8 Things Men Must Do When A Marriage Ends

00:00 There are few moments in a man's life that hit harder than the end of a relationship or marriage. Men go straight into panic, they stop sleeping and they stop eating their mind starts racing and they think the absolute worst is going to happen to them but the breakup isn't usually the thing that destroys men it's the panic roll thing Welcome to The Jonnie Jensen Show, where modern dads discover how to create the true riches relationships and results they deserve. Get your High Value Man Blueprint and join our community at highvaluemanproject.com Let's go!

00:44 Hello men, welcome to The Jonnie Jensen Show. It's great to have you back! If you're a first-time listener then welcome how did you find us? And if you're returning if you subscribe to the YouTube channel or subscribed on Spotify or Apple Podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts then bloody brilliant be sure to leave a review wherever you are at and share it with other men in your life so we can spread the word Jonnie Jensen, as I said. I am the founder and the head coach at The High Value Man Project. We are equipping business-owning and career minded dads modern men who want to have success as much at home as they do work really having it all rather than living a life they feel stuck in

01:26 If anything we talk about today resonates with you, then of course like I said share it with other men in your life. But more importantly for yourself get over to highvaluemanproject.com forward slash group and you can join at the free Basecamp level and get all the tools and resources we have available for you there This episode is motivated by multiple conversations I've had this week. The Jonnie Jensen Show, Jonnie Jensen, High Value Man Score, highvaluemanproject.com

02:24 You either know someone who's going through it and it could be of value to them or unfortunately, just like getting ill or having an accident somewhere this topic creeps up on too many others. 50% are almost sometimes a bit more you know but around 50 percent of marriages end in divorce and breakup so we need to be aware exactly what it's gonna take Of course, some of the other work that we do here at The High Value Man Project will help you revive a struggling relationship. And if you're interested in that then we've got your back but if you are at this point in time then it's absolutely vital that you realize what is going to take to get through it as quick a time as possible with fewer mistakes and ideally as much fun like... It's not the end of the world and we need to get you through that

03:12 So what I've done here is, I've put together kind of eight sort of elements of this that are going to help you in the early stages. In these first stages now it makes sense to carry this across but As a high value man, like the principles of this is all about rising above the crap. It's about being in control of the situation not dominating or bullying off patriarchal nonsense we're talking about having control over yourself being emotionally stable being able to duck and dive take a few punches and keep moving forward And of course, when you've never been through something like this before how the hell do you know? That's what this episode is for. Okay. It is unlikely...

03:55 I'm going to be talking about the most important things you need to know before you start dating. So, if you're a relationship expert and you've been in a relationship for a long time, you probably have heard of this term called the dateable relationship. This is when someone has a very strong feeling that your relationship was in a healthy position. No one wakes up one morning and goes, Hi, I'm Jonnie Jensen. I'm not a legal expert, i'm not qualified in the area of family law. So this is all for information purposes. I am a dad who's been through it in the UK.

05:02 Okay, so number one. Stop the panic! Right, your mind will be telling you the worst possible stories right now. It'll be coming up with all sorts of nonsense about how the children are never going to be the same or how could you let this happen? You promised this would never...you grew up in a broken family and you said it was never gonna happen to you

05:39 Like all this sort of panic and doom. And you know, imagine someone was stood behind you telling you this stuff like whispering this story in your ear it would be like, whoa mate that is bleak! Where are you getting all that from? It's simply not the case. It's this deep sense of loss for what we thought was our future, to what we thought was our whole identity, to what we though gave us a reason to get up in the morning i.e., our family, our wives being a dad and at home like the routine that the whole of it but you have to realize that

06:20 Many men have walked this path before you so that you don't have to have this level of panic. What one man can do, any man can do and for all the doom and gloom you might've heard of dads getting screwed over in family court and people not seeing their kids like yes sadly that does happen but there is I don't know about equal number, but you'd like... There is a significant percentage of men who get through this with the desired result and get back on with their life. And indeed end up with a life that was better than the crap relationship they were in Point number two.

