The Provider Trap That Kills A Mans Marriage feat: Marty Hoffman

00:00 I justified in my mind. I mean, I think a lot of us men do. You know, it's our role to provide. So we got to provide. But what I was providing was not what my wife needed. My wife took me for a walk and she said, Marty, I want out. You know, I don't feel connected to you anymore. And yeah, I'm thinking about leaving you. Welcome to the Johnny Jensen show. Welcome back to the show, men. My name is Johnny Jensen, host of the Johnny Jensen show. Obviously, that's a bit ridiculous, isn't it? But head coach and founder of the High Value Man Project as well. Today's episode is, I guess it's somewhere between guest expert and comeback kings because this guy, Marty Hoffman, is an ultra runner, a real estate portfolio builder, father of six, possibly seven, because I've read it in different places on different websites.

00:49 Living in Oklahoma with his wife, Ginger. He's also author of the book, Kill Complacency, Stop Drifting, and Start Living the Life God designed for you, which is how we came to be connected today. Marty, great to welcome you on to the Johnny Jensen show. How are you doing? I'm good. I appreciate you having me here, Johnny. And it's been fun to have some small talk before the show. I love your shirt and it was fun to interview you. I think it was, what was it last week or week before? It was just yesterday. Yeah, it was just, it was just a week ago. Well, before we get, I've got so many questions for you. And for anyone listening, as a guest expert, I like to keep these around 60 minutes. So it gives us a chance to really dig into people's story, get to know them, and take some wisdom from there.

01:31 And Marty, you certainly have got so many topics we can dig into. But how did I do in my introduction? Did I sum you up well? Is there things that you want people to know that I didn't get across? Yeah, it was good. Just to clarify, yeah, I have six kids, but my daughter, oldest daughter, is married. So I've started saying I have seven because, you know, I took another son on. So that's the easiest way to, yeah, one of the easiest ways to get more kids is by having a marry in. Absolutely. I mean, I've just got back from Chicago where my family is huge. My aunt, great aunt got shipped out there almost against her will, really, back in 1911.

02:10 She was one of about eight kids and the and her aunt was already over there. And they were like, go to Chicago, start a life. And she married Irish. They all married Irish. I've got about 160 cousins over there now, which is a lot, but also they've been building it since sort of 1911, you know. And the power of family is just wonderful. And of course, there's bits of fallouts and division and stuff like you can imagine in a family that size. But the other incredible thing is where they're still the parts of the family that are still really close, the couples that have been together and made their marriage work and have built the success.

02:52 And what I see in their kids, like that, that generational abundance, that generational ethic, you know, values and ethics. And I just, for me, family is definitely, you know, in amongst my values. And in my coaching, when I hear men have fallen out with their family or don't have a connection, I'm not forcing people to get on with people that maybe aren't that nice. But if relationships can be healed, my gosh, family is so powerful. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It's very true. And that's, that's part of your, that's part of your upbringing, isn't it? You're, you're from, from Oklahoma. You come from a sort of farming family and

03:29 obviously a very faithful family as well. Tell us a little bit about like some of your that family story and the values that bring you today with six kids and welcoming on future husbands and wives as additional kids. Yeah. So I grew up on a farm and my parents had 10 kids, no singles. It was five girls, five boys. And my dad really just taught us how to work and contribute and whatnot. And family was always a big part of it. I remember when my sister went off to college, my dad had a big meal. And I remember him saying, he said, this will be one of the last times it will be this easy to be all together.

04:12 And I, you know, I just didn't really understand that. But obviously, there's 10 of you. It gets harder and harder and harder. So. Yeah. But yeah, got married and my wife and I had six kids. And my youngest is 10 and my oldest is 23. So my 23-year-old is married and she actually works with me quite a bit. So she makes me look good on the on the backside, you know? And yeah, life is good. And yeah, we are looking forward to, you know, just having more kids added, but not through grandparents, basically. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, exactly. And what of you, um, we'll get into some of your work as well.

04:55 You know, I understand from our conversations and the research, you know, you're, you're a, you know, property investor and created great success for you in that area, which gives you the capacity to do this kill complacency work. Before we dig more into that, just about sort of the family and father role, you know, what growing up in a family where you were one of six, what was it like to, you know, be noticed, make a mark for yourself? What was it like to be one of that many siblings? Yeah, you know, it was hard because to your point, yeah, it was number one, my dad had to work a lot.

