feel heard. How does it go for you? Do you feel loved and how's it going for you? Do you feel like a bloke like are you lost these if we could have had those kind of conversations then then then it would have been important I think also would have realized that perhaps we weren't suited It's not until your married sometimes that you realize that you're not actually that suited so when... So and you add So you're feeling not really included in the relationship, you've got kids. How old were the kids when you broke up? My kids were what 15, 11 and 7 something in that region Yeah quite spread okay And were you a dad coach at this time or were you a relationship coach or anything like that at this time? What was your job at the time

15:03 Yeah, at that time I was moving into coaching but I hadn't focused in on relationships particularly. It's a good job because I was such a disaster! Imagine what would have been saying to people? I've no idea what we'd have been saying at that time about trying to make it work and trying to accommodate your partner...I had no idea. But I was moving into NLP. I was quite interested in, you know helping people with like trauma getting focused around their goals so there's stuff i could share around the work that I'd done but I was exiting from my sort of career which I've done for a while which was good but didn't really fulfill me that much. You know Jonnie I came to the end of a role and

15:42 I ended a bit unhappily really, but then I had the chance to re-evaluate and decided that wasn't that happy doing that line of work anyway in a more corporate environment. So it was good moment for me to be reevaluating that stuff and finding something more rewarding which I did. Awesome! And how's it been? Obviously breakups are tricky right especially when there is kids who are teenagers It's even sometimes easier when the kids younger because They love their parents and it's a changing routine, but they're not necessarily feel like they are aggrieved or take umbrage with one parent another. Share as much as you feel comfortable with but for any other dad that is going through this has got teenagers I've got a couple of close friends in my life who have teenage kids and they just going through a breakup How did you manage the teenagers?

16:43 Well, it's a great point Jonnie and it was quite different with the different kids. So the younger ones as you said they were fairly okay you know they had their moments but generally they just wanted to spend time with me and hang out with me and do this stuff that we always did just in a different place and took a little bit of time to get used to it but yeah they were quite on board with it you know they've just accepted it that those are two younger ones for the older one as I say he was more into that teenage zone really wanting to be more like a grown-up Yeah, and in his case the part being a grown-up was really about taking sides and feeling that he had his own strength had its own point of view really about things. You know you have to be on who is right? And who's wrong and who we wanted to be engaging with and who didn't want to be engaging with them. In that equation I came off badly like I came off

17:32 The Jonnie Jensen Show, Jonnie Jensen, Matt Albiges, Man Over Matter So he'd grown up in this with this conflict around him and you know, you're bound to be affected by that. Anyone would have been affected by that but a young child is obviously particularly sensitive so I've got to really hold my hand up and own my part of creating that situation But particularly, you know this nice guy thing that I had going where I tended to go along with stuff that his mum was saying even when it was a bit abusive or emotionally abusive. And I would just sort of put up with it and just ignore it really and but I can see how that didn't serve anyone you know definitely didn't serve him because

18:27 He picked up on that dynamic, yeah? And he took on some of that toxic behavior unfortunately. So some of the things that his mum would say to me... ...he would also say you know and I didn't deal with it really from his mom and I didn't really deal with it from him Yeah so we can see there's a lack of that masculine quality really leadership holding grounded It was just really trying trying to keep the peace You know Jonnie and that didn't work And the end of the relationship was the ultimate point of failure for that attempt. Wow, yeah okay so taking this as an opportunity to help people out here if a dad... I feel like i'm changing the subject but it just seems like another opportunity moment too If a dad feels that way in his relationship he can feel that he's not really as you just said then taking your leadership role is not really feeling heard

19:19 What could some of the tactics or what would he do to first recognize that and like as a check, like it's like oh yes this is actually happening. And then how is he going to take that to his partner and talk about it? It's a great point, Jonnie. So the sign that this is happening... so you find this in all kinds of abusive situations the same way women are being abused by their partner but from the outside it might be blatantly obvious that it's an abusive situation but when you're in it it's not necessarily obvious at all In fact there's lots studies around this The abuse person feels quite attached to their abuser You probably come across this stuff