07:26 Okay, is to accept that the relationship was already breaking or broken. As I said earlier on no one wakes up in the morning clicks their fingers and just gets up and goes from a happy marriage you can look at the relationship with rose tinted glasses or when I did my counseling and had counseling after my marriage breakup It was put to me, this thing called fantasy thinking. You come up with this picture in your mind that it would... if we could just make things better we'd be happy! If we could just get back together and put the family back together everything will be all right. That is possible and we do have structures inside the High Value Man program for resetting your relationship for creating a fresh start but

08:12 If you've done that, or if you've been to marriage counseling already. You have tried to put it together no amount of fantasy thinking about how it could be good is going to make it good. You need to accept that the relationship was over and this is an inevitable outcome of it all. The responsibility that you have now is to bring it to conclusion in a decent and respectful way so In the realms of decent and respectful, okay? For your own self-respect and emotional control. Number three do not beg chase or completely fall to pieces if you lose control of yourself then you lose influence in the situation

08:51 And I see this so often of men and to a degree, I did it myself. And certainly in relationships from my younger years where like you know it wasn't right and yet suddenly still find yourself oh please don't go or we can fix this all bit. Like no, no, no! The problem when you do that in a breakup divorce situation is if you're on her doorstep banging on the door or shouting down the phone or crying or any kind of pressure It can be turned into accusation of harassment. You can find yourself quite easily arrested for doing almost nothing

09:31 As crazy as that sounds, it happens all the time. And in terms of the UK and USA like they want you to get in trouble. They want to be able to get you arrested so that they can say oh he's a threat to me. Oh he's violent. Oh he's unstable and then you get a non-molestation order put on you or restraining order like where you can't come into certain distances of them and possibly even your kids. Then when you get to family court you're going to get that used against Okay. So, and by the way it's pretty pathetic as well you know if the relationship is broken chasing around begging and crying isn't going to make her miraculously fall back in love with you if there's any hope or desire of that which isn't necessarily recommended at this moment in time you getting

10:23 Which brings us into number four. Okay, control yourself not the situation. You have really in life control over only one thing and that's yourself! The things that sit in your own domain

11:05 In order to obtain influence over something else or another situation, well you're still going to be about how you show up and the degree to which you show up grounded in control, strong confident charismatic is the amount of influence you'll have in that situation. Someone who's angry on desperate or upset like you're not gonna have any influence The Jonnie Jensen Show, Jonnie Jensen, High Value Man Score, highvaluemanproject.com

11:48 The classic one for us guys is trying to fix things, trying to fix her, trying to fix the family. Trying to fix at work and obviously to a degree at work we do if it's our business in particular, we do have some control over that but in terms of our relationship and how she's being most women don't like being fixed so again it's about mastering yourself in this moment and not fall into pieces I'm going to throw into this as well, a short explanation of the grieving process. There are six steps to the grieving process and obviously I'm going to forget what some of them are but there's anger, euphoria, dismay optimism... one other of course! It fits in there right? Should have put the picture up before it before i said them but

12:41 It's a state of mind, like it says. A mental and emotional process that our bodies go through now if you think that is happening to you or something weird outside your control is uncomfortable we want to stop it then it will take us down It'll have us do irrational things. It'll have us behave compulsively and in emotionally overcharged way when you understand that the grieving process is those six things, and some of them quite naturally happen one after the other but you can be absolutely positive and calm in the morning, uh...have lunch see some

13:20 Hi, I'm Jonnie Jensen. And by the way, think about those last two points and the grieving process. It's quite often in those moments when we'll do things such as

14:03 5. Looking after your physical state This fundamentally is the fire code in play. If you've not listened or watched before, then the fire code is one of the two core parts of The High Value Man system for living focus that's yourself your diet your sleep your fitness your mindset

14:43 Your impact, that is managing your money being in control of what's going on at work. Relationships that is the people around you that you're connected to your... In this situation it's gonna be your friends and family. It's gonna be the time you have with your children hopefully 50% and your mentors bosses business partners and connections like having that all handled It's going to give you greater control, give you greater peace in this other part of your life that is wild and upsetting and slightly broken at the moment. So the physical state that you're in, the F of the fire code and energy right? The amount of fun venture and peace you have in your life but knowing at the moment that you are going through an extreme period of stress and emotions

15:32 Getting enough sleep, eating right so you're fuelled properly and energised properly. Doing some physical exercise so that your sweating out some of the stress, so that your relaxed at the end of the work, so that your fatigued properly through physical stress rather than emotional and mental stress. This is how you get yourself back to feeling okay when you dwell on and slide into oblivion And don't do any of those things. Don't look after your physical well-being, then the feel good chemicals that our body produces through those activities, the dopamine, oxytocin, serotonin and endorphins we need those to thrive so if you're sat on your ass miserable crying not doing anything not sleeping not eating all this other stuff you're going to feel worse