05:33 My mom stayed home. So my dad had to work double time. And he was a farmer, and farming was really hard in the 80s. So he started doing other extra, extra work. But yeah, it was hard in the sense that we don't get as much mom and dad time as we would want. I don't know if any kid does, maybe. But the thing that was powerful for me is that one thing my dad did to supplement income is he started shearing sheep. And that just means basically give them haircuts. And he had me do that. And I remember he told me, you're going to learn how to do this. And I told him, I told him, no, dad, that's not for me. But he said, until you do a thousand head, Marty, I want you to, I want you to give it a go.

06:13 And so I sort of put my head down and did it. But the best thing about that, Johnny, is that it gave me one-on-one time with my dad because we would go to jobs together and we would have that windshield time. And I don't know that there's any greater gift you can give a 15, 16, 17-year-old boy as a man than your time, even if it's windshield time. So, yeah, it was very powerful. Absolutely. I think it really probably shaped who I am. And I think had I not had that, I probably would have greatly affected me. Yeah, because like I said, like I was imagining, like one of 10, how'd you get the time that you desire? And there it is, you were given that opportunity to spend all that time with your dad. And I think you're being a bit humble there.

06:54 If I, based on what I've read about you, you were pretty damn good at sheep shearing, right? I'm, yeah, I mean, I, I could, I could hold my own. I did it a lot. And come on, what does it say? I've got the notes here. It says like you're some sort of champion of it or something, weren't you? Yeah, I mean, I was a when back in the day, I was in the representative of the Golden Shears in Scotland in 2003. Come on, Marty. No, I won the Denver Stock Show, which is a national competition. And when I was 20 years old, yeah. Well, winning is one of my values, you know? I don't mean winning in like an arrogant, in an arrogant kind of, you know, screw everybody else, fight to the top way.

08:15 Three minutes, a few questions, you get a personal review back that shows you exactly where you can level up and start to feel like the man and dad you want to be. Highvaluemanproject.com forward slash score. Go and find out yours now. And what about those experiences with your folks has shaped how you are as a dad? Coming from a family that big and having a family as big as your own. What would you like to share about, you know, being a dad? Something my dad did that was really good. And I could, I could include my mom in this too. But I just think I just want to talk about my dad because that was what I needed at the time. But my dad was really good about, especially as I became a teenager and became independent and ego-centered, you know, my dad was good about letting me try things, even if he knew better, even if he knew it wasn't going to work.

09:05 And he was humble enough to never be like, ha ha ha, I told you, because that would happen, right? And my dad knew that would happen, but he would sort of take those opportunities when it didn't work out and say, hey, what did we learn from this? And what could be done different next time? So he was really good about being okay with letting you fail, I guess. And then coaching you along through that just to make you better. And yeah, I guess the way it carries over now is that that's sort of something we try to encourage our kids with, even if it's just a conversation like, how did you fail today?

09:41 Having that conversation so that they're okay with it. And I mean, to me, a lot of failures can be, that's the only way we can sometimes find success is through constant failing. So rather than. than it being a negative thing, it was very much embraced and encouraged in a sense. I love that. I feel really passionate about that as well. Is these parents that track their kids everywhere and don't let them do dangerous things or don't let them, you know, whatever it is, don't let them do anything, it seems. But actually, as a teenager, falling flat on our face, you know, is almost essential. It's like, if you don't do it then, you know, and you haven't had that experience, and then, you know, you don't want to be practicing that stuff really too much in adult life.

10:26 So, so having parents that, you know, go on, son, get out there, flipping, go for it, I've got your back or daughter, you know, is so vital. Yeah, I love that. Awesome. Well, and then that's in the 80s. Do you think that's quite an American, you know, that's more part of the, you know, American dream push and pushing people forward. You know, I don't think many dads in the 80s in the UK would have been consciously sort of coaching their kids, you know, investing into their kids in that way. Was that something your dad was aware of? Or do you think that that was just part of more of a more American culture versus British culture? No, I think that we can all get stuck in not taking care, not mentoring, not discipling our kids.

11:09 And I think for my dad, it kind of came across accidentally in regards to just having that windshield time and that time where he'd let me set up in the shed to shear the sheep and then it would fail. And he'd be like, well, you know, maybe we could try something different. And it'd be like, well, sure. And then he'd be like, well, this is how we did it last year. And I'd be like, why didn't you tell me? So, well, I wanted you to learn. I wanted you to make a mistake. So, so I don't, I mean, I guess I just feel like he kind of just kind of happened. He wasn't necessarily super intentional about it, but maybe he was. I should probably have that conversation. Yeah, totally. That'd be cute. That'd be also be curious. Yeah. Yeah. So changing gears a little bit and moving into the book and what you do and your message that's out there.