19:57 It's not necessarily easy to spot but the things that I say to people to look out for is that discomfort, that feeling of something not being quite right. Just trying to tune into your feelings yeah take a moment out of the stress you can go for walk or weekend away something and just really tune in to yourself and look for that feeling of discomfort and happiness Yeah, and if you've got that feeling then it's probably trying to tell you something. And at that point I would say the best thing you can do is get a point of view of somebody that you trust... You know good friend or therapist coach whoever is and just talk this situation over through that normally comes upon clarity. Right because because your in it feels and looks quite normal

20:46 But it's uncomfortable because you're like, I don't think this should be this way but i'm not quite sure if... It could just be the stresses of life. You're just like the kids were busy we're working and worried about money okay things are going to be stressy but actually taking that out and laying out in front someone else saying does this feel wrong because this is happening or does this feel wrong because something else is happening? Or so actually start a question Is there a problem here in my relationship or is it just the stresses of life? So ask yourself that confronting question. Exactly, I think another good starting point Jonnie as well because the abused person will normally be told that it's all their fault yeah so they'll probably be carrying quite a lot of feeling that yeah it's not working but it's really about me and I would encourage anyone listening that has been given that kind of narrative to stop right there and realise that a relationship

21:43 So if something's not working, there is inevitably something playing out between you. It's not just going to be down to one person or the other so any feeling of imbalance like that where whether it has been something we've generated ourselves or been given by somebody that is a red flag right now Because, you know I don't care what kind of bad behavior has been going on. There's always a dynamic at play So with my ex-wife You know I definitely had my part in this whole thing about not stepping up not being present but obviously created some other stuff that was going on It wasn't just about my partner's bad behavior or whatever word you want to use for it. It was me as well I was there as well creating so

22:26 Yeah, that's the relationship unraveling isn't it? That's the ball of string unravelling. Do you think it helps couples to have a like... You used the word blueprint actually, really good word! Is it good for couples to have a blueprint in their relationship and says this is what we're committed too, this is what we stand for each other, this is what we will accept and this is what won't accept not I'm going to be talking about the

23:09 monthly or bi-monthly basis and just say, how's this going for you? Are we on track here? Do you feel heard? Have you got a part time job? Did you... are you playing football at the weekend with your mates? So have you taken the kids...? This is what I want our relationship to be like. This is what I want to feel inside of it and then when it's not that way, you get to question it I completely agree, Jonnie. That's a great starting point for guys and anyone really and what I say to men is you really need that even before you go into the relationship so say what needs to happen for the relationship to work for you? What's your partner going to be like? How is it going to be together

23:50 The Jonnie Jensen Show, Jonnie Jensen, Matt Albiges, Man Over Matter The Jonnie Jensen Show, Jonnie Jensen, Matt Albiges, Man Over Matter

24:27 And actually one of the most common challenges, Jonnie is where people's blueprint either was never quite aligned or maybe it was aligned but now it's not aligned anymore. So they got together let's say you know a couple they get together and that this is all about having fun you know going out meeting their friends drinks holidays and then you move into a new phase in one of the partner shifts and they really want to settle down and be more family-oriented And the other one hasn't really moved on, or they're still stuck. Well they still have the same paradigm and so what you'll have is then a divergence of values really yeah and that can happen quite easily you know unconsciously mainly you just get to point where we're bit stuck here it's not working I don't feel like we want those same thing but yes this exercise you say having a vision blueprint whatever word you once used for that is really powerful

25:20 And then what happens, this is we're getting into some quite heavy stuff here. I hope everyone that's listening is cool with this and I know that actually this is quite challenging subjects. I like to try and keep the Team Superdad podcast as upbeat as fun as I can from time-to-time so you might have to throw in some careful questions. We'll have a we'll have an ad break or something but if a couple are reaching Because here's what I can see in this, right. To come to that point where you consciously become aware that this isn't working is actually really positive because you could either start to make adjustments to fix it or you can start to make adjustments to break up but far better that you do that rather than like

