Lessons From A Failed Marriage - Fix It Together Or Get Out

00:00 In this episode of the Team Superdad podcast, today would have been my 12th wedding anniversary and I'm sharing lessons from a failed marriage. Roll theme! Welcome to Team Superdad Real dads creating their best lives ever More time More money More fun You are not alone You're on Team Superdad Evening one and all, evening it is me Jonnie. We are live on Team Superdad and also on my personal profiles as of next week all the Team Superdad livestreams will be on the team super dad page in the Team Super Dad group but today seemed like a shame to keep this away from everybody Today would have been my 12th wedding anniversary

00:55 And that's, that is a curious thought. Right? 12 years I don't know...I've had a couple of different friends post on their stream today Anthony and Mandy they have been together like well since we were at uni so that some kind of 20 odd years like 25-25 years right that's pretty good going And Barry and Marina Collins, they had their wedding anniversary this week. Some again some not quite as long but they are remarried so they're a second marriage and creating that family together so you know you can make it work right? Sadly I didn't make mine work! What i want to share today...I'm just going to share my like part literally that story why am I gonna do that

01:54 Because that's pretty much the heart of what I'm up to with Team Superdad and it's worth sharing basically. I wrote a chapter this week for a book called Being Fine, an awesome book that is coming out maybe in time for Christmas there is a Facebook group called Being Fine about 16 different authors have written for it and its the classic Men, how you doing? I'm actually not fine at all. And so it was in writing my chapter for that book that i got to reflect on quite a lot of let's say chapter two of my marriage when things started to go really wrong which came about around the time of the miscarriages and how

02:48 How that all got managed and how things went wrong really from that point. But there was chapter one, we'll raise a glass to chapter one because chapter 1 Was wild and fun and kind of, I guess the zenith was probably the high point was the wedding. But there was art, there was a honeymoon and we lived together for a year before the wedding anyway but There was the carrying her over the doorstep as Mr and Mrs Jensen once we came back from our honeymoon, which is pretty awesome. So the whole thing was pretty awesome but as I've put myself back together from a divorce, I've had to learn a lot about myself absolutely a lot about myself which now i can see um...was part and parcel of my marriage not working out so

03:53 It's curious I you know for some people how this doesn't affect them or they're able to work it through. A woman i was talking to the other week, awesome women her and her hubby look pretty happy on facebook two kids London both professional in marketing she said to me oh well we've We've struggled at times. It's pretty much a miracle that we've made it through and I think that's probably the...I think when you talk to people who have been together for a long time, I think that has to be the case for all of them. I think it is unlikely that any couple who have been together a long time would say oh yeah its been really easy but how can marriage be easy? How can having kids together be easy? How can making money losing money

04:48 Having a house, not having a house. Wanting different things at different times being different people at different times how can you easily navigate through that without there being problems? I don't think they can. I think what i can see is that some couples pull together and work through it and clearly as a couple we didn't work together and pull through I think looking back that was the writing was on the wall there from day one basically. In the breakdown of my marriage, and by the way i haven't prepped this at all right so... I will do my best to make a difference here, I'll do my best too, I guess help a couple that are struggling

05:41 And you know what that help might mean that you gonna break up after this because that was pretty much one of my experiences from from my from this journey with the we should have broken up a long time before we did but I do hope that some people might take something from this that they could actually rebuild and create a new for their marriage. Inside of Team Superdad I got single dads, I've got men in dads still in relationships and what I realised for myself is that my goals and vision for my life. My children as it now are pretty much the same as what they were before I got married they were the same as they always work to fall in love too

06:25 Be happy to create children to have a nice house to have holidays to plan for our future too. Have fun basically more than anything i've lived in grown up my dad's son and witnessed him, have incredible highs and lows and keep smiling throughout it all which Which is something that we could all take note of basically not to ignore what's going on but to put it on the chin and keep going. I think as well inside of that is too particularly, I think for people in our generation a more modern generation to be willing to take a bit more responsibility for what happened and

07:17 Understand how we perhaps might need to evolve and change if we're going to create a happy positive long lasting relationship so no one could have told me not to marry my wife. And people did try, not huge number of people but significant number of people I'm talking about basically i would buy my ex-wife and I met on a landmark education course or personal development course so part of that was very much about I straightness, a straightness and that's not a word but an honesty with each other which is really powerful positive when you creating friendships in relationships because there's a space in it to create anything you want to create the future that you desire and have it look how you wanted to and the possibility of crazy together so that is phenomenal. And when you fall in love with someone in that kind of

08:15 Environment or that kind of context then it's easy to be blinded by perhaps parts of each other personality or back story history that might suggest you may not be that compatible. I certainly was head over heels in love with an awesome woman and she was wild and sensitive, I just wanted to be with you i want to create that great future so when someone said to me i've been for job interview and it was always in london in the middle of the summer,