11:54 I was on your podcast last week and you got to share with me some of that. So let's bring this to today. What's the kill complacency message? What is it that you're bringing to the world? Yeah, the kill complacency is just a message that we can live a better, bigger life. And so often we stay comfortable and fixed in our mindset and we don't want to change. We don't want to grow. We don't want to become that high value man and just easier to stay the same. But the problem is, is drift happens. And you and I were talking about acronyms earlier. And drift, I define as default results in forgotten time. And that's what happens when we don't kill complacency. When we live a complacent life is, it's just like the

12:39 hamster will, you know, we just keep spinning and keep spinning and nothing changes. And it's not even that nothing changes. It's that we're actually going backwards the wrong way. And there's areas of our life that need us to step up and live the big full life. So when we're not intentional in growing, we're actually naturally defaulting to getting worse, whether we like it or not. Yeah. Do you think that's kill complacency, the complacency? Do you think it's getting worse in modern life? Do you think like human nature is that we've always been a bit like that? Or, you know, or is modern life making it worse? I think, I think the complacency bone has always been in our body. Like we've always wanted the easy life.

13:22 But I think as life gets easier, it breeds more complacency. So the hardest working person oftentimes is the guy at the bottom. And it's because he knows what he's got to do to get out. And I think that, yeah, we can, as our culture gets easier, and you and I talked briefly about AI while we were setting up. And AI, I think, is going to breed this complacency more because it's just going to do some of those tasks for us. And if we're not intentional, all we'll do with the extra time is scroll on the phone or, you know, stream TV or whatever. And we won't build ourselves better when we have the capacity now to do so because there's certain AI tools that can greatly buy back your time.

14:10 So yeah, I think my gut is this is a this is a war to be fought. And I hope to start the movement to do to do war on complacency. Yeah, that's beautiful. This is a this is a war on our attention and energy levels. And either and there will be a slice of the world that take it and run with it and make amazing things, another slice who take it and do greedy, destructive things. And then the rest of us who just slide into flipping mush, just complacent, oblivious mush, ordering takeaways that get delivered to our houses and watching Netflix. crazy. I don't know why, but like spreadsheets spring to mind as you're telling me that.

14:55 Like the things I know about putting a spreadsheet together, all the calculations and the ifs and equals and all things I wish I didn't know, but I do know them. No one's ever, you know, really, no one's ever going to need to know to know that now because you just tell AI, make my spreadsheet do this. But then how do you know if it is actually done it or it is actually working properly? That's that's that's the complacency problem, right? Yeah. Yeah. And I, I mean, I think AI is going to get better on those things. But yeah, some of those things that we had to learn will no longer be necessary. So what will we do with the extra time? What will we do with the headspace? You know, will we use it in applicable ways or will we use it to waste waste our life?

15:40 You know, you've got what you've got a shirt on it says one life, live it. And that's what it's about. Like, this is it. So I'm all, I'm a big fan of buy back your time and use AI if we can, but not at the cost of, you know, a complacent life that doesn't measure up and leave a legacy. Yeah. So what does that, you know, in your terms, when you're, you know, either any of the, I think you're approaching almost 200, 180 podcasts, I think you've got coming up now. Something that you've got. Yeah, all the people that you've spoken to, but also your own coaching. What do you tell people? How do you encourage people to go and find that

16:21 mission or that passion? You know, there's something that's big enough to push through complacency. I think one thing we need to do, Johnny, first off is sit down and just think about what our superpower is. Like you have a superpower and you're living it. And you found that by having some hard times and realizing who you could serve because of those hard times. But too often we never fail to slow down enough to do that. And so that's maybe something I would encourage people to do is sit down and think about how you can contribute to the world. What's your superpower? What makes you unique? And if we have kids and a spouse, let's pour into them. Let's make them better.

17:04 And let's make them our first. And then from there, let's build a community and let's add value to them as we can. But we all have things that make us unique to ourselves. But my message is like when we're not living it, when we're not living, when we don't live with the statement, one life, live it, then it's just one life and we waste it. So find your superpower and identify it and lean into that. Focus just on that and you'll do great things. Yeah. And when you're looking for it, is the place to go like experiences?

17:45 One of my probably biggest epiphanies was, I don't know whether I, you know, what it's like if you feel like you've ever been spoken to, you know, like on a spiritual level, you don't quite know if it came from your gut or you don't know, quite know if there was a voice telling you, it's a, it's both a wonderful and startling experience. But mine was a really clear message, you know, as the divorce and the business and my brother's death and all those challenges that I faced. And the message was, I didn't do this to you. I did it for you so that you could go and make a difference to other men in the world.