26:07 fall apart on the inside and outside over two or three years. I mean, I think that my now ex-wife and I we could have probably broken up and saved ourselves quite a lot of heartache even though i'm still pretty certain that we actually really loved each other it just wasn't working Other couples could, what's the name? The famous couple who they conscious uncoupling. They call it and they was... Oh yeah Gwyneth Paltrow isn't it? Gwyneth Paltrow! It sounds a bit guffy when you hear on TV but actually if you're in this situation having conversation like that we can consciously break up here We could do this, we could realize is not working sensibly break-up before anyone really gets too hurt

26:55 You're in the business of helping relationships come together. So let's go for the positive first of all, where does a couple start when they actually realise things aren't working and they want to start making it work? Putting it back together? Well first thing I need to realize is that the symptoms that they're having which are probably conflict arguments Disagreements, a feeling of being unloved. You know these are what I call symptoms really they're like the effect of something they're not the cause yeah and same with an affair by the way you know we were talking earlier Jonnie someone comes along when they say oh well the problem in our relationship is that so-and-so just had an affair well not really because that's like the effects or something that's already not working So that's the first thing to say is this split the symptom from

27:46 Yeah, and people get in trouble. This leads into arguments I know but it's really important like if the guy is a bit of player then he probably had an affair just because that's what he does but for many men All women I suppose have an affair. That affair would have been to ease the pain they're experiencing elsewhere, it wouldn't have been an intentional screw you it had been like a cry for help or fix to emotional pain in the left hand and get some emotional comfort It gets emotional comfort in the right hand. You get the figure of speech there, but a relationship over here versus a broken marriage over there that's awkward but funny yeah that's important to distinguish so yes so this we're getting into court they are identifying that there is pain going on

28:40 Yeah, that's right. And that's a big step forward as you say to realise that and then yeah so that's the first thing really is acknowledge that there's something under the bonnet it's a bit like driving along in the car and the warning light starts flashing You know, one way of fixing it is to put a little bit tape over the warning light. Right? You don't see the warning light anymore but you haven't really dealt with anything. You just don't see the warning light anymore so that's how a lot people tend to come at things they say we're having a lot of arguments can use sort of mediating in the arguments but that's virtually never really a long-term thing even if you fix that particular thing then you're just going to argue about something else next time because this dynamic isn't right on some level yeah that's what needs to drill into it really

29:26 And you know what is that if someone's, if a couple having that conversation. You know I think clearly going and finding the good relationship coach couples relationship coaches is the best thing you can do. You don't have to start at level but I know myself After the casual sort of church support that we got and advice from some friends, we needed professional help and really good professional help. I think a scenario like what you offer with your partner could have been really helpful but What are some of the practical things, if a couple are trying to sit down and make some improvements themselves what are some of the things that they could do? What two or three things that they could actually do. So we've reviewed The Blueprint, that's an important way as well. Well perhaps if their feeling like we're not having any fun, we argue all the time... And obviously sex is another classic one but what are some of the practical things a couple could do themselves to start to fix things

30:27 Yeah, sure. I mean one thing that's really important is that when we start feeling bad when any resentment comes in That's really a symptom that some partner or other isn't meeting their needs on some level yeah So we need to think more about what do we need to really be showing up feeling good and often not always but often it can be about The Jonnie Jensen Show, Jonnie Jensen, Matt Albiges, Man Over Matter.