16:21 It's going to be harder to get back on your feet. It's gonna be harder for you to engage in dialogue with your ex about contact or speak to a solicitor, prepare a document for the family court if you are completely drained of everything you need. It is your responsibility to fuel the machine, to put yourself in the pit stop, to put yourself in the best possible state to perform Okay, number six. Remember in all of this that you are still dad, you are still daddy now if you're not seeing your kids right now that can be horrific but being completely broken being angry ranting and raving banging on the windows doing whatever it is that you might be doing in a frantic state that's not supporting your kids The thing to do as the father

17:15 To understand the process is to be level-headed, is to rise above her crap. Don't get drawn into battles of you did this and you did that and well it wouldn't have happened in a... No none of that matters right now! It's business we're looking forward into the future because The time that you do have with your kids, it's really important and essential or vital that you have a good time. Hopefully its 50-50 hopefully its a sensible amount of time but whatever the amount of time is want to be on your best possible footing to say hey guys howsitgoing? Now I've lived this, so i know what it's like to wake up without them. I know what its like to have to take them back to their mums. I know what it is like when you get back to your place and the house is empty...I know all of that but I also can stand here 10 years later and say It gets better!

18:07 And the important, the quicker you realise that when you're with them be a hundred percent dad and when you're not with them be 100% for you. The quicker you can realise that, the quicker you will be able to improve the situation for yourself It's very easy to separate this down the middle, right? Rational side and the emotional side. But it's when those two sides blur into each other that you create problems that you create this mental mayhem for yourself like I'm never going to see them again or no, you don't understand and I can't sleep. And it's a, it's like, No we've broken up. This is the contact schedule I propose. This is uh

18:44 And by the way, the more you're like that, the more In most situations that I've experienced when the mum isn't playing ball, when she wants to take you down. The more confident grounded and stable you are the more it will do her head in because from what they've read from what they've been told there'll be expecting you to panic and crumble because that's how they then get to say see? The kids should be with me because he can't be counted on! He's unstable... all the other things they're going to throw at you

19:36 And they will, because you can download it off of Netmums and other forums. Like it's a proven checklist of how to screw the dad over. What I'm telling you right now is how to not let that playbook, that checklist get executed on you which brings us onto number seven Get smart quickly! Speaking about the legal process in the UK which I know a great deal about... It's quite black and white You know, what you need to do in terms of the breakup. What's a sensible contact schedule to propose? How are you going to manage finances and should you stay in the house or should you leave all this information is available thanks to AI it's even more accessible than ever before when you put into AI exactly what the situation is, what country you're in, what age you're at, what age the kids are any other aspects of it like create a briefing doc that you can upload when you needed too

20:30 So that the AI is able to speak powerfully into your personal situation and you can carry the conversation on with them. Get into some father's rights groups, go into ones that are predominantly male like dad based. The ones that are men and women will usually have a higher percentage of women and quite often perhaps through no intention of the group owners it will still have If you're listening to this podcast, I want to encourage you to subscribe and hit the bell icon so that you can be notified of all my latest videos.

21:25 Inside the High Value Man Project, we've got many men who have been through the process. If you find a men's group near you, the likelihood is that most men going to a group like that are experiencing something like this so get smart quickly! Information reduces fear It also helps you show up, obviously confidently when you are engaging with your ex and whoever she's being represented by. When you look like you don't know what you're doing it gives them increasing confidence to screw you over This isn't about like legal advice from me it's about awareness. It's also for me to reduce the fear in you that you entering some cauldron of doom...it's not! It's a pretty structured process

22:11 And just briefly in the UK, if you're wondering what you need to do. You're going to need to go to mediation before you can go to family court. You have to find a... or just go online and get an approved mediator. You have to have at least one mediation session which will give you a MIAMS number. You can use the MIAMS number on a C100. You can pay your 250 or 275 pounds and that will allow you to make an application to the family court And then when you do that, you're going to follow the Section 7 Welfare Checklist which is a structure that the Family Court will use to assess exactly what should happen with contact arrangement. That's really about being child-centric

22:52 It's about putting forward a structure that says, my work looks like this. My time with the kids will be like this. My proposal for contact is this I want to suggest 50-50 in the best interest of everyone it means we can do handovers around school that creates less reason for contact less reason for hostility it's better for the children's emotional state and load every nun knows where they stand and we can get on with our lives And then finally, number eight. With all that other stuff handled and like there's no structured order to these eight things but