18:27 And I didn't take that like he trashed my business or, you know, the marriage was trashed on purpose or my brother had mental health problems and took his own life on purpose. But it's like, don't, don't be sitting there thinking this isn't fair. Look at what it's given you and go and do some good with it. That's what I really hear in you saying that. Yeah. And I think other people have got natural passions and then their own fears or inadequacies or imposter synon kick in. And so they let their passion go or they just keep it on the back burner rather than going, I don't care who thinks I'm a good singer. I'm going to sing, you know, and go out there and take it to the world, you know? Yeah.

19:08 No, I like that. And I think that that's a powerful reframe. This didn't happen to you. This happened for you. And if we can reframe that, like any bad thing that happens to us, we can flip the script and then we can take that and add value to other people and we can help other people out. And so I think that's a powerful statement that you've felt, you know, God or whatever told you. Like that's, that's huge. But I think that's a message that, you know, listeners can take to heart that things don't happen to you. They happen for you. Absolutely. And it's just a perspective. if you're going to pick one of them, you might as well pick the one that lifts you up. Absolutely. So, look, here you are. And we can come back to the message of the book shortly, right?

19:53 But here you are as a man who's got a family the size of he has, and you've got your, you know, the your property and the way that you, you know, you've, you make money for want of a better phrase. What, what does it take, you know, if we're talking to other men who are looking at their finances and they've got an idea of how they might make money or they want to change their job, start a business. You know, what's it taken you to have the family, build the success, and now at a point where all that's working to the degree that you can now pick up this new topic and take it to the world. What's it taken for you to, you know, where does that start? What was it taken to create the success?

20:35 But ultimately to kick things off, where did that start for you? Yeah, you know, I just started a book. I can't remember her name. It's called Book Is Called Grit. Someone recommended it. Her name is Angela Dovework. She has a book called Grit. And I think that's a lot of it. Like, it's the grit. It's the grinding. It's the getting up after you fail and trying again. Like, that's what makes us, that's what makes us successful. I think so often, Johnny, we, we don't have the grit. And, but grit is something that you can 100% learn. And it's just, it's just embracing your failure. So to the guy that's listening, that's like, man, I want to have more. I want to do more.

21:17 I want to add more value. Like, learn grit. Learn how to fail. Learn how to learn from your failures and improve. Because all the great men of the past, that was their secret ingredient: they had grit. They knew how to fail. They knew how to ask better questions. They knew how to improve. And it doesn't matter if it's in a business or if it's in a marriage or if it's in parenting, like learn from your mistakes, get up and try again, and you will get better. And as you get better, you just keep doing that and you just repeat. And you get up, you fail, you repeat, you start over.

21:54 And before you know it, you're somebody like Elon Musk whose philosophy is we're just going to blow up rockets in the air until we get one to Mars. I mean, that's literally what he's doing. Like he's building a business based on failure. And the more he fails, the more he learns. And he's okay with that. So that's what I would tell the listener. Like, lean into grit, lean into failure and continue to get up even when you're knocked down. People make things too difficult, right? You know, we presume things are going to go wrong. We presume things are going to go hard and then we don't even start. But actually, it's the experience of trying and failing and meeting someone who's done it before.

22:34 It's the journey rather than really the end result. Yes. When you were building your business, how did you acquire the knowledge and the confidence? Like, was it the people you put around you or was it the books you read? Or speak into that a little bit. Yeah, there was definitely books I read, but a lot of it I knew what I wanted and I just went after it. And it was, it was learn as you go a lot of times. And it was, and that's why I say it's grit. It's, it's, it's not having all the answers. You know, so many, to your point, we get analysis paralysis, right? Where we think we have to have all everything lined up before we make a decision. And the reality is you'll never have everything lined up. You'll never have everything perfect.

23:19 And at some point, you just got to dive in. So for me, yeah, it was definitely some reading, some books, but a lot of it, Johnny, was just getting in and making mistakes and learning from them and not trying to make too big mistakes because that can kill you in a hurry. But yeah, just learn from your mistakes and keep going is what I would say. And that's what I just encourage the listeners in. Like, don't get analysis paralysis. You'll never have all the answers. If you wait till you have X amount of dollars to have kids, you'll never have kids. There'll never be enough because that mark will just keep moving. And if you wait to get married until you understand love perfectly and are selfless, like it's not going to happen.

23:59 So just dive in, but be a student of life and of learning and you'll figure it out and you'll be successful. So yeah, that's what I would say. One life, live it, but live it by making mistakes and getting up and keep going. Yeah, it sounds too simple, doesn't it? But I heard an expression the other day, which in fact I'd heard before, but I got reminded of it. Potent competence. Knowing how someone, not knowing how something works or not knowing why you're good at it, but just keeping doing it, like rinse and repeat, rinse and repeat, finding a recipe that works. It was actually Bob Proctor. I was watching one of his old videos and I'd seen it before. He was talking about his early days.