31:05 The Jonnie Jensen Show, Jonnie Jensen, Matt Albiges, Man Over Matter And then, as you know Jonnie I've just come back from an event which is designed really to help people meet this need because it's a thing called MenFest where it's men's festival. Men talking about men's issues and what happens then is that you really reconnect with the part of yourself that you can get detached from in the domestic situation

31:42 Exactly the same with women, yeah. Women getting together and hanging out with their female friends really great starting point to reconnecting with that side of ourselves Yeah and that's like different buckets of our life if the only bucket you're counting on in your life is your relationship bucket As soon as that starts to drain, then the rest of your life is going to look really tricky. But to understand your own hobbies, your own fitness, your own social life, your own interests... Things you do with one kid or all the kids as a family. These are different ways we can make sure that we're whole and complete without totally depending on our partner

32:24 It's a great point, Jonnie. That's right looking at things in the round looking at what we've got going for us how we can strengthen in every area not just be overly reliant on the relationship I think that's a great point So what I'm taking from this actually is that the question was What can a couple do to sit down and start to make some improvements? And actually it seems Some of that conversation is going to be about what do I need to take responsibility for, to feel happier in my life? Where am i feeling unsatisfied not just in the relationship but in these kind of areas and for the other person to really hear that. So if they say I'm just a bit bored don't feel like having any fun okay great so we're gonna make sure you go out and hang out with your mates more and go and do some more this

33:10 That, okay so what happens if the bloke is constantly in the pub? This is a bit old fashioned but what happens when the bloke's constantly in the pub and his wife's fed up with him going to the pub. I mean that's it that's a real practical thing about why relationships are struggling but he's So he's got to listen to what's upsetting her and again take responsibility and make some adjustments. So rather than it being, He's at fault actually it could be considered that he's not spending enough time with the kids or he could be not spending enough time with her These are things where if you're looking at different buckets in different scores his pub mates bucket is overflowing

33:49 to the detriment of some other buckets. So I guess that's where some adjustment can come in and that, that's easy when you look at it that way it becomes less about blame and more about can we bring some balance across these different areas? Exactly Jonnie, I think balance is a great word that you just named there because which is right to look after yourself or to look after other people well they're both right but it's only right if it's in balance yes for the person In that situation that you described where they're always down the pub, all looking after themselves and never home to help their partner or help the kids. You know it's like the stuff they're doing is good yeah? They're not doing anything wrong but the issue is more about balance as you say... And by talking about balance you can avoid arguments then as well! If the conversation is about balance that's not about you did this and I did that blah blah blame blame blame blame It's about right let's have a look at if we've got balance in our life

34:46 Exactly, exactly. What often happens Jonnie as well is that in that situation so the partner who is very good at looking after himself let's say it's a guy just for example maybe the woman but lets say its the guy and he's a bit out of balance that way sort of too focused on himself then odds on his partner is a bit balanced the other way Okay, right. So... Well here's a good one! What about date nights?

35:36 Because it gets rolled out as old date nights, stick it in. When I got to the point of my things going wrong where date nights just used to piss me off because How can you be shitty to me for six days a week and then nice to me on one night? Like, I'm all in for date night but I'd quite like actually just an evening... like I'd quite like to get home for the rest of the week as well. Are they are they good starting point to fix things or can they be another flipping pinch point? I would say for most people it's really good starting point at least ask yourself, you know, are we making quality time for ourselves there because if not

36:15 The danger is we're just like co-parents, just dealing with the chores and the kids. And it doesn't really feel like a relationship so yeah having that quality time together is good but I definitely get your point that It's only gonna feel good if the dynamic is right. I was speaking to couple last night and They guy was saying well I have proposed to go out for meal but to be honest when I did it Just the idea of it pissed me off. Like you said really because You know just the dynamic isn't right So yeah, sitting opposite your partner with a look on her face like she just swallowed a wasp while you're kind of going through the motions of date night. That probably isn't gonna feel that great but in principle for most people yes spending bit quality time together is really good I'm gonna do this...I'm gonna do a podcast either I might make it an expert hangout or I'm gonna do something about successful date night

37:07 Because clearly it's a great idea, you know. It's a great thing to do on that regular basis go back out and just be one-on-one and have some good times together. I don't know find new hobby watch them well movies are good but you end up just sitting there in peace if you're going to get into the movie go out afterwards at least have the chance to chat about the movie don't just go to the movie and then go home You've got to spend some quality time together. Yeah, but yeah we're gonna have a lot of fun doing that and I'm going to make a note of it. Some date night tips... So okay right so let's go to the other end of the spectrum you've looked at your blueprint if you sat down you checked on where the balance is across life you talked about somethings that you'd like more or less of and you realize that you still miles and miles apart