09:01 It was hot and I'd gone to the interview, and they had misread my CV. So I'm sat there in the interview and they're asking me these questions And I said are you sure your speaking to the right person? Like have you read my CV because this is ridiculous! I can't do this job. As i left that interview I called my coach and she said well Don't be so down on yourself about it. What are you committed to? What drove you to go that interview, has it changed what your committed too and I was like well no not really she says just keep going. She said what are you committed too and in that moment all I could see and say was oh my gosh I'm committed to

09:49 I'm committed to Deb and our future and now children in a family together. And literally, I rang her up and proposed to standing outside a chip shop in Chiswick. Epic could have been the best love story ever. But people on the course said to me, I don't think this is the one. I don't think you're thinking this through I know i didn't listen to those people like i wouldn't have, i had it in my mind that nothing was gonna stop us we were on a mission from god this was a blessing this was flipping. I'd won the lottery basically and what im getting into at this point is that moment i was going into being engaged someone and planning my marriage but i was taking with me all my baggage from the past all my

10:47 Beers about losing people that I'd loved all my unknown kind of in relationships and all the relationships have had. I haven't had many, you know, I've had two or three of us. Let me say it's a four significant relationships I pretty much have a heartbroken in each one even when i've ended it had been heartbroken afterwards because of that absolute upset of losing the thing that i loved with your losing the thing i crave most which was, which is to be loved and to be looked after and you know even just those two things to be loved and look after his is not really what you.

11:26 It should expect of each other is a danger there being codependent in relationship like I need her to be happy in order for me to be happy. I need our marriage to be okay in order for me to be okay and that coming out the other side of this is one of the biggest things that I've learned, is that I put too much focus on on her and everything being fine too much focus on our marriage and everything being perfect to detriment of myself And you can't do that. You can't do that there's an element in their flexibility and adjustment as we grow and change in our lives but they have to be our own values in our own desires intentions the when after a long period of time,

12:17 And when you try and communicate, and when you try to make a difference. When you're trying hope things are going to be better...and they don't! There has to come a point where you say either this gets better either we work on this or you are in this with me and were gonna work on this or your not because it's killing me And I didn't, i was not conscious enough of how much it was impacting me that after particularly after the first miscarriages and things started to go really wrong in our relationship and communication breakdown. Not talking and no you know not hugging or holding hands not really any intimacy just basically a shell of a relationship is that

13:07 Is that if that starts to really contradict everything you are a stand for, everything is the picture you have yourself in your life. Not that you walk out on your wife after flipping week after you had conversation like that but do you keep coming back too what did we say were gonna create here? What are we both committed to? What does life look like for us, what is happiness look like for us and be willing to listen to that. You know it's very easy in a situation where things are going wrong to blame and that's why I did way too much of and inside my desperation to fix things i was like don't you see how much im trying to do here dont'you see how much i'm working dont'you see how much im looking after the kids dont'you see how much i am trying make this better

14:01 That in itself came across too much I think, too much in my wife's illness trying to fix her and save her basically because I was terrified she was dying. But I do wonder in retrospect if the best thing I could have done would say okay well If that is where you are at with your condition then I'm gonna let you get on with it because I need look after business, I need make some money, I need to look after myself, I need go play football Have take care of my life so that I can take care of your life with rather than it be the other way around. I've got to take care of all you in order for me to be okay because that ultimately was like setting a sat on a branch sawing the thing off, because when the branch broke i crashed out and so there's this is a boldness and inner strength men need to have that

14:59 We can be that rock for our partner, for our children but we have to be that rock for ourselves. You know when you're on the plane and they say put your mask on first before helping others? That should be true in all parts of life! We cant do anything for anyone else when were completely broken. And so in a relationship, in a marriage where it's everything to you, your children, your family, everything you hoped and dreamed of, your home, business... I couldn't be with was the thought of all that breaking. All that destroying a ball basically being a failure i couldn't i couldn't be with failing at the one thing i wanted more than anything else in life

15:44 And so inside of that I started to get desperate and inside of that desperation came frustration and even anger. And you know thats no way to leave a relationship, its certainly not the way to fix a relationship right? And it's far better you that Gwyneth Paltrow a conscious uncoupling which sounds like a load of old bollocks but actually is really, really powerfully true. To get to the point where you can consciously say to each other This just isn't working and it's not what I signed up for or this isn't why I signed up for. And I just don't think is working, I've asked with pride of suggested encouraged even got upset and angry and none of its making a difference then rather than let yourself just crumble into emotional wreck and some people that'll be in affair other people will be gambling all sniffing coke their nose and spend my life it's it's it's some sort

16:47 The cross between a cry for help and an ejector seat like I'm gonna hide away from this pain by doing something else crazy. And, i don't know what mine was mine was just head down let's make this work which which was as painful as you could possibly imagine and I don't say all this to be bleak and miserable you know like really either your going to fix it All you gonna break up don't be stuck in it for three four years of pain and sorrow and misery your kids won't appreciate you for it. And you will you'll be a worse person for it and I think on reflection I believe on reflection that's the difficulty