24:39 days in business. And then he said, I wasn't really sure how or why I was so successful, but it was working. So I kept on doing it. Yeah. Yeah. That's watching some of your, you know, like I, like I said, I do some research before I have guests on. And I watched one of them where it was talking about the early days of your relationships and you perhaps had the balance slightly wrong between the amount of time you were at home and the amount of time that you were away. You know, what was the pinch point there? When, when did it get hit home to you that an adjustment needed to be made?

25:15 Because for me, I want you know, if men are going to break up, that's fine. I want them to, you know, to get through that time as quickly as possible with as few mistakes and as much fun as possible. But equally, the amount of effort it takes to start a new relationship, if men put that amount of effort into their existing relationship, the whole thing would probably transform and flourish. So what was the moment for you where you realized, wow, I got to do something about this or we're going to lose something really great? The moment, Johnny, is my wife took me for a walk and she said, Marty, I want out. This isn't, you know, I don't feel connected to you anymore. I feel disconnected. And yeah, I'm thinking about it. She said it literally, I'm thinking about leaving you.

25:57 And wow. So yeah, that was. How long have you been together? How many kids? Yeah, how long have you been together? How many kids did you have? Where were you at at that point? We had six kids and we'd been together maybe 16, 17 years. So it really was all on the line. Yeah. Yeah. And it's easy to see. I mean, I mean, you coach men on this, you know, it's just, it's a small drift and that drift gets bigger and bigger and bigger. But I had, yeah, I was, I had justified my role as a provider and leaned into that. And rather than being present, I was off providing.

26:35 And not that there isn't times where we have to do that, but the problem is I wasn't engaging my wife when we talked on the phone. I wasn't telling her about my day. I wasn't telling her about my emotions. I wasn't trying to connect like you do when you pursue somebody. I mean, you talked about pursuing a new relationship. It's hard work. And if we would put that hard work in to our current relationships, like you were talking about, like we would if it was a new relationship, like things would be much better. So that's what I wasn't doing. And I justified in my mind. I mean, I think a lot of us men do. You know, it's our role to provide. So we got to provide.

27:13 But what I was providing was not what my wife needed. And I think if we'd ask our wives or our spouses or even our kids, like, do you want, would you rather have me be home or off providing? Most of the time, they would say, I'd rather have you home. Yeah. When they grow up so quick, right? You know, and teenage years are great, but there's that magic time between kind of zero and 10, 11. You know, that's where they it's tooth fairies and Santa and bedtime stories and doctors and superheroes and make-believe. And, you know, those really are magical, magical times. And the foundations that we lay there generally create the

27:56 connection and fun and peace of teenage lives as well. When she brought that conversation to you, had you had thoughts? Like, were you kind of aware of it, but just hadn't known how to bring it up? Or did she really catch you unawares with it? You know, she caught me unaware, but I think in my head, I was aware. Like, I knew what was going on because I knew I was guilty and I understood. And I knew what needed to change. And so even though I was shocked that she would have this conversation, just mostly with Johnny, it was never in our vocabulary.

28:33 It was, you know, we'd, we'd made these vows and suddenly she was, she was telling me, yeah, that I'm struggling with that. But I could definitely see, like, absolutely, it was a shock. I felt like stab in the back, whatever. But I knew as well that I was at fault and I knew things needed to change. There was, it wasn't, I wasn't defensive at all. And because of, because I wasn't defensive, I know in my self-conscience that I knew what was going on because otherwise you would, you would not be that way, if that makes sense. Guys, if you've listened this far, then it means you're serious about winning in all areas of your life.

29:53 And instead of saying, Wow, that must have taken real bravery to share that with me, you know, please tell me everything. Like, what else do you want me to know? But actually, what normally comes out is, how dare you? Do you know how hard I work? How could you be this ungrateful? Like, you know, like really kind of literally pouring petrol on the fire. Yeah, that's what happens because we get defensive. But yeah, I knew what was wrong and it was just a matter of fixing it. But yeah, it was a huge wake-up call. It was a huge wake-up call to this complacency that I had bought into and not fulfilling my role as a husband.

30:29 Brilliant. And here's the interesting thing, right? Which I'd love to hear your view on this: is when you started to bring that balance back, you started to have, yes, the work ethic, but also the desired level of family ethic. Did you start to, as well as the family situation improve, did business carry on just great or even thrive? Because a lot of men think if I take my eye off the ball, we're screwed. But actually, you know, more often than not, when the men I work with, they're like, I don't know how it's happened, but I'm actually getting more done at work now that I'm spending more time with my family. No, that's true. And it's another lie we buy into, right? That things will fail if we're not there.