37:53 How do couples sensibly start a conversation about breaking up? Yeah, well so that's the thing about values. It's true Jonnie it's really hard to really overcome that one because I had a couple of us working with recently, the lady was committed vegan and quite militant as well actually. And her partner you can probably guess where this is going he wanted meat with every meal. I don't mean once day, morning noon and night and so that's a really tough journey because she's gonna be waking up every day smelling the wafting scent of beautiful roast beef running through our house or whatever it might be

38:36 And, you know eventually what I say is you could stay with anyone but ultimately would you want to stay with them? Is the thing that you're giving up... does it compensate for by the good things in a relationship. So when we've got really different values then its tough journey and the other thing that makes it difficult Jonnie is that part of loving our partner is accepting them how they are Yeah, so it's so difficult when we have fundamentally different values to not creep into a bit of zone. Well I'd love it if you only had meat once today or maybe three times a week or maybe not at all! You know? It's like your expectations just

39:22 So, I think it's important to have a place where values exude from you in a way. And then how good does that feel when our partner has the feeling that they want to change us or make us a different way? That's not great place to be so yeah can be quite often where values are really different like that. You can't find compromise there is no compromise there for both people to be honest about who they are But yeah, that's the call to make people need to make. Yeah and there is this traditional interpretation of marriage and foot-or-death to his part... The stigma that comes with that is kind of gone. The damage that comes with it now is when the breakup is very bad and costly and emotionally draining and mental health problems. That's when

40:14 That's the real damage in a relationship breakup. To consider that as human beings we do change and we do evolve, particularly with the amount of information in the world around us now... My wife became a pretty staunch born-again Christian and you know just gonna put out there isn't it? As example basically. And just so everyone knows I can relate to this conversation and there is a time Where people have to say, this has been really good up until now. We got you know we made it work and it was good as a life chapter the chapters change and this is how we're going to consciously or sensibly turn the page and create a new chapter because that vegan and that meat eater

41:05 You know, that's made up or real. It's just a really clear example of two people that are now on completely different pages and they either completely accept that and love each other and they're fine Or they say okay this is the time to basically break-up without stigma. That's right yeah People just need to pause for a second and imagine the difference between breaking up before the pain, breaking up before the children got upset and hurt, breaking up before all that drama. And they probably, if we could all go back to that there was a moment where we kind of realised the moment when you first had that thought. You know, you said yourself earlier about checking in and if it doesn't feel right then maybe... Maybe it's not so you have the conversation, you explore whether it's right or not and then be like okay this is sad but we're gonna sensibly break up. Wowzers!

42:04 So what about the people you work with in, because I've worked with dads as well in this situation where they're coming out of that relationship and they do feel really broken. Um, I know even asking these questions some of what we've already said is going to be the case but they got to rebuild themselves after this relationship after the hopes and expectations of happily ever after Where does a dad need to start in terms of rebuilding himself after relationship that's failed? Well, it's always good to review obviously what happened. You know what I find a lot of the time Jonnie is people don't do this work that you're describing and they find themselves recreating something that looks very similar to the situation they've just exited from so just gonna say that is really really important when you at this key pivotal moment because decisions we make have a big impact on our journey right? Let's say you come out one relationship and got opportunity

43:08 So, I think that's a really pivotal life-changing moment right there that can set the course for things to come. So really important to get clear on what happened maybe the habits that really held you back in the past and what you need to think about doing differently in future yeah? What's going to feel good in future and in a relationship but I would say a really great place to start before you really think about relationship is thinking Yeah, and don't necessarily assume that a certain type of relationship or certain situation is going to be what you want because you know you need to think about where you are with your career, your projects, what you're into and how that's gonna unfold. Because if I don't know let's say um... Your business is gonna be taking more and more internationally You're gonna be traveling a lot doing lots of things then maybe it's not great moment to get together with someone who's very settled with their kids at school