17:41 I face in creating a sensible relationship with my ex wife now is part and parcel of that prolonged period of suffering. I should have left, a long time before i did and i should've had the strength and conviction to know that and do that. I said this isn't what i signed up for this is hurting me it's just not right Maybe she should have done the same. If she wasn't happy, if I was doing things wrong, she should have done the same and that subject is about taking responsibility and you have to take responsibility for yourself in this situation in marriage it's no good blaming other people when they're not doing this or they're not doing that. If they are not doing something and it really doesn't work for you then take yourself out of the situation

18:35 And as for that pain or the fear of what it's going to be like when you, when you broken up. If you end up breaking up then your gonna experience it anyway and far better than you experience with a conscious positive healthy state of mind than being utterly broken both mentally and physically as I was by the time, um, you know, by the time I left on October 5th 2015 You got in this day and age where there is no stigma about divorce, where there is no stigma about mental health. Where we can accept that people fall in love and make a mistake or people give it their best shot and he wasn't enough

19:22 We have to be bold enough and strong enough to know that we can separate, and it will be alright. Because if you separate anyway, you're gonna have to do it! So whether its alright or not, your going to be in that hole. And five years in... It is a difficult hole. I know friends who are in it, who've been in it, I know men who work with men who are in the same situation Marry me let's start with making the marriage work right let's find out what is that we're doing wrong let's read five love languages. Let's read no more mr nice guy lets get self aware enough that we can be a great husband but we can be great to ourselves, talk about modern man stuff here we talking about being

20:15 The best version of ourselves empathic and understanding supportive but also strong and bold and a leader in our family. Not that our wives can't be leaders too, but you can't be walked all over you cant' be the pussy who just wants to please because that is unattractive And ultimately if you are the pussy that just wants to please you will be so down trodden that you will eventually leave anyway. You'll eventually have a fair or do something stupid there will be a breaking point right it's gonna come, so my experiences of marrying the wrong woman fundamentally about taking responsibility for situation myself

21:02 It was the best weekend of my life. I hope i meet someone even more awesome and that can be a better husband to them, and a better husband to myself. I don't know if ill ever get married...I like the idea of marriage! I like the idea being a husband there was something unbelievably warm and snuggly about waking up as in as a husband. I flipping love that I have it on my vision board in my goals to meet someone awesome and create that with them again but it won't be out of desperation to be with someone, it won't be out of angst for my lost mother when I was a kid. It will be about creating something amazing with a strong confident woman

21:54 Get clear on your values yourself, get clear on where your marriage and relationship is at. Set some boundaries and conditions for what your future looks like and get aligned on it! And if you can't get aligned on it then accept that maybe its time to end the pain and consciously uncouple, consciously break up stay friends do it the right way And except the both of you have made mistakes except that both of you started this thing off one of us the other person out there on said yes. One of you propose no one said yes, what are the night you can save your children why don't you start with a little back tickle

22:37 Ended with a baby right you both got to take responsibility for this and that is not about blame. There's so much more I can say on this subject, and i gladly will if you want to ask if your worried about your relationship im not a relation... Is elements inside team super dad which about relationships and marriage in we have this that's why we have relationship coaches and experts on the subjects inside a team superdad. I'm the ringmaster. I'm the person that's on this journey with you, and maybe a few steps ahead of some or maybe a few steps behind others. It really is about creating a space where we can thrive, where we can create the life we desire and no longer feel like we're stuck with putting up with the life we're stuck with it has been 12 years since the old team Jensen wedding

23:38 It was a brilliant day. We had we had we had dinner the night before I'd family from America friends from from the course, we met on right back to school days and university in the middle family friends people that were my mom's best mates Jilly who just passed away this week as the toast, as the moment for the toast were coming around she squirreled around on the floor across the whole room. There's like about 250 people there which is a big thanks to Deb's dad and at this moment it was we stood up to do the toast everybody stood up and they all the napkins in the whole reception have been tied together it was like this big trailing

24:30 trailing, I don't know what they called like bunting but it was the napkins and they were waving. It was just flipping epic let alone the party after the first dance those two songs in my first dance forever ruined for me absolutely ruined our green that stay together The irony. Al Green, let's stay together! Oh and by the way Songbird which was sung at the church... Songbird because I later found out when I looked up the history of that song she wrote it Stevie Nicks wrote it about Fleetwood Mac breaking up so our wedding in the church on our wedding day we had a breaking-up song

25:20 Don't have Songbird at your wedding, OK? So Songbird, Al Green. Let's stay together and Shake Your Tail Feather. Shake Your Tail Feather... It's not Little Richard Stevie Wonder. Anyway whoever it is, Flippin Epic from the Blues Brothers which we led into that. We led from that into The Big Party and stuff. Absolutely brilliant! Onwards and upwards. I'll see you in the Team Superdad lives this week over in the group or on the page Friends and family, I'll see you soon love to all bye This has been team super dad find us at team super dad calm