31:11 But what happens, if we step back, someone else will nine times out of 10 step up and they will fill those roles. And it's sometimes it's a matter of, and as a business owner, sometimes you have to do this. You just have to be lazy. Not lazy, but you have to be intentionally like not respond right away to a text or an email and let someone else on the team respond instead and let them have ownership of that thing. So that's what happens. But the struggle us men have is, or I, I should say us men, I should say Marty, is I want to micromanage and I think I have to have my hand on everything. And then it takes me away from the home. So that's the problem. Need to let go more.

31:54 So that's like leadership skills at work and leadership skills at home and finding a way to make them to make them both work. What kind of, do you feel that you're, are you the same kind of leader at home as in work or have you got slight differences? You know, it's different because at home, you're a team. And in my business, I mean, I have a business partner we do some things with, but otherwise so much of the time it just falls on me. And so, and not that it doesn't end the home, but there is much more give and take. You know, I might fill out Ginger and how she's feeling about things, or I might even let her have the last word or have the opinion about what we're doing for supper or whatever.

32:36 So I guess that's what I would say is it's different. Like in the job, in my job as a boss, like the buck stops with me, but it doesn't necessarily all the time at home. Happy wife, happy life. Yeah. And it's about realizing where that line is, you know, where you're on the way home and you decide once I pass that Mac Eds on that street corner or, you know, or that once I pop, once I drive past that firehouse, like all work, work Marty ends there. And home, Marty, husband, dad, then I get my head really in that game.

33:15 And I think that's a powerful exercise for people to, for men to put into place is literally have a trigger point, have a, have a point on the journey home or have a time in the day where you consciously go, okay, this daddy, I'm now dad. I'm not, I'm not leading, you know, I'm not business leader. Yeah. Yeah. No, that's good. It's powerful. And the book, okay, getting back to that. Had you always wanted to write a book? Was this book the one that was like burning to come out of you or was there something else that led to it being written? You know, for years I said I would write a book someday. This is not the book I thought I would write. And part of that's just because I change as I improve.

33:56 I'd always thought I'd write some quarter, some sort of real estate book. And there's some real estate in the book, but mostly it's practical advice. It's timeless. And, you know, I believe someone could pick this up at a thrift store in 20 years and the principles are going to be the same. They're going to apply. So, yeah, to answer your point, I'd always thought I would write a book, but this is not the book that I thought I would write, if that makes sense. And I, I, have you written a book, Johnny? No, I have not. And I have started it and I then started a different one. And yeah, a combination of excuses, time, and then maybe elements of self, not even so much self-doubt.

34:38 It's almost like I like, I know I want it, I know what I want to go into it. I just don't know how I'd get it all in, you know, and then you're kind of like, oh, I've got something else to do now. And it doesn't happen. But wow, I think there's probably three books that I would, you know, that are sketched out. And some of them are actually half written, but it's, I've just got to make one happen. Yeah. Kill complacency. Yeah. Well, what I was going to say about it is when I set the goal to do it, the objective was to write the book. It wasn't to edit. It wasn't to check quotes. It was just to write it. And when you do that, when you take a goal like that and just say, I'm going to write a chapter a week or two chapters a week or whatever, whatever the goal is,

35:17 it makes it easy just to get it. And so that's what it became for me. I just, I set aside a quarter and a quarter. After that, it comes everything else. But when you're 12, 13 weeks committed to something, putting time in 20 hours a week or whatever, suddenly you'll do the edits and you'll try to market it and so forth, so on. So that's what I would encourage you on: just write and see what comes out. And maybe those three books are one book. You know, maybe that one book, maybe book number two is a chapter or maybe it's part two. But yeah, I would disencourage you. And the listeners as well, like just lean into it and do it. Don't overcomplicate it and don't second guess your work.

35:59 You can always send it to an editor and they'll tell you, trust me, they'll tell you what needs to go and what needs to stay. But it's nice to have a third party rather than your own brain. Yeah, well, Dr. Robert Glover's book, No One Miss the Nice Guy, I've heard him speak at an event and met him afterwards and stuff. Awesome guy, incredible book. And he says, I half wrote this and fiddled about with it and didn't think anybody will want to read it. And now here it is, you know, X million copies sold and making such an impact in the world. And he didn't think it was an important message or he didn't think he was getting it right. And then boom, this book that's making a massive difference lands.