44:05 You know, just for example you know that might not be a great fit for where you are right now even if you really love the person. So I'd really encourage people to step back and really take in the scene, taking in the point where they are think about the chapter as you say it's closing, the lessons learned from that what went well what didn't and just really step back into that you know what we call the king archetype, you know the visionary. Think of what is my life all about? What do I want my kingdom to be Yeah, yeah. I guess we can start to paint the picture you know relationship breakup as significant as it is should leave quite a wide open space for something new so what kind of house do you want? What kind of relationship do you want? What sort of fun do you want to have with your kids where

44:54 You want to see your friends, how like all the different things if you've hobbies interests like where they where they all fit in. It is an opportunity particularly if you come out of that relationship where you were feeling um like you'd had your balls chopped off like you're feeling and like just there's no man left inside you What's it going to take to put that back in place? Because I find it crazy sometimes that people have been so unsatisfied in a relationship and they moan about all the things they would like. And then no sooner has one relationship finished, they go and put themselves into another one! Exactly we just run a pattern don't we? We get stuck on...like a broken record really you just get stuck on repeat

45:38 And then, the other thing I was going to say Jonnie on that. It's really powerful if people can do it obviously people have got constraints with kids and work and other things but one guy is working with recently he separated from his wife they're going through the divorce thing but for now we still stuck at home with the wife you know sometimes it can't be avoided right? We just gotta deal with our commitments But I would say if we could take the opportunity get ourselves out of that environment at least for a while Yeah, step back from it. It's really really healthy because you know the danger otherwise of us being pulled back into a failing dynamic that we've maybe been sustaining for awhile is really high so yeah definitely get out I would have loved to have done that. If it wasn't for the kids I'd have got to run a bar in Goa

46:31 I don't know how long, a month six months five years something like that but i can see even in what you're saying is that someone's got to take the time to take stock and get excited about what they're going to create. Blimey if...I think it's some people would say it's extreme to completely chuck everything out but If your job was an impact on your relationship and you don't actually like your job, then consider new relationships. Your relationship's over, perhaps you're going to change a career, perhaps you're going to change a lot of things but to get excited about it can be such a negative time, can be such a painful upsetting time and people need to be with that and accept it

47:20 Breakups are painful, breakups are hard, breakups are sad. But at the same amount... same situation proportion an equal amount of time to plan for the future and get excited about what's going to come down the line because it's all made up anyway right? It's just a game! Have fun make up one version if you didn't like then the next day make up a different version Makeup a traveling-the world version and staying here version even if it can't happen is okay to play with different ideas because you might decide actually I want live by sea Which is just an hour away. I mean, it had to be the sea in India! Yeah great point Jonnie, i love that yeah and then i was going to say one thing that often crops up about people's worry about this situation is um...I'm not going to be able to see the kids as much as i could see them before. There are obviously real constraints about that but the thing to remember is that you know quality is sometimes

48:14 More important than quantity, you know. And if you've been in a difficult relationship that time with the kids will have inevitably been affected by the dynamic going on with your partner so just... You know and if you haven't experienced it you might not easily see it. You might just think well no but time with the kids is in this relationship and that's all we'll see together but I love what he said about really getting excited about different vision for how things are in future Yeah, and that you know even if the quantity of time isn't there so what? You can compensate in other ways. So yeah... That's a topical subject with dads fighting for 50-50 and I'd spent four years fighting to have my kids an equal share of time

49:02 You know, that point did get levelled at me. I know it gets leveled at other dads about... It's not about 50-50 it's about the quality of the time that you have them and so I think everyone needs to decide for themselves what that looks like but yes, I also know other dads who when they have their kids now they still try and carry on kind of like they did before they broke up I'm not wishing to judge any dad but if you do become a single parent and actually that's not true, whatever kind of parent situation you're in relationship situation you're in when you with the kids be with the kids.