23:44 Making sure that your house is in order, making sure that your work and your money, your day-to-day routine. What you're going to do when you've got the kids what you've gonna do when you've not got the kids get into structure You don't want stress in your life because obviously you're in a quite stressful time and how you manage this is by closing as many emotional loops as possible. An emotional loop is a situation where you have left a subject not taken care of, if it's money, it might be that you don't know how much money you've got saved or you don't know how much money uses the house, you don't know how much money you might have to give her, like go and find all this information out

24:29 It's not a secret, it's not hidden from you. You can structure and plan this out in advance when you're talking to your boss or business partner explain to them where you're at reassure them let them know like right now I'm probably going to be working into what I call the minimum viable output like I'm gonna make sure everything is done. I just don't know how much capacity or how useful I'll be beyond that right now Can I count on your support over the next three months? I'm not going to drop the ball, but it's going to be a tricky time. That's far better than looking like this broken person sat at his desk turning up late not answering calls and everyone wondering what the hell has happened to him! Think also about who you need to be in contact with – the kid's school, her

25:16 I'm going to be talking about the Jonnie Jensen Show, and how it came to this. It's not about you having the same amount of like chit chat back. You're not trying to slate her, you just want to be above it all. Do you know what? She's a good mum. The kids were made with love. I'm really hoping we can just move past this. It's a shame how she's being towards me but i really want to rise above it and create a positive situation for the kids when someone

26:06 If you're listening to this podcast, I want you to know that I'm not a professional I don't want you to panic about this. Not every woman goes mental at the situation and by the way, the structure, the family court process, the child benefits agency like what do they call it in America? Anyway, you know, child payments... It's a piss take! The system makes money out of it. They, particularly in America, the actual courts that set up

26:50 The Jonnie Jensen Show, Jonnie Jensen, High Value Man Score, highvaluemanproject.com I use this analogy so many times, but it's better to be riding the wave than constantly being taken down and battered by it. That's the situation you want to be in. The points I've given you in this podcast will help you prepare for that in the best way possible. This is the moment you get very organized. It's business! The more stable you are in every area of your life, the less chaos one area will have over you.

27:49 Breakups are very emotional. It's your job to keep it business, to keep it practical, to stay on top. The thing I want to leave you with is that a relationship ending is not the end of your life Actually, it's the start of a new chapter. Right? It's the end of that one that wasn't really working. It's the end of that one that's come... run its natural course. This is a wonderful opportunity for you to truly tune back into who you are and what you want, to recognize the mistakes in that relationship and go, do you know what I'm not going to, I'm not going to do that again. I'm actually going to start enjoying life again. I'm gonna get back into the things that i enjoy doing, I'm gonna be the dad that I want to be to my kid! I am gonna meet someone new and fall in love in a positive way where I enjoy waking up in the morning next to her... Where our lives are supportive of each other and we are thriving because of our relationship not despite it. Do not let your relationship take you down this is about

28:53 Moving forward, there's no such thing as the one. Okay? If there was the one that just finished is but it was awful! Women everywhere are looking for good men and if you're a good man if you're a great dad then the future you want to create is absolutely within your power If I can be of assistance to you, right? Not like if I can take your money. If you can join the program or whatever...if you're a dad going through a tough time come and ask the conversation in The High Value Man Project Basecamp. That's a free area of our community highvaluemanproject.com forward slash group. I'm on LinkedIn. I'm on WhatsApp. I'm on Facebook like you could message me every new contact

29:37 Uh, is invited to have a turbo call with me. highvaluemanproject.com forward slash turbo call that can be some peace for you. We can talk about like something that's going on for you and a pathway out of it using the High Value Man System For Living using the experience that I've got breaking through these situations And if you know someone who's going through this, who you think isn't doing what it takes to come out of it positively on the other side. Then give them this episode put them in touch with me As men, it's our responsibility to look out for each other. No lone wolves, no man suffering on his own that you didn't go and ask for help when that mate says yeah I'm fine say i'm not sure you are like are you really fine is there anything I can do for you? Make your business to see them thriving trust your gut like you know what im saying okay then I'll see you next week on the Jonnie Jensen Show let's go

30:38 Thanks for tuning in to The Jonnie Jensen Show. Be sure to subscribe, leave a review and share it with fellow dads! Creating the life you deserve starts with YOU. Get your High Value Man blueprint and join our community of motivated modern dads at highvaluemanproject.com Let's go