36:41 And I guess none of us know what that is until we've actually get the book out there on the shelf. So thank you for that. I really appreciate that. What you mentioned when we were on your podcast last week, some of your, you know, the seven F's, your principles, and we've touched on a number of them today already: family and fitness. You know, why don't you run us through those? Because I think I've had various coaches on, and everyone here has different ways of approaching these things. But nonetheless, they all have their value and they can all land in individual ways. Share something about that and why it's so important for men. The seven F's is really, I mean, it started as five, then it went to six. And then honestly, when I wrote the book, yeah, we need to add friends to this.

37:24 But it was really just how I started setting goals. And because I didn't want to be, you know, think about the circle of life. I didn't want to be the flat tire in life where maybe fitness is good and family is good, but my finances are flat. And so it's really seven F's. It's just how we, how I try to set goals and set habits and set commitments every week is based on the seven F's, which is faith, family, finance, fitness, future self. So it's like your North Star. It's thinking about bigger things, friends, and fun. And the thesis is basically that if you'll build goals and daily practices around those seven things, you'll have a well-rounded and complete life.

38:07 And it won't be, I mean, work-life balance doesn't happen, right? But you're going to build the legacy that you're going to be proud of when you look back because you did the thing. You, you had one life and you lived it and you lived it well. And you were that high-valued man who, you know, saw value in all those areas. So it's really about that and how those, how those seven areas integrate together and build on each other. And yeah, it's just, it was a fabulous journey to write the book. And now it's just a matter of trying to get in people's hands to empower them to realize that they can do hard things and learn how to handle hard better and leave the impact that they want to leave.

38:51 Because I think we all want to leave an impact. I think that's what we're here to do, Marty. I think that is this, we all have this ability in us and some of us use it and some of us don't. Some of us find a message that's worth delivering. Others take on a crusade, you know, that choose to stand up for racism or poverty or pollution. You can't imagine where it's going to come from or where it's going to lead to. People that get limbs blown off in war and then they then become an inspiration to others. others as they climb flipping mountains with no legs and stuff like this.

39:29 And so, the opportunity, as I see it, when you've just outlined those seven F's there, and for me, it's the fire code and the daily habits and actions of a man. Like, it's what do you justify? What do you sort of say is a balanced and fruitful life for yourself? And then go out there and get it. I think that God, if you, if you hang your hat with God or however this wonderful machine that we live in was created, it's flipping incredible. It will do wonderful things if you set it on the right path. And that gift is available to all of us if we take it.

40:09 Yes. Yes. Yeah. If you kill complacency, if you live intentionally, and the compound effect isn't always fast, but there is a compound effect. It's a real law. And like, it's amazing. It's powerful. And yeah, that's, that's the message. Like, lean into these areas. And, you know, maybe you're struggling in friendship. So go get three, four close friends. Go get, go get three, four people and make them your close friends. Like, it's a choice. And you pursue them just like you would a spouse and build a relationship. You tell them vulnerable things and you cry with them and you laugh with them and you build memories. And we can all have these things. We can all have great friends and great finances and a fit body.

40:50 But it takes intentionality. It takes movement. It takes going after them. So yeah, that's the message. And, you know, you and I are very much aligned on this. Like, like just one life, go live it and be that high-valued man. Yeah, absolutely. You just mentioned there about people, putting good people around you. What can you say about mentors? Have you had powerful mentors in your life? And if you have, have you gone out there and found them? Or have they just been relationships that conveniently showed up in your life? What can you say about mentors? Yeah, mentors takes work. I think, you know, my first mentor would have obviously been my dad.

41:28 But I think now mentors in my life are my friends. I have an accountability group. Every Monday we meet and we talk about our goals and commitments for the week. There's five of us, six total. And that's powerful. These are my weekly mentors who sharpen me and encourage me to be better. But even like that, Johnny, like I had to go out and I had to get that. It wasn't, that didn't show up for me. And we honestly, I just got back from a trip to Dallas, Texas. It was a weekend trip this weekend because we got all got together and we do that once or twice a year where we do in person. But otherwise, it's a glorified Zoom call on Monday where we commit to each other and talk about our habits and our goals and try to mentor and sharpen each other to become better.

42:13 But it takes work. It takes time. I love that. I mean, that's, I've got that built into the High Value Man project, whether it's, you know, when they, when men come in to start with, there's the forge group, small group, 16 men. We go through the high value man system for living. And then everyone gets invited to come and be part of COLA afterwards, which is an American Indian word for brotherhood. But what you, and I would, of course, love, love it when people come and work with me, but you've just shared there, like literally how people can go and create that. They can, whether it's members of the church or people you met at a networking event or flipping sticks on it on LinkedIn and see who will put their hand up for it. Like it's, it's all there if we want to go and grab it. Yeah. Yeah.