49:42 Like, if it's Saturday then plan the whole Saturday out with them. You know like go swimming or bike riding and go to cinema like watch a movie at tea time let them know what that day entails because I think that really is about making that quality time equally I know that what was important to me was waking up and doing breakfast Or even doing homework with them. I wanted that to be a, I remember when daddy helped me with my homework and what that was like so i think in answer to your point there A dad needs to look at what his schedule looks like he needs to talk to his boss or if it is the bosses a lot of people on the team superdad community are run their own businesses He needs to talk to his team

50:29 And look at what finishing at three o'clock twice a week means to them and find a way to make it all work. Again, if if if at all possible where the relationship has ended happily or you can create positive communication between the two of you for it to be a conversation like that where the commitment is 50-50 but the practical stuff That's my little girl waving at me. Where the practical stuff might not be 50-50 every week, but it ends up over the course of the year like okay well what we're committed to is an equal and positive relationship even if equal doesn't always look equal. That's a great point Jonnie I love that yeah makes sense Bit of bit of my soapbox rant there but there are so many dads in bits either not seeing their kids um uh and desperately fighting too So just finally what

51:23 What are you up to now? What's the rest of the summer look like, what have you got planned with your kids and so are you married to Rebecca? No we're together. That's fine I'm not sure whether i would get married again either but what does the rest of summer look like have you had your holidays ruined by quarantine rules or what do you go planned Yeah, we've been a bit limited by quarantine. We've got a trip away that we're going over to Stroud in Gloucestershire. We got little cottage there for week and that's gonna be a lot of fun hopefully the weather will be good at that point My main holiday was actually in July when the boys were here so I had them in July and now I'm kind of back at work in August So we have a trip up to York

52:09 What are you and your boys like doing most? Oh, they love being outside. I mean they love being on their bikes you know? Being on the bike is always an easy win for them if the weather's good we had a day sailing at the end of time when they were here that was a lot fun as well basically in Cardiff so sailing is not a good option and uh...we bonded a lot doing that had a lot of fun laughing each other falling in and doing stuff so um yeah that was uh that was a lot of fun

53:01 You know, they resist a bit being outside. We're taking them for walking the mountains and things that might resist a little bit but when we get there we also have a lot of fun so yeah. Yeah that's the important thing people need to realize is our kids' objections won't always be what they feel like when they actually get out there doing it. I know for me and my guys, we've always got out and about and done exercise and been very active so it's not that hard to talk them into it but yeah... How they feel when you first tell them isn't what they'll feel once you get once you get in there

53:42 That's exactly right. You get a bit of an objection, but the other thing I was going to say is that I feel like I've got better now at understanding their needs and what they want to do, what makes it feel good for them? So my middle son for example is very task focused he likes doing, achieving so if you say to him look we're just gonna go for walk The Jonnie Jensen Show, Jonnie Jensen, Matt Albiges, Man Over Matter Brilliant. And my younger one is more like people connected, so again if you're going for a walk that may be not that much fun but if you go for walking meeting load of people he's like yeah who's gonna be there? Tell me who am I gonna be able to connect with? So understanding the different needs in language. That's brilliant! Yeah, yeah... That's a bit like The Five Love Languages basically isn't it that ties in.. Is there have you ever heard of a, I'm sure you've heard of five love languages book but

54:42 Like family, I think there are some follow-on five love language books aren't they? Like what your family needs. I haven't come across anything Jonnie relating to the love languages but the course that did a while ago was something called Effective Parenting and they use a similar model to kind of Tony Robbins world it's very very similar to the sort of human needs and archetypes There is lots you recognise in there but its called effective parenting The only thing I'm not sure if its available in English I've just done a search here, you know you search for effective parenting courses and a million and one things come up.

