Why Mid-Life Dads Are Burnt Out (And It’s Not Your Business or Marriage)

00:00 Men, what is burnout? Why are dads struggling? What is the experience of life that so many men are missing out on? We're irritable, tired, relationship struggling, stressed out at work, wanting the life that we desire to be better, but not really knowing quite how we got to the place we're at. Today is about flipping the switch and getting you back to being the man and dad you want to be. Role theme. Welcome to the Johnny Jensen show, where modern dads discover how to create the true riches, relationships and results they deserve.

00:40 Get your high value man blueprint and join our community at highvalumanproject.com. Let's go. Hello, men. Welcome to the Johnny Jensen show. It's great to have you back here. Whether you're listening or watching for the first time or back as a subscriber or follower, then it's absolutely brilliant to have you here. This episode today, we're going to dig into a topic around burnout, around men's, not so much struggling like, you know, you're on the surface broken, but it's something about the experience of life, something about, you know, how you feel inside, what you're waking up to each day, hoping it's

01:19 going to eventually get a bit better. I'll share with you a couple of conversations, obviously not mentioning anyone's names, but a couple of conversations I've had over the last 10 days with men, you know, talking to me about being part of the high value man project and what they're experiencing, thinking that it's about their job or thinking that it's about their relationship, not really realizing that those things, you know, of course, we could change the job, we could change the relationship, but those things are more or less outside of our control. So long as we have optimized ourself, we get to focus on ourselves to make the results to get the change that we desire.

02:02 It all comes from us because you can't expect her to be different or the relationship to be better. You can't expect the job to be okay or the job to be fulfilling if fundamentally you're broken, broken on the inside, burnt out, exhausted. Because that's what happens when people leave a job and find out the next one's just as crap or break up with the person, go through the trouble of all that brings, only to find themselves in another rubbish relationship. You see, it's about you. It's always been about you. And that's what we have to realize. You know, we have a number of frameworks, obviously coaching principles inside the High Value Man Project that address this.

02:44 This week, we've launched our new High Value Man scorecard, which you can go and access at highvalumanproject.com forward slash score. It does what it says on the tin. It's a number of quick questions that give you a result at the end of it. In the summary, it breaks down how you're performing in each area of the fire code, which is your focus, that's you, your impact, that's money and work, your relationships speaks for itself, but not just at home, but your friends and family, your mentors and network as well. And then energy, the amount of fun, adventure, and peace you're having in your life. So you go and get your score.

03:22 It breaks down to you where in your life you're showing up and functioning at an optimum level and where you are struggling, where it's not working, you know, where you're getting into what we call the low value death spiral. And we're going to talk about those things today. Because when you can recognize that you're in the low value death spiral, you can do something about it. You can take responsibility for it. And not like an additional burden or extra thing to do. And that's where so many men struggle with coaching or with taking on a new habit, a new diet, a new workout or something they think is going to help them improve.

04:04 It's like a fix and they've got to drive that fix into their life and fit it in and keep going, keep going until you get the result that you want. And if you get it, then can you hold on to it? It's like it becomes another thing to struggle about. And that's what we don't want. We want a lifestyle reset, you know, an upgrade to your operating system. Our phones get upgrades all the time. And we should be the same. If you're not looking at how you're showing up, if you're not looking at how you're functioning, then how do you possibly expect to keep moving forward?

04:42 That expression of if you're not moving forward, you're moving backwards. You know, if you're not learning and evolving, then you have to be moving backwards. So it's really important to realize that our body is a machine. I had a really awesome guy on the podcast this. this week called Oliver Anwar. He'll be coming up in a few episodes time as one of the guest experts. And it's really interesting because he works with CEOs, lives out in Dubai, really cool guy. His root in is fitness. He's talking about weight loss and body programs, workouts, but the overall result.

05:24 is in the same ballpark. It's in the same area as the high value man project. Because what we're doing is we're, that comes back to that word, optimizing, we're optimizing the whole system. If you put petrol in a diesel car, it breaks. If you're a race car that goes into a pit stop and only gets one tire replaced, then you won't have enough fuel. You needed a new spoiler. You needed all four tires changed. The driver needed his visor wiping. There's like a lot of stuff that needs tweaking and improving so that you can go out and win the race. And when we talk about that machine's machinery side of it, you've got to understand that it's not just about hustle and you slogging your guts out.