42:56 And there's a verse in the Bible that says a man who has friends must show himself to be friendly. So again, you're not going to get friends. You're not going to have these accountability groups if you're staying in a corner not being friendly. So this is what I would say to the person listening who's like, man, I wish I had friends like Marty's got or Johnny's. Like, go be that friend. Go do that. And you can have it. People, people, people are lonely. This is the loneliest generation ever. So we need that battle cry. We need to go be friends. I think the question I want to round off with, and I hadn't really planned this, right? But I just feel, you know, that faith, we've both touched on it a little bit.

43:35 And not everybody's got a faith, right? And it's weird to me that on the one hand, in certain areas of society, church and faith is less and less prominent. But equally in other areas of society, we're going to flipping war, you know, over faith and nations at war. What does your faith and relationship with God mean to you? And I really want to invite you to share in a way that might inspire other people really, because I don't know that, you know, if we've got an opportunity to speak with someone like you whose faith is an important part of his family and business. And I would love to hear what's possible for other people if they're interested in having that in their lives.

44:20 Yeah. You know, my the story I talk about in my book on faith is 15, 16-year-old Marty who is climbing up a tree and he's getting ready to end his life. And I very much felt like God spoke to me and stopped me from committing suicide because that's what I was going to do and told me, Marty, stop. I love you. I have a plan for you. And that was really, Johnny, where my faith started to become real because I was raised in a Christian home. We had Christian values, etc. But, you know, there's always this time where you have to make it your own. So that for me was a very pivotal moment of my faith journey.

44:59 And from there, I mean, I went to a Bible college. I learned more. I was a youth pastor for a bit and we kind of stepped back from that. But faith has always been a crucial part of my life because it's my anchor. It's the thing that keeps me secure, even in the midst of turmoil and hardship and frustration. And it is the thing that reminds me that, you know, things of this earth are not here forever. It's about eternity and it's about an impact that is bigger than a bank account. And it therefore affects how I parent. It affects how I do business. It affects, honestly, how I steward my body. So faith is a big part of my life.

45:41 It's fun for me to get to see my kids live that out. Very recently, my daughter, 18-year-old daughter, her name is Tierza. And she in our house, I always make my kids pay for their own stuff, kind of trying to that dad, right? And she was going to go join this thing called YWAM, which stands for youth with a mission. And they sort of get training for a couple months and then they go and they serve for two, three months in a different country. And she was working hard to get money for that, but she wasn't quite there. Her deadline was Friday. And I called her and I said, How you coming? And she said, I don't know if I'm going to make it, Dad. And I said, Tierza, you've prayed about this.

46:20 You know, this is what God wants for you. So sometimes it's last minute, but you're going to see God come through. And I tell you this, Johnny, because I could have written her a check. She was $500 short. But what happened instead is she had an acquaintance, someone she never met but knew of, asked her for coffee. She asked how she was doing. And she said, I'm good. She said, well, I have $100 for you. And Tiersa said, that's great. She said, well, how much do you need? And Tiersa said, well, I need 500. And this girl now, her name is Natalie, has this internal struggle with God because she felt like God had blessed her with 500 bucks, but she was only going to give Tears 100.

47:04 And so she says, Hey, actually, I have 500 bucks for you. God, God spoke to me and He wants you to have this. And so it's really cool. I mean, it's really cool for me to see my faith grow, but also then my daughter's faith, but also Natalie's faith as it's full circle and everybody gets blessed. So that's the kind of God I serve. The one that saved me from committing suicide, but also the one that still lives and is alive and teaching my daughter to trust him. Yeah, I love that. That is just mega. Thank you. Because you don't have to be able to see things in order to know that they're there.

47:41 That is for me. Stories like that, bringing it out of this dusty book from 2000 years ago and putting it right center in everyday life in the most challenging of times, or even just times where you're trying to find the last bit of fundraising to make your two-year mission thing happen. Miracles pop up if we believe that they're going to, if we believe they're possible. Beautiful. Thank you, Marty. Yeah. Cool. So where should people come and find your stuff? And I'll make sure this is all in the show notes. A real easy place to go to is killcomplacency.com. That's where we have the book. That's where there's some resources. They can do the 7F assessment.

48:22 There's a seasons of life assessment because we are in different seasons of life. Some people are in growth. Some people are transition and some people are in crisis. And it's helpful to understand where you're at to know to know what kind of goals you should set for yourself. So we're not discouraged. There's some other tools there, but that's a good resource. Otherwise, you can pretty much find me on any social platform if you spell my name right. And it's Marty Hoffman, Hoffman, 1F and 2Ns. And I believe on Instagram, you add a 1 to that. I think you do. Yeah. Marty, what an absolute pleasure to spend this time with you. And genuinely, I look forward to keeping you in my network. For sure, absolutely.