55:30 Yeah, I think the point i'm making is that in a relationship The Five Love Languages is a book that comes up in nearly all our podcast conversations because to understand what your partner wants and needs in terms of feeling centered and connected loved is vital. And to understand our kids like that it's so powerful because otherwise we label them as Oh, he just doesn't like exercising. I can't get him out of the house. He's a nightmare as opposed to he just likes adventures. Like it's a completely different context. It is completely different. It's a completely different feeling as well because it turns from being a battle you're trying to convince someone trying to get them do but they don't want to do it and actually framing in a way that they're thinking right let's go! I'm in... You know that's a completely different experience if you can get to that point

56:15 Yeah, especially with teenagers. I know different dads to talk to different friends. I'm heading into that zone right now. They're like she just spends a whole day in her bedroom. I can't...I don't know what to do about it? Maybe the questions being asked are the wrong ones and most conscient, most loving dads will have tried everything on earth to get them out of their bedrooms so it's not that easy but Blimey, that's powerful. That's insightful! I don't know where to take it but i'm going to dig into that and work on it. Brilliant Matt. Well listen we've got the launchpad coming up on September 19th. We've covered a lot of

56:58 in a roundabout way today, the mistakes men make in relationships. But on the 19th you're going to go through that kind of bit more of here's the big ones and here are all the different ways or solutions to that is that right? Exactly yeah we've got five areas, we touched on some of them today Jonnie as well but I believe we haven't touched most of them yet Yeah, we're going to be giving some more examples. I don't know if there's an interactive element Jonnie? Is there gonna be a chance for people to ask questions during that as well? Yeah yeah it's online so it's gonna be on Zoom So there is gonna be total options for chatting For raising their hand and asking the question whilst the session is going on I've just actually seen this three comments here

57:50 We've got a little bit of spam on Periscope, which we won't put those up. But the guy is commenting on the fact that neither of us have hair so that's quite funny! He says girls hate bald guys I like it. Oh no, he swears in his name so we'll ditch that back there but girls hate bull guys! The perfect opportunity for us to wrap this up Man Over Matter Matt and Love Aligned you know i think... Aligned with love yeah sorry aligned with love i think both of those things that we've discussed today give

58:32 People an opportunity to see a different outcome to the struggle that they're going right now. So, you know where can people get in touch with you? How can they work with you? Well online manovermatter.net aligned with Love.Net is good place to start we've got profiles on Facebook as well for content up there and yeah message over I'd love to hear from anyone wanting to explore any of the things we've been talking about. Epic really really great Thank you again Matt, this will go up on all the channels. It'll be live as a podcast episode later so if you're watching it live and want that as a podcast then go over to any of the podcast channels If you're listening to the podcast then thank you very much! It's been great to have Matt on here and I'll see you after the end theme Catch you in a minute Cheers

59:26 Wow, that was awesome. Thank you Matt just talking about those different buckets in life talking about the mistakes we make in relationships how we can be stronger and more confident as men in our relationships really great to have Matt on and just to make that connection really I think that Matt will be involved with some of the Team Superdad coaching going forward That's in The Hero Academy And some Q&A's inside of the F5. So if you're a dad, if you listen to this podcast and you want more support well obviously go and work one-on-one with Matt as he said in the podcast or come on over to TeamStupidDad.com and get yourself involved with any of our courses The Hero Academy, The F5 or working one-on-one with me

1:00:13 Next week, I don't know who we've got on next week to be honest. I've got a whole bunch of episodes to edit and get out live now that we've got the new mic thats going to be even more awesome and i want to do some more face-to-face interviews but That's been a little bit affected by lockdown and, who knows? Most importantly it's about getting guests on that you want to hear. So if you've got particular guests interviews people for co-host I want to interview some DJs i want to get some famous people on people who are dads and have had challenging careers whether that's being in the public eye where that's been working all night dj'ing whether it's been doing something extreme like...I don't know

1:00:54 Working on an oil rig. Do you know like that's a dangerous job if any of you have heard much about working on an oil rig? You've got to find someone who has got an interesting story, but you get the idea. You know dads who managed to maintain their relationships and work And, and having fun still of course with their friends and with their family. That's what it's all about on Team Superdad transforming our health wealth and happiness I'll see you on the next episode of The Podcast remember to subscribe leave us a review i'll see you next week take care team super dad out bye This has been Team Superdad find us at teamsuperdad.com