06:07 It's about the machinery of our bodies. Because when we're fit and healthy, yes, we should be more energized and look better, feel better in our mind. But it's not a miraculous, like if you do enough workouts, you'll get this stuff. It's about body chemistry. So when we're exercising, we're resetting. We're de-stressing our mind. We're exercising our muscles. We're creating fatigue, but we're also creating the feel-good and reward chemicals that our body needs to thrive. So serotonin, the endorphins, they're the ones that come from

06:48 exercise, dopamine, the reward chemical that you get for the experience of having completed the task, of feeling good about what you did. And then when you keep doing those things, you get the uptick. It's like a fuel tank that's being refilled. Rather than you constantly draining it or running it on empty, giving it little spikes of sugar or booze or weekend away, like little hits hoping it's going to be enough. We've got to create a process that is sustainable, that has you be and do and have the things that you desire because you can't just sit around and waiting, expecting to have them or feeling bad about not having them. It's about how you show up.

07:32 And when you are, you know, anybody knows the experience of coming back from a holiday and feeling good. If you do exercise, you will have the experience of going to the gym and feeling good. It's not just about the holiday. Of course, holidays are nice, but what you have to realize, and this is why it's so powerful and matters, is that the experience of being on a holiday, the relaxation, the fun, the connection with the people you're with, also are triggering and fueling those feel-good chemicals. So it's a matter of biology, of neuroscience, which I hope is a new dynamic to this because it doesn't then leave the pressure on, oh, we just need to go on holiday.

08:20 Of course, holidays are nice, but no, you can get the effect of that by looking after yourself and setting your life up properly. Now, the introduction or the context around this being part of the fire code is absolutely vital because the habits and routines that we put into the fire code are a weekly system of checking that you're on track, checking that you're looking after the machine in the way that it needs to be looked after. So if you go to highvalue manproject.com forward slash score, you can access that scorecard for free. Off the back of it is an invitation to do the 28-day reset, which is normally £47, $50.

09:01 It's available at the moment for £7, $10. Because the man that you want to be, it's not about when she suddenly changes or work gets better. It's about how you're showing up for yourself, that peace and self-regulation that comes from it. That's where you flick the switch. So look, it's like I said, it's focus. So you, your diet, your sleep, your energy levels, the knowledge that you're putting into yourself. This is how you recognize yourself as the man and dad that you want to be. You can't click your fingers or wave a magic wand and have those things. It comes from actively looking after yourself.

09:43 If you're eating crap food or drinking booze every day or only getting four hours sleep, not only are you going to perform at a lower level, but you're going to be a bit of a shit to be around. You're going to be snappy. irritable, low productivity, which means that you're not going to get as much done at work. You're not going to be as effective as work. So it's part of this downward spiral. So we put ourselves first. We look after ourselves first. And it's not about tipping your life upside down. When you're honest with yourself, are you fit and healthy? Or have you got a fat gut? Are you putting good knowledge and information into your brain? Are you just watching crap on Netflix and doom scrolling?

10:24 Are you getting enough sleep? It's not rocket science here. Are you a negative bastard? You know, mindset is an aspect of the fire code tracker that gets fueled as a result of this. One of the sets of questions is to reflect on how you're feeling. There's a set of things about how you're doing. There's a set of things about how you're feeling because they are linked. We're not governed by how we're feeling. We're governed by how we're showing up, what we're doing. And then you see how you're feeling go up. Impact. Your work, your money. And for people that are being successful in those areas, right? There's community as well. But curiously, community comes last for a lot of people.

11:09 But if you're having a tough time, then getting out and getting a month, like doing something wholesome can be really positive and rewarding to get you back on track. But most importantly, cutting out the stress around finances. And how you do that is you manage your finances. One of the worst things, and this happens to wealthy people just as much as people who are not quite where they want to be, is that when finances aren't handled, it's stressful. Working with a guy a few months ago, we were looking at his finances. He was hemorrhaging about 10K a month in just stuff. Cars and subscriptions and pocket money and people going out for dinner all the time.

11:52 It was an excessive expense. And mainly because he didn't have a handle on it. When there's lots of open loops in our day-to-day life, it creates stress. And money is one of them. A struggling relationship is another one. Work that we're not enjoying. When that loop isn't closed, we're constantly ruminating on it and worrying about it and wondering what we're going to do next. It's really essential that we focus in these areas so that those emotional loops get closed off. Okay, next up, relationships. I touched on this at the beginning, but it's not just about your wife. She didn't sign up to be your everything. And the same really with kids. When I talk to guys who are burnt out or struggling or their relationship is on the rocks, they'll say to me, my kids are my only joy.

12:38 If it wasn't for the kids, I don't know what I would do. But in reality, whilst that is brilliant, it's what dads should be, it can't be your only thing. Because if you've got no social outlet, if you're not going out and having a laugh or doing things that you enjoy with others, then who are you? Who do you get to be when you come back to your wife or when you come back to your kids? It's a heavy load not to have anything going on externally in your life. And I see it in men so often. Working hard, doing the family stuff, being dad, broken, because they're completely devoid of fun and

13:18 the connection with who they are and what they want to be. And so we look after those things and then we get to be a better husband and a better dad. Our family and friends, you know, for me, family is a huge priority. It's a core value. So being connected with family matters. And even if you're not connected with the family, I could argue that that's okay. But what I can't be with is if the relationship and connection with family is toxic, because that is another open loop. What can you do to close that off? What can you do to make it good? Not saying you have to become bosom buddies and loving and kind again, but it's about that emotional loop being open. And the final part of the relationships is your mentor and network. Like who are you spending time with?

14:00 Who are you getting around? What opportunities are coming to you? What ideas are you waking up with in the morning? It's fueled by the people that you connect with. Not everyone likes going networking. I can't say I'm the biggest fan, but getting into a good networking group, people that you can relate to, people that are up to the same sort of stuff as you will inevitably lead to results. So, and obviously mentors, it should speak for themselves. Don't be the smartest guy in the room. And then finally, energy, the amount of fun, adventure, and peace that you've got going on in your life is absolutely essential.

14:37 When these four things are aligned, everything starts to work. It's the upward spiral of the high-value man system for living. It's the complete opposite, the antithesis, if you like, big words. words of the low value death spiral have a look if those four areas of your life are not optimized you're going to feel crap it's what so many men are missing out on in in this day and age take a 28 day reset right the fire tracker uh the scorecard is free just go and do it right that will give you some indication along with this episode and the playbook that you can download the fire code playbook that you can download from inside the high value man project that will give you something to go on seven pounds ten dollars everybody's got that anyway so get

15:25 yourself into the 28 days and run the fire code in your life share it with other people you know your brother your dad your mates your explain to your wife what you're up to let her see let her get inspired about you making a stand for yourself first and foremost but for her and the family as well because she's fed up with you being burnt out and negative and snappy and tired she's not happy with the relationship either one of the guys i was chatting to with the other day we were talking about his relationship and and you know there's there's this stuff that's not right there's stuff that's not like right or wrong i mean stuff that's just not not working right

16:05 but when we were talking about his workload over the last 10 years by the nature of his job he's worked 50 and 60 hour weeks now it's not that that's wrong but you have to be really clear that she's on board with that and the experience of being family and being married that the the unit that you've created on the one side is the pressure of 50 and 60 hour weeks on the other side has to be the equal force the match to the impact that that's having so you're bringing the good so yeah i'm doing 50 60 hours weeks but look at how the rest of our life is structured and we both understand where we're at and what we're getting out of it that's how she feels valued and supported and she can have confidence and faith in you because what shows up in

16:57 relationships when that isn't there is intimacy disappears her sexual desire and drive towards you goes out the window when she doesn't feel safe and secure and supported it's an intrinsic part of why relationships fail so that's what that's the power and the importance of sharing this with her and with other people in your life the fire tracker came out of me rebuilding my life after the divorce when i finally had the time and energy and the necessity actually to focus on myself more than those other people i consciously put this together based on all the knowledge and experience i'd had of my 25 years involved in personal development and coaching and leadership it's madness that i wasn't running this system before but the reason for that was that i was so conditioned to think that my family my marriage my business

17:53 would be successful when i made sure that everybody else was all right the reality is that if we're the foundation if we are the baseline which we are as men in our families to our children and our wives we are the foundation so we have to be solid to focus on ourselves isn't selfish it's self-leadership because on the basis of those strong foundations you build everything else it is masculinity 101 it is your core identity and when it's not in place you'll feel crap and there's a reason for that burnout doesn't just happen like you catch a cold burnout happens because you're not looking after the machine that you live in so

18:40 get yourself over there highvalumanproject.com forward slash score and there'll be all sorts of links available inside of that experience where you can book a power call with me you can find out about elite one-on-one i am available to any man that wants to speak to me about making a shift about making a breakthrough into the life that they desire rather than the one they feel stuck in i hope this has been a value give it a share get other people in your life on board the high value man project have them um subscribe to the johnny jensen show and please number one request as we leave this

19:19 is go and give me a review on spotify or apple podcast it's a couple of clicks it'll be greatly appreciated i will see you on the next episode let's go thanks for tuning in to the johnny jensen show be sure to subscribe leave a review and share it with fellow dads creating the life you deserve starts with you get your high value man blueprint and join our community of motivated modern dat at highvalue manproject.com. Let's go.